Chapter 11
Am I really stupid?
Holly
Islog through the thick snow. Again. The letter burning a hole in my pocket.
Everything feels wrong. And I can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing something—anything—else to find the children.
The temperature has risen slightly, and the snow is soft, giving way under my feet as we trudge toward Silvergate. Josh is racing up ahead. That…thing clinging to his shoulder.
I tried to throw the letter into the fire but couldn’t make myself do it. Is it really from my mother? And is it true? I’m leaning toward yes, despite that my whole mind screams no. But it’s that catch-22 thing again.
At least Zayne will be happy to know he was right. It appears I’m under a compulsion spell.
I peer sideways at his tall figure striding along beside me. He turns as if sensing my gaze and raises an eyebrow.
I scowl. “I suppose you want to talk some more?” I snap. I know he wants to ask about the letter.
He grins. “Actually, I was thinking about that blow job you offered me yesterday.”
My cheeks flame as I remember the moment. I was totally brazen. “I so did not.”
“Did so. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. And I can’t believe I turned you down.” He leans closer. “Ask me again, princess. Say you’ll go down on your knees for me. I won’t say no this time.”
An image fills my mind. Me, on my knees…My nipples peak and that place between my thighs tingles. My mouth goes dry, and I clear my throat. “Hah. In your dreams.”
“Every night.” His expression turns serious. “Are you regretting yesterday?”
I sniff and give him my best princess expression. “Hell no. It took my mind off this crap for at least five minutes.”
“Ten,” he says. “And I promise next time we’ll take it slow.”
Part of me wants that so much. The rest of me wants to run back to London. Back to my ordinary life away from magic and the monsters. “I don’t think there will be a next time,” I say. “Not for us. There’s too much between us.”
He looks at me and shrugs. “We’ll see. Let’s get the children back first.”
I take a deep breath and then the words spill out of me. “What if we don’t get them back?” I can feel my panic rising again. “What if we’re totally heading down the wrong track and they’ve been taken by people traffickers and—”
“Breathe, Holly. It will be okay.”
“We’re running out of time. I mean, if there is anything in these stories, then we only have a few more hours.”
“We’ll find them. We have to.” For the first time, I see a crack in his certainty. “I can’t let Tansy down again. I have to find her.”
I can hear the fear in his voice. And that makes me feel…protective. I failed Zayne last time. I let him down in the worst possible way. I doubted him. I won’t let him down again. I’ll pretend to be strong. I slip my hand into his and squeeze. “You’ll find them.”
Though I don’t see how. I look ahead to where Josh is deep in conversation with the thing on his shoulder. I tug on Zayne’s arm and pull him closer. “What is that…thing?” I whisper.
Zayne snorts. “Don’t let Grimlet hear you call him a thing. He’ll get offended,” he shouts out. “Hey, Grim, can you come here a moment?”
The thing looks up, then flaps its wings and flies toward us, landing on Zayne’s shoulder and curling its tail around his neck. “You two haven’t been properly introduced,” Zayne says. “Grimlet, this is Holly. Holly, this is Grimlet.”
“But what is it?” I ask.
It hisses.
“He is a gargoyle,” Zayne says, then turns and whispers something.
It looks at me with narrowed eyes, then says, “Grimlet will forgive her.” He sniffs. “If only because she has been spelled to be stupid. It’s not her fault.”
I sort of feel I should be offended.
“Does stupid witch have chocolate?” Grimlet asks.
Actually, I do. I pull a truffle out of my pocket.
Grimlet hops the short distance between me and Zayne, landing on my shoulder.
I hold back the scream—I’m very proud of myself—then carefully hand him the chocolate.
He unwraps it, gives me back the wrapper, and pushes it into his mouth.
A smile of pure bliss crosses his little face. “He’s sort of cute,” I say.
A low growl rumbles from my shoulder, then he takes off, hitting me in the face with a wing and then a tail. “Ouch.”
Zayne laughs. “I think you offended him.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t actually know the proper etiquette for conversing with gargoyles.”
We’re coming up on Silvergate now, and my steps slow.
