Chapter Twenty
MHAIRI
6 January 1931
Lochaline
The bus door opened with a hiss and Mhairi stepped down into a puddle. She waited where she was as the door closed and the bus pulled away with a groan, continuing on up the lane until it summited the low hill and disappeared down the far side.
Mhairi stood at the small junction and looked at the row of white houses, gates askew from where the children blew in and out like autumn leaves, lights shining from almost every window. Bicycles were propped against the walls and buckets sat beside the coal boxes, ready to be filled. Her own house lay at the end of the row and she saw the rosebushes her mother had been so excited about planting, now in the ground ready for next summer; a small ball lying on the grass...
Mhairi walked slowly up to the gate. It creaked on the hinge – she had forgotten that – and she was halfway up the path when she saw a face appear at the upstairs window. Even silhouetted, she recognized her little sister Red Annie at a glance, and she could almost hear the girl’s gasp through the glass.
She disappeared in the next moment, and Mhairi had scarcely got to the front door before it flew open and Annie was leaping into her arms. Mhairi laughed, dropping her bag as she hugged her sister back. She was braced for a cold reception and she was surprised at how comforting a child’s hug could be. She nuzzled her face in Annie’s hair, so like her own, and smelled within it all the scents of home.
By the time they pulled apart, the others had heard the commotion and were gathering at the door. Wee Murran stood there holding a wooden train toy, an impressive scab on his knee; Christina, the next oldest after Mhairi, had a book in her hand. Her big brother Fin, holding three-year old Alasdair on his shoulders, pushed a new pair of spectacles up his nose.
‘Hello, everybody,’ she said quietly, her eyes searching for her parents in the background but finding no sign of them.
There was a pause and the younger ones looked over at Fin, as the eldest assembled there and therefore the default authority.
‘You’d better come in,’ he said, stepping back so the others could do the same.
Mhairi followed him through to the front room. The fire was lit, even though they had radiators, and she set down her bag, taking in all the changes accrued during her absence. A framed needlepoint she suspected was Christina’s handiwork decorated a corner of the wall. There was a small bookshelf half-filled with books, and a rug had been laid on the floor, which was currently covered with wooden building blocks.
Fin put Alasdair back down on the ground and he toddled over to them as Mhairi set down her bag and shrugged off her coat. She was aware of the way Christina and Fin were looking at her, as if she had two heads, and she realized David must have told them what she and Donald had revealed to him on Boxing Day. They hadn’t sworn him to secrecy on the matter and he was no tittle-tattle, she knew that; he must have done it in the hopes of somehow pleading their case with her parents and the rest of the community.
‘Mhairi, we weren’t expecting y—’ Fin began.
‘I didn’t give warning,’ she replied, just as a commotion in the hall made them turn and Mad Annie burst through, followed a few moments later by Ma Peg.
‘So it’s true, then,’ Mad Annie said breathlessly, looking at her with wild eyes. ‘You’re back.’
‘Aye.’
The air in the room seemed to roll around their heads, thoughts jostling for space, everyone looking at her with stunned expressions that gave her an indication of just how they had received David’s revelations. She wondered when exactly he had told them. The day after he got back? This morning?
Annie looked like she wanted to say something, to do something...her body lurching forward a little before she caught herself and pulled back. Mhairi knew a slapped cheek was the least she deserved.
‘Well, lass,’ Ma Peg breathed, shooing the children away so she could get to a chair and sit down. She looked back at Mhairi with aged eyes. She had seen plenty of scandals in her lifetime; but did anything amount to the horror of Mhairi and Flora’s secrets? ‘What a thing, you coming back unannounced like this.’
Mhairi swallowed. More sounds were coming to their ear – the squeaky hinge of the gate, footsteps on the path, the front door hitting the wall – and she knew the entire village would be here within moments. One of the children must be running from door to door, spreading the news.
Two puppies shot in, ears up, noses down, as they investigated the commotion.
‘Mhairi?’ Effie gasped, bursting through a moment later, looking worried and excited all at once. ‘What are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’
But there was no time to reply. More familiar faces were coming through, young and old, all wearing the same look – except for David. He came in with wild eyes that told her he’d sprinted here too.
