From Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
Are you actually coming here, because if you are, we really need to get our story straight. I mean, you cannot tell everyone you’re called Charlie Jones. You know that, right?
PS Thank you. I left the pub. I went to the beach. It helped.
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
Hello, queen of subterfuge here. You dated me for a year and it took you that long to realize I drank gin most mornings. I think I can handle hanging out with your new friends without giving the game away, Oliver.
PS Well done—I knew you would!!
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
OK, so, also do not call me Oliver.
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
LOL! Yes, of course! Starting now, I’m on it, JONES. Who shall I be? I’ve always liked the name Absurdia—Fearne and I went to the circus once on a school trip and the woman who walked the tightrope had that name, and I’ve loved it ever since.
I’m so excited. You know I’ve been ADDICTED to your emails (a healthier option, though, right?!)—meeting everyone is going to be like meeting celebrities. I wonder if Rog will sign my boobs.
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
You cannot call yourself Absurdia. That’s a totally weird name. You need to not draw attention to yourself. Which flight will you be on? What’s your ferry?
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
Flight details and ferry details attached! Can’t wait to see you, dear friend xx
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
Charlie, you’re going to be here tonight? I haven’t sorted you anywhere to stay!
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
Can’t I just crash on your sofa at the stables?
I know it’s a bit of a squeeze with your excellently named roommate living there, too (DYING to meet her), but you know I’m not fussy.
Since I’ve stopped drinking I sleep like a LOG, by the way—who knew the whole insomnia thing was totally alcohol related!
I thought it was meant to HELP you sleep.
No more 3 a.m. self-hating for me, though! Aren’t you proud?
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
I’m really proud. You know I am. But you cannot sleep on my sofa.
Things with Charlie…as in, Ormer Charlie…
are really new and positive right now, and my ex-girlfriend turning up with a ridiculous fake name is definitely likely to throw a wrench in the works.
I’m going to find you a place to stay, though—there must be somewhere, we’re coming out of high season now.
This is such a mess, Charlie. The lies I told to get here seemed so harmless when we were cooking it all up in your kitchen, but I’m falling in love with this woman, and I just don’t think I’m a person who can build a genuine future without sharing the past. I can hardly bear to type it, but as I was sitting on the beach last night I realized…
part of the reason I’m feeling shitty again is because I know I’m doing something wrong now. And I have to make it right.
I have to tell her how I ended up here, being Charlie Jones.
How I was desperate, lost, didn’t stand a chance at quitting drinking if you and I kept living the life we’d been living together, with Fearne’s absence at every turn…
How you gave me the fresh start you’d found for yourself, and said I could just call myself Charlie Jones, and it sounded so easy, kind of fun, really, the sort of thing Fearne would find hilarious…
Oh, God, it looks even worse than I thought now I’ve written it all out.
I do have to tell Charlie, don’t I? I’ve been dodging that truth for weeks, but your email saying you were on your way was a total shock to the system. I’ve lived as Charlie Jones for two months now. Sometimes I almost forget that you’re real, and I’m not.
You know I’m looking forward to seeing you, but I have to ask…
are you coming here to take it all? The job, the new life?
This is a really awful, unacceptable thing to say, but I don’t know if I’m quite ready to give it back.
I love it here. I’m sober, I’ve got friends, I’m falling for someone, I’m settled.
Fucking hell, I like myself when I’m Charlie Jones.
This whole crazy plan of yours actually worked—I am Jones to all the people in my life here.
I have made a proper, genuine fresh start.
I’m so sorry. I know I owe you so much. If you want the name, the job, it’s obviously yours to have back.
I’ll confess it all to everyone right now if you need me to.
But I’d really love to be able to stay here on this island, somehow.
If we can find a way. If Charlie can ever trust me when she knows the truth.
From: Charlie Jones
To: Charlie Jones
Subject: Re: Are you actually coming to Ormer???
OMG, Oliver, I don’t want to take your new life away from you!
I’m SO happy you’re doing so well. And I know that when I gave you this opportunity (and my favorite cap) I was giving it to you for good (though actually I really miss my CJ cap so maybe I could have that back.
Kidding. Kind of. It just REALLY goes with my brown leather jacket!).
So yeah, no, I’m not trying to steal this life from you. I just want to come and be part of it. You can keep being Jones the farm shop manager if you like. Maybe you can just employ your old mate Absurdia.
That said, I think it’s a great idea for you to tell new Charlie about your real name.
It’s only a name, anyway—like I said when we decided you’d take the job, you’re still you!
You’re just borrowing my helpfully unisex name, given to me by parents who weren’t even my real parents and never loved me anyway.
And if you’re feeling bad because you didn’t technically earn the job, well, we all know my CV was pretty fictitious anyway, and yours would have been way better.
You’ve done a million retail jobs alongside racing and you were always amazing when you helped out at Vintage, Please, plus pub work is still customer facing, so your last job was pretty relevant, too. So…nothing to feel bad about.
I’m sure new Charlie will get it. If not, you can always file a petition to have your name changed and then you’re not even lying about it, LOL. But yeah, maybe tell her soon.
I have a cool idea on accommodation. Couldn’t I just crash in the spare room at Bramblebay Farmhouse, at the B&B?
! What was it called—Puffin room? I’ll basically just want somewhere to shower and sleep after all the traveling.
You don’t even have to tell Rosie and Marly I’m there tonight, I’ll be quiet as a mouse.
Just leave me with some good snacks, go tell the woman you love that you love her and you’re actually called Oliver (no biggie) and then let me come and join the fun tomorrow morning!
Can’t wait to meet your new Charlie Jones. As if you fell in love with another one. What are the chances?!
C x