Chapter 12
Tawny
I wake feeling more relaxed than I can remember. I’m warm and safe. It’s been so long since I’ve been held.
My eyes fly open and I look down at the large hand covering mine and the thick arm wrapped around me. He did as I asked him. He stayed and he held me. I can’t remember ever feeling this safe. This cared for.
My husband. My eyes fill with tears. I don’t want this to be temporary. I don’t want to lose him. I sniff.
“You’re safe, kitten. I’m here. I’ve got you. No one will hurt you.”
“Gray, I don’t want to lose you. I know we promised this was temporary but... But I don’t think I want it to be. I don’t want anything from you. I—I just want you. Can I sign something so I can stay and not lose you? I don’t want any of your belongings or money.”
“You’re so young. You’ve been so sheltered. You need to live your life a little before you make such a big decision.”
“Gray, I have never been sheltered. Sometimes barely noticed.
I knew what beatings were by the time I was four, I saw rape at five.
Before we came to Cogburn, I lived on the streets, in rundown tenements, in campgrounds, in a bus camper traveling the coast. For a little while in a nice apartment with drug addicts.
Then in a house where I was a maid and housekeeper afraid to leave my room for fear of being raped.
“No one told me I was smart or talented.
No one looked at me as a person, just another tool or servant.
No one asked if I liked something. What I wanted.
What I needed. No one talked to me like a person.
Even when I got to go to school, I was mostly ignored as the strange new girl. Or worse, associated with the Stumps.
“You and Gerdie are the best things to have happened to me. You make me feel things I never thought would happen for me. I know how I feel. It’s like licorice. You know immediately if it’s for you.”
He shifts us both so I’m lying flat. Looking down at me he smiles. “Licorice? I’ve been called a lot of things and compared to things like a horse’s ass, but licorice is new.
“I feel the same about you. I knew immediately and I don’t want to let you go. My heart says you’re mine. But I’m older. I’ve traveled some harsh miles and sometimes the past haunts me.
“I can promise you I keep my word. I will never harm you and always protect you. You will be my number one priority. I don’t cheat. I don’t lie. I’ll support you in anything you want to do if you’ll stay with me.
“I feel a connection with you that I can’t explain. I felt it the first moment I laid eyes on you. Like you were my kindred soul. That we would, could understand each other on some other plain. I’ll help you become what you want to be. Take you wherever you want to go.”
His words are like the first breath of spring air, bringing hope and new possibilities.
“I just want to be with you. Stay wherever you want to stay. The place doesn’t matter.
The person does,” I tell him. “This cabin is perfect, this mountain is home, the town is your community. I don’t need bigger, or better, or more. I need you.”
He leans his forehead against mine. “God, kitten. I never thought I’d find love. Find someone I wanted as a partner. My childhood wasn’t much better than yours. Mom was a drunk and abusive. Her boyfriends didn’t want a kid around and some were mean. Her leaving was the best day of my life.
“Pops nurtured me back to trust and gave me the freedom to be what I wanted. The military gave me purpose and strength. Fate has given me you. I won’t let harm come to you. Because of my age, people will talk. They are going to say I took advantage of you. Of your innocence.”
“After living with the Stumps, no one believes I’m innocent,” I interject. “Everyone keeps waiting for me to act like them. To get pregnant and trap someone. They’ll say I found a sugar daddy in you. They’ll wait to see how long it takes me to swindle you out of a bunch of money and take off.
“I want to be your wife in more than name. I want to be your partner. But you have to promise me one thing. This is important to me.” I meet and hold his gaze. “Get me a paper that says I have no claim on your land or your house if we separate. If there are children, we co-parent and co-support.
“I have spent my whole life being a bargaining chip, a tool to get more. Or as a handicap. I’ve witnessed the schemes and the lies.
I don’t want to treat anyone else like that.
It’s why me signing papers is so important to me.
Not that anyone else needs to know. But so, you know that I’m not like my mother or the Stumps. ”
“If it’s that important to you, we’ll do it. But I trust you. I see the real you, Tawny.”
“D—do you want children?” I ask.
“With you. If you do. I also see them as a blessing, not a burden. We’re both coming into this with emotional baggage. Because of that maybe we have the advantage of knowing the importance of honesty and discussion. And the true value of family.”
I feel the heat in my cheeks, but I need us to always be honest with each other. “As much as I want you to make me... yours, I’d like us to just spend the day together getting a better feel for what we want. If that’s okay?”
“I think it’s perfect for us. There is no rush on the physical side.”
“Beck spent the night guarding us, didn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“How about I put coffee on and make us all a nice breakfast.”
“He—we’d love that.”
“Then go get him while I get dressed.”
When he stands, I see he wore sweatpants and a T-shirt to bed. So considerate and gentlemanly. So different than what I’ve spent the last few years exposed to.
My stepbrothers are selfish, egotistical users who demand everything and give nothing. Even when we were young, they’d expose themselves to me and have sex with their girlfriends where I’d see them.
Gerdie told me that there are two types of men: givers and takers. She told me they don’t get better than Gray.
After a fast shower, I slip into a pair of new jeans and a T-shirt. I feel different. Stronger. Hopeful. I know people would say it’s too soon to be in love. I know in my heart that I can believe and trust Gray. I won’t let him down.
Gray already has the coffee made and pours me a cup as I approach the table. Beck is sitting in front of the computer that they were both studying. He glances up.
“Gray says you can REALLY cook and you will feed us. Whatever you’re making, make mine a double. I’m starved for home cooking. I’ve been living off fast food or gas station fare for almost two weeks.”
“Well then, I guess I better make steak and eggs. You like hash browns and homemade biscuits?”
“Marry me,” Beck asks.
Gray slaps the back of his head. “Watch how you talk to my wife.”
“Adopt me?”
“Stuff it.” Gray points to the screen. “Let’s get the installation points figured out. I want to get the supplies bought today and as many as possible up and running.”
Breakfast is a joy. Beck eats three helpings and keeps oohing and aahing. He pulls out his phone and does some texting. A few minutes later Gray’s phone buzzes. He checks the message then scowls at Beck. Then his phone pings again, and again.
He looks at me. “Kitten, the guys all want to come help with the security here and want to know if you’ll cook for them, too? That would be four more, five if Oliver comes.”
“Are you talking feeding them just today, or today and tomorrow?”
“Both,” Beck speaks up. “It will definitely take us the weekend.”
“I’d love to. You know cooking is my thing. Could I go to town with you? I’d like to get a couple roasts and few more side items. Could we invite Gerdie and Russett, too?”
He smiles. “Anything you want, kitten”.