Chapter 32 #2
“What are you guys doing out in the rain?” he whispered, feeling silly.
He stumbled back, heart beating a staccato rhythm as he gaped at them. They were there for him. Nicholas smiled, unsure of how he knew that.
He listened intently, as if he expected them to speak to him. All was quiet. His shoulders and his smile fell in unison.
A presence pushed at his back, and he spun, scanning the room for a possible intruder. Zeke watched him closely from his doggy bed. Kai had already fallen asleep.
Nicholas narrowed his gaze on Ezekiel, focusing hard on mentally transmitting his question.
Is that you?
He received no reply, dismissing his wild thoughts once Zeke lowered his head to his front paws, eyes drifting shut.
Nicholas laughed without sound, shoving his hands into his hair. Apparently, he was losing his mind without Gabriel. But then he felt it again, like a soft breeze caressing his shoulder. When he looked, Zeke’s tired gaze bore into him.
This time, his laugh was pure manic. Quiet, vibrating mania. Sleep, he told himself. What he needed was sleep.
But first…
Nicholas faced the gigantic butterflies again, transfixed by them. He opened the window before his brain even gave the command.
The rain was resounding, making its way inside. He’d been about to follow the silent pull onto the fire escape, but lightning flashed again, causing something to gleam in the corner of the room.
A gold cigarette tin and lighter rested on his desk. Gabriel must have left it there during his last visit.
Nicholas glanced at his bedroom doorway again before reaching for the items.
Don’t react.
He withdrew one of the handrolls, bringing the thin cigarette to his nose, inhaling the length of it. He’d never smoked before, never had the urge, but his stomach rumbled for it now.
Could it be Gabriel he craved at that moment? That the smell of spiced tobacco reminded Nicholas of him, of how he hungered for him?
Would he enjoy smoking? The taste of it? It wasn’t like he had to worry about the side effects or concern himself with how sinful it was. Maybe he’d like it. Maybe this was something that could be his. He wouldn’t know unless he tried. Wasn’t that his plan? To try?
He slowly folded himself through the window, not wanting to startle his beautiful butterflies.
His.
They sure felt that way.
He sat on the window ledge, undeterred by the rain soaking through his jeans. It took a few seconds to figure out which end of the handroll to light, then a minute to get the hang of inhaling without choking. He made sure none of the smoke went near his new friends.
Nicholas’s limbs loosened in increments, his troubles taking a back seat. He could see what made this so appealing to Gabriel. The act of smoking was measured, calming, and fun once he figured out the art of creating smoke rings.
“Looks like I’ve found a habit that’s all mine,” he whispered to Blue and Yellow, naming them on the spot. “Well, mine and Gabriel’s, but that’s okay.”
Nicholas waited for the deep-seated guilt to come knocking, the one that came from years of religious dedication. The righteous voices in his head didn’t make a peep. He relit the dampened cigarette for the third time, successfully taking one more drag before the spark died again.
Thunder cracked, rippling across the dark sky. Nicholas turned to Blue and Yellow, afraid they’d be scared away. They batted their large wings, and Nicholas instinctively held a palm out. Blue perched on his pinky finger, and Yellow landed on his thumb.
Nicholas chuckled, hunching and cradling his hand close, using his body to shield them from the rain.
It took Gabriel pointing it out for him, but Nicholas supposed animals had always been drawn to him. It seemed the same could be said about insects, too.
Zayn loved animals, and animals loved him. At that moment, Nicholas didn’t care, couldn’t find it in himself to feel resentful. If anything, for the first time, he felt oddly grateful to the beautiful man.
“Okay, I’m all wet. It’s time for me to go inside.” He didn’t move, and neither did they. He couldn’t bring himself to leave them stranded. How would their delicate wings survive? How had they survived up to this point?
Carefully, he brought them in with him, leaving the window open a smidge in case they wanted to leave. They took flight, fluttering over to the far wall.
Nicholas stared down at the small puddle forming at his wet feet, deciding to suck it up and head for the bathroom.
He avoided glancing at the bed, not ready yet, and he would need to put on fresh sheets.
Dried and changed, he grabbed a clean set of linens from his closet, making his way back to the bedroom. He froze, one foot in front of the other, sheets cascading to the floor. The apartment was still pitched in darkness, but he didn’t need light to see by.
He reached the nightstand on shaky legs, hand absently tracing his neck.
Falling to his knees, he lifted the thin gold chain he hadn’t seen since the night of his transition. Nicholas assumed it’d been swept away by the current, but here it was, shining like a beacon.
What was it doing there? The clasp was new, as though it had been broken and fixed.
Gabriel.
Beneath it rested a Bible, leather-bound, green like the forest. Nicholas had never seen it before. A handwritten note rested beside it. He breathed evenly, reminding himself to remain steady.
Nicholas, I have been researching your God, as well as the God of countless others.
I was determined to find a place for you, to find a deity wise enough to know that in you they have something true, something good.
A gift that should be most treasured. I came across many doctrines offering differing opinions, many spiritual beliefs providing alternate interpretations.
But one sentiment seems to be unanimous.
God welcomes all sinners, and He never forsakes His people.
If this is to be believed, then it means He is waiting with open arms for your return. Find Him. Find the faith you never truly wanted to walk away from.
Religion did not exist in Saraad, Nicholas. This is all yours.
Nicholas latched the chain around his neck, the crucifix coming to rest like an old friend in the cleft of his collarbone. A single tear fell onto the letter in his lap, staining it red.
Blue and Yellow fluttered in, the beat of their wings matching the rhythm of his heart. They rested on his shoulders, waging peace within his internal war.
He closed his eyes, counting his breaths, letting tranquility consume him.
He was ready.
Up ahead, in the dark maze of his mind, three doors rippled then solidified. Two were only slightly ajar.
Hamza and Marcus.
The one in the center was thrown wide open.
Gabriel.
He approached them, blocking Marcus and Hamza easily. Gabriel took more effort, more concentration, and more surety.
Nicholas wrapped his hand tightly around the knob, sending out one last wave of emotion, hoping Gabriel received it before slamming and locking the door.
Thank you.