11. Everly
11
EVERLY
“I have the flu again,” I tell my doctor when she comes in the room. I’ve always liked the older woman with her coiffed silver hair and patient smile. Dr. Moore may not be an expert in my disease but as my primary care doctor, she’s been through a lot of ups and downs with me.
“Because you’re throwing up?” She prompts.
I nod, feeling miserable. A week ago, I had to come in for anti-nausea medication. My stomach just isn’t sitting right anymore. I know it’s probably a combination of the flu and stress from my dad’s trial.
According to the recent release of a few redacted reports, it looks like he should be free soon. Maybe then the reporters will go away. I hope so. I keep missing classes because I’m so sick. I can barely keep anything down and I have no appetite.
“I’m afraid it’s not the flu,” she says as she takes a seat on her rolling stool. “Your urine test came back. You’re pregnant.”
“No, I’ve had my period. I mean, it was super light and only lasted like a day, but it was at the right time and besides, I’m stressed. It totally made sense,” I explain. Her test must have been wrong.
“Spotting during early pregnancy does occur for some women,” she reassures me.
“Your test malfunctioned. It’s the only explanation. They told me there was like a one percent chance or less that I could conceive.” My mind goes back to that week with Owen. I never once worried about pregnancy. After all, the doctor I saw made it sound like it was impossible.
“Miracles happen,” Dr. Moore says.
I let out a slow breath. I’m carrying a small piece of Owen with me. It’s me and Owen, a memento from our time together.
“Why don’t you make an appointment to see me next week after you’ve processed this, and we can talk about your options then?”
Options. The word catches my attention and I press a hand to my stomach. I don’t need time to think this through. I already know what I’m going to do. “I want it.”
Even if Owen never wants this baby and rejects it, I’ll still love it. He may not be father material but I’m not afraid to be a single mom. There are a lot of brave women out there who raise a child without a man.
She nods. “Alright then, we’ll still follow up and make sure the new anti-nausea medication is working for you.”
I leave the doctor’s office in a daze and wander around campus. I never thought this would happen for me. Taking a seat on one of the stone benches in front of the lake, I can’t help but feel like my whole life has just changed. Everything that seemed so clear-cut suddenly isn’t. How is it my whole world can shift in the course of an hour?
A mama duck waddles by with baby ducks following after her. The sight of the four of them makes my heart smile. See, there are single moms even in nature.
I take a deep breath and press a hand to my stomach. “Um, hi. I’m your mom and it looks like well, you’re here and I’m totally surprised. But it’s OK because I’m going to protect you and look out for you and help you grow up to be healthy and strong. So, just you know, stay there and keep growing. I’ll figure out this mom thing, I promise.”
I drop my hand and nod. As introductions go, I don’t think it was a terrible one.
The sound of my name floats to me on the breeze and I cringe as I look over my shoulder. I’m expecting another round of reporters. Campus security is doing their best to hold them at bay, but a few manage to sneak through every day.
But it’s not a reporter that’s stalking toward me like a man on a mission. It’s Owen, looking pissed as he stomps in my direction.
How could he have found out already? No one even knows his name. Uncle Micah knows about Owen. But he’s never asked questions and I haven’t volunteered any information.
When Owen reaches me, he shoves his hands in his pockets and stands there. I’d almost managed to stitch some of the broken pieces of my heart back together again but seeing him now is ripping them out. My heart shatters at his feet and he never hears the sound.
“Lemon,” I whisper the word.
“I know, lamb.” His expression crumples, and he drops to his knees on the brown lawn. “I need to tell you something. I made a bad call. It was my last mission, the reason I got out. It was my job to pick the targets. There was this one city rebel forces were using for a stronghold. I thought it was completely abandoned. That’s all the reports and surveillance showed it as being.”
There’s a faraway look in his blue gaze, like he’s reliving it. I want to reach out and touch him, but I don’t let myself. “I realized too late I was wrong. I tried to radio in, but I didn’t make it in time. I watched as the entire village went up in smoke.”
He swallows and looks up at me. “A lot of civilians died that day because of me, and I haven’t felt worthy of anything since that moment. That’s why I pushed you away like a fuckin’ coward.”
I blink against the tears that threaten to fall. I hate that he’s in so much pain. “I hope you know it wasn’t your fault. You can’t be blamed for the faulty information you were given.”
He takes my hand in his, the motion is tentative and so unlike the normal confidence he carries. “I want to be with you.”
I shake my head. If there was just me to consider, this would be a very different conversation. But it’s not. There’s a little baby that needs to be protected. “I’m sorry for what happened. That’s truly awful to live through. But what about the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by the guilt and pain? I don’t want to raise our child with a man who pushes away his family. It’s not fair to the baby.”
His jaw goes slack at the same moment I realize what I said. He hasn’t had time to process this. Hell, I barely have either. “Are you pregnant?”
“I didn’t mean to tell you this way.” I feel a small stab of guilt. I probably should have eased him into this conversation. Not that it matters. He’s already made his feelings on fatherhood very clear.
“We made a baby,” he whispers with what sounds like awe in his voice. Then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them again, he says in a tone filled with conviction, “You’re right. It’s not fair to the baby if I don’t have my shit together so I promise you this. I will do whatever it takes to find healing and wholeness. I will be the father this child needs.”
A few of the pieces of my heart come back together again and tears slip down my cheeks. I want to touch him so badly. I want him to wrap me in his arms. “I’m really happy to hear that.”
“I know it’s a hell of a long shot because I’ve fucked this up every way possible. But do you think even given what I’ve told you, we could ever have something?”
The vulnerability in his gaze is my undoing. “I’d really like that.”
He joins me on the bench and pulls me against his shoulder. “I’ve missed you so much. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I can’t let you go, lamb. You’re stuck with the big bad wolf.”
My heart still aches, and I don’t know what the future will hold. But I know I want to face it with my gruff mountain man by my side. “That’s OK. Maybe I’ll tame him and turn him into my pet.”
He chuckles, the sound rich and dark. “Not likely, Goldilocks.”