‘Mhairi?’
‘Hello, David,’ she said quietly, offering nothing more. She was waiting now for her parents to arrive, since it was clearly their judgement that would determine everyone else’s response. They were holding their tongues – even Mad Annie, just – and a silence fell over the room as it filled up with more and more bodies. Mhairi felt as if she was in court, waiting for the judge to pass sentence.
Her parents were the last to walk through. Her mother’s eyes were already wet as she came in. Her father was pale. They were followed by Christina MacQueen, wheeling Flora’s father, in his chair. His injured leg was still bandaged. Norman, Jayne and Old Fin were further up the lane and it would be several minutes before they made an appearance, though Mhairi didn’t doubt they would.
Rachel looked her daughter up and down with haunted eyes, taking in the young woman’s slender body, and Mhairi could see she found it scarcely possible to believe that she had birthed a baby. Her own child had lost a child and she had hidden it all behind a ridge, a shawl and a stoical smile.
Finally, the room stilled. Silence fell like a black curtain. Everyone waited.
‘...I know I’ve let you all down,’ she began in a small voice, her eyes darting between them all. ‘You expected better from me and I failed you...’ She swallowed, feeling the quiver of emotions in her chest at the coming words she knew she had to say. ‘It was never my intention to fall in love with Donald. He was married and I know what that makes me. I have wrestled with my conscience since the very first moment and no one could hate me more than I have hated myself. I ought to have married McLennan and done my duty and I’m...I’m sorry that I couldn’t go through with it.’
David’s head dropped at her words, Effie blanching, for she too had lived through a similar fate. Mhairi saw a tear trickling down her mother’s cheek, although she stood as frozen as the rocks on the St Kildan hills.
‘I tried my best not to lie to any one of you and, in going over to the other side, I was trying not to deceive you but to spare you from the shame of my actions.’ Her eyes moved slowly over the gathered faces and she saw in them sorrow marbled with pity, but disgust too. She could not sugarcoat the egregiousness of her actions.
‘...Donald and I tried to make things right, as best we could, and we were resolved to stand by our...our decision to be apart and give up the baby. But...I lost my daughter...’ Her voice broke on the words, her mother slumping too. ‘And I have come to accept that it was God’s will. It was just punishment for my sin. I knew Donald was a married man. I deserved my fate.’
‘Mhairi—’ David said, taking a half step forward from where he stood pressed against the wall.
‘No, David,’ she said, stopping him from stopping her. ‘I need to say this. All of it.’
He fell back, looking pained by her self-censure.
‘But Flora’s only sin was her...haste. Timing. It was wrong, aye, but James was coming back to marry her. The scandal would have been erased the moment they were wed. She did not deserve to have her baby stolen under a wicked lie. No one deserves that.’ She tried to stand a little taller. ‘Flora and I sinned, we don’t deny it – but we were not the only ones. Lorna is not who you believe her to be.’ She saw the look of consternation cross Ma Peg’s face at the unexpected mention of the nurse’s name. She stalled for a moment. ‘Nor Crabbit Mary either.’ She swallowed. ‘They’re lovers.’
A collective gasp whistled around the room and she realized David must not have revealed this final secret. Had it been a scandal too far for him? None of these were his stories, after all.
For a moment Mhairi felt her nerve fail her as a murmur of protest broke out and the children were quickly shooed from the room, but she was here to speak the truth, no matter how dark or unpalatable it may be.
‘I’m sorry but it’s true. They manipulated us both in different ways...And tricked Donald too.’ She looked down, playing with her fingers, which were interlaced in front of her.
‘When I went to Oban, it was to do the right thing. I could not stand by as he was jailed on account of a lie. It was Flora, not Mary, who gave birth to a baby that night, and when Mary forsook his alibi, I had no choice but to come forward and tell the truth – that he had been with me after midnight.’
She saw her father turn away, but her mother stood motionless, tears tracking down her cheeks.
