Chapter 35
MARY
After more talking, more kissing, more smiling like a pair of lovesick teenagers, then feeding and settling a baby before more conversation and crying about all the things we’d left unsaid, I ended up falling asleep in Beckett’s arms. He nudged me awake enough to drag myself up to bed and change into pyjamas before immediately collapsing back into oblivion the second I crawled under the duvet.
After Bob woke me up with an urgent request for breakfast, I changed into leggings and an oversized hoodie and went downstairs, expecting to find Beckett under a blanket on the sofa.
The living room was empty. To my dismay, the rest of the house was, too.
That was fine – it was only six and still dark outside, but maybe Beckett had headed home to change before going back to the hospital. Perhaps he was working an early shift.
Except that he would have told me, wouldn’t he? Or at the very least left a note, or sent me a message.
By the time I’d made coffee, I was debating whether it was within my rights to feel upset that he’d disappeared on me when the front door opened and he hurried inside, closing the door against a gust of wintry wind.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, coming to find me in the kitchen, his eyes flickering with doubt.
‘I thought I must have scared you off,’ I said, managing a hesitant smile.
His brow furrowed, head shaking as if the very idea was preposterous. ‘Not possible.’
I leant against the table, the rush of relief followed by a swift surge of joy.
‘So, where did you go?’
‘To get this.’ He disappeared, then came back carrying a large box wrapped in glittery paper. ‘Happy Christmas, Mary. In the spirit of being a Santa, I thought I’d be able to bring it over before you woke up.’
‘It’s Christmas Day!’ What with everything else going on, I’d completely forgotten.
‘I also got us breakfast, but that’s still in the car. I wasn’t sure which you’d like first.’
I thought about that. My stomach was more than ready for breakfast, but I was beyond eager to know what was in that box.
‘Both at the same time?’
He grinned. ‘That’s why you’re the clever one.’
* * *
It was a sewing machine. Second-hand, because he’d rightly deduced I’d rather a reconditioned better-quality machine than a cheaper new one. There was also a beautiful velvet box containing all the essential sewing kit, including threads, pins, scissors and a tape measure.
He gave me an envelope with Bob’s name on it, inside of which was a photograph of a brown and white cocker spaniel puppy.
‘I haven’t confirmed it yet. But I thought, with Bob growing up out here with no neighbours close by, he might like a friend to play with. It’s a good reason to get out on walks, and might help you feel safer when strange men come wandering into your back garden, rapping on your windows.’
‘I’ve never had a dog before.’
‘I have. I can show you what to do, what they need. Like I said, if it’s not what you want, I can cancel. Or keep him myself. He’s already house-trained. One of my regular clients bought him and then got a job overseas. He’s called Hudson.’
I took a moment to picture it. Me and Bob, walking through the trees with a spaniel scampering alongside us.
Hudson curling up in front of the fire, playing fetch with Bob once he grew older.
A best friend who’d love him unconditionally.
A long-term commitment, not to living in a penthouse apartment in the middle of a city, but to this new life, here in the forest.
‘It’s perfect.’
Cue more crying into my bacon butty.
My present for him was a three-month membership of a local rowing club. A bit presumptuous, but not even close to buying someone a pet.
He promised to accept the gift on one condition.
‘You have to try it with me some time.’
I squinted at him over my coffee mug. ‘What, with Bob as our cox?’
He grinned. ‘I’m sure one of those coffee mums would love to have him for a couple of hours.’
‘Okay. But not until it’s warmer. Pick a date sometime in the spring.’
‘A date?’
We both exchanged soppy smiles at the confirmation that we’d still be hanging out together in the spring. That we so casually arranged a date that both of us knew would be 100 per cent a romantic one.
‘This is the best Christmas present,’ I said once we’d finished eating.
My heart felt swollen with happiness at the simple act of clearing up breakfast together.
I hadn’t been alone for that long, compared to some, nothing compared to Beckett, but we had both felt very, very alone, given how insular and empty our lives had become.
‘Okay, that’s not true. The puppy is better. But having you here is… more than I could have ever dreamed of.’
‘Is that how it’s going to be?’ Beckett raised one eyebrow, tugging me gently until I bumped up against him, having to crane my neck to meet his sparkling eyes. ‘Me coming second to the dog? The dog who will chew your furniture, steal your socks and never once bring you breakfast?’
‘The dog who’ll never say he wants “time apart”, or that kissing me was a “rash mistake”?’
‘Ouch. How long is it going to be before I’m allowed to forget that?’
I grabbed his woolly jumper with both fists. ‘I don’t know. How long are you planning on sticking around for?’
He replied with a slow, sexy smile that flipped my insides upside down. ‘I’m here as long as you’ll have me.’ He bent to give me a soft kiss. ‘Well, I actually need to see Gramps at some point, but I was hoping you might want to come along too.’
He kissed me again. ‘To see Gramps, and wherever else we decide to go.’
‘Are you talking about the New Life Christmas Day Lunch? Because I promised Sofia I’d bring custard.’
‘I’m talking about the lunch. Dinner. Breakfast. A billion mugs of tea, pieces of cake and tonic and gins. Hot chocolates at the Winter Wonderland. Ice-cold beers in the summer. Wherever. Forever. Sticking around, hanging around. I’m not sure how else to say that I’m yours now. If you’d like.’
