Chapter 14 #2
The young man’s parents had come in, and Danni had been the one to speak to them, along with Meg, one of the other doctors, and it had clearly taken it out of them both.
Esther’s heart hurt looking at the two of them, but it was Danni she was most worried about.
She and Danni weren’t just best friends, they really were as close as sisters, and had been since long before Esther and Joe started their relationship.
As an only child, it was a bond that meant the world to her.
So she was determined to lighten her best friend’s burden in any way she could.
‘Come on, I’m taking you two for a drink.’ Danni and Meg’s shift should have ended over an hour ago, and Esther’s was finished now too.
‘As much as a gin and tonic would be welcome right now, I’m in no fit state to have one.’ Danni rolled her eyes, resting a hand on her bump.
‘I didn’t mean that kind of drink. I thought we could go to Shake and Swirl, the new milkshake place in Port Agnes. Apparently, the banana and Toffee Crisp one is out of this world.’
‘I could do with getting out of this world for a bit,’ Meg said, her eyes dulling for a moment, before she seemed to shake it off. ‘A milkshake with a week’s worth of calories sounds ideal right now.’
‘Come on then, get your stuff,’ Esther instructed. ‘I’ll drive us there and it’s my treat too. You’ve both had a tough shift today.’
‘So have you,’ Danni said, putting an arm around her shoulders.
‘I wasn’t the one who had to speak to Oakleigh’s parents.
’ Esther swallowed hard. There were moments like this when it hit home just how much risk came with being a parent.
In her job, she’d seen the overwhelming kind of love that came with parenthood time and time again, but that came with fear, terror and unimaginable heartbreak sometimes too.
Becoming a parent meant putting your heart on the line in a way that couldn’t be compared with anything else.
As much as she wanted that, just occasionally, in moments like this, she wondered if there was a simpler life meant for her.
One where she didn’t risk that kind of overwhelming love, but also didn’t have to risk that kind of overwhelming loss either.
It was clutching at straws though, because she’d choose to take those kinds of risk in a heartbeat if she had the option.
The journey to the milkshake bar was short, the glorious summer weather seeming to encourage people to abandon their cars and head towards the beach on foot, or by bicycle, rather than causing a traffic jam on the road between Port Kara and Port Agnes, as was sometimes the case at this time of year.
The only thing that slowed them down was a group of pony trekkers, clip-clopping along the road between two bridle paths.
The delay was brief, with Esther following the ponies at a crawl for about two hundred metres before the group of trekkers turned into a field and onto a bridle path that led along the clifftop, where they’d be rewarded with stunning views.
It brought to mind a holiday Esther had gone on as a child.
‘I went pony trekking with Mum and Dad in Wales, when I was about eight. It was the stuff little girls’ dreams were made of,’ she said, smiling at the memory, and soon the three of them were chatting about family holidays that had stayed with them.
It offered some light relief from the lingering cloud of the shift they’d just experienced, but it also reminded Esther just how different Danni and Joe’s childhood had been from her own.
‘We had some great holidays when Dad was still alive, but they were almost all in Port Kara, which must make it sound really boring to you two, given that we all live in the area.’ Danni shrugged her shoulders.
‘But it was why I was so drawn to come back here. I love the whole area around Port Kara and Port Agnes so much, because it feels like Dad is still here somewhere. Part of me wants to take my children everywhere I can, to show them the world, but in truth I don’t mind where we go, as long as we’re all together. ’
Esther tried to keep her face neutral, but she clearly hadn’t pulled it off, because Danni immediately attempted to backtrack from her words, in a way that somehow only made things worse.
‘Of course, there are so many places you can’t take kids to – amazing holidays you can have as a couple to exotic destinations – which will be completely off the cards for us. ’
Esther murmured her agreement, quickly changing the subject again, and talking about how many new restaurants had opened in the area over the past few years.
Meg filled them in on a date she’d recently been on, at one of the new places in Port Kara.
According to Meg, her date’s aftershave had been so liberally applied that even other diners had complained they couldn’t taste their food.
