CHAPTER 45 You are Gold
CHAPTER 45
You are Gold
N aruka had been beaten, rung out, and left to dry in the days after Christmas, and was now as hungover as the rest of us.
I cradled my forehead, an elbow propped on the desk in the low-lit lounge, and struggled to focus on my notes.
“James insisted I bring the milk,” Bryn said, setting a platter of tea on the desk. “Though I told him you would not take any.”
“Oh, sorry. Here.” I ushered my papers aside, knocking over pencils, maps, and my empty cup.
“Have you made any progress?” he asked once there was room to flip over two cups.
“Maybe,” I replied as Bryn hovered over me, eyes dark under his brow, the faintest beard showing from the holidays. A white collar poked above a rust-colored sweater, and he’d rolled up its sleeves to reveal smooth, tattooed skin.
I forced my gaze back to the journal. “There’s something I don’t get about Levi. Why did he go around James to show Lana the Gate?”
“Perhaps for the same reason he went to L’Ardoise.” Blond silk brushed the bridge of Bryn’s nose when he lifted the pot, poured my tea. “Eat something, Rowan.”
I propped my chin on my fist. “Well, from the records, she had a terrible first trip to the Gate.”
“Some do. It can be traumatic, as you yourself learned.”
“Yeah, but maybe he did it on purpose.”
“What for?”
“To scare her? To get her to leave Naruka, just like she did?”
“But to what end?”
I blew out a breath. “Well, she was never targeted by the Inquitate. In fact, no one was who didn’t plan to return to Naruka. Because all those killed abroad had plans to make the Fall.”
Bryn carefully sliced the bread. “So you believe Levi may have attempted to save her? By scaring her away from Naruka?”
“Maybe that’s what he was doing in L’Ardoise too.”
Bryn’s forehead furrowed. “It is highly unusual. And those who respect Naruka do not disobey James, do not work behind his back.” He wiped the fork on a napkin. “Eat,” Bryn ordered.
I stared, cross-eyed, at the perfectly assembled bread, cheese, and sliced grape he held to my lips.
How could he go from the man in the music room—panting, grinding his hips into me, growling at my throat—to this ? I’d rather eat him than the bread.
Bryn arched a cherubic brow into hair still damp from his shower. Waited. He didn’t need to speak, even in my head, for me to know he’d heard every burning thought I’d just had.
I swiped the cheese from him, stuffed it into my mouth . There. That’s what you get for listening in.
His lips twitched as he planted his hands on the desk, leaned in. Do you prefer me how I was in the music room?
I looped a finger in his collar, pulled him forward. Guess.
His answering smile, wide and crooked, was a heart-stopping punch—and that was before his irises flashed to hot gold.
Lust curled my toes into the plush rug. Maybe we could sneak off now, find somewhere to—
“In the spirit of our seventies night theme,” Kazie decreed, bounding in with an armful of clothes. A breadcrumb trail of shirts and a miserable-looking James followed. With a huff of breath, Bryn pulled away. “I’ve decided to liberate all of you from your dour attire. It’s time to choose your New Year’s outfit if you dare!”
Please don’t let mine be the color of cranberry sauce and ending in knee-high sparkly socks.
I am not altogether opposed to the socks, should they be on you.
James sank into his rocker. “I don’t dare.”
That I could be believe—with his layers of sweaters and massive glasses, he looked like a well-fed owl.
I said to Bryn, “You chose seventies music?”
He limped to the sofa, stretched his legs over the armrest, and picked up the book he’d been reading earlier. The tea he’d been drinking sat on a coaster beside a vase of heady roses. “Yes, Rowan, you might say I was inspired after hearing you sing, though apparently Kazie does not favor your vocal renditions as much as myself.”
She tossed a heap of clothes on him. “Bryn, you’ve got it bad if you think Roe’s at all a good singer.”
When he lowered the novel a fraction, twin blue eyes smoldered brighter than the hearth. “Indeed.”
I draped an arm over the back of the chair, eyed the book that I recognized as the one I’d gotten Kazie for Christmas. “Looking for pointers?” I teased.
He turned a page with mock slowness. “I thought to familiarize myself with the basics, as it has been a while. However, I admit I simply do not recall fins being so popular.” His mouth quirked up on an angle. “Do you have an opinion on the matter, my Rowan?”
Just how long had it been for him here? And who was the woman? Likely a porcelain-skinned, platinum-haired Norwegian—
Kazie smacked him lightly. “Stop winding Roe up.”
He grinned, rubbing his hair, which only made the moonlit locks more attractive.
“I’m apparently more of a feathers woman,” I said dryly.
His eyes twinkled. “How fortunate I find myself.”
