Chapter Thirty-three – How Do I Live
Chapter Thirty-three
Fallon
HOW DO I LIVE
Performed by Trisha Yearwood
THREE YEARS AGO
HIM: I don’t get how everyone flies to some sweltering Caribbean island for their honeymoon. Even the surfing wouldn’t be worth it.
HER: Pigpen actually pulled the trigger?
HIM: Yep. Three Frogmen down.
HER: I know you never want to do the deed and put a ring on someone’s finger, but if you did, where would you go for your honeymoon?
HIM: A mountain lake. Somewhere temperate with stunning views and plenty of outdoor activities.
HER: You literally just described the ranch.
HIM: I did, didn’t I? But it’s too hot in the summer. Maybe Lake Moraine in Canada. Kayaking and hiking during the day and making love all night.
HER: I can tell you’ve never given this much thought, Kermit. I can almost guarantee a couple on their honeymoon isn’t going to spend the day kayaking.
PRESENT DAY
The sensuality of this moment, tangled with Parker, having reached the top and gone over together as one, was a little bit of heaven, full of visceral emotions I couldn’t describe but lay savoring.
The sex with JJ had been good—at least, I’d thought it had been. But with Parker, it felt…holy. That might be blasphemous, even when I wasn’t overly religious, but I couldn’t help thinking it.
Fate .
I’d dangled that word to Parker just like I’d dangled the word cursed, but I’d never really understood it until now. Until he’d been inside me, and we’d become one. Not just physically but in every single molecule of our being.
When we parted, it was almost painful. I almost wept, and I wasn’t sure I could blame it on baby hormones.
As he started moving away, I caught him by the hips and held him close.
His eyes met mine, and in the flicker of the candlelight, what I saw in those depths had my entire soul relaxing.
“I love you,” I said. It wasn’t a whisper. It wasn’t hesitant. It was the simple truth.
“I know,” he said. And I rolled my eyes and smacked his ass. He chuckled, but then his smile disappeared, and the same look returned to his eyes that I’d seen in the chapel. “I love you too. So much that I’m not even sure that’s the right word for it. Love seems too benign. Too underrated.”
My heart swooned even more than it had when I’d seen the romantic setting he’d assembled for me—for us.
His fingers lingered on the knot on my forehead, which was still an ugly mix of colors.
“I’m not sure this was the easy activity the doctor ordered,” he said gently.
He pushed up and away from the bed, and the cool air of the hotel air conditioner wasn’t the only reason I felt cold. I wanted him with me always. How did people survive without their other half joined to them? It felt impossible.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
I watched as he strode toward the tub in front of the windows.
His body was a work of art. Cut and defined.
Hard and powerful. I could lie here forever watching him and be happy.
That was as startling of a thought as the need to keep him close had been, because I usually didn’t like to sit still for long any more than I liked to be smothered.
Parker turned on the tub’s faucet, running his fingers in the water until it met with his approval before adding some liquid from one of the handful of bottles sitting in a tray hanging off the side.
As the tub filled, he popped the cork on the champagne and poured it into two glasses. He set those on the tray as well.
Finally, he came back to me and stretched out his hand. “Wife.”
I smiled and let him pull me up. The room spun a bit. It had been a really long day, and I hadn’t had a chance to rest as I had this weekend. But there was no way I’d admit any of that to him, not when he’d gone over and above to make this night special.
Not when I finally had everything I’d ever wanted.
And that was when a new truth hit me. JJ had done me a favor, and whoever had shot at us had done me another, because those events had broken down the walls between Parker and me. We were finally where we belonged.
Parker swooped me into his arms again, and I chuckled. “My leg muscles are going to atrophy if you keep refusing to let me use them.”
He nuzzled his nose into my neck. “Humor me while I get accustomed to being able to do this.”
He set me in the tub and then stepped in behind me.
The heat instantly soothed my tired muscles.
The soft scent of citrus and clove filled the air, combining with the wildflowers that littered almost every surface.
It could have been too much. It could have been overpowering.
Instead, I knew it would be a scent I’d remember for the rest of my life as equaling love.
I rebraided my hair quickly to keep it out of the water a bit, and when I’d finished, Parker pulled me back into his chest. His fingers slowly caressed as his lips trailed kisses over my shoulders. My skin puckered into goosebumps, even though the water was steamy and warm.
