Chapter 39
ST. LOUIS
JUNE 17, 2022, 6:02 A.M.
AGE: 36
MY NEW SEATMATE, AN ELDERLY MAN WHOSE NOSE WAS COVERED in crater-like pores, was trying to shift my head off his shoulder with his forehead. I bolted upright and looked out the window. A sour taste lingered in my mouth.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
I glanced at the rows behind me. There was no sign of Desiree. The bus was back to its stale smell.
“St. Louis,” the driver announced as the vehicle headed onto an offramp. “We will depart thirty minutes after we park.”
This time I got off the bus and went to a vending machine, where I bought a dry croissant and a cup of coffee that may as well have been petroleum. I was so ravenous I’d hardly snarfed my breakfast when I bought another disgusting croissant. An inauspicious start to my forever life.
An older woman with a peroxide pixie approached me.
“I don’t want to intrude,” she said in a baby whisper. “But I’ve been watching you. Are you escaping from a cult?”
I looked down. I was still wearing that ridiculous white dress, now covered in grime, a runaway bride.
I straightened my back. “No,” I said, then realized her story would go down easier than the truth. “Well... yes. But I’m going to be okay, I think.”
She nodded knowingly. “If you ever need to talk, or need any help,” she said. “I’m up in the third row.” She gave me a sad smile and walked away. It was a small kindness, a reminder that there were people in the world who really did care.
I leaned against the vending machine and thought back to that day in my senior year of college when Desiree advised me to drop out. The idea had seemed preposterous at the time, but now I knew that it was anything but. Dropping out of school and following the Memo would have led me down a different path, with unending days of travel, no worries about money or time lost to commuting or waiting on bosses. In that life, there were only beautiful homes, charmed friends, a perfect body.
But who cared? I was on the side where I belonged. The one where I didn’t need to lose Geeta or Gabe, or sacrifice the earthly delights of a warm loaf of bread. Now I could eat all the gluten I desired. I could stop listening to my mom and all the other people who wanted me to be an airbrushed version of myself. I could focus on the things and the people worth my time, the people who saw me for who I really was. I could stop being so mean to myself.
I reached for my phone to call Geeta and was so relieved when her number showed up in my contacts. I wasn’t blocked! But my call went right to voicemail, and her mailbox was full. I took a bracing breath and reminded myself we had all the time in the world.
As I walked back toward the gate, it occurred to me that I should check in with Hal. He was probably worried, since I had disappeared on my birthday and all. I tried to call him. Strangely, his number was no longer in my phone. Maybe it wasn’t so strange. Desiree had warned me that the disjunctions stemming from my obstinacy were going to be off the charts.
I scrolled through my contacts like a cosmic explorer looking for new life forms on an alien planet. No Alice. No Leigh. And, of course, no Gabe. There were untold unfamiliar names, along with my parents and my brother. I spotted Sophie’s name and felt a rush of relief. I called her. She didn’t answer her phone either, but her energetic voice was on the recording.
“Hey Soph, it’s me Jenny. I’m on a Greyhound bus—long story—but I should be back in Pittsburgh tomorrow. Give me a call when you can and I’ll try to explain. Let’s just say that my college reunion led me down an unusual path. Hope everything’s all right with you.”
I climbed onto the bus and took my seat again. The sky was dotted with cottony clouds, and the plains stretched out before me, vast and open.