Chapter 29
PITTSBURGH
JUNE 15, 2022
AGE: 35
THE SOUND OF THE DOOR SLAMMING BEHIND GEETA STILL RANG IN my ears as I studied my new surroundings. The rooftop herb garden at SteelHaus. I pulled out a basil leaf and took a good long sniff, then made my way to one of the deck chairs.
I closed my eyes and let the sun beat down on me, trying to process what had just transpired in my alternate life, when my phone buzzed. The Consortium had posted a new success badge for me, an emoji brain, signifying my status as a thought leader. Of course, the Consortium was happy with me. I’d managed to step on Geeta as instructed, accepting my invitation to speak at a high-profile conference that wasn’t nearly as important as her wedding. And I hadn’t even summoned Gabe into my alternate life in a little while. Desiree must have been thrilled.
The same could not be said for Alice, whose name now flashed on my phone. As soon as I answered, she switched to FaceTime. My chest tightened when I saw the SteelHaus logo in the background. She was on the premises.
“Where are you?” she hissed. “I’ve been looking everywhere.”
I’d barely said I was up on the roof when she burst through the door and charged at me. “You didn’t wear that for your call with Levi, did you?”
I looked down and took note of my outfit: the button-down shirt and soft-wash jeans I’d worn on my call.
“Funny you should ask,” I said. “He seemed to want me to not be wearing anything at all.”
Alice scoffed. “No offense, Jenny, but you’re not his type.”
“He’s not my type either.”
“I’ll tell you what he is,” Alice hissed. “Furious. What exactly did you say to him?”
“We dodged a bullet,” I told Alice, my head spinning as I tried to line up my words. “The foundation—your foundation—definitely doesn’t want to be involved with somebody like that. From a crisis comms perspective, it’s very high risk.”
“As high risk as running out of money?” she asked.
“It was a terrible idea, and I’m so sorry I ever suggested it,” I said, hoping that a dollop of self-flagellation might warm her heart. “Levi represents everything we stand against. How are we going to be shifting the paradigm if we’re taking funding from the protectors of the status quo?”
Alice laughed as if this was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. “It must be nice to be so principled, Jenny.”
“You make it sound like there’s something wrong with having principles.”
“All they are is an excuse for you to sit back and do nothing except stare with contempt at everyone who does the work. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking behind that smug face.”
“You barely see my face. You’re never around!”
“Damn right. I’m out there, doing the work. And there’s another thing you judge me for: my ambition.”
Now I was the one laughing. I couldn’t put on a front anymore.
“Oh look at you,” Alice said. “Waiting for an opportunity to knock so you’ll have another thing to say yes to without putting yourself out there, without owning your choices and standing in your truth.” Alice was beginning to sound a lot like Desiree.
“But I did put myself out there. I moved here to work for you!” I said. “That took some courage, right?”
“You can believe what you want.” Alice scoffed. “The only reason you’re here is because I emailed you out of nowhere and persuaded you to join me.”
It was true that Alice had emailed me out of nowhere and that I hadn’t needed much persuading. But that wasn’t the whole story. I’d loved what she told me about the foundation. I’d believed in the mission. “The reason I moved my life to Pittsburgh was that I thought the foundation was doing important work,” I told her.
“Correction. The reason you said yes was because you needed a job.”
“You told me you were starting a movement. You said you’d heard about me and my work at the radio station...”
The corners of her lips twitched. “Do you think I heard about a low-level associate fundraiser who’d been canned for making a huge mess on live radio and thought: ‘I need a piece of that disaster artist’?” My stomach dropped. “Do you not even know why you’re here?” Alice waited. “Why you’re still here? It’s because Hal wanted you to be here.”
There was a buzzing in my ears. It was as if I could hear her and not hear her at once.
“Hal?” I repeated. “He was supportive of the move, sure. Lots of space, cheap rent, a cool arts scene.”
“You’re not getting it, Jenny.” Alice’s voice dropped to a lower register. “I did it as a favor to Hal.”
“But you didn’t know Hal.” She was watching me, waiting for me to put it all together. “Did you... know Hal?” I sputtered, remembering the first time I’d introduced Hal to my boss at our annual gala. Now it was dawning on me that they already knew each other, and from the gleam in Alice’s eyes I suspected it might have been in the biblical sense.
“Are you and Hal—” I made an awkward gesture with my hand.
“Past tense.”
Oh my God. This couldn’t be happening. Alice had slept with my boyfriend. “How did you two even meet?”
“Ezra Lightfoot introduced us,” she said. “His old mentor.”
“I know who Ezra is,” I shot back.
“Ezra loved Hal and thought I could help him, so I called in a favor to the gallery. I think he said you were finding your feet and could use a little help,” she said.
“Why didn’t he just tell me he’d pulled some strings?”
“I guess he thought you needed an ego boost. He felt bad about the radio disaster, and the trauma from your famous oven fuck-up, not to mention his calling off the engagement.”
“You... know about all that?” I could feel my cheeks burning.
“He was convinced that if you could get a cool job, you’d be happy again. And then he’d fall back in love with you.”
“He told you he’d fallen out of love with me?” I could barely get the words out.
“He really cared about you, Jenny.”
“Cared.” I rubbed my eyes. “Oh sure, he really cared so much that he cheated on me, lied to me to get me to move to this city with him, just so he could do it all over again! I’m so through with him!”
A grin broke out on Alice’s face. “There you go, cowgirl. There’s life in you yet. Now bring that energy to fixing this Levi mess. Apologize to him and get that money. Otherwise... we should have another talk. A more serious talk.”
