Chapter 13 #3
Maybe I should put on a more exciting movie for him. Something that kept him awake.
“Is Dylan gonna drive me to school?”
“No, that’ll be a while.” I combed my fingers through his hair. “He can’t drive without Daddy or me in the car until he gets his license.”
He hummed and shivered. “He needs to practice a lot.”
I chuckled as I scratched his scalp gently. “He sure does. We all do in the beginning. I was even worse when I was your brother’s age.”
Micah snickered.
They grew up too fast.
Even though we wanted Dylan to get all the practice he needed, Ash and I had struck a deal with him.
Because our son could be incredibly reckless with money, we’d decided that he had to earn the gas money.
It was time for him to show a bit more responsibility when it came to his spending.
Not that this had stopped him from already asking for gas money in advance.
Hallie was the opposite. Every allowance, she set aside half of it.
She’d even asked if she could get a part-time job when she turned fourteen this spring.
She was meticulous about wish lists to her grandparents, preferring to ask for makeup and gift cards for accessories for her birthday and Christmas, rather than buy them herself when she went to the mall with friends.
She didn’t spend any of her money on takeout or sodas; she walked around with a water bottle plastered with stickers.
If Ash and I gave her twenty dollars for dinner with her girlfriends, she’d order something that gave her a few bucks extra for her savings.
At least we had Micah and Lily. They weren’t in a rush to grow up. Micah turned nine soon, but he carried himself significantly younger.
Ash soon came down the stairs again, and my chest felt tight at the sight of him.
He looked so damn good in that black shirt.
He seemed happier today too, and it made me miss him even more.
He’d always been my bright spot, the one who’d pulled me out of every funk, and the one who’d stopped me from overthinking things.
“What is this I see? Are you fallin’ asleep, Mikey?”
“Not yet,” the boy giggled. “I’m gonna make it!”
Till midnight? Not a chance.
“I guess we’ll find out.” Ash snatched up a piece of chocolate before he sat down on the other side of Micah, who was quick to spread his legs out across Ash’s lap.
“Should we have a rule that says Hallie and Dylan are obligated to spend time with us on New Year’s?
And all holidays, for that matter. It feels like they escape earlier for every year that goes by. ”
Because that was literally what was happening. Dylan had filled a bowl with chips and then retreated to his room right after dinner. Hallie had followed an hour later.
“We’re boring grown-ups now,” I sighed. “We’re no fun to be around.”
Micah was officially sprawled out across both of us, and he peered up at me with his nose scrunched. “You talked about cars and pads for dinner. That wasn’t fun.”
I winced and glanced at Ash.
He squinted at nothing and scratched his scruffy jaw. “Okay, maybe discussing a coupon for the pads Hallie uses wasn’t my brightest idea.”
I hadn’t reacted until Hallie had complained. “A good sale is a good sale.” I poked Micah’s tummy, making him squirm. “Maybe we should use your allowance to get Dylan a car.”
He gasped and tugged down his pajama shirt. “No! That money is mine, Daddy!”
I laughed softly. “Okay, fine. We’ll come up with another idea.”
Micah’s nineteen dollars and fifty cents could rest easy.
Ash and I had some time to think of a solution. We had to find a good balance between cheap as hell and safe. We didn’t want to get stuck with a leasing situation yet. Not before Dylan could contribute. At the same time, we obviously wanted him to focus on school.
“And…lights out,” Ash murmured.
I dropped my gaze to Micah. Dammit. He was asleep. At ten PM. And now…Ash had no reason to stay.
“It’s been five minutes,” I muttered. “Can you suck it up a little while longer? I know you wanna be anywhere but here.”
“Was that what I said?”
No, but I knew him.
I stayed still as he carefully lifted Micah’s legs and then stood up.
“Let’s get you to bed.” He picked up Micah as if he weighed nothing.
Our boy stirred and came to, blinking sleepily. “Is it a new year now, Daddy?”
