The Midnight Bakery

Chapter 21

21

Beth

Beth had given Frankie’s advice a great deal of thought, and although she and Jack were speaking to one another again, there was a space between them which hadn’t been there before. Or, perhaps there had been and she’d never noticed it, or allowed herself to, for fear of what she might find there.

They had talked a few times since their argument. Only a little – an agreement not to apportion ‘blame’ and an understanding that both their stances had arisen out of their love for one another, a desire to care and protect – but the conversations were still guarded, and Beth knew it would take a while to convince Jack that she was truly sorry for the wounds she’d inflicted. She also recognised, privately, that saying sorry was not enough; she needed to prove her remorse. And the thought of what that might mean terrified her.

Her head was so full of thoughts as she left the hospital, she scarcely noticed the streets she was walking through, and was surprised how soon she found herself beside her car. Keys in hand, she stopped, because she had been weighing up the pros and cons of a decision all the way there, and now it was time to act on it. Or not. With a tut, she retraced her steps and headed towards Tam’s car. If he was still asleep then she would leave him be, but if not…

As it was, he waved before she could get close enough to check.

‘Sorry, I wasn’t sure if you’d be awake,’ she said as she drew level with the rear window.

‘Pondering the great mysteries of life,’ replied Tam, opening his eyes wide as if to stretch out the muscles.

‘Oh those,’ said Beth, smiling. ‘Slippery little devils, aren’t they? Did you come to any conclusions?’

Tam shook his head. ‘Not a one.’

Beth was suddenly lost for words. How did she say what she wanted to without admitting how much she’d got wrong? She blinked. Actually, what she really needed to do was admit how wrong she’d been. She needed to do it over and over again until she stopped believing she was always right. Hadn’t that been the problem all along?

She cleared her throat. ‘The other day when you came to my house…and I was a complete cow…’

Tam touched a finger to the corner of his mouth and Beth had the distinct impression it was to flatten the smile which wanted to appear. She continued. ‘I didn’t like it when you and Jack started chatting, because I didn’t want anyone encouraging him to think about the part of his life he’d had to leave behind. But I was wrong. And clearly you thought so too.’

‘Did I?’ Tam pulled a face. ‘Oh dear…I hadn’t thought I was quite so obvious. I did my best to hide it.’ But then he smiled, making it easier for her. He was a good man.

‘Well, you were right, and I wanted you to know that. I also wanted – although I’ll understand completely if you say no – to ask for your help.’

Tam studied her face, as if he were peeling back the layers of an onion to see if there was anything different inside. The intensity made Beth feel a little uncomfortable, but she held her ground. Tam had to know that she was genuine. Suddenly, his features changed. His brows relaxed, his eyes crinkled, and his mouth curved upwards into a generous smile.

‘I’m very grateful to you,’ he said. ‘Do you know that because of your kind words about me, Frankie brought me out a flask of tea and a hot-water bottle? To thank me for doing a friend of hers a kindness. So you see, we seem to have come full circle, and the debt of goodwill is now mine to repay. What can I help you with?’

A circle of kindness…Beth liked the sound of that. ‘I wondered if you might like to come and chat to Jack again. Only this time to encourage him to think about the farm and its future. Either now – with the offer of a shower, breakfast and anything else you might need – or whenever else might suit you. Stupidly, I’ve only just begun to realise that the farm is a part of Jack; he can no more deny it than he can breathing…’ She trailed off, feeling the familiar burning sensation that heralded the arrival of tears.

‘You had me at a shower and breakfast, Beth. You really don’t need to explain any more.’ He smiled. ‘But I’d like that. I’ve shut down a part of my life, too, and perhaps it’s time I revisited mine . We always think the ghosts of our past are out to get us, don’t we? But we forget their haunting can also be benign…’

Beth frowned, not entirely sure what he was talking about. ‘So, would you like to come now?’

Tam wriggled his legs out of his sleeping bag. ‘Give me two minutes and I’ll be raring to go.’

Beth was halfway home before she realised that she ought to have spoken to Jack first before springing this surprise on him. He wasn’t usually bad-tempered of a morning, but if he hadn’t slept well, or was in pain…But it was too late now; Tam was only three cars behind her. One of these days she’d stop making mistakes and get something right for once.

