Chapter 15
Fifteen
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
The beginning paragraph of John captivated me. It read lyrically, but at the same time, I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t necessarily want to admit that to Chris, but then again, he did say I could ask him anything.
But I didn’t want to. If I read this over and over again, wouldn’t I be able to make sense of the words for myself? Only, why was Word capitalized? Did it have a bigger meaning than word ?
And why were tears pricking my eyelids once more? Couldn’t I go a day without crying? Ashlynn finally slept soundly, and Cheyenne wasn’t giving me pitiful looks with every mile Chris drove away from Kentucky.
Then again, maybe it was the pressing sense of failure t hat weighed heavy on me. I couldn’t make my nieces happy. I’d failed my sister in more ways than I cared to count. And nothing in this Bible made sense.
I let out a low sigh. “I don’t understand this,” I said quietly. I could feel Chris’s gaze on me, and my cheeks heated with embarrassment. “Will you please help me make sense of it?”
“I’d be happy to. Read the part that you don’t understand.”
My voice wavered as I reread the paragraph.
“Okay, now give me your questions,” Chris said.
“Why are there numbers after some of the sentences? Why is Word capitalized?” I read it again. “Is it a person, and if so, do they have a name other than the Word?” I could feel wrinkles popping up in my forehead. “I thought this would be easier to read.”
“You know, your questions make a lot of sense.”
“They do?” I looked at Chris.
“Yes. I’ve read it with understanding for a while, but when I think back, John confused me in the beginning of my faith journey as well.”
A bit of the pressure eased. So it wasn’t uncommon not to understand. Somehow that comforted me. But ... “You’re not just saying that?”
He chuckled. “I’m not. I promise.” He paused, then continued. “The Word is Jesus. He’s the one who was with God in the beginning, along with the Holy Spirit, but we’ll get to that later. Jesus is the light of the world, which is cool when you consider the first thing God created was light. There are so many connections between the Old Testament and New Testament, and they all point to the hope of Jesus as our Savior.”
Okay, some of that made the paragraph make more sense. “If the New Testament talks about the Old, shouldn’t I read that first?” Why go out of order? That triggered me.
“ Some people find the Old Testament tedious. They don’t like the genealogies or reading about wars and death. It’s historical in nature, but also prophetic because it foretold Jesus’s birth and what He’d do on earth and in heaven.”
“What’s the first book in the Old Testament?”
“Genesis.”
I told my app to go to that spot. I didn’t want to read out of order, though history had never been my favorite subject. Too many dates and facts to remember. But I wanted to get this right.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.
“Okay, so in Genesis it talks about the Spirit of God.”
“Yep. The Holy Spirit, or Holy Ghost, as some people say.”
This was much easier to read. I could understand each day as life slowly formed on earth. I’m not sure the scientific part of my brain could accept creation theory as truth, but I could read the passage and understand it in a logical sense.
As we drove in silence, I read. I continued chapter after chapter, stopping only when I needed to ask a question. Chris never treated me like my doubts were absurd. He never sighed or huffed like the constant interruptions of his quiet time were bothersome. In fact, I got the feeling he was happy I kept asking questions.
This openness and lack of judgment wasn’t something I’d ever experienced in my life. My mom tired of my questions w hen I was young and would make me sit in my room until I learned to keep my mouth shut. In school, kids ridiculed me for asking questions, while my teachers always praised me for them. Still, I learned as I grew and matured that people resented inquiries. It made me seem like a try-hard, as some of the new residents would say whenever another inquisitive resident was in their pool. Questions put people on guard.
Not Chris.
He sat in the driver’s seat completely relaxed. I’d glance his way occasionally because I liked looking at the person I was talking to. Okay, fine. Chris was extremely good-looking, and peeking at his handsome profile while asking questions was a great way to kill two birds.
Plus, I was in awe of this man. I had never met someone who would put their life on hold to help another. Surely that wasn’t normal, no matter how many times he professed otherwise.
“I have a personal question,” I said.
“Yeah? Shoot.”
“Why did you put your life on hold? Why are you here?” I bit my lip. There probably was a better way to ask that, but I couldn’t properly formulate all the thoughts running through my mind.
“I’ve been alone, and I’ve also grieved. I believe no matter what a person is facing, they should never face it alone.” He paused. “I couldn’t help but notice there wasn’t any family at the funeral.” He glanced my way, then at the road. “How come?” he asked softly.
“I have no idea where my parents are.” I cleared my throat. That was a subject I didn’t want to talk about. “And you know about Asher’s family.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What about you? What’s your family like?”
“ Small.” He ran a hand across his chin. “My dad died when I was ten.”
“What?” I breathed. “From what?”
“Car accident. Icy roads and not a good ending.”