‘When someone is wearing so much Tom Ford that it overpowers the moules marinière three tables away, you know you’re in trouble.
’ The light relief they all needed returned then, continuing as Esther parked the car a short walk from Shake and Swirl and ordered their drinks.
Now they were sitting enjoying milkshakes so big that Esther could only just see over the top of them.
‘So, I take it there’ll be no follow-up date with Mr Aftershave then?’ Esther asked, swirling the straw around in the top of her milkshake, trying to clear a path through the mountain of whipped cream resting on top.
‘No. He was nice enough, but I’ve decided that trying to make something happen with online dating isn’t for me.
I don’t know if I even want to date, or if I’m really ready to.
’ Meg hesitated for a moment, pressing her lips together before continuing.
‘There was someone before I came to St Piran’s.
It was complicated and, you know what it’s like when you’re young…
all passion and drama, and the kind of ups and downs that are terrifying and exciting all at the same time.
It was passionate, we argued a lot, but we made up a lot too, if you know what I mean. ’
Meg allowed herself a small smile, even as her eyes seemed to blur with tears.
‘Eddie took me out one day, to try and make up for our latest row, and we took his little brother out with us, because he hadn’t been well and needed a bit of cheering up.
Eddie was playing the joker, trying to make both of us laugh and playing a silly game with his brother when he should have been concentrating on driving. There was an accident and…’
Meg couldn’t seem to finish the sentence, and Esther wanted her to know she didn’t have to. ‘It’s okay, you don’t need to tell us anything else if you’d rather not.’
‘Thank you, but I feel like I need to, today of all days.’ Meg took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment, before continuing the story.
‘Eddie didn’t make it. His little brother was okay, thank God, but he couldn’t remember anything that happened in the moments before the accident.
I saw it all, but I didn’t want to tell anyone, because I didn’t want Bailey to remember.
He was just joining in with the silly game, that was all.
He was only eight and he didn’t think about the consequences of leaning forward in his seat and putting his hands over his brother’s eyes.
Eddie shouted at Bailey and he took his hands straight off, but that split second was enough… ’
She broke off again, a tear sliding down her face, and Esther pushed her unused napkin towards Meg, wishing she knew what to say to really help, but it was Danni who spoke first.
‘I’m so sorry, Meg. I can’t imagine how hard that was.’ She hugged Meg towards her for a moment and Esther finally found her voice.
‘What you did for Eddie’s little brother was so kind. Living with the knowledge of what happened would have made losing his brother even harder for Bailey, but it must have been incredibly tough for you to carry that on your own.’
‘It changed me in so many ways.’ Meg nodded, as she pulled away from Danni.
‘It’s made me hypervigilant to everything and sometimes I can picture accidents like they’re waiting to happen, as if I’m watching a film with a scene that flashes forward.
I just don’t feel like the person I was before the crash.
The weight of carrying the secret when Eddie’s parents were desperate for answers was so heavy, but I couldn’t give them the answers they needed without putting Bailey at risk of carrying an even heavier burden.
I think Eddie’s parents assumed we’d had another one of our rows and that’s what made him lose concentration.
They needed a reason, and someone to blame, and I didn’t feel like I had any choice other than to let that be it.
It’s why I came to St Piran’s; I just really needed a new start.
Most of the time it works, but sometimes there’ll be a patient who brings it all back.
Seeing Oakleigh’s parents today was one of those days.
Their faces reminded me so much of Eddie’s parents.
I could see how desperate they were for answers about what had happened to Oakleigh, and it took me right back there.
That’s why I needed to talk to someone today. Thank you both for letting me.’
‘Oh my God, any time.’ Esther grasped Meg’s hand.
‘We have to be able to talk to each other in this job. The things we see can hit home in an incredibly hard way, especially when they bring back our own experiences, and no one can be expected to separate those things out. We’re here whenever you need us. ’
‘We really are,’ Danni added, hugging Meg for a second time.
‘Thank you both so much.’ Meg’s shoulders seemed to slump with relief as she pulled away. Unburdening herself had clearly been cathartic and it was another reminder of just how damaging secrets could be.