Chapter 34 #2
This whole experiment wasn’t only about himself, Nicholas realized. It was an opportunity for him to truly get to know Mateo and to offer a type of unconditional love and support that he’d never been able to give to him before.
“It’s legal. In case you didn’t know.”
Nicholas shrugged. “It wouldn’t matter. I’d never rat you out, and I’d still be your friend.”
They fell silent for a while, Zeke crossing between.
“Do you have more? For later?” Nicholas asked.
“Uh, yeah?”
“Then why wait on that one? Let’s get the party started now.”
Nicholas wasn’t even sure if drugs would have the intended effect on him. Maybe it would just offer a short-lived calm, like the scent and act of smoking tobacco did.
Mateo’s cocky grin lit up the room, and he snatched the gold lighter off Nicholas’s desk. Gabriel’s gold lighter.
“Wait!” Nicholas held a hand up, and Mateo eyed him expectantly.
He wanted to order him to put it down, to never touch it again.
It was all he had left of Gabriel. That and the few hand-rolls he hadn’t smoked yet.
He’d been saving them, taking a few pulls every night as he got himself off before bed.
It was the only way he could eventually get to sleep.
“What’s wrong?”
Nicholas slowly lowered his hand. It was just a lighter.
“This is his, isn’t it?” Mateo whispered.
“Yeah, but you can use it. It’s fine. Really.”
“Actually, I kind of like using my own. Makes it burn more evenly for some reason.”
Mateo tossed him the lighter. He caught it, slipping it into the pocket of his blazer. The weight was comforting, preoccupying his thoughts like an obsession.
Mateo dug through his bag for his own lighter, bringing the flame to the joint before taking a pull.
“See?” he said, eyeing the ember. “An even burn.”
Nicholas had a feeling his friend was full of it, but he huffed a laugh he didn’t feel anyway.
“Thank you.”
“It takes time,” Mateo said.
Nicholas understood what he meant by that, and was scared he might be wrong. He searched his mind for Gabriel’s door, resting his forehead against it.
“Do you still have all that makeup you used to wear?”
Nicholas’s forehead wrinkled. “It should be around here somewhere. Why?”
Mateo gave him an innocent look that only made him look guilty.
“No. Absolutely not.”
Mateo had been the one to teach him how to apply makeup. He was one of the most masculine-presenting men that Nicolas knew, but sometimes they’d had to do things they wouldn’t have normally done for the job.
“That isn’t me, Mateo.” He gestured down his body. “This isn’t even me.”
“How do you know?”
“Um, because I’m pretty sure I hated every moment of that time in my life.”
Mateo’s tone turned serious.
“Because you were living a lie. You weren’t working with the truth because you didn’t get to choose.
Now you do. Now you get to try on all sorts of hats, even ones you’ve worn before, and you get to decide if they fit the person you are now.
You get to decide, Nicky. But you can’t if you don’t try. ”
Nicholas thought about that, gazing down at himself again. He’d once told Gabriel that this wasn’t the way he preferred to dress, that he did so for the men who paid him for sex. What if that wasn’t true? Or what if how he normally dressed wasn’t the only truth?
“What do you say?” Mateo’s troublemaker glint entered the conversation.
“I say I need to smoke.”
He accepted the joint, pulling on it the way he did with Gabriel’s cigarettes.
The burn wasn’t as intense, and it didn’t make him feel closer to Gabriel. That was a good thing, he thought, while feeling around his pocket for just a quick touch of the lighter.
“Lipstick,” Mateo said.
“Eyeliner,” Nicholas countered.
Mateo accepted, making another request.
“Blush.”
He shook his head. He blushed enough as it was; adding extra would only make him look like a tomato.
“Mascara,” he offered instead. It brought out the intensity of his large eyes, making them more captivating.
He’d never thought about it like that before, and he stood there stunned that he felt that way about it now.
“Eyeshadow.”
“No. It makes men want me more.” He surprised himself with that admission. But it was the truth. A truth that didn’t fill him with shame like it once had.
“Is that a bad thing?” Mateo hedged. “Maybe we should add dating to the list.”
“No.” He left no room for negotiation. “That’s a hard boundary. Please don’t cross it again.”
His chest constricted, and he felt around for the gold lighter again.
Obsession.
Obsession
Obsession.
“Okay. Noted. Eyeliner and mascara, it is. And maybe a cat-eye?”
Nicholas shook his head, grinning over at his friend.
Mateo had never had this with him before.
They’d never gotten fancy for a night out together, never smoked together, never even listened to music together—and Mateo loved music.
Nicholas loved seeing him happy, but it made him wonder if he’d ever truly seen him happy before.
“Deal,” he said, unable to deny him.
Nicholas looked like a gothic nightmare by the time Mateo was through with him. An erotic gothic nightmare. He shut himself inside his bedroom, not wanting eyes on him as he worked through his feelings. Not even Zeke’s or Kai’s.
He started with his eyes, lightly stroking beneath them, in awe of how a smudge of black pencil could make them look so dramatic, so moody.
Lipstick was a step too far for his tastes, but Mateo talked him into some shiny gloss. It made his mouth look fuller, pinker, and made the bow in his top lip more pronounced.
He skated a trembling finger through the slight cleft in his chin, past the crucifix circling his throat.
He’d wanted to take it off, but Mateo said it made him look sinful and that it was a good thing.
Nicholas was sinful, impure, and severely flawed.
But he was no longer ashamed of it, because he was coming to accept that God loved him anyway.
He caressed the top half of the heart-shaped birthmark peeking above the low neckline of his top. An inch lower and his whole nipple would be exposed. It made him feel daring.
Months ago, he would’ve judged himself harshly for wearing what he had on and for his current thoughts. Everything had been reduced to what he thought he should look like—or act like—to be worthy of God’s grace.
Now every scripture provided new meaning, every prayer and confession now whispered directly into God’s listening ear. No church. No priest. Just Nicholas and God.
What a difference a handful of days spent being changed by Gabriel’s letter to him could make.
Obsession.
Obsession.
Obsession.
Nicholas tilted his head, staring himself up and down in the mirror. He felt… sexy. For once, he saw the sensuality in the way he stood, in the way he held his head, in the way his cheeks flushed from admiring himself so boldly.
He touched his parted lips, felt his soft breath fan across his fingertips, and he skirted his other hand across his rigid abdomen.
There was a fragility to him that had nothing to do with weakness. He looked pliant, warm and ready, soft and inviting.
He blinked slowly, falling in love with himself, with the look of rapture taking over him.
Was this what Gabriel saw when he looked at him?
A soft knock sounded on his bedroom door. “Nicky? The show starts soon. We don’t want to be late.”
“Coming.” He blushed harder at the huskiness in his tone, stroking the warmth of his cheeks in wonder.
His gaze flashed blue before dropping to the bulge tenting his jeans.
Images of Gabriel on his back while he rode his cock blinded Nicholas, and he pressed the heel of his palm against his erection.
Obsession.
Obsession.
Obsession.
“Not now,” he whispered, breathing deeply until his eyes were brown again, until his cock no longer threatened his zipper seam.
He disappeared into the closet one last time before throwing the bedroom door open.
Mateo eyed him and the stilettos he’d changed into.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I thought you said the boots were more you.”
“I’m starting to realize…”
He stopped himself because ‘realize’ wasn’t the correct word. It implied that what he’d been about to say was something he’d never considered until now, until tonight. What he felt was something that had been building over time, ever since his transition.
He offered a wicked grin before trying again.
“I’m starting to believe that I can be more than one thing.”