Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Alivia
“Put your job out of your head, you’re not going to lose it, if that’s what you’re worried about. But if you want me to kiss you, then you need to come here. Now.”
His words were swirling around in my head, causing me to take a step toward him. But before our bodies slammed together, I placed my hand on his chest, remembering the muscles, the hardness, the grooves that were so well defined.
It had been too long since I’d touched him, and I missed the feel of him beneath my fingers.
I couldn’t say a word until I got my thoughts straight because I hadn’t anticipated this.
Lex had told me he was obsessed with me.
I wanted to believe her. Whenever I felt his eyes on me in the kitchen, or the way he’d stopped me from falling in the hallway, how his hands stayed on me longer than they needed to, how he’d stalked me online—those were all signs, proving that she was right.
But Walker had made it clear during our time in the hotel that I shouldn’t have expectations. His life was complicated as fuck, as he’d put it, and he was stretched far too thin, left with very little time for anything other than work.
Had that changed?
Had he developed feelings?
Did he want the same thing as me?
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only issue …
“Some people don’t like to let it all out, in fear that once those words are spoken, they can’t take them back.” He put his hand on top of mine, and I wanted to melt into it. “Let it out, Alivia. Say whatever you need to. But please just say something.”
“This is the part that doesn’t come easy for me. I keep everything in.”
Was that where the tightness in my chest had come from? Was that why my heart felt like I’d been running around the dining room rather than standing here, frozen?
“You don’t have to do that with me. You can be honest. You can say whatever is on your mind. I don’t care how ugly or beautiful those words are, just say them.”
I lifted my shoulders, the emotion pulling at me. “You want honesty? Here you go. If this job didn’t mean everything to me, I’d be throwing myself at you right now.”
He huffed, but the seriousness didn’t leave his expression. “I know you appreciate your position here.”
“You know, but you don’t know all of it.
What I’ve told you is only some of it.” My stomach began to ache.
“I don’t just want this job. I need this job, Walker.
And even though I want to put my lips on you, you’re my boss.
You control my future here.” My hand went to my chest, trying to slow down my heart rate.
“I can’t risk that. I can’t take the chance of losing this income.
Because even with both jobs, it’s not enough. ”
I wanted to be the type of person who didn’t think before she acted. Who would jump into his arms and deal with the consequences after.
But I couldn’t.
I lived the consequences of every decision my mother had made.
I knew better.
I wouldn’t make her mistakes.
“But trust me when I say …” I whispered. “All I want to do is kiss you.”
“Listen to me. Listen to every word I’m about to tell you.
” His tone was at its deepest, but it wasn’t loud.
“Nothing will happen to you. I will guarantee that. You can put your lips anywhere on me, and Charred will be your employer for as long as you want it to be. I’ll put that in writing if you want me to. ”
“I …” I shook my head. And when that didn’t feel like enough, I tilted it back like I was swallowing a pill. It was as though I was trying to push his reply into my body. “I don’t know.”
“You’re not going anywhere, Alivia.” He lifted my hand to his face, pressing his nose against the back of my palm, his mouth going to my knuckles.
“In fact, Rachel has been so impressed with how well you’ve been doing that she’s promoting you to a server next week.
She told me that a few days ago. I had nothing to do with it. ”
“What?”
His brows lifted. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Yes, but …” How could I describe this to him?
How could I tell him how I felt? Some could just put those words into the universe, but I couldn’t.
The universe hadn’t been the kindest to me.
And aside from Lex, I’d never had anyone to talk to.
“My life hasn’t been this magical dream that’s full of unicorns and rainbows.
Not even close. What it really looks like is a compilation of things I’ve feared that have ultimately come true and event after event that have taught me the hardest lessons in life. ”
I held the tears back as I went quiet, but they were there. And they could fall at any second. “So, when I hear something like this—something that’s actually good—I immediately think of the bad that will happen to offset it.”
I didn’t want to talk about Dean. I didn’t want to talk about the men before him.
I didn’t want to talk about the homes we’d lived in or the cars we’d slept in or how I could never find my footing in any of the schools I had gone to because I wasn’t there long enough—things I’d touched on with him, but not gone into detail.
I was either cleaning up my mother or hiding behind the door from the men she was with—that was mostly what my life had looked like for twenty-three years.
