Chapter Fifteen #2
Suddenly, I feel like I’ve stepped into another dimension.
I’m not sure how we got from where we were this afternoon to here.
Part of me knows it’s mutual sexual attraction between us, the other part of me wonders if we’re just sick of fighting it.
Lord, I’ve been fighting it for so long, and I don’t want to give in, just to have our relationship be over.
“No they aren’t, and if that’s the case, I think we should finish the shower and get you in bed. ”
And those are the hardest words I’ve ever spoken in my life.
Please don’t pull away from me, I beg in my head.
I like this Holden, like that he’s willing to show me a part of himself he never has before.
Sitting with him in the booth earlier today and being with him tonight have made this whole situation I’ve been thrown into almost worth it.
He clears his throat. “Maybe you’re right.”
The coldness I feel when he leaves me is like the frigid temperature of Antarctica, and this time my teeth begin to chatter.
Gone is the warm fuzzy feeling I’d had a few minutes ago, and in its place is the coolness I’ve felt most of my life.
I know he doesn’t mean it, but it’s like we’ve thrown ice-cold water on one another.
Without any of the playfulness we’d had minutes ago, we finish the shower, and I help him dry off and get dressed. In the end, his eyes are droopy and I know it was for the best that I called off whatever was going to happen between us. He’s done for, and I think we both know it.
“Are you going to lie down with me?” he asks quietly as we walk into the bedroom we’ve shared since I moved in.
Tonight, I’m wondering how in the hell we’ve kept our hands off one another every night.
How have we been so successful in avoiding the way both of us feel?
What changed? Maybe that’s the question I should be asking.
What the hell changed? Why do I feel so close to him tonight?
“Do you want me to?”
I don’t want to pressure him, especially after what happened in the bathroom. Neither one of us needs the temptation or honestly the frustration.
“I hate being alone when I’m sick,” he admits.
“Which is totally different from how you are all the rest of the time.” I wink.
“It’s true, normally I love my alone time. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but when I’m sick,” he shakes his head as if to say I am who I am, “I like to have company.”
“Then you’ll have company, just let me go make sure everything is turned off and the doors are locked.”
I quickly pad back into the living room, make sure everything is taken care of, and get back to him for the night.
At the doorway to our bedroom, I stop quickly.
He’s lying on the bed, propped up by some pillows, looking so much like a little kid.
Holden barely lets his guard down with anyone, and right now there is nothing in between us.
I’ll hold onto this memory forever. It doesn’t take me long to get ready and hop in next to him.
“It’s your turn to the pick the movie,” he tells me as I come back into the room. He’s already got the TV on, Netflix queued up on the screen.
“You sure? You’re sick, maybe I should let you pick it.”
“I can almost guarantee I’ll be out before this movie is an hour in. You pick what you want.”
On impulse, I pick a love story. One I’ve seen a million times. “I always wanted someone to dance with me like this.” I snuggle in next to him, allowing him to wrap me in his arms.
As he watches Patrick Swayze shake his hips on the screen, he snorts. “I’m not your dance partner if that’s the kind of dancing you want.”
“We could take lessons,” I suggest, turning my face so that ours are inches apart in the darkness of the room. Only the TV lights the way for us to see one another.
“You want me to take dance lessons with you?”
“I’m sure they offer them in Birmingham.” I’m quick to make a suggestion. The confession had been uttered before I realized what I was saying, and then the invitation to take lessons hadn’t been thought through either.
We’re quiet for a long time, and I wonder if he’s not even going to give me an answer. Maybe this is the time I’ve overstepped my boundaries and I’ve asked too much of him.
“Does it mean something to you?” His question is whispered in the relative silence of the room.
I shrug. “Just something I always wanted to do.”
I’m downplaying it, and I think he knows.
“Leigh, if we want this to work, you have to be honest with me. There’s no other way we can make it if you’re not.”
He’s already done so much for me, I hate to lay this on him as well, but I brought it up, and he’s asking, so I’m going to give him the whole spiel. Doesn’t matter in the end anyway, because I don’t know if this marriage is forever or not anyway.
“When I was ten, I saw that movie for the first time.”
He interrupts me. “Are you shitting me? That’s a sexual movie for a ten-year-old.”
“Remember what family I come from.” I raise an eyebrow and he motions for me to continue.
“From that point on, I had it in my head that on my wedding day, my husband and I would do a portion of that last dance, including the lift,” I laugh as I say it now.
“Never in my life have I trusted anyone to hold me up like that, and without a doubt, I knew even then that the man I married would have my trust. I’d trust him enough not to drop me, for me to let go, and spread my wings as far as I could. ”
I stop, biting my lip, not going any further. I glance at him, giving him a tilt of my mouth. “Stupid, huh?”
“Not stupid.” He grabs my hand in his. “Am I the man to have that trust?” His brown eyes search mine, looking for something I’m not sure I’m ready to give.
“It doesn’t matter why we got married, Holden,” I whisper, because it’s the only way I can get through this. I’m about to lay some truth out, and hope he hears it loud and clear. “I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t trust you.”
He makes a sound in his throat, one I’m not sure of what origin, but I squeal happily as he pulls me into his chest. “Thank you for that gift.”
“Thank you for keeping me safe.”
As we’re both drifting off, I can feel him push my hair back from my forehead, and in that hoarse voice I can hear him speak. “If keeping you safe is the only reason you think I married you, Leigh, you aren’t lookin’ hard enough at what I’m trying to show you.”