Chapter Forty-Five Emergency Services
As expected, there aren’t many people at breakfast when I first head down. Mr Smarmy and Ms Mercurian are there and they wave me over. He’s so charming that I have to say something.
‘Can I be assured your intentions are honourable towards my valued guest?’ I ask with a tone that I hope says light-hearted in a ‘don’t mess with me’ kind of way.
‘Most certainly not.’ He laughs and they clasp hands.
‘Would you mind getting me some of that delicious-looking smoked salmon, please, darling?’ Ms Mercurian asks and he leaves the table to do her bidding.
When he’s gone she leans in. ‘Don’t worry about me,’ she whispers, ‘I know what he is.’
‘Oh, I wasn’t worried,’ I fake badly.
‘Well, there’d be good cause. He’s already suggesting I invest my savings in his business in the Caribbean and that we live there together in a tropical paradise.’ She laughs. ‘He must have thought I was born yesterday. The only thing he hasn’t suggested yet is that I wire some cash to Nigeria.’
‘Why are you still with him, then?’ I ask.
‘If I’m not, then some poor innocent might be. At least I can handle him. Besides which, while he thinks I might be game, I get the most amazing attention.’ She winks.
And on that note, Smarmy returns with her dish and a rose he’s stolen from the flower display. I raise my glass of orange to the wily old girl. Cheers indeed.
After this, I’m not really sure of the sequence of the rest of the morning, it all happened so fast. Sometimes you think you remember things but then you realize that you couldn’t possibly have been in all of the places at once. You’re putting together the memories of everyone there.
I remember hearing the rumblings of the ship getting ready to leave port. I start walking along the deck and a man barges past me demanding to see the captain.
‘We’ve been burgled in our own cabin,’ he protests as the crew try to calm him down.
I’m not overly concerned initially as I imagine they’ve just misplaced things after a few too many. I look over the railings and see that the magician’s costume van is still parked there and that the gangway hasn’t been raised yet.
They must be getting more costumes, I think to myself.
Then I’m aware of more noise inside the restaurant. I turn around and see that some of my guests have become embroiled in the fracas.
‘Angie, you have to come and sort this out, they’re not taking it seriously.’
Ms Mercurian grabs me by the arm and drags me back into the restaurant where a number of people look very angry.
‘What’s happened?’ I ask.
‘There’s been a robbery overnight,’ she tells me. ‘Lots of people have had jewellery and money taken from their rooms. That man over there has lost a gold Rolex.’
I don’t want to belittle what’s going on but I have heard that more gold Rolexes have been lost and claimed for than were ever made in the first place.
‘That woman is missing a necklace and that man lost his phone.’ As she points out the list of people who’ve had things stolen I realize I recognize them all.
They were all part of the magic trick last night and all of these things were on display, even the Rolex now I come to think of it. I have to get to the captain who is, I notice, at the heart of the angry throng.
‘Captain,’ I say, ‘I don’t know whether this is relevant but everyone knew these people had those things in their cabin last night and they knew that they’d be at the party.’
Together we go to the magician’s cabin and knock on the door. Nothing. The captain says he needs to check the register to find out where the assistant is staying.
‘Oh, I know that, come on,’ I say.
We get to Patty’s cabin and knock loudly.
‘Hold on,’ comes her voice, ‘there’s enough of me to go round.’
Patty opens the door in her robe, raises her eyebrows when she sees the captain and then sighs grumpily when she spots me behind him. We barge past her and see one tidy bed and one newly slept in. I pull open the wardrobes and drawers but only evidence of Patty remains.
‘What on earth . . . ?’ she asks.
‘The assistant, where is she?’ asks the captain.
‘Hasn’t been here all night. I imagine she’s bunking up with the man and his magic wand. Why?’ she replies.
‘Some of the guests have been robbed,’ I tell her, ‘and all of them were involved in the magic trick last night.’
‘You think they might be the culprits?’ asks Patty.
‘It’s starting to look like it,’ I reply.
‘Well, they can’t get off the boat, we’re ready to leave,’ says the captain as he picks up his radio.
‘The gangway is still lowered,’ I tell him.
The captain finishes his conversation and darts off. I follow, as does Patty wearing only a robe and deck shoes.
We dash up the stairs and see the magician and his assistant starting down the gangway.
The captain speaks into his radio: ‘Do not let anyone disembark until I get there.’
The magician overhears the instruction being given and looks up to see all of the guests hanging over the side yelling, ‘Stop thieves!’
They grab their bags and start to make a run for it, causing a mass panic with guests tearing along the deck, trying to follow them. I have visions of the Mercurians falling into the sea and being crushed by their own cruise liner.
The crew do a valiant job of holding back the tide of angry customers, but the magician makes it to the end of the gangway just as it is a couple of feet off the ground. They throw their bags and cases over the barrier and the van screeches closer. The driver jumps out and starts loading the bags into the back. The magician leaps on shore and is legging it towards the van, but the assistant is afraid to try so he starts to leave without her.
‘He’s going to get away,’ I exclaim.
Suddenly the dock is filled with the screeching of sirens and tyres as four police cars surround the van then drag out the driver and magician. The gangway is lowered and ship security escorts the assistant ashore to be arrested.
A big cheer goes up from the dining deck and I realize we’ve all been yelling this on as if it were a spectator sport. Those who haven’t had their phones stolen are sharing the videos they’ve taken. I expect we’ll see this online at some point in the very near future.
I follow the captain to meet the police. Patty starts to do the same but I nod down at her outfit and she rushes back to get changed.
It turns out that the magicians had quite an alternative act going on, genuinely making things disappear (I know, that pun will be used so many times over the next few days). They committed the robbery, using the act to establish who had jewellery worth stealing and then breaking into cabins when they knew people would be out at the fancy dress. They knew the guests would be partying hard so wouldn’t miss their belongings until later in the morning.
They also had a laundering business going on. They picked up stolen goods from one country with their costumes and transported them to another, meeting a new courier at each port.
The captain and I convey this to the guests who now have to identify their possessions.
‘I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure this,’ I tell the Mercury Club. ‘We’d never knowingly put you in any danger or send you on holiday with master criminals.’
I try to make light of it, hoping that our reputation hasn’t been destroyed but I needn’t have worried.
‘Are you kidding?’ exclaims one guest. ‘This is the most exciting holiday I’ve ever had.’
Sadly for the beautiful harbour town, the delights of its market square and cafés are only a backdrop to the constant retelling of this morning’s tale, which even made it back home.
Internet sensation again ? texts Charlie.
He also reports that sales are increasing again as the news and the videos spread. Bizarre that we now all need to be part of something outrageous to have a good time. Maybe sunsets and sights are no longer enough. I’m not sure how I keep this up. Do I have to get people eaten by lions on the South Africa trip?