I pull my hand free and pause at the edge of the clearing.
I hate this place. It always feels like something or someone is watching me.
I wrap my arms around my middle as Zayne walks across to Josh, and they talk together.
Josh is wandering around the clearing, nose in the air, almost as though he’s sniffing.
At one point, he turns to look at me, and I swear there’s a strange silver light in his eye, like a piece of starlight is trapped inside.
I don’t know what they hope to find here. There’s just snow and more snow, and…I can feel the panic rising again. I need to blow into a paper bag or something. Except I don’t have one. I concentrate on Zayne and Josh to pull myself out of my downward spiral.
They’ve stopped in one spot and are staring at…
nothing I can see, just more snow. Zayne says something, then something else.
I can’t hear the words. But it’s like he’s talking to the snow.
Nothing happens, and he runs his hand through his hair.
Josh tries. And guess what—still nothing happens.
Josh says something to Zayne. His eyes widen and they both turn to look at me. What now?
“Holly!” Zayne calls out. “Can you come over here?”
I walk slowly over to where he’s standing beside Josh, kicking up the snow with each step. The place is so quiet, the hush of birds gone silent, but as I get closer, I hear a faint ringing under the air. It seeps beneath my skin. Prickles race down my spine.
As I come to a halt, they look at each other, then Josh closes his eyes. A few seconds later, he blinks them open and nods. “The mirror sings to her,” he says. “Like they sang to Amber.”
“What?” I frown. My headache is pressing against my skull, and I want out of this place.
“Josh thinks you’re a mirror mage,” Zayne says.
“Why would he think that?” I stare at Josh accusingly. “Of course I’m not a mirror mage. You said they were all dead. How could I be?” My eyes narrow. “Clearly, you need a mirror mage, and so you’re seeing them everywhere.” They just stare at me.
“Stupid witch.”
At the muttered words, I glance down. Grimlet is at my feet, looking up at me disdainfully. That’s the last chocolate he gets from me.
I rub my hands across my face, pressing one finger between my eyes where the pressure is building.
Even thinking about magic gives me a headache.
I’m really hoping I can somehow make this whole thing disappear.
I don’t know what to do or say. I know what they want from me.
They want me to say, yes, I’m a goddamn mirror mage, and I’m going to whistle up a spell and open their stupid mirror and save everyone.
Except I don’t know how.
It doesn’t matter if I am or not.
I have no clue how any of this works.
I want to save the children. Of course I do. But there’s this thing in my head, getting louder and louder and screaming: it’s not real. Until I feel like it will split me open.
Zayne reaches out a hand to me, but I step back, and a look of exasperation crosses his face. “Look, I get it,” he says. “You don’t believe in magic. But you have to see that we need you to believe and fucking fast, because we’re almost out of time. Tansy is out of time.”
I don’t want to let him down again. But the pain is getting worse, until I want to tear my hair out. Then a hand touches me, and the pain is suddenly gone. I look down to see Josh’s little hand on my arm.
“How…?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know.”
I swallow. “Thank you.” I take a deep breath. “I want to help. But I don’t know how.”
“You believe us?” Zayne asks with a frown.
I nod. “You’re not the first person to call me a witch today.”
He frowns, then his expression clears. “The letter from your mother.”
“She said I was a witch. But that I wasn’t safe in my homeland.
That a bad person was taking all the witches like me and stealing their magic.
She’d done a spell, so that my magic was hidden and added a compulsion so I would never be interested in anything to do with magic. Then she’d brought me here.”
“Wow. I don’t suppose she told you how to break the compulsion? We could use a witch right now.”
A sense of…uselessness fills me. I snort.
“I’m glad you’re impressed. But no, I don’t know how to break the compulsion.
And she also said that if I ever do magic, then the bad person will find me.
” I shake my head. “So, you see it doesn’t matter what I am.
I’m no use to you. The children will die, and it will be my fault. ”
I turn to go. I hate this place. Then I turn back and glare at the three of them. “And I still don’t believe in fucking magic!” I yell as if shouting it loud enough might make it true.
But the snow swallows my words.
And the hum beneath my skin only grows.