She turned up the track to the farmhouse, pausing a moment to make sure that Tam was still with her. The turning was easy to miss if you weren’t familiar with the road, even though Tam assured her that he remembered where it was. Minutes later, he pulled up alongside her.

A steady rain had begun to fall, and Beth hurried them both indoors.

‘Come in, come in, at least it’ll be warm in here.’

She led Tam through to the kitchen, feeling a little embarrassed to be back in the place where she’d been so rude before. This time, she would make it up to him. And Jack.

‘Would you like a drink while I go and get Jack sorted?’ she asked, heading for the kettle.

Tam waved her away. ‘I can do that if you like,’ he said. ‘As long as you don’t mind me rummaging for stuff?’

‘Rummage away,’ replied Beth. ‘I won’t be long.’

At first, her brain couldn’t take in what she was seeing. She stood, staring at the bed in confusion for what seemed like an age before the meaning of it kicked in and spurred her into action. Because the bed was empty. And the bed shouldn’t be empty. It should be full, of Jack, who couldn’t get out of bed unaided…

She rushed to the bathroom, and back again. Stood in the bedroom as if Jack had somehow managed to hide himself on the floor and, even though she knew it was stupid, she lifted the bedclothes to check. And that’s when she realised that his wheelchair was also missing.

Her first thought was that he’d left her. That, somehow, he had engineered a way to leave their life and he’d gone. But he would have needed help to do that, and who would he ask? How would she not know? Sobs rose in her throat. They’d had an argument, a horrible one, but things weren’t this bad, surely? They were talking, they were putting things right. She whirled around, checking the room, but nothing was obviously missing, none of the things he would want to take with him. Even his clothes were still on the chair where she had left them the night before. So, where the hell was he?

‘Tam!’ She yelled his name before she was even back in the hallway and yelled twice more before she arrived in the kitchen, heart beating frantically, fear draining the colour from her face. She skidded to a halt. The kitchen was empty, too. Only the back door swaying in the wind gave her any clue as to where Tam might be.

She wrenched the door wider, looking out into the falling rain and the mud-slicked yard beyond, scanning for any change to the landscape. As she peered through the gloom she spied two figures over by the furthest gate – one in a chair and one standing. It should be impossible, but it wasn’t a trick of the early morning light, nor were her eyes deceiving her. Somehow, Jack had managed to get himself out of bed, into his chair and out of the house. What the hell did he think he was doing?

Beth crossed the yard in seconds, immune to the puddles which splashed muddy water over her shoes and up her legs. Even from some distance away she could see that Jack was soaked through. He was also furious…she could tell by the way he held his head.

‘Jesus, Jack, what are you doing ?’ She took in his bedraggled appearance, and the state of his chair, the wheels of which were thick with mud.

‘Nothing much,’ he replied. ‘I should have thought that was obvious.’

She flicked a glance at Tam. ‘But how did you even get out here? You can’t—’ She broke off at the look on Jack’s face. ‘Well, clearly you can, but for goodness’ sake, what were you thinking?’ Her shock was rapidly turning to anger. ‘You’ll catch your death out here, you’re still in your pyjamas.’

Jack’s mouth was a grim, hard line. ‘Yep,’ he said. ‘Maybe no bad thing…’

Beth ignored his comment. ‘How long have you been out here? Why didn’t you wait until I was home, I would have?—’

‘I think, perhaps, we should get back inside,’ said Tam, shooting her a warning look. ‘And maybe save the questions for later?’

She ignored him too. ‘You’re soaked through. Why didn’t you wheel yourself back inside, for heaven’s sake?’

Jack’s glance was withering. ‘Because I’m stuck. And because I can’t pull both levers to disengage the drive motor and make this thing manual. I can do this side…’ He waved his good hand. ‘But I can’t reach the other, so after damn near dislocating my shoulder trying to do so, I decided to wait for you to come to my rescue. Again.’

