Chapter 10
10
Tam
‘Hello, Tam.’
Tam stared at the neatly dressed man blocking his path. Too neat. The Chris Tam knew of old never ventured sartorially past jeans and a tee shirt. Now he looked as if he might have on his best suit for a court appearance. Not that Tam gave a damn, not any more.
‘It’s good to see you,’ he added. ‘You’re looking well.’
Tam refused to be drawn, remaining silent. Chris wouldn’t have failed to clock the length of his hair. He used to tease Tam about it, about its ginger colour, but also how it grew ever more curly the longer it got. Now it was far beyond what Tam used to tolerate. He surreptitiously pulled his coat together a little more. If Chris’s memory was any good, he’d also realise that Tam was still wearing his favourite shirt, only instead of crisp and well laundered, it was now a little rumpled, with a slight fraying to one cuff.
Chris tried again. ‘No, really, you look better than you did the last time I saw you. Things must be on the up.’
They weren’t, not really; Tam had just got better at looking after himself with no money to speak of, but he was damned if he’d reward Chris with a response. He checked his watch. ‘I have a job I’m going to be late for,’ he said.
‘Good…that’s good.’ Chris paused, as if weighing something up. ‘I was hoping to catch you,’ he continued, opening his jacket to fish inside. ‘I have some more post for you. Sorry, some of it might be a couple of weeks old, I haven’t seen you and—’ He stopped to pull out some letters from an inside pocket.
Tam’s gaze was cool as he looked at the envelopes Chris handed to him. ‘I don’t suppose there was anything important. Thanks anyway.’ He moved to walk on by, but Chris stepped sideways, blocking his path.
‘Look, I know you don’t believe me, but I do feel bad about what happened. I feel awful, actually. But it happened and, well, you handled it the way you felt was right, while I?—’
‘Walked away abdicating all responsibility.’
‘I chose a different way,’ corrected Chris. At least he tried to. He would never convince Tam his way was better. ‘And it’s taken me until now to really find my feet again. Which is why I’ve come to see you.’ He gestured at a pinstriped leg. ‘I’ve just come from the bank.’
Tam supposed his interest was meant to be well and truly piqued, but there was nothing Chris could say to him that would have him wanting to hear more. He stared down the street. A tabby cat was sitting on a wall cleaning itself, one leg stuck in the air at an absurd angle. He watched for a moment, smiling gently before turning his attention back to Chris, the smile instantly falling from his face.
‘What do you want?’ he asked.
‘Nothing, I just…So, no permanent address yet then?’
‘I’d have told you if I had.’
‘Yeah, right, course.’ Chris picked at the edge of his nostril, before rubbing his nose. ‘Only it’s been a while and…not that I mind bringing your post but?—’
‘I should hope not, given that it’s entirely your fault I’m homeless in the first place.’
‘Mate, are you ever going to let up about that?’
Tam glared at him. ‘ Really ? You’re really asking me that question?’
Chris looked away. ‘Okay, okay, I get it. But look, I’m asking because I might have a proposition for you. Something which could solve your…problem.’
‘My problem? Assuage your guilt, more like.’ He swallowed, trying to tamp down his anger. ‘How can I make it any clearer, Chris? I want nothing to do with you, or any propositions you may have. I did that once before, remember? I should have thought allowing me to use your address for mail would be the least you could do, but if it’s a problem I’ll be happy to make other arrangements.’
‘It’s no biggie,’ replied Chris with a steady gaze. ‘But don’t forget that without our little arrangement your employer might not have given you a job in the first place, or be quite so happy to keep you on.’
Tam was finding it increasingly hard to keep his anger in check. ‘You’re actually threatening me with blackmail now?’ He shook his head. ‘You know, I used to think you were a decent bloke, but with every word that comes out of your mouth you prove to me how wrong I was. I don’t even know why I’m still standing here. Excuse me, I have things to do.’ He shoved at Chris’s arm and pushed past.
