Chapter 1 #2
Ren knew that Ash and Lennox were staring at them like they were an episode of their favorite Netflix show, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Seth’s.
Why couldn’t he see through him? Why couldn’t he see what made him tick? Why couldn’t he unlock his mysteries . . . in bed? Because that was where he wanted him, right?
Right?
“You know why I’m saying it. I want you. You want me.” It was arrogant, maybe, but what else could Ren do when faced with this implacable calm?
It was annoying. It made him want to ruffle it.
The same way Seth had ruffled him.
Ren braced himself for the second rejection, but instead, Seth stood.
“Come on,” he said, “we should talk about this privately.”
“That . . .” That’s what I was trying to do when I said I needed to talk to you.
But then he hadn’t waited, he’d just blurted it out, all desperation and a hell of a lot of misplaced hope.
“Did you really want to discuss this in front of Lennox and Ash?” Seth asked as he walked towards the little hallway that Ren knew contained both the bathrooms and Jackson’s—who owned the Funky Cup with his brother, Shaw—office.
“I . . .” Ren hated how indecisive he sounded.
The hallway was empty.
Seth leaned back against one of the walls.
It was really a very narrow hallway. All Ren would have to do was lean forward and they’d touch.
They’d never actually touched before. Even when Seth had done his whole “starting over” routine. He had very specifically not extended his hand for Ren to shake.
And honestly, Ren couldn’t blame him, because if they did, he wasn’t sure he would trust himself either.
“I guess you didn’t care.” Seth’s voice didn’t sound damning, it sounded contemplative.
“Sex isn’t something anyone should be ashamed of,” Ren said. On the other hand, he sounded annoyingly defensive.
“No, but I consider it my private business.”
Ren hated how this man made him feel out of control. Out of control and petty. “That’s because you’re not having any.”
“But I could be.” The insult just glanced off of Seth, and he looked speculative. Like he was actually considering it.
Even though Ren knew he wasn’t.
“I asked, didn’t I?” Ren took a step closer, even though he hadn’t meant to.
In the dim light of the hallway, Seth’s eyes looked almost mossy green.
He had several days’ worth of reddish-gold scruff on his face, and he was so much everything that Ren wanted over him and under him and around him that it didn’t even matter that he wasn’t close to the hottest guy he’d ever been with.
He wanted to know what it would be like to have all that straightforwardness, all that honesty, focused on him.
“You did.” Seth sighed. “And I wish you hadn’t.”
It shouldn’t have hurt.
But the sting of it made Ren reckless. Even more reckless than usual.
He was so close now, if he tipped his head back, he could pick out the hundred different shades of green in Seth’s eyes. The nearness of him lit something inside of him, in a place that felt like it hadn’t been touched by anyone else.
“I know you want me.”
Ren could feel it. Like a separate entity with them in the hallway. His lust had form and shape and weight. Just the same as Ren’s own.
Why was he fighting this?
“That’s why I wish you hadn’t asked.” Seth’s voice was low, rough. “I’m only a man.”
“Having trouble resisting?” Ren teased. It would be so easy to just lean in, another few inches, and press his lips against Seth’s.
It would be so good.
Ren had never been more certain of anything in his whole life.
The sex would be so hot, it would burn Seth out of his system for good. Ren was sure of it.
If he could just persuade him to give in . . .
He leaned in another inch.
Not quite far enough, but close enough that he could see Seth’s jaw clench.
Men always wanted Ren; that was definitely not new. But he’d never felt so accomplished than he did right at this moment.
“This isn’t a good idea.” Seth’s voice was quiet, but it carried. Hit Ren like a series of bombs.
“But . . .” Ren felt numb. Like defeat had just been snatched from the jaws of victory. “But you want me.”
Seth reached out and pressed a single finger against Ren’s mouth. It was rough, calloused. Glorious. Ren wanted to bite it. “I do want you. Doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”
And then he was gone, and Ren didn’t know what to think about it.
Lie.
He knew exactly what he thought about it.
That it was total and complete bullshit.
Seth Abramson took one deep, shaky breath, and then another.
He’d walked out of the bar five minutes ago, away from Lorenzo and the clear plea in his bedroom eyes, but his breathing still hadn’t returned to normal.
When Seth had turned him down six months ago, he’d never expected that Ren would ever ask again.
After all, it wasn’t like Ren was lacking in admirers.
Just tonight he’d been out on a date. And though Ash and Ren weren’t particularly close, Seth heard enough gossip that he knew after he’d turned Ren down, Ren had gone about his regular routine.
It had been what had convinced Seth that he’d made the right call.
Not that he blamed Ren for his lifestyle; he was happy with it, and he’d chosen it, clear-eyed, without a hint of shame. And there was something admirable about that.
It wasn’t what Seth would’ve done. Not with his history. But the lack of shame had been refreshing. He’d almost enjoyed watching Ren enjoy himself.
But still . . . having him ask again, that had not been something Seth had ever anticipated would happen.
He definitely had not expected that the question would come phrased as a strongly worded suggestion either.
Or that Ren would deliver it with that desperate look in his eyes, like if he didn’t have Seth—and that was him, which was kind of blowing his mind—he wouldn’t be able to live with it.
Seth had always assumed that it was because he didn’t get turned down often, and Ren’s pride was smarting. But tonight’s offer put a whole different spin on things.
Ren had been thinking about him for six months.
“Hey.”