James heaved a massive sigh before removing his glasses and folding his book. “Ye two. I’m not at all sure I wouldn’t rather ye go back to pretending ye didn’t know each other in the Gate.”
Though his tone was mild, the aim was true, and I guiltily looked away from Bryn.
“Here we are!” Kazie shouted, digging through the bundle of clothes she’d dropped on Bryn’s lap. “I’ve got a cowboy vest or rainbow shirt or a…” He grunted as she punched into the pile. “Leprechaun blouse.”
As I eyed up my choices of New Year’s attire, Tye clomped down the staircase. An unlit cigarette teetered between his lips, and the thick metal zippers of his leather jacket jingled with each step.
“Heading out?” I asked.
He adjusted his ball cap. “For a bit. Game’s on.”
“Football?”
“Baseball.” He strode toward the main doors as I frowned after him. Baseball? At this time of day?
“Wait, Tye,” Kazie called, tossing the cowboy’s vest at the hallway. “This’ll be perfect.”
He paused as the tassels of brown suede fluttered to his feet, then bent, picked up the leather, and turned with it bunched in a fist. “Ya know what?” His jaw twitched. “Ya’ll can leave me out of your little send-off,” he said, and tossed the vest at Kaz.
Send-off? But when I glanced at James, his brows were bunched in as much confusion as mine. “What are ye on about?” he demanded.
Tye jutted his chin at Kaz. “Ask her.”
In the middle of the room, Kazie’s jeweled eyes narrowed like a cat assessing a crow that kept outwitting it. “How’d you find out?” she asked, voice utterly flat, holding none of its earlier joy.
Find out what ? But I caught Bryn tense on the couch, the veins in his arms flexing.
Tye clunked a lazy rhythm around the pool table, its low lighting throwing a green glow up to his jaw. When he stopped behind Kazie, she only lifted her delicate chin.
Setting his novel down, Bryn limped toward me.
Tye spoke in her ear, loud enough for us to hear but only a degree above a whisper. “Ya think I didn’t notice that look in your eye after the Gate?” He bunched his fist on the top of the couch. “Why, I could see the excitement pourin’ off ya.”
What happened after the Gate? I asked again.
Silence.
James drew himself out of the rocker. “Tye, ye step away from her now.”
Ignoring everyone, Kazie casually glided around the couch, picking up clothes and layering them over one arm. “You’re right, Tye,” she admitted. “So like, it might be that I didn’t tell you all something. Only because I knew you’d freak out, and it is Christmas. Or was.” She tossed a shirt at James as I stared, dumbfounded. “And James, I didn’t tell you right away because I worried how you’d handle it right now. I want to celebrate. I don’t want this to be a bad thing. You know?”
Celebrate what ?
James sank into the chair just as Bryn said hollowly, “You have heard the call.”
What call? Who called her?
Bryn, what’s going on?
It was quiet on the other end before an image flashed of a man walking through the trail I recognized so well, surrounded by James, a woman in a velvet cape, and…Carmen?
And I understood.
Yes, Rowan. But even in my mind, his words were far away, exhausted, weary. Kazie’s memories will be coming to a rapid end, and so, too, will Kazie should she make the Fall.
“The Fall might be a few weeks away. I’ve got time for a final party,” she said, slipping a sparkly shirt over her shoulders and testing the size. “So you were right about that, Tye.”
Curling his lip, he kicked at the clothes she’d left for him. “Ya wanna throw your life away, Kaz? Fine.” He jabbed a finger at her. “But don’t for one goddamn second think I’m gonna go to your end-of-life party like it’s a rodeo.”
“It definitely won’t be a rodeo, but you don’t need to do anything,” Kazie retorted like she was talking to a child instead of a foaming bulldog. “I made this decision a while ago, and I know what kind of dream I’m chasing.”
So that’s what this New Year’s thing was about, a weird funeral for floating away to Ruhaven and—
Bang.
Tye slapped the pool table with an open fist. The three ball quivered, then rolled quietly into the pocket where it clinked with the others. “Ya don’t know a goddamn thing ‘bout what there is after. Ya know why? ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’ .” Tye batted the words over the couch. “James, are ya really gonna stand by and let Kaz do this?”
“‘Tis not my choice, Tye,” James said from where he stood by the fireplace.
And he’d make the same choice if Essie were here.
Tye seethed. “Kaz, ya wanna watch a memory, live in dreamland, fine. But now ya hear a little tune,” he swirled a finger around his ear, “and ya wanna head on up to the Gate, lie down, and die? That’s what we’re talkin’ ‘bout here—” He rolled over James’s protests, face red, eyes dark. “No, no, you wanna make everythin’ pretty. The Fall? It’s real and it’s ugly. You’re gonna die, Kaz. It may be I’m the only goddamn one who’ll tell ya the truth on that.”
