Chapter 22 #3
Whilst she had no doubts about her feelings for him—which had returned to life stronger and deeper than ever—she could not be certain of his.
The passing of so many months and the deep turmoil he had likely experienced, as she had, could have affected him differently from her—and she feared to discover in what way.
The only barrier that had kept them apart—her promise and loyalty towards Philip—had fallen, but that did not necessarily open the path that could bring them together, nor make it smoother.
How could she see him again, be near him again?
What could she say to him that would not betray Philip’s memory nor offend Darcy’s feelings or her own?
Did he still love her, or would he feel obliged by their night of passion to reconcile with her if she suggested it?
Or perhaps he pitied her like everyone else?
Could she ever feel again the same burning passion as she had that night on the beach?
Could she allow herself to feel such delight again?
Did his ardent love for her still exist?
Such thoughts tormented her, adding to her grief, making her feel ashamed, disloyal, and shallow.
Even though she knew her affection and sorrow for her lost husband to be genuine and strong, more than once she questioned her honesty, wondering whether she was refusing to return to society just to avoid meeting Darcy and confronting the reality of his present feelings for her.
Her memories—both hurtful and happy—as well as the dark mourning clothes, kept her safe from more suffering.
But, fearful or not, she had to accept the risk of fully embracing life.
“If your ladyship wishes to host a dinner party with family and friends, I would not oppose it,” Elizabeth eventually replied to the lady who was observing her long silence with puzzlement and obvious concern.
“Excellent. I suggest we hold it in a fortnight, if that is acceptable to everyone.”
“I believe in a fortnight would be perfect,” Elizabeth concluded, suddenly feeling cold.
Later in the afternoon, Elizabeth was having a cup of tea with Lady Kendal when, without much formality, the door was pushed open and the Bingleys entered, carrying their beautiful and joyous son and accompanied by Kitty and Mary.
Young Andrew was the lively image of his mother’s beauty, and his amiable nature mirrored his father’s.
Behind them were the Gardiners and their children, who hurried to embrace Elizabeth and Lady Kendal. Andrew claimed the same favour, stretching his hands out to them and then babbling happily in his aunt’s arms.
“What a lovely surprise! What are you all doing here?” Elizabeth asked.
“Lady Kendal knew we would come—we would not have dared to simply barge in,” Mrs Gardiner answered, and Lady Kendal nodded in approval.
“We are taking a ride in Hyde Park—it is truly a splendid day. Will you not join us?” Jane pleaded. “We shall meet Georgiana and Anne too.”
“Mr Gardiner and I are going to meet Darcy and the colonel. Darcy returned to town just yesterday,” Bingley added, and Elizabeth’s heart skipped a beat.
“I cannot come, I am meeting one of our solicitors in two hours.”
“We could postpone the meeting, my dear,” Lady Kendal offered.
“I would rather not,” she said. “We should discuss the final details about the orphanage.”
“But you must come to dinner on Saturday—I shall not accept a refusal,” Jane said decidedly. “Charles is celebrating his twenty-fifth birthday. All our relatives and friends will be there and it would not be the same without you!”
Elizabeth shuddered and kept her eyes down, but Lady Kendal was quick to answer.
“We will be there. We cannot disappoint you. We will be there, will we not, my dear?”
Elizabeth hesitated, imagining a large party that included some of the people she had been trying to avoid.
And most of all, she expected the man who had tortured her thoughts for more than two years to certainly be in attendance.
Elizabeth knew she would have to meet him again eventually. She could not stay away forever, and the close relationship between their families would surely bring them together again one day. But was she ready?
“I am not ready yet,” she admitted out loud, blushing at the others’ astonished gazes.
“You should come, dearest,” Jane repeated gently. “You will be among friends who love you dearly. Please!”
“My dear sister,” Bingley interjected, “I would do anything for your comfort if you would only come. We have missed your presence since Philip…”
“Yes, I know… There is no need to plead any more with me,” Elizabeth said. “I am always happy to be with you, please do not doubt that. I cannot possibly miss your birthday, so I shall come.”
“Will you? How wonderful! The colonel and Darcy will be thrilled too I am sure, since they have not seen you in a long time!” Bingley exclaimed, while Elizabeth tried to breathe. Panic had surrounded her like a cage that left her no escape.
The same day, Darcy sent his card to Lady Kendal announcing his presence in town. Elizabeth knew he intended to warn her and allow her to decide whether she wished to see him or not. Her heart pounded, but she did not know whether she desired or dreaded such a moment.