Seth looked up and saw Lennox standing in front of him.
Just Lennox.
Which meant that he’d come out here without Ash, specifically because he was concerned about Seth.
“Hey,” Seth said. Fighting his own instincts to stay calm. The good news was that he’d had lots of experience doing it, and it came easier today than it had four years ago.
“You okay?” Lennox took a step closer. He looked concerned. Seth wondered how upset he’d looked when he’d practically run out of the bar.
Probably pretty upset, if Lennox had come out here to check on him.
Especially since Lennox knew he didn’t do distressed.
He’d walked out of God knew how many firefights and five tours in Iraq and Afghanistan with a calm smile and normal blood pressure.
But Ren reaching for him made him breathe a little too fast.
Both because Ren was Ren, and Seth would have to be dead not to want exactly what he was offering, and a whole lot more, but also because he didn’t know what to do about it.
He was conflicted, even though he didn’t want to be.
“I’m fine, just . . . surprised.” That was the truth. He had been shocked as hell when Ren had stalked up, and with barely any preamble had suggested that they have sex.
He’d been so surprised that he’d almost said yes.
And what would be so wrong if you said yes? that annoying voice in the back of his head wondered. You want him. He wants you. You aren’t a freaking monk.
He wasn’t.
But he also knew himself, and it was impossible to deny that the pull he felt towards Ren was strong. He was going to want more. And wanting more, when Ren was around all the time?
A recipe for disaster.
It had been fine enough when it was just Seth feeling that way. Easy enough to deal with.
It was not so easy to deal with if Ren felt it too.
“You’re telling me,” Lennox said, leaning against the outside brick wall of the bar, and his voice was easy. The easiness in it helped Seth relax a little more. “I’m still not used to guys walking up to other guys and being so . . . well, so open about it.”
“Welcome to the real world,” Seth said, fighting a smile. “And Los Angeles, where nobody gives a shit who you are or who you’re fucking. Nice change from the base, right?”
“Why were you surprised?” Lennox punctuated his question with a sigh, like he was secretly disappointed that Seth had tried to change the subject.
“I just didn’t think he’d ask again.” Still the truth. He’d thought he was alone in his weird Ren-and-Seth-sleeping-together-and-more obsession.
Apparently he wasn’t, and he didn’t have a clue what to do about it.
Especially since the more was still not on the table.
It was pointless to ask Ren for a date, because all Ren would do was laugh in his face and go for his dick.
In that super sweet, charming, funny way of his that made it seem like it was all good at the time, until later when Seth had to see him with another guy, and then another guy, and then another, and he realized that he was just another in a line.
He could do a lot of things but not that.
“You didn’t think he’d ask again?” Lennox looked surprised now. Which was a new expression for Lennox.
Seth reminded himself to congratulate Ash when they went back inside, for turning Lennox into something resembling a real boy, not the closed-off, buttoned-up version that had existed for so many years.
“Of course I didn’t.”
Lennox chuckled. “Then you haven’t been paying attention. You guys gravitate towards each other.”
Not helpful.
“That’s because we ended up in the same friend circle,” Seth said, valiantly trying to circumvent the truth. Which was that yes, he did gravitate towards Ren, because he was the human version of a black hole: both irresistible and impossible. “That’s how friends work, Lennox.”
Lennox tilted his head, still smiling. “You like him. He likes you. I fail to see the issue. Apparently he also fails to see the issue.”
“He wants to take me back to his room and fuck me, or let me fuck him, or something. He doesn’t want . . .” Everything I want. “It’s a bad idea. Bad all around.”
“You know bad ideas,” Lennox said, “they like to draw you in. And then keep you there.”
Lennox would know. He’d had his own version of a bad idea, but he’d broken the pattern. He’d left Brandon and their fucked-up secret relationship that was never going to be anything other than buried in the deepest, darkest closet.
“You’re not wrong,” Seth said wryly.
“You should do something about it.”
Seth opened his mouth to say that yeah, he was trying. And he’d been doing a halfway decent job of it, too, before Ren had sauntered over and blown his carefully constructed mirage of half-truths to bits. But Lennox kept going.
“No, you’re not trying. What did you tell me once? I need to get out? See some things? Meet some people?”
Seth waved a hand. “I am pretty sure I gave you about a hundred different versions of that speech. Maybe a thousand. I’m glad you finally listened to me. And I know Ash is glad too.”
“We both are. But it’s time you take your own advice.”
“What am I supposed to do? Ask out the cute barista at the coffee place down the street? Spend a Saturday night at Temple? Join that new app everyone’s talking about?”
“All of those and any of those,” Lennox said with finality, like it was easy.
Maybe for him it was.
It had never been easy for Seth. Turning away from something he wanted was never simple for him. Even when he’d been burned by all that wanting too many times.
But maybe Lennox . . . maybe Lennox was right. Maybe he needed to try something different. Try to break out of this rut. And maybe doing it would convince Ren that it was a bad idea once and for all.
Not that Seth believed that he wasn’t convinced after this last rejection.
Not many men got to reject Lorenzo Moretti once.
He’d gotten to do it twice.
He knew he wouldn’t get to do it a third time.
“Come on, let’s go back inside, buy your man another drink,” Seth said, wrapping an arm around Lennox.
“You good?” Lennox asked, looking up at him, like he wasn’t quite sure.
“Well, I will be,” Seth said. Hoping that saying it meant that it would eventually be true.