“You bet, champ. You made it. Now we can all go to bed.”
I swallowed hard and watched them disappear up the stairs, and for some goddamn reason, my emotions decided to rear their ugly head.
My eyes smarted, and I felt like months’ worth of keeping my shit together somewhat was all for nothing.
I’d tried to move on. I’d begun a relationship and ended it within two months, and every time I’d met up with Eli, I’d felt like I was cheating on Ash.
Even though Eli and I hadn’t done much. But nothing worked.
I wasn’t strong enough to get over Ash. I never would be.
I was as in love with him now as the day we’d gotten married.
Lying awake at night, I sometimes felt my skin crawl with how badly I needed him next to me.
I couldn’t fucking do it.
Loneliness was eating at me too. This was my future. Every other week, the children would be here with me. And then I’d spend the next week alone in a house that’d lost its heart.
Needing something to do, I got off the couch and started carrying bowls and plates back to the kitchen.
I could already picture myself polishing off that chocolate assortment tomorrow as I threw myself a pity party for one.
Ash returned while I was stowing everything away in containers.
“Do you want to bring any leftovers with you?” I asked. “There’s plenty to go around.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind some of the cheese.” He stopped at the candy bowl and dug around, but he didn’t find anything he liked. No Jolly Ranchers, in short. “Maybe some chips too.”
“I’ll pack the chocolate as well. Otherwise, I’m eating it all tomorrow.” I grabbed another container.
We were ordering our traditional New Year’s Day pizza, of course. We had extra cheesecake left over too. I could stuff my face and watch a sad movie.
“Are you okay?”
I side-eyed him. “Ask me anything but that tonight.”
He didn’t say anything else, but he was waiting me out. And I was too weak to keep my mouth shut.
“New Year’s is supposed to be about just us, our family, and once the kids are passed out, you and I sit down and discuss next year’s vacations and activities.”
There. I’d admitted it. Or part of what was weighing on me.
“Yeah…those were the days.”
Ask him, jackass. You’ll regret it if you chicken out.
If he said no, I’d respect that. He’d probably say no. I was his least favorite person nowadays.
Possibly because I’d freaked out like a lunatic about his new house.
“Would it be so bad if we did something together next summer?” I asked hesitantly. “It doesn’t have to be for two weeks or even one—just…maybe a long weekend?”
His forehead creased with confusion. “Wouldn’t that upset the kids or give them false hope? We’ll be in the middle of the divorce by then.”
Please don’t remind me.
“You’re probably right.” I wasn’t gonna push it, despite that I believed it might do the kids good to see us united even after the divorce.
Whatever. He didn’t want to. I couldn’t blame him.
“Never mind.” I handed him the container with snacks.
“I guess I’ll just wish you a happy new year now.
” I swallowed past the emotions threatening to resurface. “May it be a lot better than this one.”
He chewed on the corner of his mouth and observed me, which was never a good thing. He could read me too well.
“It can’t possibly get any worse,” he murmured.
I wasn’t so sure.
Once the divorce was officially happening, I’d have no choice but to take off my ring.
“Happy new year, Nate.” He leaned in to torture me; he kissed my cheek briefly before pulling away. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I nodded once and dropped my gaze to the floor.
He needed to leave before I broke down.
I go back thirty seconds on the video again, then hit play. You didn’t look nervous. I was a wreck because I suddenly had everything to lose. But you, Ash…you were calm. Certain, as you told me afterward. You were certain.
I don’t know if the guests in the back heard your vows; for a loud, rambunctious man, you never shout when your heart is speaking. That’s when you unleash the low murmur that can shake me up to this day.
“It’s a heady feeling, innit? To find the person you wanna write your life story with. It can only be you, Nate. And now, years down the road, we haven’t even reached the middle. We have decades of memories to make—and nothing makes me happier. You’re my world. You are always in my heart.”
You become blurry on the screen, and I quickly wipe my hand over my cheeks.