‘At least listen to what I have to say,’ Chris argued, catching hold of Tam. ‘I came to offer you a job. I’m going into business again…not quite the same kind of thing as before, just a shop this time, but I’ve got the details sorted out, my eye on the perfect premises and now I’ve been to the bank the finance is ready to go too.’
Tam gave him a long look. ‘Yeah…I wondered why the suit, but you know, Chris, wild horses and all that.’
Chris pulled in his neck by several centimetres. ‘It’s a good job…better than the rubbish one you’ve got at the moment.’ A vein was beating at the side of his wide forehead. ‘But if you’re not interested then…Look, mate, what happened was ages ago now, and I’m in a position to make it up to you. So don’t go getting all snarky on me until you hear what I’m offering.’
Tam wrinkled his nose. ‘I’d rather not, if it’s all the same. And snarky doesn’t begin to cover how I feel, so I’ll make it clear, shall I? You took my dream, Chris, pretended it was yours and then shat all over it. So no, I don’t think you can make it up to me, and I’ll take my chance with my rubbish job, thanks. At least it’s honest.’
Chris glared at him, looking hot under the collar despite the cold wind blowing down the street. ‘Fine. Have it your way. But you’re making a mistake here, Tam, and you know what they say – pride comes before a fall.’
‘I’ve fallen further than I ever thought possible,’ replied Tam, jaw clenched so hard his teeth hurt. ‘And I’ve made all the mistakes I’m going to. Now, in another five minutes I’m going to be late for work, so if you’ll excuse me…’ He took several steps forward as Chris moved to one side to let him pass.
‘I bumped into your mum the other day,’ said Chris from behind, his voice suddenly silky smooth. ‘She doesn’t know, does she? She asked me how the business was, and if the next time you visit her you could bring a nice little potted plant for her friend Marjorie’s birthday.’
‘Leave my mum out of this,’ growled Tam. ‘And no, of course she doesn’t bloody well know. It would break her heart, literally, if I told her, and she’s not to get stressed. She’s been pretty stable this last year, and I aim to keep it that way.’
At that, Chris’s stance changed. His shoulders dropped and his chest deflated. ‘I’m sorry, Tam, I really am. Look, if you change your mind, you know where I am. It’s a good job, and it could be the start of something better for you. You’d have more money, you’d be able to get a place of your own again. Think about it at least. The offer still stands.’
Tam gave him one last look and carried on walking.
He didn’t look back. He’d made a pact with himself to never look back. But even so, he hadn’t gone more than a few yards before he wondered if his pride had been doing the talking for him. Except it wasn’t pride, was it? There might be something puritanical about the way he lived now, but he wasn’t wearing a hair shirt for no reason: it was the principle of the thing. He had to make amends for what he’d allowed to happen. Behaviour like Chris’s was infectious, and Tam was scared that if he was exposed to it again for any length of time, he would end up thinking that dodging the consequences of his actions was okay, just as Chris had. He’d forget all the people who had been hurt when his business went under, the stress he had caused them, the livelihoods that could have been ruined had Tam not sought to repay them by any means open to him. Knowing that he had made things right was the only reason he could sleep at night. He shook his head at the thought. That was a joke in itself.
He could remember vividly the first night he had slept in his car. How naive he had been, thinking that he could just park up and sleep the night away. He’d only managed two nights in the same street as Chawston House – not right outside, just a little further along the road – but those two nights had clearly been two too many for the other residents in the street. And on the third he had been ‘moved on’. It had been the same story ever since. Remove the four walls of a house and Tam instantly changed from a respectable, law-abiding person to someone you would cross over the road to avoid. Scum, in other words. And what hurt was that, inside, Tam was the same person he’d always been, and always would be, but that wasn’t enough. He’d never be a part of the world again until he could acquire four walls, and that was what almost made him turn around and run back after Chris. Almost.
