Chapter 5 #3
She took a deep breath before beginning.
“My dearest Drew. Do you have any idea just how much joy you’ve brought me?
Right from the moment you were born, I knew how special you were.
You were always moving. Always making noise.
Joyful noise that was musical right from the start.
And even when you were being naughty and I knew I should be telling you off, it would be nearly impossible for me to keep from laughing right along with you.
I still remember the first time you sang.
You were barely a year old and there was a James Taylor song on the radio.
“Fire and Rain.” You had only just started to talk, but by the final chorus, I swear you had learned the lyrics.
We sang together, even though I was off-key, and you were always so perfectly in tune with the song in your heart.
And it just seems right, somehow, that those first lyrics you ever sang to me would come back around again for us now.
Because I loved every single sunny day we shared together.
And if it seems sometimes like there are too many lonely days, honey?
Just know that I’m always here watching you make the beautiful music you were put here to make. Because when nothing else makes—”
Tears had been streaming down Ashley’s cheeks the entire time she’d been reading, but she’d been able to keep going. Until she couldn’t anymore.
So Drew filled in the words she was too emotional to finish reading aloud. “When nothing else makes the pain go away, all I have to do is put on one of your songs and it works every time. Every single time.”
Ashley sniffled and looked back down at the letter as if she knew that he needed her to say the final five words aloud, needed to hear the beautiful melody of her voice dancing with them. “I love you, Drew. Always.”
She didn’t reach up to wipe away her tears, simply handed him the letter so that he could carefully fold it up and put it into his pocket.
“She wouldn’t let me leave my tour to come home.” The desert was so quiet that in the spaces between his words, he swore he could hear their hearts beating. “Every time I tried, she sent me back after a few days. She said people needed to hear my music.”
“And she knew you needed to be playing it for them, too, didn’t she? That you wouldn’t be whole without it.”
He looked into her beautiful eyes—eyes that saw so deeply it stunned him.
“My brother Grant finally called and told me to get on a plane. I had only a few weeks with her at the end. She was asleep most of the time, but whenever she was awake, she’d ask me to play.
I’d never been into folk music, like I didn’t think it was cool enough.
But in those three weeks I learned all her favorites—Dylan, CSN, Joni Mitchell, Leonard Cohen.
And James Taylor, of course. ‘Fire and Rain’ was always her number one favorite, even when she was lying in the hospital and knew she was never going to leave it. ”
“She must have loved you playing all of her favorite songs for her.”
“She did.” And he had, too, even if he hadn’t been able to play any of those songs since. “Her throat was too dry to sing along, but when she had the energy, she’d mouth the words and even tap her fingers to the beat.”
He hadn’t talked this much about his mom for…he didn’t actually know how long it had been. Since even before she died. And maybe it wasn’t fair to lay all of this on Ashley. But he couldn’t stop now. He had to get it out.
Finally just get it all out.
“I knew she was going to go soon. We all did. But even though we knew we were saying good-bye, we all broke.”
“Drew.” Ashley slipped her hand from his and wrapped both of her arms around his waist as she pulled him close.
She wasn’t only his lifeline now. She was his strength, too.
“Grant just kept swearing. Dad and Madison couldn’t stop crying. Justin kept wanting to hit buttons on the machines all around her, as if science could save her. Olivia went so silent it was scary. Sean looked like he was on the verge of breaking down a wall to get out of there.”
“What about you?” She didn’t let go of him as she asked the question, just held him so tightly that the words coming from her chest vibrated through his. “What did you do?”
“I nearly slammed my guitar into the ground, but Olivia took it away from me before I could destroy it. I wrote ‘One More Time’ that day.”
“It’s the most beautiful song, Drew. She would have loved it.”
“I didn’t mean to write it,” he admitted in a low voice, “but I couldn’t stop the words or melody from coming out.
And I didn’t mean to play it for anyone either.
But last night…last night it felt like she was there.
Like she really was listen—” The word broke in half as the tears he hadn’t been able to cry since his mom died finally broke through the wall of pain he’d built around them.
“I miss my mom so much. So damned much, every single day.”
Ashley didn’t say anything, didn’t tell him that one day the pain would go away, didn’t make promises about time healing wounds. She simply pressed her face into his chest and held him even tighter—and it was exactly what he needed.
She was exactly what he needed.