Tam moved to the front of the wheelchair, dropping to his haunches. He tilted his head to one side, then the other, clearly trying to work out the arrangement of levers which Jack had just spoken about.

‘May I?’ he asked.

He eased the lever forward and, returning to the rear of the chair, grasped the handles and began to push.

The return journey across the yard was made in absolute silence.

The back door was still hanging open, and a pool of water had gathered on the flagstones where the rain had blown in. It was the least of Beth’s worries. She scuttled inside.

‘We have another wheelchair,’ she said. ‘I’ll go and fetch it.’ Whether Jack’s electric chair was just jammed with mud and gunk or was actually broken she had no idea, but it was pretty much useless the way it was. As would Jack be. The other chair was manual, and he struggled to use it without her. What on earth were they going to do?

‘Right, we need to get you out of your pyjamas first,’ she said, returning with the chair. ‘You must be frozen. How long were you even out there?’

But Jack ignored her, his mouth still set in a hard line.

She put the brake on the other wheelchair, drawing it up alongside him so that she could try to move him from one to the other. It wasn’t going to be pretty. She was about to ask Tam to put the kettle on, as much to get him out of the way as anything else, when he dropped to his haunches again – positioning himself so that he was eye level with Jack. ‘I can get you sorted out, if you like?’

The response was scant, but it was there, the merest nod of his head.

‘Okay then.’ Tam smiled and lifted Jack out of the chair as if he weighed no more than a bag of flour. ‘Where are we headed, mate?’

Beth stared after them as they left the room. The bloody cheek of it – who did Tam think he was? She was about to march furiously after him when she stopped, heart still thudding. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, conscious of the angry rushing sound in her ears. Tam was right to intervene. She was infuriated with Jack and he with her. Some space would be a good idea if they wanted to avoid the situation deteriorating any further. She felt her shoulders beginning to relax and collapsed into a chair, breathing deeply.

The fight had completely gone out of Jack when he and Tam returned. And Beth’s heart squeezed as she saw the expression on Jack’s face. He was a small child again, lost and hurt and lonely in a world which no one else could truly share with him. Tam stepped away from the chair, turning his back to give them a little privacy, and Beth hurried across the floor to kneel in front of Jack. She wrapped her arms around his torso.

‘You scared me,’ she whispered. ‘I thought you’d gone. I thought…’ She couldn’t say how scared she’d been that he’d left her, might leave her still.

‘Where would I go?’ Jack replied, his voice cracking with emotion. ‘Why would I want to?’ He heaved a sigh. ‘I’m sorry, Beth, I just needed to try…I thought I could…’ He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

She pulled back, cupping his face in her hands, every line of it so familiar to her. So familiar and so dear. ‘It does matter,’ she replied. ‘It matters more than anything. And we’re going to sort this, I promise. I don’t know how, but we will.’ She gently kissed his mouth and then his nose and his forehead, searching his face as she did so. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Do you need anything?’

‘Maybe some painkillers.’ His voice was quiet and small. ‘I’m bloody freezing.’ Beth knew that whatever pain he was feeling now would be nothing compared with what was to come. His muscles simply couldn’t stand such punishment.

By the time she returned with some tablets and a fleece blanket, Tam had placed three mugs on the table. The scent of toast filled the air and Beth’s mouth began to water. She was starving, and thirsty too, now that her initial shock had left her. As she settled the blanket around Jack, she suddenly realised that she hadn’t even checked to see how Tam was doing.

‘Do you have any jam?’ he asked, smiling. ‘I couldn’t find any in the fridge.’

‘I’ll get some,’ she replied. ‘It’s in the pantry, but you should get changed, you’re soaked. I can probably find some clothes of Jack’s that would fit you.’

He pulled a face, bending his knees slightly. ‘I feel a bit like I’ve wet myself,’ he said. ‘But I’ve got clothes in the car, I’ll go and fetch them.’

‘No, you won’t,’ she replied. ‘It’s pouring out there and you’re wet enough as it is.’ She laid a hand on his arm. ‘Come with me.’

Back in the bedroom, she began to rummage through the drawers of an old tallboy which stood in one corner. Her face was bright red, she could tell. She’d invited Tam over for some breakfast and a more civilised start to his morning, and look what had happened. She felt awful.

