Chapter 19 #2
She slumped back on her seat, shaking her head. “It’s Gabriel.” She said it with certainty, as if I’d already confessed. “I knew it.”
“I don’t understand what your objection is. The guys I dated before were losers. I get why you didn’t like them. Gabriel isn’t anything like them.”
“No, he’s serious and a father and very settled. None of those things describe you or where you are in your life.”
“But it doesn’t mean I don’t like him or can’t like him. That we don’t or can’t like each other. I don’t get it.”
“You’re both at different stages of your life. You want to travel and see the world. He’s got different priorities.”
“Well, first off, let me remind you who’s responsible for me going to Rome. I got to go to a wonderful city and see amazing things that I could only ever dream about, all because of Gabriel. So don’t act like he’s stopping me from fulfilling my dreams. In fact, he’s actively supporting me in them.”
Hollie shifted around so she was facing me. “But that’s one trip. What happens if you want to go to Bali for three months? He’s hardly going to strap Bethany on his back and stay in some hostel with you and a bunch of other twentysomethings.”
“You’ll be happy to know I’ve realized that five-star hotels make a much nicer base than hostels when travelling.
” I laughed, hoping to lighten the atmosphere.
“Also, I’ve never mentioned Bali. I’ll start a job in September, which means I won’t get a chance to spend three months anywhere but London. ”
“But you’re in their international program. What happens if they assign you outside London?”
“You’re thinking too far ahead, Hollie. It’s not venues for my wedding we’re looking at today.” I didn’t want to think too far in the future. Things would get complicated that way, and I liked how things were now. Easy. Simple. Right.
“So you’re not serious about him?” she asked.
I didn’t allow myself to think about the answer to that question. It kept popping up in my own head, but each time I simply dunked it under the surface like the boys used to do to each other in the pool.
“We’re having fun,” I replied, giving the pre-arranged answer Gabriel and I had agreed on.
“Gabriel doesn’t do ‘just fun.’ He’s a serious man with serious responsibilities.”
“Trust me, he knows how to have fun, Hollie.” I raised my eyebrows at her.
“Oh God, tell me you’re using birth control.”
“Yes. Condoms and I’m still on the pill.”
“Well, that’s one thing at least. But seriously, he’s been hurt before. His wife leaving devastated him, from what Dexter has said. If you’re just having fun and he’s serious about you—”
“I didn’t say that.” The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Gabriel. I wasn’t sure what had happened with his wife, but I couldn’t imagine what would make a woman walk out on a man as truly good and kind and sexy-as-hell as Gabriel. Or a daughter as fun and vibrant and wonderful as Bethany.
“So, you’re saying you’re serious about him?”
Whatever I said, Hollie wouldn’t be happy. If I was serious about Gabriel, I’d be compromising my future. If I wasn’t serious about him, I’d be bound to hurt him. I was in a lose-lose situation.
“Look, if I’m being completely honest with you, I’ve never felt like this about anyone.
” She looked like I’d just told her I wasn’t going to attend her wedding, but she needed to understand.
“He’s kind and funny and caring. He loves his daughter.
He’s thoughtful and a great listener. I enjoy being with him. ”
“Oh, Autumn. But you’re so young and—”
“Just listen for a second. We know that whatever there is between us is . . . There are external factors that . . . You know, it’s difficult. So we’ve agreed not to look too far ahead and just enjoy each day.”
But in the moments after Bethany fell asleep and before Gabriel came home, I couldn’t help thinking about what if. I liked Gabriel. Really liked him. And I suspected I wouldn’t want to give him up when it came time for me to leave.
“I know you better than you know yourself,” Hollie started.
Her voice was quiet and gentle—no trace of the Sensible Sister tone I’d expected.
“And to most people you might come across as some kind of free spirit who’s drifted along, happy to be pushed in one direction or another by your sister.
But we both know that’s not true. I didn’t make you work your ass off at school and college.
