Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ashley
In some ways, it’s unbelievable. Had anyone suggested it was possible to so thoroughly ignore and avoid someone you lived with, I’d have scoffed at the notion.
Paige’s dedication to staying away from the house would have been impressive if it hadn’t been so infuriating.
No problem has ever been solved by running away from it.
As I stood in the kitchen and realized Paige was going to fully commit to pretending things aren’t broken between us, I couldn’t stay there without blowing a gasket.
After getting the kids set up in the living room, I had to get out of there.
Not sure I want to know whatever Gwen and Paige were whispering about in the kitchen.
The little bit I heard before I left didn't exactly ease my mind—when was Paige going to tell me about the Michigan offer?
Since we’ve grown closer, Paige’s desire for a promotion was never a secret, and she thought her best chances were back in America. She’s gotten this far this young because she’s so focused and determined and driven. But it’s bloody awful to feel like I’m being cast aside without a say.
Since Imogen has been hounding me all week about a decision or a meetup, I decided that I might as well share my epiphany with her sooner rather than later.
If nothing else, I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect this week.
My head is finally clear, and I know what I want, even if I’m not sure I can get it.
At the pub, I order a fizzy drink, and I wait for Imogen to arrive.
Alcohol would make me rash and possibly cruel, and neither of those is something I need.
I could have waited until tomorrow to have it out with Imogen, but I’ve had enough avoidance this week.
Besides, I don’t need Toby trying to support his daughter in all the wrong ways.
She doesn’t need to be coddled; she needs to face reality.
Imogen’s attitude has been frustrating me, and while Paige is normally a balancing influence in my life, she’s been a source of even greater stress.
If she doesn’t want to be with me, she can bloody well say it to my face.
I might have fucked up the other night, but she’s compounded it by refusing to speak to me in person all week.
Random texts that are simply an exchange of important details don’t work for me.
I’m not living like that for another eleven weeks, even if it means Chloe and I have to move out.
If nothing else, Paige’s attitude has forced me to be realistic about what I’m willing to accept or not accept with both women.
As the door to the pub opens, I fire off a group text to Gwen and Diya with my plan for tonight. One way or another, Paige and I are talking. Even if I have to tie her to the bed to do it.
“Ash,” Imogen says as she sets her handbag on the seat beside her and fluffs her hair. “I was glad you rang.”
I wince. She may not be glad for long.
“I’ve thought about what you had to say last week,” I say. “And I’m open to you spending more time with Chloe, but I’m not part of the custody deal we make.”
Any hint of color leaves her already pale face. “Ash.”
“You disappeared, Immy, and I fell in love with someone else. I can’t help it. Can’t change it, and if I’m completely honest, I don’t want to. I’m happy, and I want you to be happy too.”
Tears pool in her brown eyes, and she searches my face. “You can’t mean this. Chloe should have both her parents together, in the same house.”
“You didn’t even tell me you’d come back.” I rotate the glass in front of me. If I was so important, wouldn’t she come to me first? Begged for forgiveness? Offered an explanation? When someone wants you back, they don’t hide from you.
“I wanted to be sure.” She purses her lips. “I needed to be sure before I spoke to you.”
“About me?”
“I’ve always been sure about you. Always.”
She doesn’t clarify, and my heart drops. She can’t mean what I think she means. “You weren’t sure about Chloe?”
“About being a mum, yeah. It’s not something—I wasn’t sure.”
“And now?” She never revealed herself to me, I discovered her at her parents when I arrived early, and it occurs to me that I might not like any of her answers today either.
“I want you and Chloe. A package deal. I don’t want to be a single mum. That’s not why I had her, and it’s not why I came back.”
I rub my neck, and I try to find the right words for what I’m sure I need to ask, but for Chloe’s sake, I’m not sure I want to know. “There is no package. Me and you won’t happen again. What do you reckon that means for you and Chloe?”
