Chapter 38
Darbi and Jacqui returned to the backyard to tell everyone Mary wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming back outside. Mary stayed where she was, on the floor of the guest room, staring at the wall in front of her but seeing nothing. Her mind and body were both numb. Out front, engines started and cars drove off. A little later, she heard Jacqui and Darbi arguing. Mary couldn’t make out the words but knew the fight was about Darbi’s lie.
With her stomach in knots, she slipped out of the house into the backyard. Just a few minutes before, it had been lively and she’d been full of hope. Now it had the ambience of a funeral parlor, and she felt as if she was there to pay her last respects to Kendra and the version of Dean she had loved. A fresh round of uncontrolled sobs racked her body, and she bent over, heaving. Soon, she felt a hand on her back, rubbing in small circles. She looked up and locked eyes with Darbi, the heartbreak on her cousin’s face matching the way Mary felt. Darbi pulled her into her arms, and the two stood, holding each other tight, Darbi’s tears soaking Mary’s shoulder as waves of grief rolled through her as well.
“This is all my fault. I didn’t appreciate the life I had, and I didn’t listen to you. How will I live without them?”
“I don’t know,” Darbi said. “I hope in a way that honors them.”
Despite Darbi and Jacqui pleading that Mary spend the night in their guest room, she went home, surprised when she pulled into her driveway because she had no recollection of driving across town. Brady’s Jeep wasn’t there, and the house was dark. She dragged herself upstairs and collapsed on her bed, crying harder than she’d ever cried in either life.
She couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that she would never see Kendra again. Her daughter didn’t exist because she’d been too self-absorbed to appreciate all the good in her life. She’d wanted more and ended up with nothing. She’d thought she’d been unhappy, but she’d be nowhere near that happy again. Being Kendra’s mother and Dean’s wife had left her unfulfilled, but without them, she’d never be fulfilled. She cried so hard for so long that she got a massive headache.
While digging through her bag for aspirin, she noticed a text message from Dean. Her breath hitched as she tapped on it.
Dean: Glad that’s over with. Let me know if you get the promotion. I’m cheering for you.
Mary stared down at the message until the words all blurred together. In their other life, she and Dean had let each other down. He hadn’t paid enough attention to her, and she’d blamed him for being bored with her life. If she could return to her fiftyish self, she would talk to him about what was troubling her. He would listen, and they would fix it, because in the end, they’d loved each other deeply. She understood that now.
In this alternate world, he’d been there for her when it mattered most. He hadn’t let her down, and she wasn’t going to let him down either. He’d done an interview he didn’t want to do so that she could get ahead in her career. It didn’t matter that she didn’t care about being a journalist anymore—if she got the promotion, she’d take it. She owed that to Dean the golfer. She would make the most of the career and make him proud. There would not be a better journalist than Mary Mulligan. She owed that not only to golfer Dean but also to the Dean she’d left behind. And to Kendra. Her breath hitched again at the thought of Kendra. The absence of her daughter would leave a big hole in Mary’s soul. She’d never get over the loss. Darbi was right, though. Mary couldn’t just sit around feeling sorry for herself. She’d left behind a family she’d loved to be here in this world and have a chance to be a broadcaster. While the sacrifice she’d made would never be anywhere close to worth it, she couldn’t let it be for nothing.
Blurry eyed and heartbroken, Mary entered Mitchell’s office the next morning. She knew by the way he smiled at her that she was getting the promotion, but she didn’t want it anymore. Kimberly deserved it more. Without her help, Dean might not have ever agreed to the interview.
Mitchell’s chair squeaked as he rolled it backward to stand. His expression reminded her of Dean’s when he’d told six-year-old Kendra they were taking her to Disney World, like if he kept the news inside him for another second, he’d burst. She forced the thought of her daughter and husband out of her mind. Otherwise, she’d break down again.
“The ratings were through the roof last night. For ICNN stations all over the country,” Mitchell said. “Congratulations—the job at the Morning Show is yours.”
