Chapter 18 #2
‘Of course.’ Joe’s tone was warm and gentle. ‘I can’t imagine how hard all of this has been for you, but you couldn’t have picked someone better to lend you support. I think maybe we should all go inside, though, because Esther needs to be a part of this.’
He paused for a moment then, still seeming unsure what to do before briefly touching Hope’s arm.
‘I’m so glad it’s you, I really am.’ The words may have been simple, but they beat any hug he could have given her hands down.
In that brief sentence he’d made her feel far more valued and at ease than any over-the-top show of affection could ever have done. ‘Come on through to the kitchen.’
Esther’s mouth fell open for a moment as she spotted them and she gripped the side of the large scrubbed-pine kitchen table, her words coming out in a voice that didn’t sound like it belonged to her.
‘I can’t believe it’s you.’ She continued to stare for a moment, before visibly shaking herself and seeming to regain at least some of her composure.
Esther’s words had more or less echoed those of her husband, but unlike him, she didn’t seem ready to follow them up with anything else.
She looked the way Hope felt – like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
‘I’m sorry this is all such a shock. I never meant for anyone to find out this way.
’ Hope wasn’t sure she’d ever felt quite this awkward before and she’d had plenty of uncomfortable moments in her life.
‘I don’t know exactly how much Danni has explained about what happened, but for a long time I had no plans to track down my biological parents.
It was only when I needed to know more about my medical history that I got in touch with Laura and she told me about Joe.
I thought it might be good for us to meet, even if it was just once, but I wasn’t sure it was the right thing for you guys, especially when I discovered you’d been trying for a baby.
That’s why I kept quiet, trying to work out what was for the best. I still hadn’t made up my mind when Danni overheard me talking about it. I’m so sorry it came out like that.’
‘None of this is your fault,’ Joe reassured her.
‘Of course not,’ Esther agreed, finally finding her voice again, but her smile looked unnatural, stretched across her face in a weird painted-on kind of way, like The Joker.
This moment was always going to be uncomfortable – this wasn’t a scene from a feel-good movie where everything just fell into place.
Hope had to accept that and not expect too much from any of them, including herself.
Slowly, slowly, one step at a time, that was the best they could hope for.
‘Please, sit down. Can I get you both a drink?’ Joe asked as he gestured towards the wooden chairs, pulling one of them out for Hope.
‘I’d love a tea, please.’ She wanted it more for something to do with her hands than anything else. They felt twitchy and restless at her side, like birds that might take flight at any moment.
‘Me too, please, Joe,’ Louie said and Joe nodded.
‘I know how you take it, Louie, with only the smallest dash of milk and two sugars, but it’s just one of the things I’ll have to learn about you, Hope.’
‘I take milk too, please, but I don’t like it all that strong. No builder’s tea for me and I don’t take sugar, thank you.’
‘You take yours the same way as I take mine. That’s already something we’ve got in common.’ Joe’s words were innocuous, something he might just as easily have said to a new colleague or even a patient to put them at their ease, but Esther suddenly made a strange, strangled sound.
‘I—’ Her mouth half opened again, and she gulped at the air like a fish out of water.
‘What’s wrong, angel?’ Joe immediately moved towards her, but she held her hands up.
‘I’m sorry, I thought I could do this, but I can’t.
Not yet. I’m not ready.’ Esther’s words echoed how Hope had felt, when she’d been standing outside the door, wishing she could just turn and run back down the path.
In that moment, she felt as though she understood the other woman utterly and completely.
‘It’s okay, darling.’ Joe’s voice was soft and for a moment he looked as though he was going to say something else, but Hope cut across him before he got the chance.
‘We don’t have to do this now. It’s fine, Louie and I can go.’
‘No!’ Esther’s single-word response was emphatic, and she shook her head vigorously from side to side to emphasise it even further.
‘I want you to talk to Joe. I just need a bit more time to process everything. I never in a million years expected it to be you who turned up on the doorstep, but it’s not because of that, it’s the fact that Joe has a child at all.
I just can’t seem to get my head around it.
I think it would better for the two of you to have the chance to talk things through without having to worry about me. I can join in next time.’
Esther’s voice had gone high and falsely bright, but Hope could tell she wasn’t going to be dissuaded, and it wasn’t her place to try. Joe, on the other hand, clearly thought he could.
‘Why don’t we all do this another time? Hope’s already said she doesn’t mind.’ He tried to reach out for his wife again, but she flinched away from his touch.
‘No, please, Joe. You’re just making things harder. I’m going to go for a walk down into the village, I’ll be half an hour or so. That’ll give you time for a cup of tea and a chat.’ Esther was already walking away. ‘I’ll see you all later.’
The door that led out into the garden clicked shut behind her. It wasn’t a slamming sound, not a dramatic exclamation mark, more like a quiet full stop that somehow spelled things out all the more clearly as a result.