‘There’s no need to be embarrassed,’ said Tam from behind her. ‘I can tell what you’re thinking, but there’s no need. It would seem I arrived just at the right moment, so if you’re feeling bad about me being here, don’t. Someone, somewhere, obviously thought it a good idea, and I agree with them. Let’s leave it at that, shall we?’

She turned around. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m so grateful to you.’

‘Of course you are. You’d be a horrible person if you weren’t, and you’re really not, so you can stop thinking that as well.’

He held her look for a moment and Beth blushed again, found out. She smiled. ‘I don’t know what to say to Jack either,’ she whispered. ‘He hasn’t been this down since…’

‘Something you warned me would happen on the very first occasion we met, I believe. You were right, and if I’ve had anything to do with what happened today then I must accept responsibility for it. And apologise.’

‘I don’t think any of this is down to you at all,’ replied Beth. ‘It might look that way, but this has been coming for a while, Tam, I just hadn’t seen it.’

He nodded. ‘Then in that case, I have some thoughts, if you’re happy for me to share them?’

She gave him a quizzical look.

‘Let me get changed first. How about you go and butter the toast and I’ll meet you back in the kitchen?’

Tam had judged things perfectly; the toast and jam were exactly what they needed. And by the time he returned, she and Jack were already several slices down. She got up to add more bread to the toaster and refill the kettle.

‘Come and sit down,’ she said to Tam. ‘And get stuck in.’

Tam took a seat, looking around at the kitchen as if he’d never seen it before. ‘So how long have you had this place?’ he asked.

‘Eleven years, all told,’ replied Jack. ‘Two of them farmed, the rest…’ – he held up his good arm – ‘returning it even further to the wild. I say farmed, but what I really mean is that I made a very small start on all the work that needed to be done here.’

Tam nodded. ‘I couldn’t see that much from the yard, but if I’ve got my bearings right, then that field of yours to the left would have overlooked a row of greenhouses at one time, polytunnels too.’

‘It did. Although I haven’t been out there in a while, obviously…’ He paused. ‘Are they not there now?’

Tam turned and stared out the window. ‘I’ve no idea,’ he replied.

Beth plonked another pile of toast on the table. ‘I wondered what had happened there,’ she said. ‘I think the land must have been sold fairly recently, but whoever bought it hasn’t bothered with them. It’s a shame, they’ve been vandalised, too; some of them are wrecked.’

Tam turned away, a hollow look in his eyes. ‘It’s such good land, that’s the worst of it. All that promise just slowly ebbing away.’

‘That’s what Jack always used to say about the farm, the thing he couldn’t bear to see happen.’ She took in his expression, the droop of his shoulders, the doleful tone to his voice. ‘You talk as if it’s personal to you,’ she said gently.

‘Hmm…’ Tam gave a wry smile. ‘That’s because the fields are mine, were mine. I grew plants, for shops, garden centres, a business I built literally from the ground up, so I know this area pretty well.’ His eyes sought out Jack’s. ‘It is good land. It can still be good land…’

Jack’s eyes narrowed. ‘So, what happened?’ he asked. ‘You said you work in a care home now – that’s quite some leap.’

‘What happened is I was stupid,’ replied Tam, taking another slice of toast. He bit into it, the seconds ticking by as he chewed thoughtfully. ‘It’s a long story, but a common one. I wasn’t content with what I had, thought I needed to grow and diversify, so I went into partnership with my best mate. And, because I trusted him, I took my eye off the ball and neglected to realise that he was taking decisions which weren’t his to take. The business went bust and the only way I could repay all the people we owed money to was to sell up, cash up and walk away.’ He pulled a face, looking down at himself as if to say and here I am . ‘The rest, as they say, is history.’

Beth sighed. ‘Which explains your interest in agriculture,’ she said. ‘That must have all but destroyed you.’

Tam nodded, his lips pursed. ‘Down, but not out,’ he said. ‘Which is, I think, where I come in.’

Jack exchanged a look with Beth. ‘Sorry, I’m not sure I understand.’