Was that what it was? Death? Or rebirth?
Bryn’s hand found mine, squeezed.
James squinted at Tye. “I don’t want Kazie to leave any more than yerself. But if she feckin’ wants to return, ‘tis no business of yers to say otherwise.”
But if James was right, she wouldn’t be anyone when she returned. Not even a figment of that life would remember a girl with frizzy hair and terrible outfits. Wouldn’t be thankful for her sacrifice.
Tye anchored his fingers on the top of the couch. “‘ No business to say otherwise ,’” he hurled the words back to James. “I bring Roe here, teach her ‘bout the Gate, and you’re gonna tell me it ain’t my business?”
“Tye, don’t throw me into this,” I warned as Bryn tried to tug me behind him, but I stepped in front of him instead.
James sagged like a sack of potatoes. “Tye, ye’ve taken this so personal like.”
Tye exploded. “Personal! You’re goddamn right it’s personal. Must be nice to all have your romp in Ruhaven together. Ya don’t bother askin’ where I am anymore. Haven’t in a long time. I just watch each of ya carry on, laughin’ together, talkin’. Meanwhile, I’m by myself, figuring things out. Then y’all decide you’ll lie down and die like a bunch of dogs. Well, I ain’t gonna fuckin’ stand for it anymore!”
I recoiled at the outburst.
“Ye never wanted to talk about the Gate!” James challenged, pacing around the chair, journals scattering. “Sure, if I’d known, I’d hear everything. What’s this about?”
What was this about? James was right—Tye never talked about the Gate. And now he was lonely?
Kazie stood her ground, and though James tried to help, she didn’t need it. Raising her voice over both of them, she said, “James, you’ve got nothing to feel bad about, and Tye, you don’t know a freaking thing about my life or what I’ve been through.”
Here? Or in the Gate?
Here.
Tye loosened his jaw in a conscious effort to relax. “Kaz, ya might not’ve grown up with a lot, but this—”
“Nothing!” She cut him off at the knees, and though her curly hair wouldn’t have come above his chest, her voice carried. “I’ve had nothing, I’ve been nothing. I’ve watched my friends work hard, meaningless jobs just so that other people can live their lives. People like you, Tye. So you can have things that don’t mean anything.”
When she stepped around the couch, Tye backed up. “Kaz, I ain’t tryin’ to tell ya how to live, I—”
“No, that’s exactly what you’re trying to do,” she said flatly. “You know why you can’t understand? Can’t figure out why I’d choose the chance at Ruhaven over this ?” She scanned him from head to toe before her glossy lips twisted in mocking disappointment. “Because you never wanted anything you couldn’t buy.”
It might have been the first time I’d ever seen Tye blush.
Bryn stepped in the middle of everyone, gestured for James to sit, Tye to calm down, me to wait. “Kazie,” he said firmly, “let us speak about this.”
“No, Bryn,” she said as he limped to her. “I’ve made up my mind.”
But he took her hand, gestured up the stairs. “That may be, but you shall hear me out at least.”
She sucked in her bottom lip, looking between Bryn and James. And I knew exactly how it felt to try to argue with Bryn, to resist when he used that voice.
After a moment, Kazie shrugged her Tinkerbell shoulders. “Fine. For you, Bryn.”
Bryn turned to James. “James?”
He rubbed his eyebrows. “Yera. ‘Tis been too long since anyone last made the Fall. I’ve a list of things to go over, I…” He looked around, as if this checklist of before-the-Fall items would emerge. Then shook his head. “Let’s talk, aye, let’s talk first.”
Rowan ?
I need to talk to Tye, I said .
I do not think that is—
I’m not asking you.
Bryn’s eyebrows drew together, but when Kazie tugged his hand, he seemed to let it go, let me go.
As they ascended, James’s voice carried down the stairs, arguing with Kazie, but he wasn’t against it. None of them were.
In a way, this was the conclusion of it all—the reason we were in that Ledger , the reason we were allowed to watch the memories.
When they disappeared upstairs, I rounded on Tye. “What is going on with you? First, you visit Carmen without telling me, then you’re threatening to break Bryn’s leg, and now you’re losing it on Kazie.”
“ Me ?” He shoved away from the couch. It clanged back and forth as he shook his head in the same motion. “You need a break if ya think I’m the crazy one here. She’s gonna kill herself, Roe, and I ain’t gonna stay ‘round for this no more.”
“Kill herself? Is that how you see it?”
“That’s how it is. She’s gonna walk to the Gate and let it steal her soul, her body, exchange it for some future Ruhaven who ain’t gonna remember her. What the hell else would ya call that?”
“But we’re reborn.”
