Chapter Seven – Old Soul
Chapter Seven
Fallon
OLD SOUL
Performed by The Highwomen
SIX YEARS AGO
HER: I heard “When the Wild Wind Blows” today and felt the need to say the only way you can believe that ghastly metal noise reflects true love is because you haven’t ever been in love. Country music, Frogman. Country music has all the heart.
HIM: So, love is pain? Is that what you’re saying, Ducky? Because country music makes my ears bleed. If that’s true love, who’d want to experience it?
PRESENT DAY
As I attempted to add the final coat of mascara to my lashes, I had to brace my hand with the other to steady it.
Nerves were jiggling inside me like worms caught on a hook, and it had nothing to do with the black hooded robe and gray chevron hanging from my closet door or the chapter closing on my life that the robe signified.
The twist of my stomach was due to the shower turning off in the bathroom I shared with JJ.
Before this year, I’d never considered myself a coward. And yet, I was in this situation now because I hadn’t had the guts to pull the trigger and break things off months ago.
I should have done it when everything had started to go downhill after I’d taken JJ to Rivers for Christmas.
I’d tried to deepen our relationship by showing him the real Fallon, but when I finally revealed to him the secret I’d kept for far too long about the ranch being mine and the wealth that came with it, he’d been hurt and angry.
“Why would you keep this from me?” he’d demanded. “You’ve been pretending all this time to be just like me when you’re really just another rich kid, like the ones at my private school who’d looked down on me for being the scholarship kid.”
“I’ve never looked down on you for not having money, JJ,” I’d told him. “I didn’t tell anyone because I knew people would treat me differently, and I needed to be just another college kid.”
“I don’t understand why. Struggling to make ends meet, knowing your future depends on every fucking grade you get…that’s not a way to live.”
I’d tried to explain the complicated feelings I had about both the ranch and my family.
The betrayals surrounding my birth that had led to the abandonment of my childhood.
The birthright I’d been groomed to take by a stepdad who loved me but who’d loved the land more.
The heaviness of the responsibilities I had waiting for me, and my dad’s request that I try, for a few years, to consider all the options open to me, including selling the ranch.
After I’d laid my heart out, JJ had simply said, “Your dad is right. Sell it. Get rid of all the bad memories and responsibilities and use it to create a real life for yourself with me in San Diego.”
And I hadn’t had the heart to tell him I’d never sell the ranch. The legacy was mine. It was in my blood. I’d build on to it. Grow it. Make it more. And I’d build a large animal rescue there to give something back.
After New Year’s, when we’d returned to our apartment near campus, JJ had started acting strange, spending money more wildly than ever before.
He’d always been a spender. We’d even argued about it over the months we’d lived together when his credit card bill prevented him from paying his share of the rent, but I’d also understood he was working out his demons just like I was.
But then, in February, JJ had proposed, handing me a ginormous diamond ring that was nothing I’d ever want on my finger, and I’d been stunned.
I should have expected it after he’d told me to sell the ranch and start a life with him in San Diego, but I honestly hadn’t.
I’d thought he’d seen the writing on the wall of our relationship as much as I had .
When I’d said no, things had spiraled even more. Our occasional arguments and his accusations of me cheating on him with Parker had grown in number and size. He followed them up with enormous grand gestures and apologies that somehow charmed me into accepting him back.
But the final kiss of death to our relationship had been Mom’s car accident in March.
The simple fact that JJ had refused to come with me to Rivers when it happened had been the last straw.
My mom had nearly died, and my live-in boyfriend hadn’t been there for me.
Worse, when I’d spent weeks at home while she slowly recovered enough to be transferred to a rehabilitation center, JJ had never once visited me.
He’d barely called or texted, and when I’d asked him to pick up my assignments from my professors, he’d demanded to know how much I really expected him to do when he was already swamped with covering for me at the vet clinic where we interned.
As soon as I’d returned to San Diego, I should have broken it off.
But I’d been overwhelmed trying to catch up with my classes so I could still graduate on time and making up hours at the clinic so my internship would still count.
I hadn’t wanted to add the drama of breaking up and asking him to move out to an already stressful time for both of us as we finished our dissertations.
