Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
Dexter
I lay my hand, palm up, on the shiny mahogany of the bar.
“I swear, my skin’s about to break I’ve shaken so many hands tonight,” I said, before downing a gulp of whiskey.
As soon as we won, I’d wanted to leave, but Primrose made it clear I was to stick around.
It wasn’t the skin on my hands that truly hurt.
It was the stormy darkness swirling in my gut that I couldn’t drink away.
Hollie should have been here tonight. She should be here now. With me.
“For a guy who just reached the pinnacle of his career, you don’t seem very happy,” Gabriel said.
My driver had taken Primrose and the trophy home and was going to come back for me.
I’d been ready to leave but I didn’t want to go home, so Gabriel and Tristan had brought me to a nearby bar.
My driver would be outside by now but I wasn’t ready to go back to the flat.
Maybe I’d grab a room at a hotel. There was no point in going back to empty room after empty room.
Not until I’d drunk a lot more. There was no one there to go home for. “I just have a sore hand,” I replied.
“Right,” he said, and he glanced over his shoulder. “Tristan never misses an opportunity to get a number, does he?”
“He tries too hard,” I said. It wasn’t true. Tristan didn’t need to try—he just liked the challenge—but I was taking my bad mood out on my friends. I needed to go out for a run or take a shower or do something to clear my head.
“I presume the fact that Hollie isn’t here has something to do with your demeanor,” Gabriel said. “As well as your sore hand.” He didn’t roll his eyes because that wasn’t Gabriel’s style, but he might as well have done.
There was no point in talking about Hollie. She was gone.
I finished my drink and ordered another. “You want one?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “Come on, mate. What happened? You should be happier than a pig in shit.”
“She had some kind of family crisis at home. Left early.”
“Oregon home?” he asked and I nodded. No doubt he had to check because it was so bloody ridiculous that she’d leave London completely.
I should have forced the conversation about her staying in London.
I’d just been busy with the competition and it didn’t occur to me that she’d up and go back to the US with no notice.
I didn’t know who to be angrier with—her for just taking off or myself for not making her stay.
“But she’s coming back, right?”
“On the basis I’ve not had a single message or call since she left for the airport, I’m assuming she’s gone for good.” As I said the words my stomach churned. Could that be true?
I’d heard nothing. And I didn’t believe that bullshit about no news being good news.
“The phone works two ways, you know,” Gabriel said.
“I don’t have a number for her. She was using a company phone here, and she left it. I’ve emailed her sister. What more can I do?”
Gabriel beckoned over the barman and ordered another drink. “Do you want her back?”
“I wanted her here tonight.” I’d assumed we’d have time to figure things out after we’d won the competition.
I’d assumed she wanted to stay. I’d assumed a lot of things.
Things had been good between us and she loved London.
She wouldn’t be going back to Oregon if it had been her choice. She wouldn’t have missed tonight.
But it definitely had been her choice not to call me. Or leave me with her US number.
“It’s hard not to put family first,” Gabriel said. “It’s a natural reaction.”
Hollie’s generosity and thoughtfulness were at the core of who she was, and I didn’t want that to change.
“I just want her to be happy and stop sacrificing herself for people who should be able to look after themselves. I want her to get what she wants out of the world.” She deserved a happy and successful life where she wasn’t just looking after other people. But maybe I was being selfish.
“Sounds like you’re serious about her.”
There was no doubt about that. “Tonight was meant to have been special. I’ve worked so hard to live up to my parents’ reputation, and to have that recognized tonight was all I could have wished for.
You’re right. I should be fucking ecstatic instead of a miserable bastard, drowning my sorrows at the bar.
” I took another sip of my drink. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d be a hell of a lot more miserable if we hadn’t won. ”
Gabriel chuckled. “Yeah, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here if you’d have lost. Or if I was, I’d be wearing body armor.”
“I just wanted her here,” I said. “I wanted to share it with her.” Nothing was right without Hollie.
It was slowly sinking in that she was gone.
Not just for tonight but forever. Faced with the prospect of Hollie not being around, I was being forced to consider what life felt like without her. It was like a fist to my face.
