Chapter Nineteen
Kytten
We pulled into the familiar lot. The last time I was here I was hiding behind a tomb, listening to him talk to her. I had never done this before. Never been to a cemetery and talked to the dead.
I knew my mother was dead. I didn’t know how or where, but I knew who. Now, I even suspected the reason why. One day he would be dead, too. He wouldn’t get a grave, though. Not one anyone knew about. He didn’t deserve mourners. He didn’t deserve people to grieve for him.
The feel of his hand on my leg centered me, and I let go of the breath I had inadvertently held on to.
“You okay?”
“Yea.” I tried to smile. He hated my fake smile, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for a real smile either. He leaned back and pulled my face forward, kissing me.
“Come on.” I climbed off the bike, and he followed. Taking my hand, he led me down the path to her grave. I didn’t know why I was nervous. I knew she wasn’t really here. Did a ghost still have the power to judge you? Would she find me as lacking as I found myself?
We stopped in front of the marble stone. Her name was carved in a flourish unlike the block lettering of the graves around her.
“Hey, Rach. I miss you, babe. So much.”
My eyes filled with tears at hearing the way he spoke to her. It was strange, though. They weren’t from jealousy, but from pain. I could feel his pain, his loss, and my heart ached for him.
“This is Rose.” He turned to me and smiled with tears in his eyes. “My old lady.” When he turned back, he continued speaking to her. “She’s a little shy, but you’d like her, babe. She’s a badass who saves women and children from abuse. Oh, and get this, she’s Mimic’s baby sister.”
I elbowed him, and he laughed. “Okay, he’s only older by twenty minutes, but it still counts.
” He squeezed my hand. I still hadn’t spoken a word.
“Mimic has a twin sister; can you believe that? Yeah, and he’s only twenty-one.
Which means he was sixteen when he showed up at the club. You were right, babe.”
I turned my head to Cash; Thorne was sixteen when he joined the club? That’s so young.
You were fourteen when you started working with the Nyght Nymphs.
That was different, though.
How?
I didn’t know. It just was.
“Anyway, I told you I’d bring her by so you could meet her. Your cut looks good on her. Still think I should have bought her a new one. You should have been buried with yours. But I did like you asked.”
I hadn’t told him about the letter I’d found in the pocket. I wasn’t ready to read it yet. Maybe after today. I looked up at Cash and smiled.
“Can I have a few minutes alone?”
“You gonna complain to her about me?”
I looked at the headstone and chuckled. “Maybe.”
He smiled back and kissed the top of my head. He did that a lot. Our height difference was comical, and the top of my head was easy to reach.
“Don’t believe a word she says, Rach. I’m absolutely perfect.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of me as the wind picked up and the trees swayed. It felt a little like Rachel responded with ‘yeah, right.’
He walked away, and I watched his ass until he was far enough away that he couldn’t hear me. “He’s got a great ass, doesn’t he?” The wind picked up again, and I knew then she agreed.
I turned around to face her. Positioning myself directly in front of her headstone, I sat cross-legged on the ground.
“I found the letter you left me. I haven’t read it yet.
Not sure I’m ready.” Wind blew over my face like a caress, and I tipped my face to the sky.
“I don’t deserve him. But thank you for letting me have him.
I’ll do my best to love him and take care of him.
He’ll never forget you. I won’t let him. ”
Absently, I picked at the blades of grass. I looked over my shoulder to see where he was. To make sure he was far enough away before I turned back.
“I remember you. There’s a picture in his room of you. You were so beautiful. Especially that day. I haven’t told him yet. Not sure how to bring it up. Maybe when I tell him about the letter. She’s doing okay. There’s a little trouble coming, but we’ll protect her.”
My words died off. I wasn’t sure how to do this.
“How did you know? We spoke for only a few minutes, but somehow you knew, didn’t you? It’s why you left me that letter. It’s why I haven’t read it yet. He’s gonna be mad, you know. At both of us, when I tell him.”
The wind carried her words to me. ‘He’s all bark and no bite.’
“I’m scared, Rachel. I’m afraid if he learns the truth, he won’t want me. But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep my secrets. Can I tell you? Will you listen?”
The burst of wind was so strong it lifted my hair from my neck. Tears spilled over as I told Rachel my secret. I told her everything, and the monsters stayed asleep.
“I hate that you had to die for me to be here. You would have made a great friend.”
I stood up and looked for Cash. He ran over when he saw me swipe away a tear.
“You okay, Rose?”
“Yea, Rachel’s a great listener.” He pulled me into his arms and held me as we stood there with her for a few more minutes.
“You can come talk to her anytime.” He let me go and crouched down in front of her headstone. “Thank you, babe. I’ll always love you.”
Talking to Rachel had been cathartic. I told her about Mom and the man who took her. I told her about Thorne and how we lost each other for so long. And I told her about Amber and my feelings about Val. I told her everything.
