Chapter 23 Truth #2
“We started dating. I changed my phone number and moved in with Dae. I did a lot to limit the social media access people had to me—only posting things about the band and my relationship with Carina.” He let out a heavy breath.
“And it worked. People backed off. They viewed me as ‘taken,’ so they didn’t bother because what chance did they stand? Carina is gorgeous.”
“Believe it or not, I know a thing or two about the thoughts one can have when they want you but know you’re in a relationship,” I said dryly. “It kept me away for a while.”
Pain flickered across Grey’s face. “I know, and I’m sorry.
I—” He hesitated before continuing. “I’ve never…
told anyone this before. Not even my mother, though she hated the idea of me dating Carina.
‘You went through all this trouble to tell us you’re gay just for you to go and date a girl,’” he said in an eerily accurate imitation of his mom’s voice.
He laughed. “She thought I was trying to go back into the closet or something. She didn’t want me to ruin my life by wasting it on someone I didn’t love. ”
“I knew I liked your mom,” I said slyly. That earned me a playful push on the arm.
“But after what I’d been through, I was scared. It’s not the gallant excuse I wish I had, but it’s the truth.” He looked deeply into my eyes.
I was momentarily caught off guard by the ferocity in his brown gaze.
“When I met you, I wanted to tell you everything, so many times, but I chickened out. And I’m sorry.”
“Y-you don’t have to apologize,” I said, surprising myself when I found that I meant it.
“I do,” Grey said. “Because I know it hurt you to play these stupid games. I wanted to be near you but refused to tell you my secret. I couldn’t stay away, even though, realistically, it didn’t make sense to pursue anyone until I graduated and left this school.”
My cheeks warmed at his words. “I think we both failed epically at trying to stay away from one another.”
Grey smiled. “That’s fair. But even as we got closer, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you…”
“Why not?” I asked. It wasn’t harsh or demanding, simply curiosity.
“Because what if you decided you weren’t into me next week? Then, not only would I be hurt from losing you, but there’d be someone out there with zero incentive to keep my secret.”
Laughter erupted from my chest. “I’m sorry,” I said once I caught my breath. “In what world would I decide I wasn’t into you?” When Grey didn’t join in on my laughter, I calmed down. “Seriously though, even if we stopped talking tomorrow, you have to know I’d never betray your trust like that.”
He looked to his lap again. “I know,” he said quietly.
“I’ve known it for a while, but it didn’t replace my fears.
I thought half telling you at the wedding would be enough, but…
” Grey leaned forward then, burying his head in my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Ethan. Sorry for not being able to trust you sooner. ”
“It’s okay.” Now that I knew everything, it was.
Everything made sense now—his sometimes-flippant regard for his relationship in trying to get closer to me, his apprehension at sharing the truth, even the way Carina had acted last night.
It all made perfect sense. “The most frustrating part was not knowing.”
“Thank you,” he said, his voice muffled by my shirt.
“What now?” I asked. Because knowing the information was only one piece of the issue. Will he continue “dating” Carina? Will he replace her with me in public? Do I want to be his publicly? Wait—are we going to start dating?
My pulse raced, a sudden boost of adrenaline slamming into my system.
For so long, I’d been focused on him having a girlfriend and being drawn to him in spite of that fact.
Now that I knew the truth, I could see a potential path forward for us.
The prospect of a potential future to look forward to both excited and terrified me.
Grey’s shoulders heaved as he took a deep breath. “I don’t know,” he admitted, sitting up. “I don’t know what to do next. I mean… what do you want?”
I hesitated, stumped. What the hell do I want?
I didn’t know, which was kind of funny because if he’d asked me at the beginning of the semester, I would’ve had a bulleted list. Now, with all the turmoil and uncertainty that Grey had brought into my life, I found the question impossible to answer. “I don’t know,” I finally said.
“Well,” he said slowly, “what if we take a rain check on deciding what happens next. Christmas break starts next week. Let’s talk after we get back.”
My jaw went slack at his words. Christmas break was starting next week.
How have I not realized it was so close?
Time seemed to become elastic when I was with Grey—slowing down and stretching then jolting forward again.
It was disorienting and made keeping track of important dates—like major federal holidays, for example—difficult to downright impossible.
“Yeah,” I said, surprised by my own breathlessness. “After Christmas sounds good.”
He gave me a soft smile. “Let’s enjoy our day. We don’t have to make any decisions until then. Deal?”
“Deal.”