Chapter 42 #2
“I went to see Lila before you left. Sylas and I went together. And I finally decided to take off my ring. Not because I’m trying to show you some dramatic proof that I’m suddenly healed. I’m not. I don’t think grief works that cleanly.”
Tiana’s eyes are glistening.
“I realized I was wearing it like armor,” I continue. “If I kept it on, I could keep punishing myself and call it loyalty. I don’t want to do that anymore. Not to myself. Not to Sylas. And not to you.”
Another tear falls down Tiana’s cheek before she can catch it.
I take a breath that scrapes its way through my chest. “I loved Lila. She was my wife, and she gave me my son, and nothing will ever make that love smaller. But I am in love with you, Tiana. In this life. In every impossible, inconvenient, terrifying part of right now.”
Tiana closes her eyes.
“I love the way you are with Sylas. I love that you make him feel safe without pretending. I love that you call my house stupid and then somehow make it feel like a home. I love your sassy mouth and your dramatic arguments and how you turn to sarcasm before anyone can see how soft you are.”
A small sound leaves her, a half laugh.
“I love you enough to stop hiding behind a screen,” I say, voice roughening. “I love you enough to stand here and let you hate me if that is what you need to do.”
Her eyes open slowly.
“Tiana, I’m sorry.” My voice breaks. “I’m sorry for the account.
I’m sorry for taking your trust when you thought you were giving it to someone else.
I’m sorry for every morning I made you feel like I regretted you.
I don’t. I could never regret you. And I apologize for letting my grief become a weapon I kept accidentally cutting you with. ”
She wipes her cheek, but more tears follow.
I want to touch her so badly my hands ache.
“If you walk away tonight, I won’t stop you,” I say.
“If you want to leave when we get back to Seattle, I will figure out how to give you whatever distance you need. I promise I will give you nothing but respect and honesty from now on; I’m sorry that I didn’t learn how to sooner.
” My throat works around the last words.
“But I couldn’t let you leave here thinking everything happened because you meant nothing.
” I hold her gaze, letting her see the ruin she has made of me, because maybe she deserves that truth too.
“It happened because you meant so much that I became terrified of being the man who wanted you, who could deserve you. And that is my failure, not yours.”
Tiana stares at me for a long moment. Then she looks away. “You don’t get to say you love me and expect me to forget that you let me feel safe with a lie.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
“I don’t expect that.”
“And I don’t know what to do with the fact that part of me wants to believe you.”
My chest cracks open.
Her breathing is uneven now, her shoulders rising and falling beneath the thin straps of her dress.
“I can’t forgive you tonight,” Tiana says.
I nod. “I know.”
“I don’t know if I can forgive you at all.” Her eyes search mine, almost pleading now, as if she wants me to argue, to push, to make this easier by becoming the kind of man she can hate without hesitation.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness tonight,” I say. “I’m simply asking you to know the truth before you decide what to do with me.”
Tiana doesn’t answer. She just stands there, arms wrapped around herself, shoulders trembling. She has stopped crying, but she seems to be forcing herself back together.
I look at the car, then back at her. I open the driver’s side door and step back. “Sit down.”
She still has enough fight in her to glare at me.
I soften my voice. “Please. You’re shaking.”
At first, I think she’ll refuse just because I asked, and I wouldn’t blame her. She hesitates, then lowers herself onto the edge of the seat, turning her face away from me. Her heels stay planted on the pavement, knees angled toward the open door, one hand gripping the steering wheel.
I stay where I am, giving her the space. But when her body trembles, and she looks at me, her facial expression torn between anger and something that looks too much like the same hunger clawing through me, every lie I’ve ever told myself about restraint burns to ash.
I slowly move closer.
“Griffin,” she warns, throat working. The air between us tightens until there is barely any room left for breath.
I step in front of her, standing between the open door, one hand braced on the frame above her head because if I don’t hold on to something, I might reach for her before she gives me permission. She tips her chin up, and the movement puts her mouth dangerously close to mine.
There is a slight tremble in her lower lip. Her breath brushes mine.
“Tiana,” I whisper.
Her eyes flutter, then open again, darker now. Furious, wanting.
“Don’t,” she says, but the word has no force behind it.
I lower my head until our foreheads almost touch.
“I won’t do anything you don’t ask for.”
