Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Tristan
The timing of Andrew and Sofia’s wedding couldn’t have been more perfect.
Parker was shocked and disturbed to learn about the surveillance equipment I’d found in her place, which made her especially quick to agree when I suggested we fly out early to NYC.
We’d left later that night after speaking to the police.
I was relieved Parker had finally agreed to involve them, though I wasn’t going to sit back and assume they’d handle everything.
Parker didn’t know it, but I’d arranged for us to have discreet members of Sergei’s team around us at all times.
I still hadn’t managed to trace the camera feed back to its source and I’d not been able to trace the whereabouts of Parker’s ex.
We’d been due to stay at the Mandarin Oriental with all the others, but I’d moved us to the Ritz.
Whoever was surveilling Parker was an amateur in some ways, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
After all, I hadn’t managed to track them down yet.
And if the same person was responsible for Parker’s food poisoning, I wasn’t sure what their endgame was. I wasn’t taking any chances.
“She looks beautiful,” Parker whispered as Sofia walked down the aisle in front of close friends and family at the New York Public Library. It had been Sofia’s choice of venue, apparently.
I nodded. “You look astonishing.”
She rolled her eyes and I couldn’t tell if it was because she didn’t believe me or she was trying to focus on Sofia and the wedding. Honestly, if Parker wore fire-engine-red lipstick, her cow-print pajamas would look sexy. There was just something about her full, red lips.
It was a beautiful day with a perfect backdrop and I couldn’t help thinking how Sofia had changed things for Andrew.
This time last year, I would never have thought he’d be married with a baby on the way.
Children were a huge responsibility. Creating a family was such a leap of faith.
What happened if you got it wrong? Fucked it up somehow? Destroyed it?
As a child, my parents never spoke to me about the ups and downs of my sister’s illness or their marriage.
But I’d always been able to tell. The atmosphere in the house would tell me how bad things were and how sick she was.
On rare occasions the thick tension would lift and smiles and tenderness would replace the tears, but it never lasted long.
After the divorce, things changed and life evened out, but the residue of that time remained tattooed on my insides. I could always read a room. I was always good at going unnoticed. And I was always prepared for the worst.
I carried the uncertainty of that time with me like a stone in my shoe that I couldn’t get rid of.
Most of the time, I forgot it was there.
I just learned to live with it—knowing tomorrow could be very different from today.
I took steps to ensure my world was as unchanging as possible.
It was one of the reasons marriage had never appealed to me—why make a promise to love someone forever when it was an impossible promise to make?
No one knew what the future held and it was foolish to tempt fate.
Not that I wasn’t happy for Andrew and Sofia—I couldn’t be more pleased to see such a great couple, desperately in love and telling the world they were committed to each other.
But today the stone had made a hole in my sock and was burrowing into my skin.
Questions crowded my mind, and none of them had easy answers.
As Andrew and Sofia promised to love each other for the rest of their lives, the stone screamed, what if things change?
As Andrew and Sofia looked at gazed into each other’s eyes like they would stand in front of a train for each other, the stone shouted, how long will that last?
As Parker squeezed my hand, the stone whispered, how long until you have to give her up?
After the ceremony, we were directed into another room, this one lined with books. “This is beautiful,” Parker said, her head tipped back to take it all in.
We paused as we came to a waiter holding a tray of champagne. I handed her a glass and took one for myself before heading to where Dexter, Hollie, and Gabriel stood.
Parker tugged at my hand, pulling me down slightly so she could whisper into my ear. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, straightening. “Yeah. Just a bit of jetlag.”
“Look at me.”
I did what she asked.
“You don’t have jetlag.” She smoothed her thumb over mine in a movement so small but at the same time so deeply reassuring.
That was the thing about Parker: she always wanted to make things better for people.
I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse.
I’d gotten used to relying on myself, living in the moment.
But right now, all I could think about was her and tomorrow—what was going to happen?
I wasn’t going to tell her I didn’t know what the future held for us—that I couldn’t see myself sharing my life with someone.
It was driving me halfway to insanity not knowing who had broken into her flat.
What if they were following her? Planning an attack?
