Chapter Eleven #2
“Just tell me what I have to do to make this right, Graham, and I’ll do it. I’m sorry that I never looked for you, and I’m sorry I let myself get tripped up by the anger. I’m a different man now.”
Graham hadn’t been expecting this.
Not.
At.
All.
What he’d expected was for the man to be cavalier and break his heart out of cruelty. From what he’d just said, that wasn’t his intention.
Could Graham get that lucky?
Were the pats to his ass, the holding of his hand, and saving him from the snake, his way of showing him that he was back?
And he wanted him?
It was clear that Graham had spent too much time slumming it with assholes who wanted to hurt him, that he’d made that everyone’s response to him.
And it wasn’t.
“I’m not upset with you, D’Artangnan,” he admitted. “I’m scared you’re restarting something and then you’re going to leave me behind again.”
Michael moved closer.
He would do anything to reassure Graham that he wanted more.
That he wanted…all.
“I’m stuck in that loop of ‘what if he does go’ and ‘how can I stop him’ in my head. I just don’t know if I’m enough to make you stay this time either. Then, throw in how you’re easily adjusting to this, and being affectionate…”
Yeah, Michael had fucked this up.
The man was second-guessing himself, and there was no need to do that.
Michael was all in.
“Does my affection bother you?” he asked. “I’m just behaving like I normally did with you. I can stop if it’s annoying. I understand that you might not want me to be affectionate and that you’re a different person now, too. People change.”
He didn’t want him to stop.
“Is this all real?” he asked. “Are you real?”
Michael was worried about him. Honestly, he was beginning to think the negative energy here might be affecting him.
“I’m real, Graham. It’s real. You just have to tell me what you want,” he said.
God.
He wanted this to be real so he could have D’Artangnan back.
When he didn’t answer, Michael went there, willing to let the man decide. He knew that Graham had looked for him, and held out hope when he didn’t. He wasn’t the saint here.
Graham was.
“Do you want me to stay?” he asked, figuring that was the first step.
There was a pause.
A LONG ONE.
Now, Michael was freaked out.
“Well, that doesn’t make me feel secure,” Michael admitted. “If you have to think about it…”
He stopped him.
“I never wanted you to leave. I lost seven and a half years, D’Artangnan. I didn’t come out of this paralyzing stasis with time like you did. I was trapped here. I lived in its darkness. I never got a chance to get over you.”
Uh-oh.
Michael got that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that it might just be too late. All of his plans might not matter if the man opted to not take him back.
It was sounding like Graham couldn’t, or wouldn’t, adjust to him now.
“Graham,” Michael said, moving closer.
The man stared into his eyes.
“I’m scared. God. I’m so scared of this moment,” he admitted.
It was rare he’d ever heard Graham say those words since he didn’t frighten easily, but he understood why he was scared.
They’d both done some damage to this relationship, but Michael believed anything worth having was worth fighting for, and he was going to do that.
He wouldn’t walk like last time.
If Graham wouldn’t take him back, he was moving here to make sure he could give himself time to adjust.
Michael was going balls to the wall on this one. He wanted him back, and there was NOTHING he wouldn’t do to get him.
So, in order for Michael to understand, he was telling him everything he was thinking.
“Here’s what I want,” he said, planning on being honest. “If it’s what you want, we’ll progress. Last time, we didn’t share our plans, and we both assumed. I don’t want that to happen again.”
Graham waited.
“I am willing to quit my job to come here to live. I’ve made a lot of money over the last seven years. I can buy us a really nice place, and we can get married and have a life here. I’m willing to give you what you need because I was an idiot before.”
Graham had tears slip down his cheeks.
The ‘M’ word caught him off guard.
Honestly, he never thought anyone would want or love him again.
But D’Artangnan was saying that was false.
“I want to be with you, Graham. Yes, I moved on, but it was never the same. He wasn’t you.
For six years, I was by myself, and I got desperate not to die alone.
So, I picked someone who would ‘do’, but I don’t want to settle.
I’ve always been chasing this,” he said, pointing at him.
“Us, and I’ve never found it until I felt it again with you. ”
Graham was holding onto that last little piece of hope. It was all he had left. He had to believe D’Artangnan wasn’t setting him up to devastate him out of revenge, but instead, being honest.
“Really?” he asked.
Michael nodded.
