Chapter Ten – All These Things That I’ve Done
Chapter Ten
Parker
ALL THESE THINGS THAT I’VE DONE
Performed by The Killers
TEN YEARS AGO
HIM: I shouldn’t have left you, damnit.
HER: I’m glad you weren’t here. They would have shot you without a second thought. At least when they saw Sadie at the door, she had a chance because they needed her to get into the safe.
HIM: Never again. If you’re ever in danger again, you won’t be able to shake me.
HER: What are you going to do? Go AWOL in the middle of some top-secret mission to run home? Besides, I don’t need you to save me. Sadie and I saved ourselves.
PRESENT DAY
My right hand stung from slamming my trident into the coffin next to the others my teammates had placed there. My eyes stung from tears I was fighting to hold back. Silver One Squadron stood at attention as they lowered Will into the ground.
I didn’t hear the words spoken by the priest nor the words of our commander.
I barely registered the bugler playing “Taps.” I wasn’t even sure the firing squad would have registered if the tiny hand in mine hadn’t startled with the first shot. I squeezed Theo’s fingers tighter, tugging him closer to me as we stood at attention through the final report .
When it was over and I held a folded flag in one hand and a child’s hand in the other, I had to fight to breathe. We should move. We should head across the grass to the long line of cars parked along the cemetery’s lanes, but my feet felt rooted.
When I looked down at him, Theo’s face showed the same confusion that had been there since I’d retrieved him from the group home. He was struggling to comprehend what it all meant. That he’d never see either of his parents again. That his dad’s body was in a damn wooden box.
Maybe it was better this way. Not knowing. Not seeing.
All I saw on repeat was my friend’s bloody face.
In the three nights since my team had brought Will home, that was all I’d dreamed about. The first night, when I didn’t have Theo yet, it had driven me from my bed to multiple glasses of alcohol that had dulled my senses. But after I’d brought him home, I’d refused to be drunk if he needed me.
When I’d picked Theo up, after all the paperwork had been sorted, I’d taken him back to Will’s apartment so he’d have all his own things and a place he was familiar with. I’d thought it would be easier for Theo, even when it had been hell on me to be surrounded by all of Will’s memories.
But Theo had been almost inconsolable. So, the next day, I’d boxed up as many of his toys and clothes as possible and brought him back to my place. At some point, I’d have to return and sort through the apartment. But selfishly, I needed some time before I did that.
Every night, Theo had cried himself to sleep, asking for his parents and breaking my heart just a bit more each time I couldn’t give him what he needed.
He’d fallen asleep in the bed in my guest room each night, but at some point, he always joined me in mine.
I’d woken to tiny elbows and bony heels shoved into my legs and side.
I wasn’t used to sharing a bed with anyone. The women I slept with either took me to their place, or I booked a hotel. Either way, I left long before morning. I never woke with them beside me.
Except for one night when I’d had a blonde in my bed and woke to find her gone.
A singular evening that had nearly ruined a lifetime of friendship.
I shook my head, but the truth was, I hadn’t been able to get Fallon out of my mind all week.
I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hear the positive spin she’d put on my situation.
The way she’d punch through the bullshit and lay it on the line in much the way my dad had.
But I couldn’t. Not now, when she had crap piled up at her door too.
When Dad had told me about the drug arrest and what had happened with JJ, I’d nearly lost the last thread of my sanity. I’d wanted to pull my team together, blow up the jail cell the loser was sitting in, and make him suffer before I ended his life for trying to destroy hers.
The simple fact I’d had a little boy sitting across the table from me had stopped me from doing something stupid. Instead, I’d sent a half-assed apology for what she was going through, and she’d replied with her own.
HER: We both know how lame the words are, but I’m so sorry about Will. So damn sorry for you and for Theo. Don’t worry about me, Parker. I’ll be fine. Just take care of you and that little boy.
Even as I’d read the words, I’d known she was lying. She wasn’t anywhere close to fine. She was just doing what Fallon always did—she was retreating into herself to lick her wounds, pretending she didn’t need anyone or anything. Pretending she could carry the weight of the world on her own.
She’d gone home, Dad had said. And that was the best place for her. Back in Rivers, on the Harrington ranch, Fallon had always blossomed. The fields and mountains would root her in the things that mattered most.
I wasn’t sure who or what would ground me.
Before, being a part of the SEAL teams had done just that, but at the moment, it felt like I’d never find myself again.
And that simple thought was what kept me from texting her like I would have otherwise.
Stopped me from losing myself in a brief moment of light she’d bravely offer, even while she attempted to pull herself out of the dark.
The little hand in mine nearly slipped out, and I caught it, holding it tighter .
“You ready, bud?” I asked.
He looked up at me with dazed eyes.
I still had moments of pure panic at the thought of being responsible for this little life. Moments when I felt like I was being held underwater, just like at BUD/S. Except, this time, I had no chance of escape, no chance of emerging and inhaling a fresh gasp of air.
Theo shrugged, pulling his hand away to take the tawny stuffed dog he’d had for as long as I’d known him and nuzzle it with his face. I squatted down and ruffled his hair.
“We’re almost done with our assignment for the day. One more task. It means facing some more people, but after, we’ll go home and watch more of those dog shows you like.”
It had been pure chance that I’d landed on an American Kennel dog show yesterday.
He’d stopped me from turning the channel with a pat on my arm, watching the screen with the same fascination other kids might give a cartoon.
After that, I’d found a bunch of replays on the internet, and he’d watched every single one.
“Okay, Park,” he said. He sounded so much like Will as he said it that it tore at me.