Thank you for the opportunity, but I’m going to pass. That’s what she’d said all those years ago, and the words were on the tip of her tongue now, just to see if she’d be whisked back to her old life. “Thank you.” She swallowed the rest of the sentence, knowing there was no way back. This was her life now.
Mitchell’s smile flatlined. “I thought you’d be more excited.”
If that letter had been real, she would have exploded with excitement, self-combusted and somehow ended up back in her old life. “I’m tired.” That was true. She hadn’t slept. “I also need you to know I wouldn’t have gotten the interview without help from Kimberly.”
“I have some exciting things in mind for her,” he said. “But let’s focus on you for now. The higher-ups want you in Chicago next week.”
Mary nodded. She’d leave today if she could. Her only hope of coping in a world without her family was to get to a place that didn’t bombard her with memories every time she turned a corner. Not that she’d ever forget them. They’d be her first thought every morning and her last thought every night, not to mention the countless times she’d think of them throughout the day. Memories of them would make her miserable, but never as miserable as she deserved to be for leaving them.
“Go home and get some sleep,” Mitchell said.
As Mary left the building, she couldn’t believe she’d ever thought a career at a news station would fulfill her. Only the love of her family and friends could do that. As she cut across the parking lot, her phone pinged with a text. When she saw it was spam, she jabbed at the delete button until the message disappeared. Dean’s text from last night returned to the top of her list. In her car, she started to respond to let him know she’d received the promotion but stopped herself, wanting to tell him in person instead. The only time she’d felt comfortable in this do-over life was during the times she’d spent with him, and she might never have the opportunity to see him again. When he congratulated her, his smile would light up her soul. He’d hug her, and she’d breathe in his distinct Dean scent and relax in his arms. For the last time in her life, she’d feel connected to something that really mattered.
Mary circled around the lower lot at the golf course but couldn’t find an empty space. Today was the Club Championship, and all the members were competing. If she were in her real life, her husband would be taking part, but former PGA golfer Dean was not allowed to participate. In the upper lot, she pulled into the last available spot next to a white Volvo with a bumper sticker that read My other car’s a golf cart.
The scent of fresh-cut grass hung in the humid air as she made her way toward the clubhouse. On the pub’s patio, groups of men and women eating lunch and drinking pints sat under umbrellas, laughing while recapping their morning rounds. In her other life, she’d never had an appreciation for the golf club, but after coming here several days over the past week, she saw the appeal. She understood why her Dean had enjoyed being here. A summer camp–like vibe oozed from the place. Spending all day here playing a game several times a week might have been a way for him to fight getting old—or at least feeling old. Her eyes felt hot and gummy. If only she’d realized that while they were together, she could have aged with him. Oh, how they would have spoiled their grandkids. She pictured her Dean here, his hair completely gray, teaching their grandson with the British accent to play golf. She blinked away the tears building in her eyes and quickened her steps.
Inside the pro shop, Anthony manned the counter, checking in a couple who appeared to be in their late fifties or early sixties and were playing the par three course. The man wore navy blue shorts and a gray shirt, while the woman had a gray skort and navy blue shirt. To Mary, their color coordination suggested they were the best of friends, making her heart ache for what she and Dean should have been.
“We have dinner riding on this afternoon’s round.” The man smiled as if he were posing for a picture.
“Potato-encrusted haddock special in the pub,” Anthony said. “I hear it’s out of this world. And pot de crème for dessert.”
The woman wrapped her arm around the man’s waist. “After I win, I’m having both.” Her smile matched her husband’s.
The man swiped his credit card. “But you’re not going to win.”
A feeling of sadness enveloped Mary as she watched the couple leave. If she’d shown more interest in the game he loved so much, if he’d given her more of his attention, maybe she and Dean could have spent more time together and been as happy as that couple seemed. Then she wouldn’t be in this mess.
Anthony grinned at her. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t our budding Barbara Walters. Great job interviewing Dean. You really got him to open up. Congratulations.”
