Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
M andy was nervous as she shook the hand of the therapist that Barbara had referred her to. Mandy had shrugged the suggestion off at first, but Barbara had insisted and said it would do her good to talk through her emotions with someone who was completely unbiased and a professional.
Janet Dunham seemed like a nice enough woman.
She was in her early sixties and had the classic preppy Nantucket look—a simple blond chin-length bob, a string of pearls, and a soft yellow top paired with a pretty blue skirt.
She led Mandy into her home office, a comfortable room with bookcases lining the walls, several tall lamps, an assortment of chairs, and two big bay windows that overlooked a grassy backyard.
There was no sofa to recline on, which was how Mandy always pictured a therapist’s office.
“Please have a seat and make yourself comfortable,” Janet said.
Mandy tried to do that. She settled into the nearest chair, crossed her legs, and waited for Janet to begin.
“Have you been to a therapist before?” Janet asked. She sat in a padded rocking chair with a yellow legal pad in her lap.
Mandy shook her head. “No, never. This is my first time. I’m not really sure what to expect, to be honest.”
Janet smiled. “There’s no one right way to do therapy. It’s your time to talk about whatever you want to talk about. I’m just here to listen and to help where I can. Why don’t you start by telling me why you’re here?”
Mandy took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m trying to process what happened with my husband and if I’m making the right decision to proceed so quickly with divorce.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to turn back time and have Cory make different choices.” She sighed. “I’m just really struggling with this and wondering how much of it is my fault.”
“Your fault? Can you explain that a bit?”
“I keep wondering if something I did or didn’t do or something I said may have pushed Cory into the actions he took. If I’m partly responsible.”
“And if you are? Will that change anything? Should it change anything?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Why don’t you start from the beginning and walk me through exactly what happened,” Janet suggested.
Mandy took another deep breath and then dove in. When she finished, Janet nodded.
“Please know that this isn’t your fault. Cory chose to do what he did for reasons known only to him. What you have to consider is if you think he has the capacity to change his behavior in a way that you can live with.”
“Do you think that’s possible?” Mandy had her strong gut reaction on that but was curious what the therapist would say.
“Well, anything is possible. But Cory has already done the hardest thing, which was to open the door to being unfaithful. And he’s admitted that he liked the thrill of the forbidden.
” Janet paused for a moment and then continued.
“He might be on his best behavior if you take him back, maybe forever, maybe for a long time, maybe not long at all, but it won’t be as hard for him to open that door again, and the temptation will always be there.
But some people do make it work. Only you will know if you can get past it and trust him again. ”
Mandy nodded. “I know. And I’ve read that most men who cheat go on to do it again. Cory couldn’t even explain why he did it, just that it fed some kind of need in him. Which is what made me wonder if I’d failed him in some way. It’s very confusing.”
“People are complex. Cory’s reasons may have very little or nothing to do with you.”
“He said that. Said it was something in him. But it still seems like our relationship must be broken in some way for him to do that.” This was what Mandy kept coming back to.
“It may have nothing to do with your relationship and everything to do with his relationship with himself. Is he willing to go to counseling?”
“He said that he was, but I don’t know that he was serious. I think he thought he could talk his way into me forgiving him, and things would go back to normal. But there is no more normal. Not for me anyway. My biggest struggle is with feelings of guilt about whether to try again.”
“Guilt? Can you talk about that?”
“Well, I fluctuate from feeling guilty about wanting to call it quits and move right on to divorce and be done with it to feeling guilty about even considering trying to get past it—as if I’m letting people down by taking him back and allowing for the bad behavior to be forgiven.
Mostly I feel like I’d be letting myself and the kids down if I do.
How can I set an example for them about how someone should be treated if I condone his behavior? ”
Janet stayed silent. When the silence grew long enough to feel uncomfortable, Mandy jumped in to fill the space.
“One minute, I want to try again and have our old life back as much as possible. The next minute, I almost hate him and can’t stand the thought of being physical with him ever again. I actually feel repulsed at the thought of his touch. I suppose that doesn’t bode well for fixing this?”
“Maybe not? Maybe your body knows what it wants or doesn’t want and your mind hasn’t caught up yet?”
That resonated with Mandy. She’d already set everything in motion for the divorce.
Her attorney was just waiting for Cory to get back to them with the improved offer.
But he hadn’t done that yet, and as each day passed, Mandy wrestled with second-guessing herself.
She supposed she was mostly looking for the therapist to validate her decision.
She talked to Janet for another half hour.
The time went by so fast that she was surprised when the old-fashioned clock on the wall chimed that the hour was up.
They agreed to meet the next week at the same time, and as Mandy walked outside and got into her car, she felt a bit lighter and was glad that she’d agreed to meet with Janet.
She could see why Barbara liked her. Janet was easy to talk to and was a good listener.
Most importantly, she’d helped Mandy to dig deeper into her own feelings, and when she did, she felt the tension she’d been grappling with ease just a bit.
She knew in her gut that she was making the right decision.