Chapter 23
Descriptive of a Very Significant Encounter and a Goodbye; Perhaps…
Xavier stood before the closed drawing room door, his forehead resting on the polished wood panels.
He should go inside. He needed to speak with Mrs. Chase. But he didn’t want to.
Not because he didn’t desire her company. He did, he always did. But because what he had to say to her were words he did not wish to utter. But he must. For the sake of Harriet, Bartholomew, and Gareth, he must.
He had an obligation. A duty of care. His wards deserved the very best life could offer, and he wanted to keep them safe.
He wanted to keep Mrs. Chase safe too.
That was the thought that gave him the push to do what he needed to do even though his heart was already hurting like hell. Like the devil himself was skewering him through the chest with a burning-hot poker. And the pain was only going to get worse.
Reaching out a gloved hand, Xavier opened the door.
Mrs. Chase was sitting by one of the large bay windows at one end of the room, looking out onto Belgrave Square.
And God damn it, she was wearing that vile lacy cap again.
Probably because she’d been interviewed by the headmistress of the Parasol Academy and needed to comply with their strict uniform policy.
She must have been lost in thought because she hadn’t heard him enter. He cleared his throat. “Mrs. Chase.”
Her attention immediately focused on him. And oh God, her large blue eyes already contained shadows. It seemed Mrs. Chase was the only person he was able to reliably read.
He approached her and she stood and curtsied. Yes, he’d been correct. She was apprehensive, perhaps even melancholy. Mrs. Temple must have already said something to her about her need to leave London. He wasn’t sure if that was going to make this conversation any harder, or easier.
There was only one way to find out.
“Mrs. Chase,” he repeated at the same time she “Your Graced” him. A smile quivered at the corner of her poor abused mouth.
If he could take her pain away, if he could make everything better, he would.
Which was why he had to put his own needs aside and say, “I want you to take my wards to Kingscliff Castle in Kent. You’ll all be far safer there, away from all this”—he waved a hand—“this chaos revolving around me. I don’t want anything to happen to Harry, Bartholomew, or Gareth. Or to you. Especially after today.”
She nodded. “I understand. Mrs. Temple already broached the subject with me. The last thing you need is to be distracted by concerns about the children’s safety. It’s just that…”
“Yes?” Xavier took a step closer.
The nanny’s gaze dropped to his necktie, which suddenly felt far too tight. “I shouldn’t even be saying this, but it will be hard to go,” she murmured.
Was that a catch in her voice?
Xavier swallowed to loosen the constriction in his own throat. “It won’t be forever. Just until I’ve submitted my plans to the Astronomer Royal at the start of next month.”
“That’s assuming Sir Randolph is behind this terrible campaign to hurt you,” she said. “If it’s Lord Peregrine, these attacks might continue for some time.”
“That’s true.” Now that Xavier had cooled down, he couldn’t fault Mrs. Chase’s logic. He reflected on the events of the day.
What if his uncle was the mastermind behind this insidious plot to paint him as mentally incompetent? What lengths would he go to in order to gather additional “evidence” in order to instigate a lunacy investigation trial?
His uncle had been present in Hyde Park when Gareth had been kidnapped.
He’d also witnessed Xavier’s subsequent attack on Sir Randolph.
He might very well challenge the Duke of St Lawrence’s sanity on the basis of those two incidents alone.
Not only could he accuse Xavier of not being able to take care of a child properly, but that he’d lost control and had physically attacked a “gentleman” in front of a crowd of people in broad daylight.
It was all rubbish of course, but facts could certainly be twisted to suit agendas.
Xavier sighed heavily. There were so many uncertainties and no clear answers.
“Whether it was Sir Randolph or my uncle, or another unknown party altogether who orchestrated Gareth’s kidnapping today, it’s still impossible to say,” he said.
“But I’m hopeful that Scotland Yard will turn up something useful.
In the meantime”—Xavier made himself smile—“you could view your time away as a summer holiday by the seaside. Like the ones you used to take with your family. In light of Dr. Fotheringham’s advice—he spoke with me a short time ago—it appears your father would benefit from convalescing in more salubrious climes.
