Chapter 36 Cold Open Sketch
Transcript—
Cold Open Sketch, Live Performance,
[An Old West homestead. A farm girl (Lillian) churns butter. John Wayne (Sam) saunters up, bowlegged.]
Farm Girl: Oh, jeepers. Oh, fret and bother. That was the last of it!
John Wayne: What seems to be the trouble, little lady?
Farm Girl: Bandits rode through not an hour ago. Mister, they cleaned out all our food, our money. We’re bound to starve with winter coming on!
John Wayne: Not if I’ve got anything to do with it.
[An old woman (Brooke) in present-day clothes walks up, clutching her handbag.]
Mother-in-Law: What’re you gonna…
[Brooke stares past the scene, teeth clenched tight, silent. Very awkward beat, and then—]
Farm Girl: Oh, golly gosh, and they’ve stolen this poor old woman’s voice as well! That’s what they call them, you know. The Muteifying Banditos.
John Wayne: Muteifying, you say.
Farm Girl: That’s right, mister! Only reason they didn’t steal my voice is because my mama told me never to sing in broad daylight or the Lord might confuse me for an angel and snatch me right up to heaven. But you said you could help?
John Wayne: You bet I can. Not only that, but I’m a’gonna.
Farm Girl: But do you even know how to churn butter?
[Laughter]
Farm Girl: Here, give it a try. There you go, just like that.
[She teaches John Wayne to churn butter, somewhat suggestively.]
Farm Girl: And ma’am, don’t you worry about your voice one bit. I bet it’ll fly right back home like the souls of those baby pigs Pawpaw made me butcher.
John Wayne (churning): Now listen, little lady, this here is women’s work. What I’m a’gonna do is pull together a posse and round up those—
Farm Girl: You want your wife to churn the butter?
John Wayne: My what now?
Farm Girl: Your—
Mother-in-Law (weakly): I’m his mother-in-law.
Farm Girl: Your voice, it flied back like I telled you! And just in time, thank golly, because…
Farm Girl and John Wayne (to audience): It’s time for The Midnight Show!