There was always something going on at Chawston House. Gemma, the Pets As Therapy lady had been in that morning, and he waved as he spotted her and her two huge golden retrievers on the other side of the road. And, as usual when Gemma had been in, Tam was met at the gate by Eric, one of their residents, who would have gone home with Gemma if he could. As it was, once the visit was over, he insisted on accompanying Bonnie and Tyler right to the front door of the house, holding both dogs while Gemma signed out, before escorting them all down the driveway. Once there, he would stand, waving, until Gemma and her dogs disappeared from view.
‘Morning, Eric,’ he said, as he slipped through the gate, smiling at the staff member who stood beside him. He liked Marina; you could always tell when she was on duty because you could hear her laughing long before you saw her. Today, she had a look in her eye that Tam knew well: a warm, compassionate sadness. ‘Hey, did you see those dogs, Eric?’ he asked. ‘Beauties, weren’t they?’
Most of the time, Eric returned to the house without any issue. Sometimes, it took the suggestion of a cup of tea to entice him back inside, but on occasion, like today, Chawston House had simply slipped from Eric’s memory.
He was still staring down the road. ‘I had a dog once,’ he said. ‘Just like those two, only black…and a bit smaller.’
Tam laid a hand on Eric’s sleeve. ‘I don’t think you’ve told me that before. What was his name?’
‘ Her name,’ replied Eric, smiling. ‘She was called Floss, the best sheepdog, she were, for miles around.’
‘Really? So, were you a farmer then?’
‘Oh aye, one hundred and forty-five ewes, we had.’
Tam flicked a glance at Marina. ‘Blimey, I bet they were a handful. No wonder you needed a sheepdog to keep them under control. Did you whistle for her, like you see on the television?’
‘Course…’ said Eric, staring at him, puzzled. ‘How else do you get her to do what you want? That’s how she were trained. I had her right from a pup.’
‘I’ve never really understood how that works but, tell you what, Eric—’ He broke off, rubbing his hands together and shrugging his shoulders. ‘It’s freezing out here. Would you like to come inside for a cup of tea, and you can tell me all about it? I’d love to know.’
‘Only if you’ve got time…’
Tam checked his watch. ‘I have. Lunch won’t be for an hour yet.’ He touched Eric’s sleeve again and began to slowly walk towards the house, waiting a second or two to make sure Eric was following. ‘Actually, you could stay and have some if you like. I think it’s fish and chips today.’
‘Is it? That’s my favourite.’
‘Blimey, what are the chances? Good job you stopped by then.’
‘Are you coming too?’ Eric asked Marina. ‘You look like you could do with a warm through, you’re shivering, girl.’
‘If that’s okay,’ she replied, smiling. ‘I am a bit cold. And I’d love to hear more about Floss, too, she sounds like a darling. I’ve got a spaniel called Jasper but he’s mad as a box of frogs. He definitely wouldn’t be any good with sheep.’
‘That’s because he’s a retriever,’ said Eric. ‘Not his job, is it?’
Safely through the front door, Marina steered Eric down the hallway. ‘Shall we go and put the kettle on?’ she said.
‘Aye, my room’s this way…’
She turned to smile at Tam, who was hanging back so he could pop into the office to sign in. ‘Trish asked if she could have a word,’ she whispered. ‘See you later.’
Tam grinned and ducked through the office doorway.
Trish had been at Chawston House for eleven years now, and Tam had liked her from the moment he met her during his interview. As deputy manager, she’d played the role of good cop alongside her colleague, Donna, who was definitely happier playing bad cop. Tam had wondered whether it was just the way they’d decided to conduct their interviews, but since joining the staff he’d discovered it was how they always were. Both were fair and straight talking, but, as the more senior manager, Donna maintained a rather aloof approach. You could have a giggle with Trish.
The office, however, was empty, so Tam stayed no longer than the minute it took him to sign in and check his pigeonhole for notices. It was more than likely that Trish wanted him to swap a shift, or, with any luck, work an extra one. With that thought in his head he went off to say hello to the residents and see if he could find her.
As it was, it took until well after dinnertime before they both had a moment to chat.
‘Just pop to the office with me a minute,’ she said. ‘I need my diary.’
