Chapter Fourteen – Love This Pain
Chapter Fourteen
Beckett
LOVE THIS PAIN
Performed by Lady A
EIGHT YEARS AGO
HER: Why are guys so lame?
HIM: I’ll try not to take offense. What’s up?
HER: If all you plan is one night with someone, just be upfront about it.
HIM: Whose dick do I need to rip off?
HER: No one of importance. What I mean is, don’t make it seem like you’re into someone, like you want to start a relationship, when all you really want is a few hours of sex.
HIM: Maise… Are you okay?
HER: I’m fine. Really. It’s just…disappointing. The entire thing was disappointing. The sex was disappointing. He was disappointing. I guess I was probably disappointing too, otherwise he would have wanted to see me again, right?
HIM: Fuck this guy. You are NOT a disappointment. You’re a goddamn angel.
HER: No one wants to sleep with an angel, Beckett. Sweet and innocent is boring. You don’t go for the quiet girl in the room. You go for the sexy dynamo you think will tie you to the bed.
HIM: Hate to break it to you, darlin’, but I don’t ever want to be tied to a bed.
HER: No? I guess I can see that about you. You’d want all the control.
HIM: Sex shouldn’t be about power and control. It should be about giving each other equal pleasure.
HER: But there’s pleasure in giving up control, right? Feeling safe enough to let go.
HIM: You’ve been reading too many romance books. You should always feel safe when you’re having sex. If you don’t, you shouldn’t be doing it.
PRESENT DAY
As I stalked toward the snack bar with the untouched plate of nachos, I was virtually kicking myself in the ass.
Maisey had smiled and laughed, just as I’d intended when I’d left the house. The worry had slipped off her shoulders for a few minutes, and she’d even, briefly, tossed aside her normal inhibitions with that little stunt in the cove. But I’d pushed the taunt a step too far and caused her to run.
But the day could still have been saved.
I could have returned to our lounge chairs and made a joke.
Instead, I’d brought up what Ron had found out about the fire and stolen any chance of laughter from her.
The truth was, she’d needed to know, but I could have allowed her a few more moments of levity before dropping the hammer.
At the snack bar, I requested the staff put the nachos in a to-go container and ordered two sets of sliders to take with us. I was waiting for the food when a hand clapped me on the shoulder.
I turned to find my dad with his cowboy hat tipped back and his salt-and-pepper brows raised. “Thought that was your rig I saw fly by the barn earlier.”
“Hey, old man,” I said, giving him a hug with a hard pat on the back before releasing him.
“Don’t you ‘hey, old man’ me, shithead.”
“What did I do now?” I laughed, but before I’d even finished the question, I knew.
“You got engaged, without giving me a heads up beforehand that you were going to ask Maisey or even thinking to tell me after she said yes.”
I glanced out toward the water to the lounge chair where Maisey was waiting for me, glad she wasn’t nearby to overhear this conversation. I didn’t need Dad scaring her off, especially when she needed this as much as I did now.
“Is she here with you now?” Dad demanded, looking in the same direction as me. “Heard you already moved in together.”
I ran a hand through my hair, debating whether to tell him the truth.
Dad and I had always been straight with each other.
Always. But I knew his take on love and marriage, knew he believed in the institution, even after his wife tried to burn down our home with me in it, and his fiancée left us because she’d loved her work more than she did us.
Dad would still think it was some sort of blasphemy to enter into an agreement for marriage in the way Maisey and I had.
“We wouldn’t have moved in together yet, but you might have also heard about her dad’s place catching fire. They’re both living with me while the repairs are made,” I said, giving him a partial answer.
Dad took a slow, calming breath, fixing me with a steely glower.
“Beckett. That girl has had stars in her eyes looking at you since she was knee high to a grasshopper. You can’t mess around with her like this.
If you tell me you love her and want a future with her, I’ll be happy for both of you.
But we just had a conversation the other day about grandkids that nearly sent you running for the hills, and now you tell me you’re getting married? ”
He was right. When he’d brought up kids, I hadn’t told him I was dating Maisey or thinking about marrying her. Instead, I’d panicked, as I always did, at the thought of being tied to someone.
I also wasn’t an idiot. There’d been times as a teenager when I’d known Maisey felt something more for me, the same way Del did. But I’d sworn I’d never be the reason another woman nearly died. And since Maisey returned to Swift Rivers, she hadn’t shown a hint of wanting me that way.