He grabbed the two flutes, handing me one, which I would only take a sip of with the baby.
I’d had none of the chef’s at dinner. I turned slightly in his arms so I could see his eyes.
“Thank you for making tonight more than I ever imagined it could be.” I swallowed hard.
“Now, I need you to promise me something.”
He didn’t reply, but his brows furrowed.
“If…” I inhaled deeply, trying to get the courage to say what I needed.
“If it becomes too much… me, the baby, the ranch, Theo… I need you to be honest about it. To tell me. I know this is an adjustment for you. You’ve gone from never wanting anything serious, let alone marriage, to having a ready-made family. ”
He tilted his head, thoughtful, and then said, “It’s the strangest thing, Ducky, but nothing has ever felt more right in my life. Like, what I’d had before was all pretend, and this is what is real. I told you earlier, it’s like someone yanked a hood from my head, and I can finally see.”
“When do you expect the team to be called back?” I asked.
“I’m not going back.”
He’d been talking this way all day—as if his career was over. I started to shake my head, but he cut me off.
“I was due to sign a new contract in September, but I’m not going to. I’ll use up my vacation time until the paperwork goes through. I’m not leaving you.”
With a shaky hand, I set the flute on the tray and awkwardly turned around in the water. “Please don’t say that. Please don’t do that. I’ll never forgive myself for costing you your dream.”
The lights of The Strip from outside the windows flickered across his face, casting colored shadows the candles in the room competed with, and in that mix of shadow and light, I caught a glimpse of the SEAL again.
The honorable man so determined and strong and brave that it was impossible to doubt him.
“It’s what I want, Ducky,” he said, sincerity and sureness ringing in his tone.
“Those old dreams…they feel like ones a child made. Self-centered. Inward-looking. I realize now, looking back over the last few years, my time on the teams has turned into nothing more than a job I was good at, and one I did with some people I liked. I kept feeling this ache when I was out in the field… this loneliness… I didn’t even realize it, but I’d already started imagining new dreams—ones with you.
It just took my life flipping sideways for the clouds to clear enough for me to see it. ”
I shook my head, fingers sliding along his jaw as my heart ached, but I wasn’t sure who it was for. Him or me or us? The teams for losing him? “But what about the promise to your grandfather? To continue the Steele legacy.”
“He forgave my dad for getting out, understood the reasons. I’d like to believe he’d forgive me too. That he loved me enough to want me to be happy more than he’d want me to get some useless trophy.”
I didn’t know how to respond, but my heart still ached.
“Those months when you stopped texting me…”
I started to apologize, and he put a wet finger to my lips to stop me before he continued, “I was more lost than I’d ever been.
Hollow. Empty. I don’t want to feel that way again.
When I’m with you, that’s when I feel complete.
Whole. Learning to be a dad and a husband are the challenges that interest me now.
And figuring out what comes next, what I’ll do with the skills I’ve earned, is more exciting than I’d imagined it would be.
I have some ideas. Actually, the flight here this morning presented me with some new possibilities. ”
I wrapped my legs around his waist, and the water sloshed closer to the top of the tub. The length of him pushed against me. Hard and ready. Distracting me.
“Are you going to tell me what those ideas were or make me guess?” I asked and then slowly trailed kisses down his jaw, along his neck, and over his shoulders. His entire body stiffened, large hands gripping my waist.
“I’m not sure I can form a coherent thought with you wrapped around me like this, Wife.”
My hands surrounded him under the water, a slow, sudsy stroke that had him throwing his head back and groaning.
Every part of me lit up at that picture, the simple fact it was me who’d made him react that way.
I continued my trail of kisses, wet and open-mouthed, as my hands moved, finding a rhythm that had his hips thrusting in the water.
A tiny wave crested and broke over the edge of the tub.
We were going to make a mess. We were going to be those newlyweds who Dad’s staff complained about, and I didn’t care.
This, me bringing him up and over the crest, was all that mattered.
When he was worked up, almost to the summit, I pulled back.
His head jerked up, dark eyes meeting mine, and I gave him my best saucy smile. “Tell me your plans, Kermit, and I’ll finish what I started.”