Mary version 1 would have been thrilled by Anthony’s words. Today, his compliment rolled off her. Her interview with Dean hadn’t accomplished what she’d wanted it to. It hadn’t sent her back to her other life.
“What can I do for you?” Anthony asked.
“Is Dean around?”
Anthony nodded. “At the driving range, teaching a lesson.”
She trekked up to the range, stepping to her right every time she heard a golf cart motoring behind her. At the top of the hill, she saw Dean standing behind the second bay, watching a teenage girl hit balls. “Is it fair to say about fifty percent of your weight ended up on your front leg at the end of your swing?” he asked.
The girl nodded.
“Remember what we talked about? That’s not enough. Shift your weight so that over ninety percent ends up on the front foot.” He took the seven iron from the girl and demonstrated. When he finished and returned the club to her, his eyes landed on Mary. “I’ll be over there.” He pointed in Mary’s direction. “Remember, most of your weight should be on your left foot at the end of your swing.”
He stuffed his hands in his pants pockets as he approached Mary. “My phone hasn’t stopped ringing since the story aired.”
“Told you people wanted to hear from you.”
He raised his eyebrows. “So, did you get the promotion?”
Her stomach sank, thinking of all she’d lost for that meaningless promotion. She forced herself to smile, not wanting him to see how miserable she was after all he’d done to help her. “I did.”
He beamed at her, the way she’d known he would, lighting up her entire being. She stared at him, savoring the moment and trying to imprint his smile on her soul.
“Congratulations.”
She stepped toward him, thinking he’d hug her, but his hands remained tucked in his pockets, and she felt herself deflate.
“I’m surprised to see you. I thought you’d be returning to your other life with Kendra. I’m a little disappointed I won’t get to be a husband and father.” He winked.
Mary’s breath caught in her throat. Again, he was making a joke about what she’d told him. Weren’t all jokes based in reality? He’d believed her. “Hey, that story helped get me the interview with you.” She reached out to Dean, resting her hand on his arm. Again, a spark shot through the air. “It’s not too late for you to have a family. You’d make a great husband.” She wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her. Her throat burned, and she felt that cold sensation in her chest again, her heart freezing over.
“Would I, though?” he asked in a teasing voice. “I’d probably love golf more than my wife. She would wish she’d never married me and end up in an alternate universe where she was thirty years younger.”
His words knocked the wind out of her. She heard Darbi in the restaurant asking her, Would you choose Dean again? How she wished she could go back and explain to the woman she was how miserable she’d be without him.
In front of them, the girl in the second bay hit a ball to the hundred-yard marker. “Great job, Brittany,” Dean yelled.
“What I didn’t tell you,” Mary said, her lips quivering, “is that while in the alternative universe, your wife comes to appreciate all the great things about you and realizes she made a terrible mistake by leaving.” Her voice cracked. There was an ache in her chest that would be there forever.
Dean pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek. She knew her show of emotion was making him uncomfortable. “Maybe someday she’ll make it back to her other life, and they’ll do better by each other.” He said it gently, reminding her again of how kind he was.
If only that could be, but there’s no way now . She felt too exhausted to stand any longer and eyed the grass beneath her, wanting to collapse onto it and never get up. “I hope so.”
“I enjoyed meeting you, Mary Mulligan. You’re an old soul and the breath of fresh air I needed.” He ran a hand through his hair. “See you on the Morning Show ,” he said as he walked away from her.
Tears rolled down Mary’s cheeks. She wanted to run after him, grab hold of his legs, the way Kendra had done to her on the first day of kindergarten. Instead, she turned back toward the parking lot. Halfway down the hill, she looked back up at the driving range. Dean already seemed to have forgotten all about her. He was in the first bay, swatting one ball after the other. They soared high into the air and disappeared in the metal-gray sky. She never saw them land.