Tam followed her down the hallway, thinking that whatever it was he would say yes. Any extra money was a help. The quicker he finished paying off his debts, the quicker he could start saving for his future.
It didn’t even occur to him that something might be amiss until Trish closed the office door behind them and asked him to take a seat. Routine business was usually conducted standing up, occasionally perched on the edge of the desk, but sitting down was serious. Sitting down was trouble.
‘I’m not sure whether you’ve realised but your six-month review is coming up in a couple of weeks,’ she said, opening the big black book at the side of her desk. ‘And Donna has asked me to get a date in the diary.’
‘Okay.’ Tam nodded. That wasn’t serious. So why did Trish have trouble meeting his eye?
She flicked over a couple of pages in the diary before settling on a week Tam couldn’t quite see. ‘It’s not until the twenty-first, so how about we make it for the week after? The twenty-eighth? It’s a Wednesday, so you’d normally be on duty.’
Again, Tam nodded. ‘Any day is fine, whatever suits you best.’
She looked up. ‘Although I had been thinking of taking some holiday…I’ve a few days left which I’ll lose if I don’t take them.’ She studied the diary once more. ‘But if I do that, it would mean pushing things back a bit. It might give you a bit more time though,’ she added.
‘Time?’ queried Tam, not quite sure what she was getting at.
‘Yes. To… prepare.’
‘Oh, I see, yes, sorry. I wasn’t sure how you did things here. There’s a form, is there? Like for an appraisal?’ He smiled. ‘Happy to do that. Do you need it in advance, is that it?’
‘On the day is fine,’ Trish replied, still staring at the page. ‘I think I will make it a bit later. How about the thirteenth of March? That gives you two more weeks.’
‘Whatever works best for you. I don’t want you to lose your holiday.’
Trish plucked a pencil from a pot on the desk. ‘Shall we say four o’clock? If we need to change anything we’ve got plenty of time. I’ll book my holiday with Donna later. It won’t be a problem, she reminded me about it the other day, and look, no one else is off if I go that week.’
Tam was too far away to make out the dates clearly, but he nodded and smiled. There wasn’t much else he could do. Not until Trish revealed why she was behaving so strangely. This was very much a standing up kind of conversation.
‘Right, there we go then. Four o’clock on the thirteenth. I’ll get that form for you, shall I? You won’t have any problem with it, it’s quite straightforward. Really just an opportunity to say how you’re feeling about your role here. How you’ve found your induction, that kind of thing.’
‘I’ve enjoyed it,’ replied Tam. ‘As you know, it’s not the kind of work I’ve ever done before, but the residents are a great bunch.’ He grinned. ‘As are the staff. And I think things have gone well.’
Trish held his look for just a second before glancing back down. ‘It’s been good having you here,’ she replied. ‘I don’t think there’s any argument about that.’
Comforting words, but Tam had the strongest suspicion she was still leaving something unsaid. He stared at her back as she fished through the sections in the filing cabinet behind her desk.
‘Here you go.’ She handed over the form with a tight smile. ‘I’m sure everything will be fine.’
Up until the last few minutes Tam had been sure it would be too. He took the piece of paper and turned for the door. He’d almost made it through before Trish spoke again.
‘Erm, Tam…? Sorry, it’s just…it doesn’t matter to me in the slightest, but you know what Donna’s like…’
Tam turned around slowly. ‘I’m not sure I follow,’ he said, anxiety flicking around the pit of his stomach.
Trish’s cheeks had flushed bright pink and it was clear she was struggling to find the right words. ‘I was in town the other day. In that little car park up behind the baker’s…and I couldn’t help noticing…Is everything all right, Tam?’
A wave of heat made its way up his neck. ‘Perfectly,’ he replied. ‘I’m fine.’
Trish nodded. ‘Right…Well, I won’t say a word to anyone, you don’t need to worry on that score, only…’ She tapped the sheet of paper. ‘Perhaps when you fill in that form, when you come for your review meeting…it would be really good if you had a proper address…a permanent one.’