I said instead, “So, while I hear you say I’m getting a promotion, it’s hard for me to see how amazing that is without instantly questioning what horrible thing is also going to happen.”
“Alivia …” I’d never heard his voice so soft. “I beg you, don’t let that even cross your mind.”
His hands surrounded my face, and I let myself, for just a small moment, lean into his palm and close my eyes and take in the feel of his protectiveness.
Oh God, it feels so good.
“Even if I did kiss you, it wouldn’t end there, Walker.
You would have my clothes off in seconds, and tomorrow morning, I’d wake up and wonder what the hell I’d done.
” I rubbed the center of my stomach, the pain inside peaking as I stared into his beautiful green eyes.
“I’d want more. And I’d show up here for my shift, knowing the man I’d given my body to last night didn’t want the same. I can’t—”
“You’re wrong.”
I pushed deep into the side of my ribs. “No. You told me not to have any expectations. You told me you’re stretched far too thin—”
“I told you that before I had any idea what kind of power you possess. I told you that after two nights of ravishing your body, and at the time, that was all I wanted and all I could think about. I don’t feel that way now.
” Still gripping my cheeks, he brought me in a little closer.
“Since you started at this restaurant, you’ve made me feel things I didn’t know I wanted, that I didn’t know I was even ready for.
Alivia …” He put his forehead on mine. “Aside from my family, you’re the only thing that has brought me happiness in such a long time. ”
His admission rocked through me.
The hurt that churned in my stomach came to a halt.
“What are you saying, Walker? Are you telling me … you want more too?”
He pulled away just enough so that we could lock eyes. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”
“But—”
“There are no buts. This is how I feel, and nothing will change that. There is no negative, no bad to offset the good.” He squeezed me harder. “You have to believe that.”
The first tear dripped over my eyelid, and he caught it.
“But what if you learn things you don’t like?”
“What if you learn things about me that you don’t like? Ask anyone in this fucking restaurant—I’m not an easy man to get along with. I’m insufferable, remember?” He smiled. “As you said yourself, I’m a dick.”
Oh God.
I scrunched my eyes closed, taking a breath. “What if you wake up one morning and decide you can’t stand me anymore?” Because how many times had that happened to my mom? How many men had kicked us out and we had nowhere to go? “What if you decide you can’t work at Charred if I’m here too?”
“First of all, that’s not going to happen.”
“But—”
“Second of all, do you know how many locations of Charred we have? Do you know how easy of a fix that would be?”
“I would be the one leaving.”
“No, I would be. I don’t want to be here anyway. You’re the only reason I show up every evening.” When his hands spread further across my face, his thumb dragged over my lips. “And every moment I haven’t been able to touch you, I’ve gotten angrier.”
“What’s stopped you from touching me?”
“Being your boss.” He went quiet. “Deep down—and this is something I don’t think I’ve even admitted to myself—a part of me thought that eventually, I’d get to the point where I couldn’t take another second of working here and I’d quit, and that was when I’d tell you how I felt about you.
But then I found myself coming here just to see you, and this cycle has gone on for weeks.
” His hands dropped, and he surrounded my waist. He lifted me onto the counter, standing in front of me, his fingers returning to my cheeks.
“I know the financial impact this job has on you. You have to trust me when I say this job will always be yours. The same way I trusted you when you said you wouldn’t tell the team that anything had happened between us.
My entire family wanted you to sign an NDA, but not me. ”
I held his shoulders. “Why didn’t you have me sign one?”
Even though he was holding my face, I could still feel him on the sides of my waist.
His strength.
His power.
It was overwhelming, and I wanted more.
“I didn’t want a legal document between us. I didn’t want our time in that hotel room to feel like a transaction.” He paused. “It was so much more to me than that.”
What had once throbbed in the worst way was now filled with warmth.
With emotion.
With feelings I never thought I’d have.
“I don’t know what more is going to look like,” he admitted. “I don’t know how it’ll play out here in this restaurant or with you working two jobs and the only time we get to spend together are the hours you should be sleeping. But I want us to figure it out. I want that more than anything.”
I intertwined my fingers behind his neck, and I leaned in so we were only inches apart. “Walker, I want that too.”
“Baby … please …” He tilted my face up. “Just fucking kiss me.”