With a hollowness inside her, she continued down the dirt path, wishing she and Dean could be friends. In the time they’d spent together, he had made life in this world without Kendra almost tolerable. Why hadn’t she realized her life with him had mattered? They’d created an amazing daughter. Mary had been a loving mother. She’d been a good friend, too, encouraging James and Jenni. She’d even helped create a broadcaster America could trust, Liz. Mary Amato had made a difference in the world. She had mattered.
“Fore! Fore! Fore!”
Mary turned back toward the driving range, where Dean was frantically screaming. A white blur barreled toward her at a breakneck speed. Before she could react, the ball smacked her right between the eyes. Her world went black, and she crumpled to the ground.
“Can you hear me?” Brady’s voice came from far away. She might have even imagined it. She lay flat on her back on a dirt path, something sharp sticking into her shoulder blade. The gums over her wisdom teeth felt as if someone were striking them over and over again with an ice pick.
A clammy hand wrapped around her wrist; three fingers rested on her pulse point. She forced her eyes open. Brady’s face came in and out of focus. She blinked hard, trying to clear her vision. Brady, dressed in his uniform, knelt beside her. A fire truck and ambulance with flashing red lights idled in the parking lot behind him.
“Welcome back,” he said.
“What are you doing here?” Where was Dean? Hadn’t she just been talking to him? “What happened?” Her voice sounded low, slightly hoarse. She cleared her throat.
“A golf ball hit you in the face,” Brady said. “You lost consciousness.”
“And you’re my savior?” She laughed, remembering the white blur coming at her, full speed ahead. “Big brother to the rescue.” Her voice still didn’t sound right.
Brady frowned. “Are you dizzy? Lightheaded?”
“I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.” She winced as another sharp pain streaked through her mouth.
“You probably went down hard when you fell. We’ll get you checked out.”
A crowd had gathered around them. From somewhere in the back, Dean’s voice called out: “Excuse me.” He fought his way through the mob, pushing people or yanking them by the arm when necessary, and rushed to her side. His shoulders quaked as he crouched by Mary’s side. “Are you okay?” His chin trembled and his eyes glistened. “I was on the twelfth hole, and Anthony called to tell me you were hurt.” His voice cracked. “Said they had to call 911.” He reached for her hand. There was no shock when he touched her, but she could feel he was shaking. At that moment, she was certain he cared about her, really cared about her. The realization broke her heart, because it reminded her of how lonely he was in his world as a professional golfer and how lonely she’d be without him. She’d ruined his life, Kendra’s, and her own. The ice picks kept hacking away at her gums, the pain more severe than before she’d had her wisdom teeth removed.
“What are you even doing here?” Dean asked.
Mary blinked hard. “I came to tell you about my promotion.” She pointed toward the driving range. “We talked. Remember?”
“Remember? What promotion?” He adjusted his baseball cap.
Something about the gesture niggled at Mary. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the hat.
“Did you finish your les ...”
The hat was beat up and royal blue. In her mind, she saw Dean sitting on their deck on Father’s Day years ago, unwrapping a gift Kendra had given him. The image was clear, right down to the green golf carts on the wrapping paper and the smudge of chocolate above Kendra’s lip from the cake she’d just eaten. Dean had pulled a hat out of the box, a royal blue baseball hat. He’d folded its bill before placing it on his head. “Exactly what I needed,” he’d said. “A good luck cap.”
“The hat Kendra gave you.” She shot up to a sitting position and snatched it from his head. “You’re wearing the hat Kendra gave you.” Halle-freaking-lujah! Somehow, she’d made it back. The attack on her gums stopped. She was pain-free.
Dean chewed on his lip. “I always do in a tournament. You know that.”
Mary tipped her head back and turned her face to the sky. “Kendra exists. She gave you a hat. I made it back.” The words came rushing out, leaving her breathless.
Dean looked side-eyed at Brady, who leaned closer to Mary’s face to study her pupils.