“ As someone else! ” he roared, and shoved his finger at the stairs. “You think who she’s reborn as is gonna remember her? They ain’t, and her sacrifice is gonna mean shit. You’re as good as dead, Roe, if ya make the Fall.”
“If that’s what you believe, then why’d you bring me here?”
He inhaled, swallowing enough air to launch into the next tirade, then blew it out in a low oath and propped a hip on the pool table. Behind him, the table’s lights cast a warm backdrop, a theatre’s lighting before the show. “Maybe because I thought ya deserved more, but now I see Stornoway’s got ya not knowin’ up from down anymore, and one day, he’s gonna talk you into makin’ that Fall too. Ya ever think about that?”
I stopped midway reaching for the book Bryn had been reading. “What?”
Tye lifted his crystal glass of whiskey, saluted. “Don’t you remember me tellin’ ya how he almost died for Nereida?”
Dread and a kind of irrational fear filled my belly. “Yes. Yes, of course I do.”
“Well, don’t ya ever wonder why?”
I sunk into the couch, still warm from where Bryn had been reading. “What are you getting at?”
He set down the whiskey, came around the couch. “Girl, I wanted to protect ya from all this from the beginning. Why do ya think I didn’t want Stornoway comin’ back? It’s true I don’t like the look of him, sours my teeth to think what he’d throw away, but I did it for you. I knew he’d try to convince ya to make that Fall one day, and that day might be comin’ a little sooner now.”
I rubbed my temples. “Tye, Bryn doesn’t want me to make the Fall.”
He cocked his head, looking at me like a farmer considering which runt to put down—a mix of vague sympathy and resignation. “Damn, Roe, you’re gonna break my little heart. But I guess we all like the pretty story, and we don’t like the one who’s gotta ruin it. Well, I don’t mind being that guy, ‘cause I tend to think you’re better to kill ‘em with the truth than let ‘em dream with a lie. So I’ll tell ya.”
He ground out the last of his cigarette on the table’s ashtray before settling back. The old couch squeaked indignantly from the added weight, the hole-addled blanket sliding off its back.
“Stornoway didn’t try to kill himself because he thought Willow’s death meant he had lost his chance to be with his mate here ,” Tye began. “He tried to kill himself because he thought he lost the only chance he had to go home to Ruhaven— with Nereida. Back when he thought Willow was you. Don’t ya get it? If he made the Fall without the woman she was here, he’d go back alone, without her. That’s why James didn’t make the Fall, ‘cause he never found Essie.”
I hadn’t thought of it like that. If Bryn wanted to return to Ruhaven, there was only one way to go back with his mate—if I made the Fall. “So if I heard the call,” I said slowly, “I’d need to go to the Gate, let it exchange me for Nereida. Otherwise, she’s only a memory.”
Tye waved a silent finger at me. “Don’t ya even think of lettin’ him talk ya into makin’ that Fall. You don’t owe him nothin’. You’re Roe, always have been, no matter how much ya want to be someone else. Not even Ruhaven can give ya that, as much as I gather you might want it. So who, I wonder, do ya think Stornoway would rather have—you or Nereida?”
Nereida . He’d rather Nereida. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it aloud.
Tye didn’t need me to. He just nodded, almost sadly. “ Now you’re finally listening to me. So you understand when I say you’re the only thing standin’ between Stornoway and Nereida.”
I stared hard at the grandfather clock, the pendulum listing back and forth, back and forth.
“Because he can’t have both,” I said, understanding. “When the memories end, so does Nereida.” The woman he’d tried to die for. “And I’m what’s left.” Unless I made the Fall—for her, for him.
“That’s right, Roe, and he didn’t spend years lookin’ for Nereida’s human body ‘cause he wanted to get married and make some life with ya here. He wanted to trade you, pure and simple. Your soul for Nereida’s rebirth. If you make the Fall, Nereida returns. If you don’t, she dies in the memories. It’s just that simple.”
Because if I didn’t walk up to the Gate when I heard the call, she’d never come back.
“Maybe. I mean, yes, he’d rather Nereida,” I admitted, more for myself than Tye. “But Bryn wouldn’t trick me, he wouldn’t ask me to make the Fall, or force me if that’s what you mean.”
“There’s a lot of ways to convince someone.” Tye stamped out his latest cigarette and stood. “Look, ya wanna play the fool? That’s for you to decide. I said my piece, it’s up to you what ya wanna do with it. I’m only tellin’ ya because I don’t want you to throw your life away like Kazie will. To die for a dream that ain’t even your own.” He ducked and plucked one of the roses from the table’s vase, twirled it thorns and all. “Ya got a blind spot when it comes to Stornoway. Always did.”
I looked up at Tye, caught the hurt behind his eyes before he hid it.