‘Then can I ask you a very personal question?’ said Tam. ‘How much do you want to do this again?’

‘This?’ Beth leaned closer.

‘Yeah. This – the farm, the smallholding, the land. How much do you want to make it work again? Properly, as a going concern.’

Jack let out a snort of derision, but Tam ignored him, looking him straight in the eye.

‘Because if you’re going to do it, then at least do it properly. Don’t go across a yard thick with mud in a wheelchair which won’t cope with anything more substantial than a bit of rain. Don’t go on your own, and don’t go without a plan of what you’re going to do when you get there. Even better, explain what you’re planning to the people around you, and then let them help.’

‘Sounds so easy,’ replied Jack, staring at Tam in surprise. A bitter note had crept into his voice. ‘But, as I can’t go anywhere without said wheelchair, the one which, as you pointed out, is next to useless, I’m not entirely sure how you think I can do any of that.’

Tam shrugged. ‘Then modify it, I don’t know. That’s a problem to resolve. But I did see a quad bike sitting over there in the barn which might prove very useful.’

‘He can’t drive that!’ Beth’s mouth dropped open. She thought Tam might have some sensible ideas, but clearly, she was wrong.

‘He can’t drive it now , I know that,’ Tam replied, rolling his eyes. ‘But what if it were altered so that he could?’

‘I’m sorry, but this is crazy,’ said Beth. ‘Have you any idea how much these things cost? Jack’s wheelchair alone…we can’t afford stuff like this.’ She gave Tam a warning look. Which he met with a smile.

‘I know you think I’m mad, and that I’m talking about something ridiculous which is only going to make the situation worse, but I mentioned it because when I said I’d built my business from the ground up, I did literally build it – the hardstanding for the greenhouses, the frames, the fences, the walls – anything which needed doing, I learned how. I made a pig’s ear of some of it, but isn’t that half the fun?’

Silence filled the room for a few moments, Beth’s heart sinking further and further. She tried to imagine how any of what Tam had said could possibly help them, but all she could think was how impossible it all was. She daren’t look at Jack to see what he was thinking. She didn’t want to see even the slightest gleam of excitement in his eyes, and then have to watch it fade when it all came to nothing. He would fall even further than he had now.

‘Tam, I can see you mean well, but this isn’t going to happen.’ Jack shook his head. ‘I’m not sure you appreciate how little I can do. I can’t use my legs. I have one good arm, the other only works intermittently and?—’

‘Then how did you get yourself out of bed this morning? Into your chair, through the back door and across the yard?’ Tam raised his eyebrows.

‘Because I was bloody fed up of doing nothing,’ retorted Jack. ‘Of thinking about all the things I could be doing but wasn’t. So, I decided I’d have a go and?—’

‘And you did it.’

‘It took an absolute age.’

‘But you did it.’

‘It damn near killed me.’

Tam smiled and sat back in his chair. ‘But you did it.’

Jack closed his eyes, a smirk playing around his lips. He knew when he’d been outmanoeuvred. ‘Yes, I did it,’ he said softly.

‘Yes, and then you got stuck, got soaked to the skin, and had to wait for us to come home and rescue you,’ said Beth. ‘You said it yourself.’

‘But that’s exactly my point,’ said Tam. ‘None of that would have happened if Jack had spoken about his plans. If he was working with someone.’

‘So, what exactly are you suggesting?’ Beth frowned at him, hoping he had thought some of this through before opening his mouth. She risked a look at Jack, seeing, as she knew she would, the first glimpse of excitement in his eyes. It was a light she hadn’t seen in a long while, and she remembered the promise she’d made only moments ago. Perhaps now was the time to make good on it. Because if they were going to do this, they really needed to think about it properly.

Tam nodded. ‘Correct me if I’m wrong, Jack, but presumably when you bought this place all those years ago, you had plans for what you were going to do with it. It was your dream, it was all you ever wanted, so I’m pretty sure those plans were big ones. And I’m equally sure those plans are still in your head.’

‘I mangled my legs, not my brain,’ said Jack. ‘The plans are still intact.’

‘Good. Then I suggest we start talking about them.’