I swallowed hard. “Is that a threat?”
“It shouldn’t have to be,” Alice said in a heartless tone. “I’m sure you’ll figure your way out of this.”
Stress made me hungry. I exited the building and headed toward my favorite deli, Papa Joe’s, for a cheesy egg sandwich. It might be my last one before locking into the Memo diet plan. Sophie had introduced me to the world of Papa Joe’s back when I was new at the foundation and still starry-eyed about our mission. One day I’d worked through lunch and Sophie had surprised me with a black cherry seltzer and a fluffy egg sandwich. From that first bite, I’d understood Sophie was more than just a coworker. She knew the path to my heart.
As I approached Mellon Square Park, I saw a couple walking their dog, their hands entwined through the leash handle, having a carefree moment on a clear summer day. A pair of girls sat on a bench giggling. I felt so alone and stupid. I entered the park and sat down on the bench opposite the girls. The despair was overwhelming. I put my head in my hands and let myself cry.
I was a joke to Hal. Alice had slept with him. I was about to get fired. And Levi was about to fly a beautiful entrepreneur to Bermuda to seal some kind of deal. I blew my nose and made a call.
“Geeta,” I said after the beep. “You need to listen to me. I know Bermuda is beautiful. But please, please wait until you can go with me. Don’t do this Levi thing. Please don’t. He’s bad news. Trust me. We’ll make it a girls trip.”
I still couldn’t believe she was involved with Levi. Even if their relationship was the result of the Memo, how could she not know he was so vile? Had she been so blinded by ambition that she couldn’t see the obvious?
“Hey, are you all right?” one of the girls asked from her bench. She had a purple streak in her hair, just like I once did in college.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m good. I’m going to be great. My thirty-sixth birthday is in two days and everything’s going to change.”
“Really?” the other said uncomfortably. “You don’t look that old.”
“Thanks.” I stood up and typed Gabe’s name into my phone. He’d told me he needed his space from me because Thea was getting suspicious about our relationship, but this was close to an emergency. He’d been so helpful when I called him from the reunion. I could use some more of that this time.
Hey,I texted as I walked to the park entrance. I’m in a rough spot. You up for a hump-day drink?
My heart lifted when I saw the three dots indicating he was composing a response. Then the dots disappeared. No message. I guessed he was holding firm.
I turned onto Carnegie Street and saw the line emerging from Papa Joe’s—all moms and strollers. I’d hit the after-school rush. As I took my place at the end of the line, my phone buzzed. It was Gabe.
Sorry to be rude but... I don’t have this number in my phone. Who is this?
How could he not know? He was so good with numbers that he had memorized mine the first time I said it.
It’s Jenny, I wrote.
Jenny...?
Jenny Green.
No reply.
Are you kidding me? Your BFF from a cappella.
Had he gone so far as to delete me from his phone?
How can I help you?he wrote.
I’m sort of having a crisis. Can we pls grab a drink?
The dots emerged again and then vanished. My phone rang. Thank god.
“Gabe!” I said.
“Jenny Green?” he sounded confused. “Are you looking for me? Or are you trying to reach Gabriel Winkhorn?”
“Ha, very funny,” I said. “Much as I love retired podiatrists.”
He paused. “You’re asking me out for a drink?”
“I know it’s early in the day,” I said. “Maybe later on?”
“Sorry to sound so surprised... We’ve never really had a chance to... you know, really speak before. But, hey, you know what? I’m open to meeting new people,” he said, which was exactly what he blurted out when we first went out by ourselves.
I was too shocked to say anything at first. I wanted to curse the Consortium—and the entire cosmos—so loud. Their funny little apartment swaps and car scratches were one thing. But now they were snatching Gabe away from me?
What were they punishing me for? I’d done everything I’d been told to do. I’d put on the seersucker suit. I’d stopped to pick up the sea glass. I’d taken the nauseating vitamins, done the facial yoga, and said yes to Sebastian. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to ruffle feathers in Pittsburgh like I did on my call with Levi, but I’d finally found my backbone, just like Desiree always wanted me to.
“Hello?” Gabe’s voice sounded so far away it was almost like an echo. It made me miss him so much.
“I’m here,” I said. “I didn’t mean to startle you. It was just a friendly thought.”
“But you said you’re having a crisis?” he checked.
“Oh, just the old garden-variety existential crisis we’re all having.” I forced a laugh.
“All too familiar with that one,” he said. “I’m with my daughter for the next few nights, but how about I check my calendar and send you some dates? Maybe we can open it up to a few other members of the group?”
Gabe didn’t want to be alone with me. Why would he? I was certifiably insane.
“Sure,” I said. “That’s a great idea. Tell Gabriel Winkhorn to join us too.”
Gabe chuckled. “Okay... so, I’ll see you soon?” I wondered if he was going to skip the next Looney Tunes meet-up to avoid me. By then, I’d be living my optimized life far away from here, so why did it even matter?
A hollowness grew in the pit of my stomach. I was such a disaster. No wonder I needed a Memo. In only a handful of days, look at what I’d done without one. I’d alienated Gabe. I was failing Sophie. Alice was ready to hand me my severance. Enough already!
My fingers trembling, I tapped the Pathetic button. I glimpsed Alice talking to a redhead on the SteelHaus rooftop. “We’re looking for a real go-getter,” she was saying. “The last thing I want is another self-destructive complainer.” She was interviewing somebody for a job. My job, no doubt. I was toast. I let the hopelessness rise in me and launch me up, up, and away.