Chapter Fifteen #3
That pushed him to his feet. He glared at her.
“I’ve never treated you badly. You had my trust, my respect and my affection from the moment you arrived here.
I wasn’t the one to initiate our physical relationship.
I would never have done that because I didn’t want to put you into a difficult situation. ”
The fight crumpled right out of her. She sagged against the door frame and closed her eyes. “You’re right, of course. I know that. You were decent to me. But you also used me to make yourself feel better. I’ve been a project to ease your guilt.”
He shouldn’t be surprised that she put the pieces together, but he was still embarrassed that she knew.
“Cathy, I—”
She cut him off with a shake of her head.
“You wanted to fix me and you did,” she said as she looked at him.
“Thank you for all your good intentions. Perhaps they should have been enough, but they weren’t.
You’re trying to fix the past, but that isn’t the problem, is it?
The real issue is that you’re terrified of loving anyone.
You loved Evelyn and you believe that love destroyed her.
So you promised to never let that happen again.
Unfortunately, not loving again is a pretty lousy goal in life. ”
It was as if she could see to the scarred blackness that was his soul.
“You didn’t destroy Evelyn,” Cathy said.
“I wish I could convince you of that, but I can’t.
You were wrong to marry her after you figured out you couldn’t love her the way a man is supposed to love his wife.
But she was wrong, too. She was wrong to keep you and try to make you feel guilty enough to love her.
As you learned, you can’t have romantic love on command. ”
She took a step toward him, then paused.
“I know,” she said softly, “because I’ve loved you for months and I’ve been hoping you would come to love me.
” She shrugged. “You haven’t. There’s nothing I can do about it now.
It’s not your fault or mine. It just happened.
The thing is, loving you and knowing you’ll never love me back makes it impossible for me to stay.
“I grew up taking care of my mother. I lost my hopes and my dreams. Well, thanks to you, I finally have them back. I’m not willing to lose them again. So I have to go and make them happen. I’d thought we might do that together, but I can be just as successful on my own.”
She spoke so easily, he thought in disbelief. He could barely remain on his feet, but she looked fine. As if this was of no consequence to her.
She loved him. He supposed he’d known that for some time, even if he hadn’t wanted to see it. She’d woven herself into his life and now she was leaving. How was he going to survive?
“Cathy, don’t,” he said. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Yes, it does,” she told him. “You want to live with your pain and your scars. You’re very comfortable here—hiding away like a wounded animal.
I knew the risks I was taking when I fell in love with you.
I knew there was a very good chance that you would never return my affection.
But I did it anyway. I took the chance. It was probably the first brave act of my life and it felt good. ”
She straightened. “It hurts now. It hurts to breathe and talk and to be standing here in front of you acting as if I’m not bleeding to death on the inside. But I’m doing it I’m risking it and I’m going to survive. I’m willing to take the chance and you’re not.”
“I’ve taken chances,” he said in a feeble effort to defend himself. Everything she said was the truth…about them both. She was brave, and he was simply a coward.
“I’m not talking about business,” she told him. “I’m talking about your personal life. You hide away and you refuse to take responsibility for your feelings or what you do to others. It’s not just that you won’t let yourself love anyone—it’s that you won’t let yourself love yourself.”
Her words made him flinch. “I take responsibility for what I did to you. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Yeah, well, you did.” She looked around the room. “I’ll miss this place. It was a very nice fantasy.” She turned her attention back to him. “I’ll call Ula in the morning and have her pack up my things. I’ll come back and get them later, if that’s all right with you.”
He took a step toward her. She couldn’t be leaving. Not like this. Not without giving him another chance. “Don’t go. We can still make this work.”
“No, we can’t. Besides, it would hurt too much to be with you every day and know that you didn’t love me. I need a clean break.”
“What will you do? Where will you go?”
Her gaze was level. “That’s not your concern. You have done what you set out to do. You fixed my life. Congratulations.”
He winced. “Cathy, don’t leave like this. Let me at least write you a check. You’ll need money to tide you over. Maybe you can start a business or something. I would be happy to finance anything you want.”
Her gaze turned icy, and he saw something he’d never expected to see in her eyes. At that moment she hated him.
“If you think any of this is about money,” she said curtly, “then you never knew me at all.”