Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Hartford
I’d almost missed my tube stop because my eyes were so heavy with the need to sleep.
It was five to midnight by the time I stepped off the lift to spend my last night in the hotel residences.
Just over twenty-four hours ago, I’d ridden up this lift with Joshua, giddy from a romantic picnic, about to have the best night of my life.
How could so much change in such a short space of time?
Joshua would be in the bath or asleep by now. At least I wouldn’t have to see him. I’d had a busy day and every valid excuse not to take the four missed calls I’d had from him.
Even if I hadn’t been busy, I wouldn’t have answered.
There was nothing to say. Seeing that Merdon pitch on his dining table had unfogged my brain and brought me back to reality.
These last few months, I’d slowly and unwittingly lowered my forcefield until it was barely more than a line in the sand.
Now I was being reminded of the reasons it was there in the first place.
I just wish my heart didn’t feel quite so dense in my chest, knowing I had to walk away.
I stepped off the lift and tried to tread as lightly as I could to my front door. My heavy heart plunged to my feet when I heard the familiar sound of Joshua’s door opening behind me.
“You snuck out this morning and haven’t returned my calls,” he said, his tone even—not super friendly. Not angry.
“I know,” I said.
“I want to talk to you about your concerns with Calmation.”
I didn’t turn around, pretending instead to rummage for my keys in my bag. “There’s nothing to say.”
“So that’s it? You’ve won me over and now you’re dumping me?”
He was trying to be cute. Charming. But I wasn’t into it. My forcefield was back up.
I turned to face him. “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday that you were working for Calmation? You must have figured out it’s the drug Gerry and I are working against?”
His chest rose and fell. “I had a suspicion, but I wasn’t completely sure. I was supposed to be keeping it confidential, and then we reached the picnic and—”
“And you didn’t say anything.”
“No, I was too caught up in what was happening between us. But I would have told you—I think. And if you’d have woken me up, we could have discussed it this morning.”
My jaw clenched. “You think you were going to tell me?”
“I’m signed up to a watertight NDA. But yes, I think I would have told you if we hadn’t gotten sidetracked.”
I sighed. Of course he made it sound entirely reasonable. “I guess it doesn’t matter if you told me or not. We’re fundamentally opposed on something incredibly important to me.”
“It’s important to me too,” he said, taking a step toward me. “You have it wrong about Merdon. They’re genuinely trying to help people get the drugs they need. It’s different in the US—the drugs aren’t available to people who don’t have good insurance.”
I took a step back. “You’re being na?ve. This is about profits and money for Merdon. That’s it.”
“Merdon can’t sell this drug over the counter without regulatory approval. Calmation isn’t going to be sold on the black market. If the regulator thinks it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.”
That was going to be the argument parents used when they decided to self-diagnose their children and administer mood-altering medicine without the support of a doctor.
Any drug, even something like paracetamol, could be dangerous if it wasn’t used correctly.
And Calmation was way more powerful and potentially dangerous than paracetamol, which was why it had to be a prescription drug.
“Just because something’s legal doesn’t make it okay.
It’s legal to eat a hundred cheeseburgers in a day. It doesn’t make it a good thing to do.”
“I’ve seen the evidence—their planning. I’ve seen documents.
The studies proving the benefits. It’s all on my computer.
My client sent me thousands of pages of stuff.
” He opened his door and gestured inside.
“I can show you. Their entire strategy is about making drugs available and affordable to people who wouldn’t otherwise have access to them. ”
It gave me some comfort that Joshua clearly believed he was doing good.
He’d been duped. “I believe that’s what they told you.
Hell, some people who work for them might really believe it too.
But I’m telling you, as a doctor, a pediatrician, and a friend, that trying to get Calmation authorized as an over-the-counter drug is immoral. ”
His shoulders drooped and his eyes hit the floor. “You really think so?”
“I think so. Gerry thinks so, and so will the entire pediatric community when this all hits the press.”
Joshua pushed his hands through his hair. “I had a meeting with them today and . . . something was off. What should I do?” he asked, almost as if he was thinking aloud. “Fuck.”
There were a thousand things I could suggest, not least of which was look over my very amateur PR plan and see what needed to be changed.
But these last few hours since I’d left his bed had made something very clear.
Something that I’d known all along but had lost sight of.
Whenever I was thinking about Joshua, I took my eye off the ball.
I needed to focus on my career. On Calmation.
On my future. It was so easy for me to get so wrapped up in the man in front of me that I lost sight of what was really important.
I refused to regress to my seventeen-year-old self, especially for a man who had a track record of casual sex and little else when it came to women.
I didn’t want to lose myself again for the sake of an orgasm.
“I need to go to bed,” I said, turning toward the door.
“Can I come in?” he asked. “I want to figure this out.”
“I don’t think so, Joshua. I’m not in the mood for casual.”
“Hartford,” he said, his tone questioning and confused. “I want to put this right. You’re not going to help?”
“You don’t need my help to do the right thing.”
“I might not need it, but I’d like it.”
I turned back to him. “You remember when I told you about the accident I had when I broke my leg the first time?”
He frowned. “Sure.”
“That night, I was coming after you.” The confession was like heaving off an enormous weight.
“I wanted you to notice me, to see me as an adult woman.” Ironically, it had been such a childish decision—reckless.
Foolish. And one I was still living with.
“I made a stupid call by driving that night and as a result, I ended up losing my dream of dancing professionally.” I never talked about what I’d lost to anyone.
Not even my parents. Saying the words out loud brought it back as if it had happened yesterday.
My scar split open and it was bleeding. “I won’t make the same mistake twice. ”
Joshua scratched the back of his head. “What mistake?” he asked.
“Losing all sense of judgment because I’m crazy about you.
And here I am again, over a decade later, in almost exactly the same place.
Take another step toward me, Joshua, and I’m gone—drowning in you, losing everything that’s important to me because all I can see is you.
I told you about Calmation yesterday when I’d been sworn to secrecy.
Next time, it’ll be a mistake I can’t row back from. ”
“Hartford?” He reached for me and I stumbled backward, desperate to escape his touch because I knew how powerful it was. How powerful he was.
“And you know what?” I asked. “It might be worth letting myself surrender to the pull if it wasn’t all so one-sided.
But I can’t lose myself in someone who might or might not remember to share the important stuff with me, who may or may not want something more than just sex.
I can’t fall in love with someone who’s never going to give what I give.
” I would always feel more for Joshua than he did for me. I couldn’t live like that.
He shook his head. “What do you mean, give what you give, fall in love? You’re moving at warp speed, a thousand miles down the road. We had our first date yesterday.”
I looked up at him, his floppy blond hair, hard chest, and charming smile.
God, he was pretty. “You’re probably right.
For sure I can see farther down the road than you, and despite wanting to hold back, I’m racing to go further.
I can’t stop myself. In any relationship we have, I’m always going to be ahead of you, Joshua. And I can’t do it.”
My forcefield lay in pieces at his feet.
It was all there for him to see. Was I hoping he would tell me I was wrong and he was right there on the road next to me, holding my hand?
Probably. Was I hoping he’d tell me he loved me and we could figure this out because we were going to be together until the end of time? If I was, I wasn’t holding my breath.
I waited, one beat, then two, giving him time to fill the silence.
At least he didn’t lie. He was who he was and who he always had been. It was me who had changed.
Eventually I slipped inside and closed the door.
We were done.