“Don’t know. I mean . . . I never thought . . . You’ve always loved me, Ash. Don’t remember a time when you didn’t love me. We’ve been together since we were fifteen. If you just—if we just—you can again. You can.” Her chin trembles.
“Even if I could, the things that I want, the person I am, it’s all different.
” I stare into the fizzy liquid in my glass.
“I’ll keep Chloe, and you can see her as much or as little as you want.
As long as you’re clean and in a good place, mentally, I’ll never keep her from you.
But I don’t want her living with you if there’s even a little part of you that doesn’t want her.
I don’t want anything to dim her light if I can help it. ”
“You really love her more than you ever loved me, don’t you?” Her tone is accusing.
I’m not sure if she means Paige or Chloe, but the answer is the same regardless. It’s also a bloody knife to Imogen’s heart to say it out loud.
“I’ve made my choice,” I say. “No matter how many times you ask, or how many times Toby does, the answer won’t change. I’m not the man I was a year ago, and I’ve got no desire to go back—to any of it.”
“She’s leaving, Ash. She told me she wouldn’t interfere in your decision. What did she tell you? I don’t understand why you’re doing this when she’s not staying. We could be a family.”
Ice shoots through my veins, and I go very still. “You’ve spoken to Paige?”
Imogen’s eyes go wide, and then her jaw sets, but she doesn’t say anything.
“You went behind my back to speak to Paige?” Imogen seems intent on blowing away any wisp of feeling that might have still existed in me.
I can only imagine what she said to Paige, and it makes me wonder if that conversation is what caused Paige to avoid talking to me about any future plans.
“You don’t fucking do that, Imogen. Do you understand?
You’re not someone who gets to interfere in my life anymore. ”
Tears fill her eyes, and I realize my tone got a bit harsh. For Chloe’s sake, I don’t want a shitty relationship with Imogen, but she’s got to respect the new boundaries between us. Paige and Joey are one hundred percent off-limits to her.
The thing she doesn’t get, that her parents don’t get, is that my reasons for not going back to her are as a result of Paige, but they aren’t because of Paige.
It’s a distinction I’m not sure Imogen would understand even if I could find the words to explain it properly.
I want more than what I had with Imogen, and I understand now that it’s possible.
A level of happiness and certainty exists beyond anything I’ve ever felt before, and I’m not settling for anything less than what I’ve got right now with Paige.
Or rather, what I had last week with Paige before I ruined it with my uncertainty.
Or maybe it was already ruined when she got the offer to return to Michigan and didn’t tell me.
Or when Imogen said whatever she said. I’d ask Immy, but I’m certain she’d lie to protect herself.
Suppose I’ll see where it all lands tonight with me and Paige.
“Things weren’t right between us. Deep down, you must know that too. And it’s not something we can fix.”
“But we could try.”
“The time for trying, where you and I are concerned, has long passed.”
I rise from my seat at the table, and I drain the rest of my drink while I’m on my feet. Hopefully, I’ve given Gwen enough time to get Paige out of the house for a bit. If I wasn’t so angry with Paige for avoiding me all week, I might be a bit nervous about what I’m planning to do.
“You can let me know whether you’re going to be involved in Chloe’s life tomorrow when I drop her round Toby and Flora’s.
” She might have thought I’d cave under the pressure of not having her in our lives at all, but she doesn’t understand how much I’ve learned this year.
This week with Paige gone so much has put my life into perspective.
Blotted out any hint of confusion. I’m capable of being enough for Chloe, and I’m not letting Imogen guilt me into a situation that’ll only breed misery—mine or Chloe’s and maybe even Imogen’s.
“Your parents are welcome to be involved, even if you don’t want to be. ”
“Ash.” Imogen rises and grips my forearm. Tears are slipping down her cheeks.
“I won’t change my mind. It’d be better if you focused on what you can have. Children need their mothers.”
Then I walk out of the pub to determine what I can salvage with Paige.