Could my heart break any more? That explained why he was so empathetic. He knew exactly what I was going through. Though icy roads hadn’t claimed Ellynn and Asher, a driver who’d had a heart attack had caused the same outcome.
“My mom entered the workforce after that. She’d been a stay-at-home mom but ended up working her fingers to the bone until I graduated from high school. After that, she decided to take it easy.”
Understandable. Raising Ellynn after I graduated from high school had taken a toll, one I didn’t speak of because it had been worth it. We both had a better life because of my hard work. Call it vanity, but I was proud I’d given that to her.
I shifted in my seat to face Chris. “What does your mom do now?”
“Nothing. I bought her a home when I could afford it. Her retirement pays the rest of her bills, and she lives the social life in her fifty-five-and-up community.”
“Do you see her often?”
He shook his head. “Mom wasn’t very ... nurturing. I think Dad’s death flipped off that switch, and all she could focus on was putting food on the table and clothes on my back. When I successfully graduated from college, she considered her job done. She retired and moved to Denver. I see her if I make it up that way.”
“She doesn’t come down to visit you?”
He shook his head again.
Why? He was such a good man. I’d had more joy in my life since he befriended me than I’d had in a really long time. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t imagine him not wanting a better relationship with his mom ... the way I used to with mine. But there was also one other thing I didn’t understand.
“How are you so ... joyful, then? I’ve never seen you upset or even sad. You seem to live a solitary life like me and...” I didn’t want to admit that I was lonely. That sometimes sadness gripped me and all I wanted to do was climb in my bed and stay there. But I had a job that gave me a reason to get up every morning and not give in.
Ugh. You should’ve moved closer to Ellynn.
“Honestly, Jesus is the reason I can smile. He’s the reason I normally don’t feel lonely or abandoned.”
“Normally?” Did he have days like I did?
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Lately, I’ve felt a bit isolated.” He glanced at me. “My friends are engaged.” He shrugged. “It’s hard not to feel like the odd man out.”
“But that still means you aren’t alone.” I grimaced. Did that sound as pathetic and attention grabbing to him as it did to me?
But Chris merely reached over and grasped my hand. “You’re not alone anymore.”
Something fluttered in my middle and warmth spread through my entire being.
Just then, Ashlynn whimpered. I turned and saw her shifting in her car seat. The mirror also showed her eyelids fluttering.
“I think it’s mealtime.” I faced forward. “Are we near a stop? Cheyenne could probably use a bathroom break too.”
“Yeah. Let’s just stop for dinner. Then we can all fuel up and make it the rest of the way to our hotel.”
We stopped at a fast-food restaurant just as Ashlynn’s whimpers turned to full-fledged cries. I unbuckled her from the car seat, holding her close to me as I grabbed the diaper bag. I probably needed to figure out how to use one of those wraps Ellynn used.
C hris helped Cheyenne out of her seat and held her hand as we walked inside.
“I’m going to change Ash’s diaper.”
“Want me to order food for you?”
I glanced at the menu. “Yes, a number five, please.”
“On it.”
“Thanks, Chris.” I offered a smile that I hoped showed my fullest gratitude for all he was doing.
“No problem.”
He and Cheyenne went to stand in line, and I headed for the bathroom. Ash’s cries settled as I got her into a fresh diaper. I grabbed the bottle I’d pulled from the cooler and popped it into her mouth. Greedy sounds of sucking came as she attempted to wrap her pudgy hands around the bottle.
“She’s darling. How old is she?” A woman asked as I made my way toward our table.
I stopped and looked at the older woman. “Seven months.” Tears sprang to my eyes. Ellynn wouldn’t be here for Ashlynn’s first birthday. My breath shuddered as I attempted to take a steady breath.
“She looks just like you.”
My breath hitched. “O-oh. Th-thank you.” Do not cry, do not cry. Do. Not. Cry.
But I could feel the tears coming. I speed-walked away from the woman. Chris must have noticed something, because he stood and met me partway.
“What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?” His gaze scanned the premises.
“A lady thought Ashlynn looked just like me.” My voice sounded scratchy to my ears.
Chris pulled me into a hug, and my chin quivered as I struggled to gain control. The last thing I wanted was to break down in the middle of this place and have people wonder w hat was wrong with me. Ash continued to eat undisturbed by Chris and me hugging with her nestled between us.
“Auntie Erykah, you okay?” Cheyenne tugged at the hem of my shirt.
I stepped out of Chris’s embrace and smiled at her. “I am now.”
“Do you miss Mommy?” she whispered.
I nodded vigorously as another bout of tears tried to creep up on me. Cheyenne wrapped her small arms around me, and something shifted in my chest. No matter what, I was going to be here for these girls. No matter if Ashlynn continued crying incessantly or if Cheyenne hated Colorado. I would show up every single day just to make sure they knew they were loved and not alone.