What if she got ill? How could I explain that I didn’t know if we were going to last when the ninety days were up?
I liked the now, but I knew better than to expect the now to last.
We looked on as the bride and groom were having pictures together. Parker tugged my hand. “Can I show you something?” she said. We excused ourselves from our group and retraced our steps to where the chairs were still in place from the ceremony.
“What did you want to show me?” I asked.
“I just wanted a few minutes alone with you. Thought maybe I could surreptitiously feel you up and at the same time, cheer you up.”
I smiled at her plan. “Can you believe this place?” She thrust her hands in the air like she was trying to give the skyline a huge hug.
“It’s pretty special.”
She spun around and I snaked my arms around her waist.
“Ceremony was nice,” she said.
I nodded, my chin resting on the top of her head. “Did I ever tell you how small you are?”
“Not for at least an hour and a half.”
“I’m slacking. And you’re very short.”
She laughed and I felt the sound deep in my gut.
Quiet fell between us and we stood, her arms over mine, her hands stroking my arms, watching the hustle and bustle around us.
“You want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Nothing to talk about.”
Silence ticked by for a few seconds, maybe a minute.
“Liar,” she said. “You don’t have to talk to me about it but I’m here if you want to. And you should know that I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to understand when you’re upset and why. Because I want to know you.”
I pulled her tighter, and bent to press my cheek to hers. “I’m not sure I can put it into words. I’m just feeling a little unsettled. So much is changing.”
She turned in my arms. “Because Andrew is getting married?”
Had that triggered these feelings of uncertainty? “Maybe.” I pressed a kiss into her neck. “I feel like at the moment, I don’t know what the future holds.”
Her fingers smoothed around my neck. “None of us do.”
I inhaled. “Relationships change things. When it’s just me, I have some semblance of control over my future—I decide whether I’m going to go to the gym or take a trip or work the weekend. You know?”
She held my gaze. “And now we’re together, you don’t get to decide those things?”
I shrugged. “No. I do. But there are other variables at play that impact my day. Things that could change my future. Maybe you’re working the weekend. Or we get into a fight. Maybe you get sick.”
“We won’t get into a fight as long as you keep me in chocolate-covered raisins and orgasms.” She smiled up at me and I couldn’t help but smile back.
Her joy was contagious, but it didn’t erase the uncertainty sitting like sludge in my gut.
“But seriously, I think the idea is that we make peace with uncertainty. Any certainty in life is an illusion in any event. We think our lives are going to continue as they are, but there are no guarantees.”
I nodded. “You’re right.” I wasn’t stupid. I knew what she was saying was true. I’d just spent a long time making sure I controlled as much as possible in my life. I wasn’t good with uncertainty.
“But you’re still uneasy. Tell me why. Is it about the cameras you found?”
“Partly. I don’t like not knowing what’s coming for us.
There are so many moving parts in our lives at the moment.
The cameras. What’s happening with us. Ninety days is nearly up and what then?
” I paused. I didn’t want to worry her, but she was asking to know me.
“I’ve been like this since I was a kid. Sometimes I can sense something bad is going to happen. I just feel uneasy at the moment.”
She looped her hands around my waist and squeezed me hard. “Because of what happened with your sister?”
“I think so. As a kid you don’t expect your sister to die or your parents to divorce. You think that how life is today is how it’s going to be forever. Of course, that’s never the case, but usually, you learn the lesson a little later in life.”
“It must have been so difficult for you. I can’t even imagine.”
Having Parker right beside me felt so good.
So right. Like it was meant to be this way.
But at the same time, feeling like that was terrifying.
I’d always avoided having women in my life long-term because I never wanted to put stock in the notion that my today would be my tomorrow.
There were no guarantees, and I couldn’t bear the thought of waking up to a different future to the one I had planned out.
As a single man with just me to worry about, my wife wasn’t ever going to get sick or decide she wanted a different life without me.
I never had to worry about that life-disrupting change.
Parker had come along and shifted my possible futures, making me long for stability I knew didn’t exist. I just didn’t know how to reconcile this growing desire for forever with the truth I knew in my gut: forever didn’t exist.