We were friends. Nothing more. She’d even played wingwoman while I found a tourist to take home, never so much as flinching. Because Maisey understood my limitations. She’d seen the wreckage up close, way back when I was eight and my mom had traded me for a payout.
Dad had agreed to not pursue an investigation into the fire if she gave up custody.
And she’d taken the money from their divorce and run east. He’d packed us into the truck and driven west, as if putting miles between us could erase the connection, and the damage, my mother had done.
But it hadn’t. And when Liza left, Maisey saw that destruction too.
I’d sworn I’d never be my dad. I’d never keep offering up a heart that only knew how to bleed.
Still…if anyone could fit into my life, it was Maisey.
I remembered what Kasey had said at the station, about Maisey and me just fitting, and what Tejas had said about us being couple goals. Maybe what we had was better than love’s false promises. Maybe marrying Maisey was exactly what I needed in my life.
Even as the thought settled, I was shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it. Maisey should have the undying love she wanted. I could give her friendship. I could give her sex—really damn good sex—but not a happily ever after.
“What are you shaking your head for?” Dad asked.
I dragged a hand through my wet hair. I couldn’t give Maisey forever, but we could offer each other a temporary solution to our temporary problems and maybe even a temporary sating of the lust that dangled in the air between us these days. A fix for the ache.
Dad wouldn’t approve of that any more than he’d approve of me proposing to Maisey.
So I simply gave him a half-truth, saying, “Neither of us is going into this with our eyes closed. Maisey and I both agreed this was what we wanted.”
Dad let out an exasperated breath, proving he wasn’t an idiot either because he read between the lines and came up with some, if not all, of what I wasn’t telling him. “This is some dumbass arrangement, then.” When I still didn’t answer, he kept going. “Is this about the fire chief job?”
“This is about Maisey and me and what we both need right now.” It was as close to admitting the truth as I could come.
“Damn it, Beck. You both deserve more than this. You deserve a love so all-consuming you can’t think of anything but ending your day and getting back to that person.
A love that has you offering up your right hand if it’ll mean the other person doesn’t suffer a single inconvenience.
A passion you see as a gift and not as a burden.
I hate that bearing witness to my failures with love scarred you, closing you off to the possibilities just because my attempts at it didn’t turn out right. ”
When I scoffed and started to say something, he cut me off.
“I don’t regret your mother, because our time together gave me you, and you’re the best thing in my life.
I don’t regret Liza, because she showed me I still had love to give.
But if you do this with Maisey half-assed, you will regret it.
You’ll hurt her and lose a piece of yourself you’ll never get back. ”
Before I could respond, Maisey joined us. She had both our bags slung over her shoulders and my dog’s leash in her hand.
Vador yipped excitedly at my father, and Dad bent to give the wet mutt a whole-body rub.
Maisey darted a look from me to my father and back, as if sensing the tension in the air.
She smiled weakly. “Hi, Kurt.”
Dad rose and hugged Maisey, glaring at me over her head. “Hey, sweet thing. I hear you’ve had quite the week.”
When he let her go, she looked at me with wide eyes, as if asking what I’d told him.
“The rumor mill got to Dad before I could tell him about us.”
“I’m sorry you had to hear about it that way,” she told him, touching his arm.
He stared at her for a long moment. “All I want is for you and my boy to be happy. If you love each other and are willing to sacrifice and meet each other halfway, you’ll make it work.”
He’d emphasized the love part, and Maisey shifted uncomfortably.
My order was called, and I hesitated, not wanting to leave them alone while I went to get it, but when they called the number a second time, I stalked off.
When I came back, Maisey looked even more serious than she had been before. Now, I wanted to kick my dad’s ass, in addition to mine. But I’d been the one to start us on this path, not Dad.
Maisey had more than earned a fairy-tale kind of love.
And she’d get it, just not with me.
Why did that notion make my stomach turn sour?
Dad hugged us both goodbye and sauntered off to one of the ranch rigs.
Maisey and I followed him to the parking lot. When I tried to strap Vader to his safety belt in the back seat, he whined, sensing the strain in the air.
“Let him ride up front with me,” Maisey said.
I shook my head. “No. He knows his place. It’s safer back here.”