‘And when he was freed, I could not pretend I did not love him still. I have always been, I hope, a dutiful daughter, but we had suffered greatly during our time apart and, in the end, I chose to live with shame than to live without him. Of course we cannot be wed – Mary has seen to that, fleeing to Canada without giving him a divorce.’
Ma Peg flinched at the word and Mhairi stared down at the floor. Was her message falling on deaf ears? Had coming back been a terrible mistake?
‘I don’t expect you to understand, much less to forgive, and I know you must be wondering why, then, I am here.’ She bit her lip before she looked up again and stared at the opposite wall. It was impossible to meet anyone’s eye.
‘I have left him, not because I do not love him. I do and I always will – but he cannot leave Oban and it was no longer safe for me to remain there. The neighbours harass me daily, believing themselves to be defending Mary. I would have tolerated it, as I have these months past, but it would get worse in the coming months, once they realized...and I will not lose another baby.’
She pressed a hand to her belly as another collective gasp whistled around the packed room. Her mother staggered backwards, her father catching her with strong hands.
‘You’re with child?’ Christina MacQueen cried.
Mhairi tried not to show her fear at their startled response. It was just as she had anticipated. She took a sharp intake of breath, steeling herself. ‘...If you cannot bear the shame of me coming back here, I understand. I’ll go somewhere new and tell them I am a widow. I know I do not deserve to be happy. But my baby does.’
She stared into the room, her chin held high as she looked for the horror in their eyes. Her mother was openly weeping now. Christina too. Her father’s eyes were red-rimmed, though he could not look at her. At some point, Norman and Jayne and Old Fin had come into the room, and Mhairi caught the look of sympathy in Jayne’s soft brown eyes. She knew what it was to be on the outside.
Mhairi looked at David, who was ashen and stunned that she had confessed every last secret.
For several moments no one stirred.
‘It’d be a scandal,’ Old Fin muttered, shaking his head. ‘It’s bad enough already with some of the rumours flying about us.’
‘Aye,’ Norman sneered, his arms folded across his chest.
‘What rumours? Who?’ Archie MacQueen asked.
But the old man would not be drawn, clamping his thin lips together with a furious look. Murmurs erupted, the veneer of composure breaking down as everyone began to stir from their silence.
Effie spoke up first. ‘I’ll stand by you, Mhairi,’ she said staunchly. She was used to being talked about too.
‘Me too,’ David nodded, but dissenting noises rose up, subsuming them both.
‘A disgrace!’ someone cried from the back.
‘We’d be dishonoured,’ Old Fin muttered again.
‘Oh? And who here can cast the first stone?’ Ma Peg demanded, getting suddenly to her feet and quelling them all into a hush again. ‘Not you, Fin. I’m the only person in here old enough to remember you as a youth – and you were lucky, not good!’
Mhairi startled at the unexpected comment, others too, looking back at the elder with surprise.
‘Aye,’ Mad Annie chimed in. ‘I’ve a long memory too, and I know which wedding dates and birth dates got smudged in the register.’ She gave a narrow-eyed look. ‘For what else was there to do?’
Still there were shakes of heads, but Annie was never one to be denied.
‘And are y’ so short-sighted y’ don’t remember poor Kitty’s fate, dashing herself upon the rocks for fear of the shame? Is that what you want for her?’ She waved towards Mhairi, who well remembered what had happened to Flora’s cousin Kitty. ‘You’d rather see her dead ?’
At the question Rachel rushed forward, throwing her arms around her daughter so fiercely that Mhairi didn’t have time to lift her arms as she was caught in a tight embrace. Was this really happening? Her mother pulled back and looked into her eyes. Mhairi saw no anger there, only sorrow. She had been braced for the slap; she didn’t anticipate the hand upon her belly.
Everyone fell silent.
‘...My baby’s going to have a baby?’ her mother whispered.
Mhairi nodded, feeling her tears run again. ‘Aye, Ma.’
Rachel lifted her hands and clasped Mhairi’s face. ‘...Then we’ll get to do it together this time. You and me, my girl, the way it should be.’