Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Autumn
I’d been paralyzed by indecision since I opened my laptop last night.
I hadn’t slept at all and despite it being five after seven with the light bleeding around the edges of the curtains, I still hadn’t decided whether I should cancel my Eurostar ticket to Paris the day after tomorrow.
Maybe I should fly somewhere else. Some place less romantic.
Every click of the mouse and tap of the keyboard was an effort. Someone had opened the tap and drained all my energy. Then they’d come back and frozen any decision-making power.
I’d barely seen Gabriel since our conversation.
It was better this way. He had a second chance this way.
And I didn’t have to live with the knowledge that I might have been the reason a family didn’t reconcile.
I’d spent the week focused on Bethany and settling the new nanny into the role.
Last night, when the week was over and the new nanny was settled, I’d loaded my things into Dexter’s car and come to stay with Hollie.
I’d left Gabriel a letter, but whatever there was to say had already been said.
I wanted him to be happy. More than anything.
There was a flight this afternoon to Madrid. Another tomorrow. There was even one on Thursday to Perth, Australia, and from there it was only a trip up the coast to see Shark Bay. I’d planned to spend the summer in Europe, but nothing about my life was going to plan at the moment.
I struggled into a sitting position and went through my flight options again. Would leaving today be running away? Or simply avoiding the temptation of running back to Gabriel?
The man who loved me. The man I loved so much I’d asked him to try to make it work with his wife.
I hadn’t wanted to go. Leaving had been the most difficult thing I’d ever done. But more than I wanted to stay, I wanted Gabriel to have the life he dreamed of. And whether or not I liked it, that life wasn’t with me.
I wanted him to have what he didn’t growing up—have the dream become a reality. He’d fought me on it. I knew he would. But he’d soften over the next few months. He’d adjust. He’d remember what he’d had with Penelope.
“Is she okay?” I heard Dexter ask Hollie from outside my bedroom door. “I can’t get Gabriel to pick up.”
It would be better to get away soon. Then I wouldn’t be able to waver or weaken or give in to the almost-overwhelming need to run back and tell him that it had all been a terrible mistake, and I loved him so much it caused physical pain to leave.
It would probably be too late anyway. I had no idea if he’d take Penelope back. I hoped he’d try at least. But I was almost certain that he’d never forgive me.
I booked the flight to Madrid. There was no point in staying here.
I didn’t want to spend the next few weeks miserable, with Hollie and Dexter whispering their concerns on the other side of closed doors.
The weeks leading up to their wedding should be a special time for them.
They should enjoy it without worrying about me.
I’d just confirmed my booking when there was a faint knock on the door. “Come in,” I said.
Hollie poked her head in. “I thought you might be sleeping.”
I shook my head. “Not much chance of that. But I’m feeling more positive now,” I lied. “I just booked a flight to Spain. I’m going to be able to spend an entire week there now.”
“Always looking on the bright side,” Hollie said as she came in, her words sounding flat.
“What other choice do I have?” I asked.
“I thought we could go out for brunch,” she said. “Somewhere nice like the Savoy.”
My stomach curdled and I pushed away the memories from the night Gabriel and I had spent there. “Actually, I’ve got a flight to catch. My plane leaves at five.”
“Today?” she said. “We haven’t had a chance to talk or anything. You can’t just leave.”
I nodded. “It will take my mind off of things. And it will be good to go. The weather’s amazing there.” I remembered the advice Gabriel had given—I needed to make sure I put the Thyssen on my itinerary. “I should start packing. You’re okay with me leaving things here?”
Hollie rolled her eyes. “Of course. Do you want me to come with you for a few days? I’m sure Dexter wouldn’t mind, and it might be nice for us to have some time together.”
I smiled at her, grateful for the offer, but she couldn’t solve this for me.
She couldn’t salve this wound. I wasn’t sure anything could.
Maybe time. Maybe distance. The first was out of my hands, but I could jump on an airplane and try to get some miles between me and the man I loved.
Try to take the edge off this hot ache I carried in every muscle and bone.
“No, honestly, I’m looking forward to it. It will be an adventure.”
“Why Spain? I thought you were going to start in Paris.”
“Too romantic,” I said, standing and pulling out the case I hadn’t even unpacked yet.
“Maybe I can come out one weekend? Dexter could come too . . . or not.” Hollie’s voice wobbled.
“I don’t want you to worry,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m going to be fine. Us Lumen sisters always land on our feet. And I’m going to attend any weddingy stuff via video call. It won’t be a problem.”
“I don’t care about the wedding. I just hate to see you sad.”
“I know,” I said. Usually, I’d deny it. Plaster a smile on my face. But Gabriel would tell me that it’s okay for things not to be okay sometimes. And now was one of those times. “But you know what? I get to see you marry Dexter. That’s more than enough happiness for both of us.”
“You’ll definitely be back for it?”
My eyes widened. “Of course. As if I’d miss it. And I’ve got to come back and deal with my job situation. Or my lack of one.”
“So you’re for sure not leaving London?”
I couldn’t promise anything. Frankly, I’d go wherever I got a decent job. But I didn’t need to tell Hollie that. “How could I?” I asked. “You’re here.” I needed to leave for now. I needed space to breathe, and for time to do whatever it was time was supposed to do.
“Wherever you are, I’ll be there for you. You know that, don’t you?”
“I’ve never been in any doubt,” I said, plunking down in her lap and pulling my arms around her. Maybe that’s why I could always see the bright side? Because however murky things got, my sister was always out in front, finding a way through the darkness.