“I thought I was stuck in my other life without you forever.” She assessed her body. The legs that only days ago a man on the street had called “sexy” were bruised with varicose veins. She could see bulges in her stomach beneath her baggy shirt. A diamond band encircled the slightly arthritic ring finger of her left hand. She grinned and threw her arms around Dean. He felt solid in her embrace, real, reliable, someone she could depend on. Someone she loved who loved her back. “I’m not twenty-four anymore. You’re my husband again.”
Brady rubbed his hand over his razor stubble. “Head injuries can be tricky,” he said.
“I have never been better.” She felt her smile from the tip of her toes to the ends of the hair on her head. She pointed at Brady. “Good to meet you here in my real life.”
Brady raised an eyebrow. “We need to get her to the hospital to get checked out.”
Using Dean’s shoulder for leverage, Mary pushed herself up from the ground, musing that mere minutes ago, she would have been able to lift her young body without needing any type of assistance. It was a price she was more than happy to pay to return to her life with Dean and Kendra.
Kendra! She needed to call her. Right now. She bent to retrieve her bag from the ground, almost falling over, but Dean got it first.
Brady shot to his feet and wrapped an arm around her waist. “Ma’am, let’s be on the safe side.”
Ma’am? Usually she hated being called that, but hearing the word now overjoyed her. She was once again someone hot twenty-somethings would never notice. She was back to her beyond-middle-aged self.
Brady motioned to another paramedic to bring the stretcher over.
“I need to talk to my daughter.”
“Let’s get you checked out first,” Dean said.
Brady and the other paramedic carried Mary down the dirt path to the parking lot. Dean walked along beside them, holding tight to her hand. He climbed into the back of the ambulance and sat next to her, with his hand still wrapped around hers. Before Brady closed the door, Mary called to him: “Take good care of Frank Sinatra, and treat RaeLynn well.”
Brady blinked fast. “How do you know about them?”
“Who are they?” Dean asked.
“My dog and girlfriend.”
“And Belli, don’t hang him from any more ceilings.”
Brady’s mouth fell open. Mary winked, laughing without a care in the world and with a brand-new appreciation for her real life.
As Mary sat on a bed in the emergency room waiting to see a doctor, Dean handed her his phone.
“Mom.”
Mary’s body trembled, and she burst into tears. She thought she’d never hear her daughter’s voice again. Nothing had ever sounded as sweet. Dean sat next to her, taking her free hand into his. This must be what it’s like to go to heaven and see your loved ones again, she thought.
“Are you okay? Dad told me you got hit in the head by a golf ball.”
There were voices outside Mary’s room. Somewhere down the hall, a machine beeped over and over again.
“I’m the best I’ve ever been.” No words had ever been truer. She’d never loved her daughter or husband more. She was a lucky woman, back from the dead. “How are you? How’s London?” Mary wished she could jump through the phone and hug Kendra. Why wasn’t teleporting a real thing?
Kendra laughed. “I’m fine, Mom. What were you doing at the club?”
“I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too. And I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to talk.”
“We’re talking now. That’s all that matters.” Mary meant it. Her irritation at Kendra had contributed to her losing her family. How absolutely foolish she’d been.
“The thing is, I wasn’t really sure I wanted to move here, but I wanted to try it. And I knew you don’t want me to live here. I was afraid I wouldn’t give it a real chance, and I’d just end up coming home because I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“You could never disappoint me.” The curtain to Mary’s room opened, and an Indian woman in a white lab coat stepped inside.
Dean stood and reached for the phone. “Time to hang up.”
“Are you happy living there?” Mary asked.
“I am,” Kendra said.
“That’s all that matters. We’re going to fly out to see you.” She paused, remembering Dean’s “smothering” comment. “If that’s okay?”
“Come soon,” Kendra said.
“I love you,” Mary said.
The doctor approached the bed. “I’m Dr. Khatri.”
Dean grabbed the phone. “We’ll talk to you later. The doctor needs to examine your mom.”
“Tell Mom I love her.” Kendra said it loud enough for Mary to hear across the room, and Mary felt so light she could have sworn she was floating above the bed. Having people to love who love you back: that’s what mattered in life.