I didn’t want to go home tonight because I didn’t want to be anywhere she wasn’t. A hotel room wasn’t going to be any different. I wanted to wake up next to her every morning and go to sleep, her body tucked into mine, every night. I wanted her in my life every moment of every day.
“Hey,” Gabriel said. “Your parents would have been immensely proud. Your brother was there to celebrate with you and so were we. It’s a fantastic achievement.”
I knew the theory. And of course, it was fantastic my brother had been there tonight.
It was fitting. And I was grateful and so happy to have him back in my life.
Even though we’d not seen each other for so many years, it was as if he’d never been away.
But him being here just made me think of Hollie.
If I hadn’t seen the way she was completely devoted to her sister, I would never have contemplated that David might have a legitimate side of the story.
It was Hollie’s example that made me consider getting in contact with him again.
If she hadn’t come into my life, tonight would have been even more of an empty experience than it was turning out to be.
If she was gone for good, did that mean I would spend the rest of my life with something missing?
I shrugged and tipped back my drink. “It will be good publicity with the store opening.”
“Do you regret not making things right with David sooner?”
Christ, was Gabriel trying to make me feel worse? “I think we both have regrets.” He wished he’d pushed me. I wished I’d not been so pig-headed. “But yes of course I do. We wasted a lot of years.”
“Guess you wouldn’t want to repeat that mistake,” Gabriel said.
He thought he was being subtle. Or maybe he didn’t—he wasn’t a stupid man.
But he didn’t get it. The situation with my brother was very different.
I’d been grieving and desperate to hold on to my parents.
We’d both been young and in pain. Time and age had given us perspective.
Hollie knew I wanted her to stay in London.
She wanted to please her family more than she wanted me. It was as simple as that.
“Hollie and I didn’t have an argument. She flew back to Oregon. I can’t change that, Gabriel.”
“I get the impression that she was important to you. Like more important than anyone for a long time.”
“Yes,” I said. The days of trying to deny that were long gone. “She was very important. Before Hollie, I was resigned to being on my own.”
He chuckled. “Yes, I think we’d all figured that out.”
“Hollie was different. She’s sweet and caring and funny and talented and fucking gorgeous.” There weren’t words enough to describe how really wonderful she was. “There’s no point dwelling on it. She’s gone. There’s no bringing her back.”
Gabriel put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me to face him. “What are you talking about, Dex? She didn’t get married. And . . . she didn’t die. You don’t have to let her go without a fight.”
He made it sound simple. I knew she hadn’t died or moved on, but I also knew I had to let go of things in my life that weren’t meant to be. “She’s a grown woman. I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, and she hasn’t called.”
“So that’s it? You walk away?”
“I didn’t walk anywhere. I’m right here where she left me.” She had my number.
“Dexter, I’ve never seen you like this. I don’t want you to spend your life regretting that you didn’t do more.”
“What more can I do? If she doesn’t feel the same way about me, I can’t force her.”
Gabriel clapped me on the back. “You won tonight because you were determined and focused. Because you didn’t consider that you could ever fail. Am I right?”
“Hollie might be a prize but she’s not a competition.”
“You owe it to yourself to at least be clear to her about how you feel and what you want.”
She knew how I felt about her.
Didn’t she?
“We didn’t get a chance to talk about next steps. I mentioned her staying in London though. Offered to put her in contact with some industry people.”
“How very romantic,” Gabriel said, raising his eyebrows.
“But obviously part of the reason I did that was because I didn’t want her to leave.” She had to know. I’d been the one to suggest she move into my place so we could spend more time together. I’d been the one to broach the topic of her staying in London.
“You have to say the words. Like, make it very clear. Believe me when I tell you that lots can get lost in translation. You should have learned that from the situation with David.”
There was nothing I could do to get back all the years I’d lost with my brother. And I couldn’t bear the thought of even one night without Hollie—let alone the rest of my life.
If I’d bumped into Bridget a decade ago, I might be a different man. If I’d picked up the phone to David earlier, perhaps we would have reconciled years before now. I didn’t want Hollie to be another “if.”
Just as the wounds of David and Bridget that I’d been carrying for years had finally healed, Hollie leaving had ripped my heart apart. And instead of leaving this fresh wound to fester and bleed, I wanted to stop wasting time. I wanted to heal.
I wanted Hollie back in my life.