I’d promised myself I’d do it after graduation. Now we were here, and I was still vacillating like a jackrabbit zigzagging across a field.
I flung the mascara tube on the dresser and met my hazel eyes in the mirror. Where was the Fallon who used to stand up for herself? The college grad in the mirror with her makeup and fancy updo wasn’t me.
My time at the ranch while Mom was in the hospital had proven to me just how much I’d missed it.
The smell of the wildflowers and the sound of the river crashing over the waterfall had soothed me in a way nothing else ever had…
except Parker. It had me questioning whether I really wanted to spend yet another summer away from Rivers.
It had me wondering if I really wanted to continue with a doctoral degree and a veterinarian license I had no intention of using to its fullest.
My heart hammered hard and fast as I realized just exactly what I was considering .
Walking away. Not just from JJ but from the goals I’d set for myself.
The bathroom door opened, and JJ strode out with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. His bright-blue eyes met mine as he crossed the room, and for a moment, I saw a flash of anger in them before he covered it up. As he crossed the room, he waved a pink carton at me.
“You got your period?” he demanded.
My brows furrowed in confusion. Was he actually upset?
He’d been like a dog with a bone about sex lately.
One day, he’d even gone so far as to lock the supply closet at the clinic behind us.
If Dr. Walters hadn’t knocked, I was pretty sure he would have stripped me bare and thrown me down amongst the mops and vinyl gloves.
I’d been relieved to be interrupted. Since I’d come back from taking care of Mom, having sex with JJ had felt wrong. And the few times we had, it had felt almost…desperate. Like we were trying to hold onto the tide as it pulled back from the shore, even though the retreat was inevitable.
Usually, when he was like this, the best thing to do was tease him out of his funk, but I didn’t have it in me anymore. Instead, I shrugged. “Sorry to ruin your plans for a congratulatory round of sex.”
He tossed the tampon box down, and it collided with the mascara tube, sending it rolling to the floor. The crash was loud and somehow ominous.
The scowl on JJ’s face seemed as opposite of the real JJ as the girl with the fancy updo in the mirror was to the real Fallon.
When I’d first met him, he’d been the epitome of a laid-back surfer, but as the years had crawled by, he’d gotten harder, as if the salty seas were ripping the joy out of him and leaving a shriveled-up version of him behind.
He slid his arms around my waist, pulling my back into his chest, and when I visibly flinched, his scowl deepened.
“Your towel is wet, and it’s going to ruin my silk dress,” I said, trying to pull away.
He clamped his arms around me tighter, leaned in, and kissed my neck. “So what? You have other dresses in your closet.”
Not many. Even the lighthearted college girl I’d been pretending to be hadn’t worn dresses. When I wasn’t in a wetsuit at the beach or in my equestrian team uniform, riding Daisy, I spent my days in jeans, shorts, or scrubs.
I struggled against his hold until he finally relented, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. “What’s the deal, Fallon? I can’t even remember the last time we had sex.”
“Last weekend, after the extravagant catered party you threw.”
“To celebrate you and your final win as part of the equestrian team! That party was for you!”
Our eyes met in the mirror, and his flashed with anger and frustration.
“I didn’t need china and champagne. I would have been happy with a bonfire and hamburgers at the beach.”
“It’s about time you stopped hiding the real you and living the life you deserve,” he snapped.
And we were back to the money discussion. Sorrow leaked through me. How had I not seen that this would be a huge deal for JJ? He’d flat out told me that someday he’d shove his wealth in the face of everyone who’d ever put him down.
I stepped away from him and went to the closet, searching for the low-heeled sandals I’d bought for the ceremony. When I turned around, he hadn’t moved, and I raised a brow.
“We’ll be late for breakfast if you don’t get dressed.”
He glared for a moment before stomping over and reaching past me to grab a blue dress shirt from a hanger.
I’d never seen it before, but it perfectly matched the robin-egg blue of my strapless cocktail dress.
I’d only bought it last week. Had he bought his shirt to match since then?
A chill ran up my spine, instincts trying to tell me something I couldn’t quite make out.
“I told your dad we’d just see everyone after the ceremony,” JJ said nonchalantly. “Meeting up for breakfast didn’t make any sense.”
Shock at his high-handedness rolled through me. “Excuse me?”