Chapter 35 Bend and Break
Bend and Break
We stayed long enough to order a breakfast burrito and a coffee to go—which I was thoroughly grateful for.
Grey was silent as we stomped across campus, and I wolfed down the burrito in desperation for strength and anything that would further anchor me in the land of the living.
Something told me that no matter what the conversation with Martin ended up being, I wouldn’t be in the mood for food afterward.
We were the last to arrive at the studio.
When we entered the room, we found everyone sitting around a conference table.
Martin paced like a caged animal and looked like he’d been at it for some time.
Dae shrugged at our questioning looks. Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait long to find out what was going on.
“Sit down,” Martin said through gritted teeth. Maybe it was the comparison to a caged animal I’d already made, but his words sounded very growl-like.
Grey and I obeyed without hesitation.
“Now that Grey’s here, will you tell us what’s going on?” Dae asked, earning a glare from Martin.
Martin grabbed a tablet from the table and gave it a few angry taps.
He then held it out to Lance, who was the closest to him.
As Dae read, his expression went from confused to annoyed, then he passed the tablet to Grey.
I looked over his shoulder to see that Instagram was pulled up to a picture of me and him.
It must’ve been taken today because it was of us at the restaurant we’d just been at with Grey holding my hand. I shot Grey a confused look.
“You told me you two were friends,” Martin seethed.
Grey took a breath. “Well, we—”
“Does it matter if they’re more?” Dae cut in vehemently, surprising me.
Martin rounded on him. “Of course it fucking matters. Grey is a lead singer in a band that we are trying to launch. In case you were unaware, the best way to launch a pop band with a bunch of twenty-something guys in it is to market it in a way that deludes teenage girls into thinking they have a shot with the members. Grey being outed with another guy ruins your chances before they even start.”
Everyone sat there for a moment. I couldn’t tell what the others were thinking, but I was too busy picking apart the ways Martin had been an asshole to worry about them.
All symptoms of my hangover vanished as cold flowed down my spine.
Sure, Martin might be correct about the marketing side of things—I knew fuck all about that—but the band, and more importantly Grey, were actual people in a relationship.
Not products to be sculpted to fit whatever plan Martin had for them.
I opened my mouth to tell Martin all the ways he could get stuffed when Grey spoke.
“What do you suggest, then?”
His voice was low, defeated, and that surprised me. Isn’t he just as pissed off as I am? Isn’t he going to fight Martin’s stupid opinions?
“I don’t suppose I can convince you two to never see each other again,” Martin mused, and I gave a short, derisive laugh.
He rolled his eyes. “So, you’ll just have to keep this under wraps during our launch.
A picture of you holding hands is one thing.
It’ll disappear, and if we’re asked about it later, we’ll have a story ready about you comforting Ethan over his grandmother’s death or something. ”
“Well, that’s awful,” Dae said.
“It doesn’t matter. We need to focus on the band. So cut the PDA. That’s all I’m asking. I don’t care what you do when the cameras aren’t around—but you better make sure there are no cameras. Got it?”
“And if we don’t comply with your demands?” I asked, hoping he understood just how much anger was coursing through me.
“Simple. I stop representing Dreamscape,” Martin said. “I won’t help those who refuse to help themselves.” The finality of his tone made it clear there was no room for discussion.
I chewed my bottom lip to keep from cursing the man out.
“Okay,” Grey said. “If that’s what it takes, we’ll keep things discreet.”
Now I had a new person I was fighting the urge to swear at.
How is no one as indignant as I am? It might have been because I was so new to thinking of myself as anything other than straight, but the amount of casual prejudice I’d witnessed in this conversation was staggering.
And what made it more frustrating was the fact that, other than immediately rolling over, Grey had been completely silent.
Dae had pushed back more, and it wasn’t even his relationship Martin considered a problem.
Martin turned his attention to me. “I’d like to hear that from both of you.”
Am I imagining it, or does he look smug? One thing was for sure, his face was extremely punchable in that moment.
I grimaced. “Yeah, sure, whatever.” I glared at Martin defiantly. He wasn’t the only one who could use the facial expression.