The fresh sea air will do him a world of good. ”
It sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Mrs. Chase that this was a good idea. Although he’d told her that this time apart would only be for a month, somehow it felt like more than that. Something more significant.
It felt like he was ending something that had scarcely even begun.
Xavier’s head began to buzz uncomfortably with all the things that had been left unsaid because she was a nanny and he was a duke.
He suspected that Mrs. Chase knew that too.
His suspicions were confirmed a moment later when she ventured, “Yes. You’re right of course, Your Grace. But I can’t help feeling that this is more than a temporary goodbye.”
She met his gaze again, her expression stoic yet impossibly sad.
“Mrs. Temple reminded me that fraternization between employers and employees is forbidden. I think she suspects there might be something going on between us, an inappropriate attraction, and for so many reasons, we both know that we can never have anything more. Sending me away is sensible. It will give both of us the opportunity to… to put some distance between us. So we have the time and space to return to our own respective corners of the chessboard, so to speak.”
Xavier’s gaze lingered on Mrs. Chase’s face, taking note of her features, the set of her mouth, the shadows in her eyes. We both know that we can never have anything more…
He’d never been quite sure how Emmeline Chase felt about him beyond a degree of fondness and a strong physical attraction, but that one simple word “more” indicated that she might have developed deeper feelings for him.
That she’d started to fall in love with him.
His heart wanted to soar, yet it was plummeting down, down, down to the depths of despair.
“Emmeline,” he said, “a few weeks ago, I told you that I have the highest regard and admiration for you. And of course, my desire for you has been abundantly evident. But, I’m afraid all that was a lie. I… What I feel is more than that too.”
“Oh…” Hope or joy—some bright spark—flared, then just as quickly faded in Mrs. Chase’s lovely blue eyes. “I did wonder if you might care for me, even just a little,” she said softly, almost timidly. “Although, judging by your expression, I suspect there might be another ‘but’ or ‘however’ coming.”
Xavier tried to smile but it was a challenge to make his mouth work the way he wanted it to.
“You are correct,” he said gently. “I do feel something for you—an emotion that transcends mere lust and regard and a budding affection. But , I honestly don’t know if I can call it love.
And that’s what you deserve, Emmeline. A strong and abiding love from a good man whose heart is alive and beating and sure.
I’m not certain that I can give you what you need. ”
Even though Emmeline was frowning, she reached out and touched his arm. “You are a good man. You are a much better man than the one I married.”
Xavier shook his head. “I’m sorry, but how can you know that’s truly the case?
I don’t even know that. I’ve always been a man of science and logic, and when I try to analyze my own emotions and actions and responses, I simply cannot.
My hesitancy, my reluctance to put a name to what I feel about you stems from the fact that I’ve never been ‘in love’ before.
What’s more, I’ve never even been loved by anyone at all.
My parents certainly didn’t love me. The truth is, Emmeline, I-I don’t know what love looks like. ”
Xavier pressed his gloved fist against his chest. “Believe me, I wish I could trust what’s in here.
But I don’t. I worry that my heart is not quite right.
That it’s like a watch or clock that doesn’t have all its moving parts intact.
That it’s fundamentally broken. Or worse, that I’m like Gareth’s tin soldier—the abandoned one you found on the roof.
That I’m dented and scraped and virtually hollow and don’t have much of a heart at all. ”
Emmeline lifted her chin. There was a spark of challenge in her eyes as she said, “Of course you have a heart that’s flesh and blood, that feels and functions perfectly well, Your Grace.
And I think you care very much about your wards.
You show care and consideration for your staff.
You’ve told me you have a good friend, someone you’ve known since your days at Eton.
And you also have boundless affection for Horatio.
But…” She drew a breath. “But I do understand how difficult all of this is, navigating this… this uncharted territory between me and you. We’ve both been to places we should never have gone to.
Crossed lines we never should have crossed. ”
Xavier clutched his hands behind his back to stop himself reaching for Emmeline. To stop the gulf between them widening with each passing moment. “Difficult. That’s the operative word, isn’t it? I’ve… I’ve not been fair, Emmeline. I never meant to make things difficult for you. But I have.”