Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
LINCOLN
Group text with Atlas, Xander, Declan, and Lincoln
Lincoln:
Gentlemen. I need a little something…
Declan:
Fuck me
Atlas:
Are you in jail?
Xander:
Did you flirt with Mabel so hard that George finally handed you your ass?
Lincoln:
I’m wounded by your lack of faith in me.
Declan:
You’re the one asking for a favor
Lincoln:
It’s not a favor. It’s an opportunity to help your favorite brother in a noble pursuit.
Declan:
Nothing about you is noble
Atlas:
Is it illegal?
Lincoln:
No.
Xander:
Is it dangerous?
Lincoln:
Might be.
Atlas:
Define might.
Lincoln:
We’ll definitely be running for our lives if my wife finds out.
Declan:
You’re not selling any of us on this
Xander:
I’m with Dec. I’m not interested in crossing Willa.
Atlas:
And I’m not interested in pissing off Sutton because we did.
Lincoln:
It’s FOR Willa, dickheads.
Atlas:
I’m listening…
Lincoln:
She’s been stressed af which means more pain flares. And since Bernice and Pearl are renting the farmhouse for the summer, Willa can’t soak in the tub.
Declan:
So we’re going to…break in to her house so she can take a bath?
Lincoln:
I like how you think, Dec. But no.
I want to build her an outdoor soaking tub on the silo’s back porch.
Big enough to stretch out.
Deep enough to soak all the way up to her chin.
Private enough so I don’t have to murder anyone for looking.
Xander:
I can get behind this.
Atlas:
Let’s circle back to “if my wife finds out.”
Lincoln:
It’s a surprise. She hates being spoiled. And she’s a bloodhound when it comes to secrets.
We’re gonna need stealth, precision, and probably snacks to distract her.
Atlas:
We’re also gonna need a plan. And a schedule.
Declan:
And bourbon
Lincoln:
I’ll cover all materials, snacks, and liquor. Atlas, think you can get the football team to pitch in?
Atlas:
If you add pizza to your list then yeah.
Lincoln:
Done. It’ll take me a bit to get everything, but I’ll send out the bat signal when it’s go time.
Xander:
Do we need permits?
Lincoln:
Absolutely not.
Atlas:
That means yes.
Lincoln:
What it means is if anyone asks, we’re just installing porch seating with creative drainage.
Xander:
This has disaster written all over it.
Lincoln:
It’ll be fine. I’ve got a blueprint drawn on a bar napkin, YouTube tutorials cued up, and an unshakable belief in our combined mediocrity.
Declan:
I can’t wait to watch this fail in real time
Xander:
You know you could just get her a nice candle like a normal husband and call it a day.
Lincoln:
Candles don’t say I’d break zoning laws for your comfort.
Atlas:
I give it an hour before someone almost loses a finger.
Xander:
A whole hour? You have more faith than I do.
Declan:
Just know I’m only doing this because I like Willa more than I like you
Atlas:
Same
Xander:
Ditto
Lincoln:
Aww, I love you guys too