‘I would like. A lot.’ I rested my head against his firm chest that had always felt like the safest place on earth, adding a whisper. ‘Almost as much as a puppy.’
* * *
We drove to the church, where Yara had invited us both (separately, the night before, presumably in some obvious attempt to get us talking again) to a lunch for people who would otherwise be spending the day alone.
I was nervous about eating Christmas dinner with the kind of people who had no friends or family to be with, while at the same time chastising myself for being judgy, given that up until very recently, I was one of those people.
I should have known my fears would be totally unfounded.
As well as Sofia, Moses and all their children dropping in on their way to Sofia’s enormous half-Irish, half-Italian family Christmas, there were the Christmas Twins, Patty and a whole bunch that together were lively, lovely and the exact opposite of my actual family, in all the best ways.
‘Are you sure you two qualify to be at a lunch for lonely losers?’ Yara asked with a knowing smirk.
We both made no effort to hide our grins, Beckett squeezing my hand underneath the table.
* * *
‘Did you still want to come with me to see Gramps?’ Beckett asked as we headed home after helping clear up, stomachs almost as full as our hearts.
‘Yes. Absolutely.’
‘You don’t sound very sure.’
‘I just… I don’t want to give him the wrong impression.’
Beckett gave me a sharp glance as he stopped at the last set of traffic lights before leaving Nottingham. ‘Which is what? I thought I made my feelings about that very clear.’
‘Well. Yes. But feelings are one thing. You haven’t actually asked me anything… specific.’
He drove for a minute in silence, while the insecure, never good enough, unimpressive part of me wondered again whether I’d pushed things too far, even as the new, improved Mary had no doubts about the man sitting beside me, and where I stood with him.
‘Are you asking me to ask you to be my girlfriend?’
‘I’d really prefer not to have to ask you to ask.’
He did a sudden sharp turn, pulling into a track by the side of the road and bumping along for about twenty metres until coming to a stop surrounded by woodland. Turning off the engine, he got out of the car, strode around to the passenger side and opened my door.
‘Come on.’
‘Is this where you finally murder me and leave me in the woods?’
He gave a frustrated-crossed-with-amused eyeroll, then took my hand and pulled me out.
After staring at me for a few seconds, he dropped to one knee.
‘Beckett! Stop! What are you doing?’
‘Mary.’
‘No. This is not the time for a proposal. Please don’t make me have to turn you down.’
‘It’s not a proposal. Although I mean it just as much, so it might as well be. But it isn’t! You wanted a formal ask, so this is me showing you I mean it. Mary Whittington, will you be my proper, monogamous, committed, romantic, in-love-with-me girlfriend?’
I took in a deep breath. Thought about Bob. About Leo. Shay and Kieran and the life I’d lost, and the one I now wanted more than anything. The one where every day I got to share it with Beckett Bywater.
Still, I had to ask.
‘Are you sure? Because I can’t take another broken heart just yet.’
‘Are you sure? I’m never going to offer you grand gestures, wild adventures, everything Leo gave you. I’m really a very boring man. With an elderly, grumpy Gramps as baggage.’
‘Then I love boring. I don’t want all that faff and forced fun. I never did. But are you sure? Talk about baggage. I’m a woman with a baby, a dead husband, no job and a whole load of family issues. I’m honestly still quite a wreck.’
‘I love your baby. As if he were my own.’ Beckett stood up, pressing his forehead against mine, his voice dropping. ‘One day, I would love to call him my son.’
‘Shucks, Beckett.’ I had to pull back to wipe my face. ‘Asking someone to be your girlfriend shouldn’t be this emotional.’
‘Let’s try again, then. Hey, Mary, do you fancy being my girlfriend? No pressure or anything.’
‘Go on, then.’ I laughed through my tears. ‘I’ve no better offers right now, so might as well give it a go.’
* * *
Given the rule about children, Gramps was allowed to be pushed in a wheelchair to the café for a mince pie and a cup of tea, but wasn’t well enough to linger for much longer than the time needed to give us a present.
He had somehow got someone to buy us theatre tickets for the spring, offering to keep Bob company while we enjoyed a night out alone.
‘You think they’d allow you out of a care home to do babysitting?’ Beckett asked.
Gramps looked affronted. ‘You’re finding me a retirement home, not shipping me off to prison.’
Making a mental note to ask Sofia or Li if they’d be free on that date, I gave him the super-warm coat I’d bought, with a promise to take him out in it often, and then Beckett and Gramps discussed the future plans to find him somewhere ‘not full of morons or zombies’ to live, until Gramps told us to wheel him back to the ward and leave him in blessed peace.
We drove back to my cottage as the sun set behind the oak trees, the Christmas stars already twinkling above our heads.
I had no idea what the new year would hold for me.
This time last year I was founding director of a brilliant company, living in Sheffield and zipping between business meetings and trips abroad with my brand-new husband.
Now, here I was. A mother, living in a ramshackle cottage in the middle of a forest. I had new friends, new hopes and dreams starting to emerge.
A boyfriend who I felt completely myself with.
For the first time, I genuinely knew who that was. Curled up on my shabby sofa with Beckett as he cuddled Bob, the fire crackling, an extra-gooey pizza in the oven, I wouldn’t have chosen to be anyone else.