I picked him up, and he rested his head on my shoulder, snagging my heart and twisting it into a thousand knots. I crossed the grass, my dress shoes sliding on the dew as I strode toward the limousine my dad had hired.
My parents were waiting for us. Dad had his arm around Mom’s shoulders.
She was tall, almost six foot, slim and elegant with dark hair and pale-blue eyes.
She wore a navy-colored suit today, and her shoulder-length hair was pulled back in a tight twist. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her cheeks pale. She was grieving as much as I was.
Silence reigned on our drive from the cemetery to my commander’s house, where our team had gathered to celebrate Will.
Once we were there, the stories flew. Everyone had something to share about him.
Wild adventures. Hilarious moments. Laughter rang out, and we all held back tears behind gritted teeth and locked jaws.
And then we patted each other on the back and went our separate ways.
We had four months before they recalled us. Then, we’d spend six to eight months re-proving ourselves, traveling around the country for various pre-deployment trainings. We’d spend months away from base, which meant I had four months to figure out my shit and what all of this meant for Theo.
As much as I loved the kid, as much as I wouldn’t even consider handing him off to someone else to raise, I still got angry thinking about how my life had been twisted into some unknown version of itself.
But every time I got angry; guilt followed on its heels.
Wishing Will had lived simply so I didn’t have to take on the mantle of his responsibilities felt all kinds of wrong.
After leaving my commander’s house, Theo and I returned to my cottage with my parents in tow.
Mom offered to help Theo change out of the tiny suit she’d bought him.
I hadn’t even considered what Theo would wear to the funeral, just as I hadn’t thought of a million other things he’d needed in the last two days that Mom had handled for me.
What was I going to do when my parents went back to Las Vegas?
What would Theo do when he was stuck with a selfish bastard watching over him?
I strode into my room, hung up my uniform, and searched for clean civilian clothes.
I was down to the bare minimum because I needed to do laundry.
The pile of tiny clothes mixed with mine had grown out of control in just three days.
I dragged on a pair of black cargo pants and a T-shirt with the Marquess Enterprises logo from my dresser.
I usually only wore the shirt when I was off-duty and helping Dad with security at Rafe’s casino in Las Vegas.
It was a uniform different from my military one, but one that still meant serving and protecting. Except, I had failed in this uniform too.
My chest twisted as guilt drove into me once again.
Ten years ago, I’d left Fallon on the day she’d needed me most, leaving her open to an attack from Theresa Puzo and Adam Hurly, and she’d almost died because of it.
Since she’d moved to San Diego for college, I’d done everything I could to ensure she was safe and unharmed.
But it hadn’t been enough. First, there’d been the entire incident with Ace and his wife, and now this with JJ.
Could I have kept her safe if I hadn’t been so focused on my career?
If I hadn’t been more focused on the promise I’d made to my grandfather than the one I’d made to her?
Was a promise to a dying man worth Fallon’s life?
Not even close. But what the fuck did that mean?
As I emerged from the bedroom, Dad looked up from his phone and said, “I thought we’d order pizza.”
“You have an early flight. You don’t need to babysit us.”
He ignored my comment and went to the kitchen, grabbing two beers from the fridge and handing me one. “Your mom and I had a long talk last night. We think you and Theo should come live with us for now.”
“What?” I nearly choked on the swallow I’d taken.
He waved a hand. “What are you going to do when you’re deployed? Who’s going to keep Theo? At least this way, he’d be in his own bed every night, living with people who care about him.”
“Dad, you’re retiring. You planned to sell the house and travel for the next five years before settling down anywhere.”
Dad had worked for Rafe for nearly two decades now.
After Rafe had married Sadie, he’d hired a CEO to take over the bulk of the Marquess Enterprise’s responsibilities in order to have more time with her, their kids, and Fallon.
But as Rafe had slowly unraveled himself from the business’s day-to-day activities, my dad had become more entrenched.
He was much more than just the chief of security.
He was Rafe’s guard dog, watching over the hired executives to ensure nothing went wrong.
But Dad had promised Mom to finally retire by the end of the year.
“Truth is, we’d discussed eventually settling down wherever you were at.” Dad gave me a sad grin. “We were hoping we might get another grandkid or two out of you and Will, even if you swore you’d forever be single.”
I tried not to let the mention of Will stab me in the gut. He’d wanted more kids, whereas I’d treated the topic as if it was a horror show.
I pushed past those thoughts to focus on what Dad was offering me—a way to share the burden of raising Theo. But I didn’t want my parents to give up their future plans any more than I wanted to give up mine .
My voice was gruff when I finally responded, “Having a grandkid is different than becoming a backup parent at fifty-five.”
Dad shrugged. “Life likes to throw hand grenades at us. Sometimes, it isn’t until after we’ve rebuilt from the wreckage that we can see it was the best thing to happen to us.
” Nice words, but they only made the pain in my chest grow to epic proportions.
The shrapnel from the blowup of my life shouldn’t spread to theirs.
He read my hesitancy. “Think about it. It isn’t like you’d be abandoning him to foster care.
You’d be his guardian, and we’d just be helping out whenever you were out of pocket. ”
“We love him, Parker,” Mom said, joining us in the kitchen. She put an arm around my waist and rested her head on my shoulder. “We loved Will. Theo was already our grandchild. This just makes it legal.”
My teeth ground together, and pain ratcheted up my jaw, spiking along my temples.
“You have plenty of time to consider it,” Dad said. “They won’t call your team back until they’re sure the dust has settled.”
Mere months. We had one hundred and twenty days before we started training again.
Was that even enough time to right this ship? For one of the first times in my life, I didn’t know the answer or have a clue on how to go about it.