“I’d call Elizabeth right now and resign, except she’ll kick my ass for calling before she’s up for the day. They just got off a case, and she’s likely not awake yet.”
He knew from talking to Callen that she wasn’t.
Michael was staring into his green eyes, and he wanted to fight for Graham until the end of his days. He needed to be here for him.
They’d be each other’s heroes.
If he’d let him.
Touching his face with his warm palm, he stood before him, stripped bare, and willing to do the work to make their relationship have a different outcome this time.
Cowards ran.
And Michael was no longer a coward.
“Tell me what you want. Do you want to be with me?” Michael asked.
Graham couldn’t believe this.
This had to be a dream.
“You want to be with me, even though you know what I’ve done? What I’ve become?” Graham asked.
He lifted a brow.
Michael was confused.
“What have you become?” he asked. “To me, you’re the same man you were.”
He said one word, and it hung there.
It was powerful, but not in a good way.
“Pathetic.”
Michael didn’t move his hand from Graham’s cheek, and he didn’t break that gaze into his eyes.
No.
He stayed the course this time.
“You told me about sleeping around, and even before you told me, I knew about the men who got your number from the pub.”
Oh, God.
That hung there.
Just when Graham couldn’t think he could feel dirtier, viler, and less attractive, the ugliness came out.
Michael was honest.
“When I left here yesterday, I went to go get a drink, and when I was in the bathroom, there were two guys talking about someone. Later, I found out that someone was you.”
Graham felt like he was having a panic attack. The last thing he wanted this man to know was all the gross details of his last seven years.
How he’d degraded himself to feel.
How he’d hated himself so much that he’d stooped that low.
How he’d become…unrecognizable.
His plan was to never tell him the details of his debauchery, or how he’d been at rock bottom so much that he let men do disgusting things to him to break him.
Out of penance for his sins.
When he went to turn and break their gaze into each other’s eyes, Michael stopped him.
“Graham,” he said. “Stop.”
He couldn’t move.
Graham was now paralyzed with fear.
Michael continued.
“I saw the phone number, and I scraped it off the bathroom wall. I took care of it because no one is going to talk about you like that. I’ll kick the shit out of anyone who degrades you like I saw on that wall, Graham.
I love you. I never stopped loving you. What I want is a second chance to prove I’m a better man than I behaved like seven and a half years ago,” he said.
He couldn’t take it any longer.
The dam broke.
Graham started crying, and Michael opened his arms and pulled him into his body to hold him.
To protect him.
To love him through the storm.
Oh, he understood.
This had been a rough patch for both of them. He was absolutely going to get this man to marry him.
“I have you, Graham. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll make it happen. I went about it wrong last time, but now…I want to make it right.”
Graham held onto him, and there was such safety in his arms. For the first time in a very long time, he felt like he would be okay.
Callen and Gryphen said that this man was a good man, and he had just enough faith left to hold on. Plus, a man who would scrape his phone number off a wall to save him…
That was decency.
That was compassion.
Those were the traits he’d fallen in love with when he first met D’Artangnan. It was the man feeding a stray dog in the desert, giving it half of his food and going without because all things deserved to live.
It was how he always gave the Afghani children candy he carried in his pocket, and got help for one of the children who lost his leg to an IED.
This man had been a hero, and once more, he was saving someone who needed him.
“D’Artangnan,” he whispered, his face buried in his neck.
“I have you,” he admitted.
Michael held him up because he could. Out of the two of them, he saw that Graham had suffered more than he had. That his pain was nothing compared to his.
They stood there a few minutes, and finally, Graham had the courage to ask.
“Did you mean it?” he asked. “About staying?”
Michael hugged him tighter.
“Yes. I’m staying, unless you want to get the hell out of here. If that’s the case, we can go anywhere you want. I’m flush with cash now, Baby. I can buy us a house, and we can have a life. The war is over,” he whispered. “We’re going to go home.”
Graham couldn’t believe it.
Those were words they had prayed for when they’d been stationed in the worst places. They dreamed that they’d be able to do that together.
To leave as one.
Now, they’d made it.
There was no way he deserved this, but he got it, and for that, he was grateful. The circle was closed, and he’d found his way back to D’Artangnan.
“Maybe we should go,” he whispered. “Then, you won’t have to hear about how I was a whore.”
Michael laughed.
When Graham looked up, he wiggled his eyebrows and smiled lecherously.