You had your sights set on a better life just as much as I did.
You’re focused and determined and you’ve always got one eye on the future.
Those boys you dated back in Oregon were always going to get left behind by you.
You’ve said it yourself. But what about Gabriel?
Is he just another that you’ll leave in your rear-view mirror, or are you going to compromise what you want to stay by his side? ”
“Maybe there’s a way for us to be together without making any compromises,” I said.
I’d never run through options because there were too many moving parts, and I didn’t want to know it was hopeless.
“I don’t think we need to play this out to the end and decide that it’s not going to work.
If you did that, then on paper, most relationships would be doomed to fail.
” I wasn’t sure which one of us I was trying to convince.
“You and Dexter shouldn’t work, but you do. ”
“But we’re not talking small issues. Are you saying you’re prepared to take on another woman’s child at twenty-three? You don’t think that’s a compromise too far?”
Hollie didn’t often shock me, but her question was like a punch to the gut. “Bethany’s not another woman’s child. She’s Gabriel’s daughter. Describing it as taking her on makes it sound like she’s a virus or something. She’s sweet and loving and I adore her.”
“I’m sorry.” She had the decency to look embarrassed by what she’d said. I was grateful that Hollie was always there to fight in my corner, but she didn’t always know what was best for me. “Children are a big responsibility. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“I know. And there’s a lot that would need to be worked out.
I’m not saying we will work it out or that we’d even want to.
” But the more time I spent with Gabriel, the more time I wanted to spend with him and the less I looked forward to leaving at the end of the summer.
“I’m just saying that we don’t need to think about that now.
And if in the future we do want to think about it, we can deal with it then. ”
“I want you to be happy. But more than that, I want you to know what’s possible.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Tammy Greenfield’s the perfect example. She’s the happiest woman at the Sunshine Trailer Park, am I right?”
“Absolutely.” Tammy was a cheerleader in high school. She married the quarterback. They had three children. They both had jobs and their trailer was the nicest one on the street. “She’s got reasons to be happy.”
“She does,” Hollie agreed. “But you can bet she’s not going to feel the way you did when you went into the Pantheon or when you saw Big Ben.
Tammy has made lemonade out of lemons, but I don’t want you to have lemons to begin with.
I want you to know what’s out there and then choose what will make you happy.
You’ve always been so good at making the best of what we had.
You were always the one who could get me to look on the bright side.
But I don’t want you to have to. I don’t want you to make do when it comes to your future. ”
I could accuse Hollie of being an interfering, overprotective big sister, but when she said stuff like that, I couldn’t do anything but love her for all of it. “I’m so lucky to have you as a sister.”
“Not as lucky as me.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t get it. I understand what you’re saying. But we’re not in Oregon anymore. You coming to London showed me that anything is possible. And we got out. Both of us. I’m not going to end up like Tammy Greenfield. It’s already way too late for that. I promise you.”
“Well, if you ever dare to dye your hair that circus red, I’m going to disown you.”
“If I make you a promise that my hair is never going to be anything like Tammy’s, can you try to be just a little supportive of me sleeping with my married, single father, much-older-than-me boss?
” I started to chuckle as my description of Gabriel laid bare so many of the obstacles to us having a future together.
“Oh my God, Autumn. Nothing’s ever straightforward, is it?”
“That’s the way life is. And look how it turned out for you,” I said, peering out the window as we pulled up in front of the Savoy.
“I could never have even dared dream that someone like Dexter would love me, or that I would love anyone as much as I love him. I want that for you too, Autumn.”
“Same, sis.” I didn’t dare let myself think about loving Gabriel.
For now, I was happy to be happy. Happy to be with him.
Happy to feel as good as I did when we were together.
Before today, I’d only had a trickle of thoughts about my feelings for Gabriel and what the future might hold.
Talking about it with Hollie had made it clear that deep down, in the bottom of my heart, I was holding back a tidal wave.