Her fingers tighten around the steering wheel.
“I hate you a lot right now,” she mutters.
“I know.”
“And I’m still mad.”
“You should be.”
“And this doesn’t fix anything.”
“No.”
Her eyes drop to my mouth and my entire body locks around the sight.
My heart pounds so hard I feel it in my hands, in my throat, in the bare place on my left ring finger where an old vow used to sit.
“Kiss me, Hayes.”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
I don’t hesitate, lowering my mouth to hers.
The first touch is soft. For a moment, Tiana doesn’t move. Then her hand leaves the steering wheel and fists the front of my shirt, pulling me closer.
A sound tears out of me, half relief, half ruin, and I kiss her again, deeper this time, one hand cupping the side of her face while the other grips the doorframe hard.
She tastes like tears and lipstick and every night I’ve spent staring at my phone, pretending a message from her was enough when all I wanted was this.
Her. The real her. Furious. In my arms.
“I missed you,” I breathe against her mouth.
Tiana kisses me harder instead of answering.
I take it because I deserve the punishment.
“I missed your mouth,” I whisper between kisses. “Your voice. Your hands on me.”
Her fingers tighten in my shirt.
“Griffin.”
“I miss you in my house,” I say, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth, then another along her jaw because I cannot stop now that she has let me close. “I miss you fighting with me. I miss the way you look at me when you think I’m being stubborn.”
“You are stubborn,” she whispers, but her voice shakes.
My thumb brushes over her cheek, catching the last trace of a tear. Her eyes open, and the pain in them is still there.
I kiss her again, slower, claiming her.
“I miss touching you,” I murmur against her lips.
Tiana’s breath catches. Then she pushes at my chest. I pull back immediately, hands lifting away from her.
She stares up at me, lips swollen, eyes shining, chest rising and falling too fast beneath the thin straps of her dress.
My heart is trying to claw its way toward hers even though I have no right to ask for anything more.
Tiana touches her fingers to her mouth like she is trying to understand what just happened. Then her eyes lift to mine and she is kissing me again, and this time, it’s nothing like punishment.
Tiana’s hands move up my chest to my throat, the pads of her fingers pressing to the pulse. I let her hold me there, feeling my heart and what she does to me.
My mouth is on hers, but my mind is busy memorizing the tremble in her bottom lip, the way her body fits to mine, the excruciating relief of being allowed to want her again.
I push her hair back, mouth to her jawline, and taste the salt of her skin. I move lower, to the tender place under her ear, and she makes a sound, desperate for more. Her hands slide up to my nape.
Tiana tilts her head, baring her throat to me. I take the invitation, kissing down her neck, teeth grazing her pulse. My hands find her hips and anchor there. Her breath shudders, and I feel it everywhere.
I work my way lower, letting my mouth wander to the hollow at the base of her throat, running my tongue there before grazing it with my teeth.
The dress she’s wearing is barely there, just a slip of silk held by two thin straps.
I slip one all the way down until she’s half bare to the moonlit parking lot.
She whimpers when my thumb brushes her nipple and her head falls back.
I press my mouth to her nipple, and suck.
Her hands are everywhere; squeezing my shoulders, sliding up into my hair, bracing around my neck like she’s afraid to let go. My hands slip lower, greedy for more. I want to touch every inch of her, claim every mark, make her mine so there isn’t a single part of her that doubts who she belongs to.
She fists both hands in my hair, pulling my face back to look at me properly. Her eyes are wide and glazed, cheeks flushed. “Griffin, wait. We can’t… I can’t do this if you’re just going to disappear or lie to me again.”
“I will never make those same mistakes again, Tiana.”
My hand moves to her jaw, tilting her face up to mine. “I’m not going anywhere, sugar. Not like that. Not ever again.”
Tiana’s lips are parted, and I want so badly to close the distance again that it physically hurts to hold still.
“You have every reason in the world not to trust me. I’m going to show you that you can —however long it takes. Every day. I’m not asking you to believe me now. I’m just asking you to give me a chance to earn it.”
She swallows hard. “And what if I turn you down?”
“I’ll still be here. However you want me.”
Tiana studies my face like it might be the last time. Her thumb sweeps once under my jaw, slow and thoughtful. “You don’t get to destroy me just because you’re hurting, Griffin.”