My comment—and possibly my face—clearly pissed Martin off, but he had the wherewithal not to respond.
Instead, he collected his tablet along with a few papers scattered across his end of the table and stuffed them in his bag.
“I’ll see you at rehearsal tonight.” He paused to point at Grey.
“No more slipups.” Then he left, seeming to suck the air out of the room when he did.
I groaned and rested my head on the table, depleted of energy, with no authority to challenge anything. Grey’s hand squeezed my arm. I assumed he was trying to comfort me, but I pulled it away.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I gave him a sidelong look. Honestly, I wasn’t thrilled with him.
He hadn’t stood up for me—or us, for that matter—but then, he’d been just as blindsided by all of this as I had.
I could cut him some slack. After all, would the results have been any different if he had put up a fight?
Probably not in any positive way. Likely, Dreamscape would’ve lost a manager and been back to square one, and who knew how that would affect them finding representation going forward.
No, there wasn’t much of an option. We had to toe the line.
“It’s just bullshit,” I said.
He nodded. “My thoughts exactly.”
The next few weeks were, in fact, bullshit.
Our schedules finally clicked, and we could see each other more than before, but it somehow felt worse.
We couldn’t spend time together that was close to what one would call “quality time.” Instead of dinners and dates alone, we were always accompanied by at least one band member in public.
To make matters worse, Martin had made it clear after my next attempt to join the band in the studio that I was not welcome—so I stopped going despite everyone insisting that I should just ignore him.
In public, Grey and I played the perfect part of just friends until we were behind closed doors, and those moments were few and far between.
Somehow, us seeing each other managed to make me feel more isolated—like a starving person sitting in front of a feast they couldn’t touch.
Even with Grey in Martin-approved settings, I was constantly on edge, waiting for something to happen that would ruin everything.
I overanalyzed every touch or glance Grey and I shared, worried that each one would last for a fraction of a second too long and then we would be all over social media again.
“It sounds like you’re experiencing something referred to as ‘the closet,’” Kellan said one evening when I complained to my roommate.
I lay upside down on the couch, my legs over the back and my head dangling near the floor—a good physical representation of what my life had become.
“I’m not in the closet,” I said instinctively. “I was never in it. Unless you count when I didn’t know I liked guys. But as soon as I figured that out, I told anyone who mattered.”
“Yeah, but now you can’t show that you’re into guys in public,” Josh said. “Say hello to the closet.”
“How do people stay sane living like this?” I asked, not really expecting an answer.
“That’s the neat part. They don’t,” Kellan said. “You should see some of the unhinged shit that goes down on the apps the moment you switch it to looking for men.”
I lifted my head so Kellan could see the quizzical expression on my face. “You’ve looked for guys on apps?”
“What can I say? I’m a man of many tastes,” Kellan said, and Josh scoffed. “I told you I’ve dated a guy before, and this is what shocks you?”
“Well, yeah,” Josh said. “It’s one thing to have a guy happen to you like with Ethan…”
“And another thing completely to go looking for this shit,” I finished for him. “Wait what’s your type?”
“Am I your type?” Josh teased.
“I don’t know,” Kellan said, taking the question entirely too seriously. “Face, yeah, but I’d need to see some nudes to know for—hey!” He yelped the last word as Josh launched a pillow at his head.
“I guess if you’re looking for motivation to put up with what you’re going through,” Josh said, “if you stick it out, you’ll never have to deal with Grindr.”
I laughed in spite of myself.
With the semester coming to an end and finals on the horizon, I often had plenty to distract me from boy problems, but that didn’t stop my mind from wandering at inopportune times.
I would find myself zoning out in the middle of important lectures, thinking over the situation I’d found myself in with Grey and worrying about the band.
Martin’s arrival had brought on so much extra worry.
From not seeing Grey as much to now having to closet myself, one thing was for sure: I hated Martin with a burning passion I hadn’t known I was capable of before.
I also couldn’t help but notice that I’d had much less to worry about when I’d only been involved with girls.