34. Ryan Fairview
A s ridiculous as it was, I couldn’t stop myself from comparing Joanna to Cal.
She was the complete opposite of him in every way, down to her safe, eco-friendly Prius. I sat in the passenger seat as she drove us to a local coffee shop, thinking about how much Cal would hate this fucking car.
Joanna was going on and on about how school was going and about the fact that she was considering adding some new psalms to her curriculum, and I could barely manage more than one-word responses.
The painkillers Cal had left for me were finally kicking in, and I was using my newfound brain power to analyze Joanna in a way I never had before.
She was pretty enough.
Average .
She was nice.
Normal.
She was polite…
Boring.
I scowled at that last word. That was mean and not true at all. I was sure she had some things about her that were exciting. I just didn’t know her very well.
As she parked the car and I followed her into the cafe, I began to wonder if the fact that I didn’t know her very well was normal.
We’d been dating for six months.
Six months! And I barely knew anything about her.
I’d known Cal for a few days, and he already knew what my favorite flowers were, how I liked my eggs, and that I boxed in my free time. He even seemed to be starting to get suspicious about my weird ability to see dead people.
I didn’t even think Joanna knew what my favorite color was. To be fair, I didn’t know hers either… though judging by her outfit, I would guess some shade of grey…
Cal’s favorite color was definitely black or red.
He had horrible taste in music, and he liked to cook. He also seemed to be interested in spooky shit. He was always going on about how much he loved my house, and he was genuinely the only person I ever met who actually seemed interested in learning how cremation worked.
“How do you take your coffee, Ryan?”
I shook my head, snapping myself out of my spiraling thoughts to find Joanna watching me expectantly as she tried to order me a coffee.
Cal wouldn’t have had to ask. He would have known I take my coffee black.
Cal didn’t drink coffee. He preferred tea with milk. No sugar.
‘Cause he was sweet enough already.
Jesus fucking Christ.
“Uhh, black. Thank you,” I muttered. She gave me a polite smile and completed the order. We took our drinks to one of the empty tables in the cafe.
It was independently owned and not too busy, so there were a few options to pick from. Joanna slid into a four-top, and I took the seat directly across from her.
“So,” Joanna started, taking a delicate sip of her coffee… or whatever it was she ordered. “You wanted to end our arrangement?”
I cleared my throat awkwardly and leaned back in my seat, suddenly feeling like an idiot.
“Uhm. Yeah. I think it’s for the best. I don’t feel like I’ve been fair to you.”
She blinked and cocked her head to the side.
“Why do you feel like you haven’t been fair to me?” she asked.
Well, that was a good fucking question…
“Uhm… well, I just. I barely ever message you. I don’t think I’m emotionally available. You deserve better.”
God, I felt like I was quoting lines from ‘Break Ups for Dummies.’
She frowned, not like she was upset, but like she was processing what I had just told her.
“Is there someone else?”
I choked on my coffee. “What!? No! I mean… maybe. I don’t know. It’s really complicated. I didn’t cheat on you if that’s what you mean.”
Or… I didn’t think I did. I broke up with her before Cal sucked my dick… Did it count as cheating when he beat me off in the prep room? I hadn’t really had a choice in that, so I didn’t think so… though I didn’t really regret it happening… fuck I felt like an asshole.
“It’s okay, you know. If there’s someone else,” she said, and I almost choked on my coffee again.
“Wh-what?”
She was staring at me with a completely calm expression on her face. No way was Joanna kinky enough to be implying that she was okay with an open relationship… Was she?
“What do you mean by that?”
She sighed and folded her hands in front of her, giving me a stern look.
“Come on, Ryan. I know what this is. I don’t really need a boyfriend. I just need someone that my parents deem appropriate to accompany me to family functions. It keeps the pressure off of me to… marry.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Wait, so you… this was never real for you?”
She let out a soft chuckle. “Was it ever real for you? Ryan, we haven’t spoken to each other in over two weeks. I’m almost certain that real couples converse more frequently than that.”
I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly and shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never really been in an actual relationship before.”
She gave me a look that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. It was close enough to pity that my stomach soured.
“Well. I apologize then, Ryan. I assumed that you entered this arrangement for the same reasons I had.”
“So you were just using me as a decoy for your parents? Are you seeing someone else?” I asked. I didn’t really care if she was. I just suddenly felt like I had been bumbling around, thinking I had everyone around me fooled, but really, I was sticking out like a sore thumb.
“Not at the moment, no. I’m honestly not interested in dating anyone right now. When I met you, I was just coming out of something with someone that… let’s just say my parents didn’t approve.”
Jesus, even Joanna had more relationship experience than I did.
Fucking Christ, I was pathetic.
We stared at each other for a long moment, and I wanted so badly to ask if her parents hadn’t approved because the person she had been seeing was a woman, though it didn’t feel appropriate.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I muttered awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.
“Don’t be. They deserved better. I wasn’t ready to be the person they needed me to be.”
For some reason, that struck a little too close to home.
Did Cal deserve better than me? Was I the Joanna in this situation? Oh god, I definitely was the Joanna…
The longer this conversation went on, the more and more crap I was beginning to feel, and this time it had nothing to do with the hangover.
“Anyway. With all that being said. I’m sure you can understand now what I mean when I say it’s not a problem for me if you’re interested in seeing someone else. However, I do wonder if you would still be willing to keep up our arrangement? All you would need to do is show up to a few family gatherings and pretend to be my date.”
I opened my mouth to explain that I didn’t think that would be a good idea when a massive tattooed hand slammed down in the middle of the four-top.
We both jumped, and I looked up to find Cal scowling down at us, his angry brown eyes locked on Joanna.
“Abso-fucking-lutely not,” he snarled, and Joanna’s face went white.