Now I needed to talk to my brother.
When we returned from the cemetery, I asked Cash for Thorne’s knife. I wanted to talk to Thorne and tell him what happened. I held the knife in my hand as I searched for my brother. I found him in the kitchen with Charlie.
“Thorne, can we talk?”
“Hey, Charlie-Pop, let’s go over and see how Auntie Beck is feeling,” Blade called out from the door.
“Okay, bye, Mimic; bye, Kytten.” Charlie waved and ran to Blade.
“I already texted Sam and Jack to let them know I have her, brother. Go talk to your sister.”
I thanked him with a smile and turned to my brother. “Well?”
“Sure,” he answered as he began cleaning up the snack he and Charlie were eating.
“I want to tell you what happened when Valhalla found me.”
That got his attention, and he sat down at the table. I held the knife in my lap. The weight heavier than I remembered. Maybe it was the weight of the truth.
I told him everything. How I wandered around looking for him for two days. About the homeless man who found me in the dumpster and tried to pull me out. And how Val killed him and took me home.
I told him about the first birthday without him, but I couldn’t form the words to tell him about the knife. I held it firmly in my hands as though I was drawing strength from it to get the words out.
But before I could tell him about the last birthday, he said, “So you gave me shit about Sam, and you had Val. She’s your mom.”
“Valhalla isn’t my mom. She’s Amber’s mom.”
The loud gasp from the doorway had us both turning. I felt the blood drain from my face when I saw Amber standing there.
“What the fuck did you just say?”
I slowly stood, tucking the knife into my back pocket. “Amber, you weren’t supposed to—”
“What did you say, Kytten?”
I clamped my mouth shut. I fucked up. Val would hate me now. Cash would be pissed. I looked at my brother; his stunned expression told me he had no idea who Amber was.
“Is Valhalla my mother?” she asked.
I didn’t answer; I couldn’t. I was frozen in my spot as Amber’s anger grew. I swallowed audibly, trying to dislodge the lump that had formed in my throat.
“FUCKING ANSWER ME!”
I jumped at her angry words. I still couldn’t confirm it out loud, so I nodded. “Amber—”
“Don’t. Just fucking don’t.” She held her hand up and stood there for a few minutes. “Who else knows?”
“I...”
“Who, Kytten?”
“I’m not sure. I know Sypher knows.”
“Dante?” Her eyes bored into mine, and I didn’t dare deny her an answer, so I shook my head. Dante didn’t know.
“I assume she knows?” I nodded again. “Did she know in Louisiana?” My head went up and down without my say so. Confirming what she thought. “That fucking bitch.”
“She’s not a bitch. She was protecting you.”
My words came out now. My shame replaced with anger. How dare she talk about Val that way. She didn’t know her. Not really.
“She walked away. My whole life she walked away.”
“She didn’t. You were taken away from her. She searched for you everywhere. She never stopped looking. You were always the most important thing. When she found you, she forgot about everyone else. She forgot about me!” I yelled.
“She fucking chose you,” Amber sneered, then stomped out of the kitchen.
“Rosebud.” Thorne touched my arm, and I turned an icy glare on my brother. “Talk to me.”
“Why? What’s the point? You won’t believe me. You won’t believe anything. Moms sacrifice for their kids. Val sacrificed her relationship with her daughter so she could be safe. Our mom did the same thing.”
He rolled his eyes at me, and I punched him in the gut, making him double over in pain. “When you’re ready to listen to the truth, come find me.”
“Rose,” he called out, but I barely heard him. The monsters were waking up now. I woke them. I needed them.
Running down the hall, I heard a door open as I took the stairs two at a time. I didn’t look back to see who it was. My name being called sounded like a whisper as the monsters begged to be let out.
I made it to Cash’s room and slammed the door shut, locking it behind me. I dug the knife from my pocket and stripped off my clothes. Entering the bathroom, I sat on the edge of the tub. Holding the knife in my hand, I stared at it.
They were in my head. They woke up and demanded payment to take the feelings away. The shame, the anger, the loss. I would lose everything now.
Val would hate me when she found out what I’d done. Cash would be disappointed. He told me he would never leave, but he didn’t deserve someone so broken.
So weak.
I traced the vine on my leg. Dammit! Why did I have to be this way?
You don’t. You can choose to feel. You can choose to face those feelings head-on. Don’t do what I did. Don’t hide it from him. Tell him the truth.
I heard her voice in my head. Tears slipped down my face as I stared at the knife. I hadn’t even realized I’d opened it.
“I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.”
Let him be your strength. He’s big enough to carry the load. And he wants to. Let him protect you. It’s who he is.
I heard the door to his room crash open. “ROSE!” His shout came seconds before he filled the doorway. I looked up at him with a watery smile.
“I don’t want to be this person anymore.”