Chapter 41
Forty-One
We were home.
The girls were so happy that Chris was no longer in the hospital. I’d picked them up after work so they could visit, and when we got there, the doctor informed us that his clot had shrunk, and he was comfortable sending Chris home on blood thinners.
So here we were.
Ash sat tucked under Chris’s arm as he watched an animated princess movie with Cheyenne. They were all glued to the screen, not that this was surprising. Curling up on the couch and watching a movie had become part of their evening routine. Even dinner had carried on as usual. Everything was the same.
But I was different.
I wanted to talk to Chris about what happened yesterday. What was next in our relationship? Could I call him my boyfriend? Granted, I’d thought about these questions all day long. I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure what Chris Gamble wanted.
I clapped my hands as the end credits rolled. “Bath time.”
“Do I have to? Can’t we watch another movie?” Cheye asked.
“No, ma’am. It’s bath time.”
She poked her bottom lip out and crossed her arms.
“Cheye, you’re going to listen to your aunt, right?” Chris asked.
She studied him, then turned to me. Finally, she stood and went over to Chris, giving him a hug. “Good night.”
“Night, sweetie.” He patted her back as her little arms attempted to hug his shoulders. Chris looked up at me. “You coming back for Ash or taking her now?”
She curled back into him. “Dada . ”
Chris’s and my gazes widened. My heart dropped. I wanted to cheer, I wanted to cry. Instead, I cleared my throat. “I’ll come back. She took a bath yesterday, so I’ll skip one tonight.”
“’Kay. She likes watching old basketball reels anyway.”
I stifled a laugh.
Cheyenne held on to my hand and the railing as we descended into the basement. She went to get her bath toys as I ran the water, checking to make sure the temperature stayed perfect for a five-year-old.
“Aunt Erykah?”
I turned, looking at my niece over my shoulder. “Got your toys?”
She bobbed her head.
“Ready to get in?”
“Yeah. Are we gonna wash my hair too?”
That might take a little longer than I’d like, but we also hadn’t washed it in a while. “Sure. Want two braids?”
“Yes.” She beamed.
She undressed herself, but I helped her into the tub, making sure she didn’t slip. I sat down on the toilet lid as she played with her water toys. I was tired from the day, yet anticipation went th rough me at the thought of alone time with Chris after the girls went to bed.
“Aunt Erykah?”
“Yes?” I blinked, focusing on my niece.
“Can I ask a question?”
“Sure, sweetie.” I leaned forward.
“Mommy and Daddy are gone forever, right?”
I wanted to grab my heart. “Yes, but remember they’re in heaven. One day we’ll be there with them.”
“Ash called Chris Dada.”
I’d wondered if she’d caught that. “She’s a baby. They just babble.” Though it sure didn’t feel like nonsensical words when it sounded very much like daddy .
“I also heard her call you Mama yesterday.”
Uh-oh. Was Cheye mad at me? I couldn’t make Ash stop babbling dada and mama , but eventually she’d learn to say words like auntie and Chris , right?
I held back a sigh. “Does it upset you?” I asked quietly.
“A little.”
My poor sweet girl. I’d give her a hug as soon as I retrieved her from the bath. “Just so you know, I’ve been trying to get her to say auntie .”
“I know.” Cheye’s bottom lip poked out. “But Ash won’t remember Mommy and Daddy when she’s old, will she?”
“She probably won’t have any memories of her own since she’s so young.”
“Will I forget them too?”
Tears pricked my eyes. “Sweetie, I’ll do everything to help you both remember them and how amazing they were.”
I’d already made photo albums for each of the girls. I’d hung family pictures in their rooms, as well as individual ones I’d found of Asher and Ellynn. I even told them stories about when Ellynn and I were younger.
“Can I call you Mama?” Cheye’s voice was so small. “Ashlynn does.”
My breath hitched. How did I navigate this? “Do you really want to, or do you think you have to because Ash did?”
Cheyenne’s brow furrowed. “I don’t want to be different.”
I cupped her face. “I would be honored, but please, please , know you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Eventually Ash will learn to say auntie .” But a part of me cherished the words from Ash. I’d probably never have kids of my own, and hearing mama melted me.
“Regardless of what you call me, I’ll always be here for you, ’kay?”
Cheye nodded, and I kissed her cheek.
She went right back to playing.
I wasn’t sure if doing so was a coping mechanism, but I envied her. I’d like nothing more than to grab my phone and pretend like something held my attention while my inner self fell apart. Still, we had the rest of her bath time routine to get through.
Soon Cheye was tucked into bed, and Ash lay in her crib.
The only question was, Should I cry now or fall apart in Chris’s arms? Door number two, please.
I raced up the stairs and sat gingerly on the couch so as not to jostle Chris’s legs. “I need a hug.”
He opened his arms. “I’m sorry Ash called me Dada. That had to have been a shock.”
I sighed. “Yes and no. She’s called me Mama, but I chalked it up to her just practicing the sounds she can make now.”
Chris studied me. “Did you really, or did you have mixed emotions?”
“Mixed emotions, of course.” Tears welled in my eyes. “Cheye thought she had to call me Mama because Ash did.”
“Oh wow.” He said nothing so I listened to his heartbeat, thankfu l I didn’t have to carry this burden alone. “But you reassured her?”
“Yes. I just hate that she’s going through this at five. I hate that Ellynn and Asher aren’t here.”
“I imagine you always will.” Chris placed his chin on top of my head. “But the girls couldn’t be in better hands. You love them like they’re your own and not merely your nieces. That’s probably why Ellynn and Asher wanted the girls to be in your care.”
I sniffed. “Thank you.”
“Anything else bothering you?”
“Well, I was wondering how this is going to work out.”
“Us?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
“Well, you’ll move into your new place. Then I’ll call on you and take you on a date.”
“I’m still waiting to hear if the seller accepted my offer.” But part of me didn’t want to leave. Now that I knew how much he loved me and I loved him, my mind had immediately conjured up ideals of weddings and saying I do . Too soon, Erykah.
Wasn’t it? “A date sounds nice, though.”
“But not the moving?”
“Is it ever fun?”
Chris chuckled.
“But really, I’d be happy if I didn’t have to leave this spot.” My face heated. Great, did that hint at forever, or would he take it to mean I was comfortable in his arms?
“But neither one of us wants to be tempted to cross the line.” Chris spoke in a low voice.
That made so much sense, because even now I wanted to kiss him to my heart’s content. “You’re right,” I groused.
“I feel the same way.” Chris held me tighter.
“I need to tell the girls.”
“Definitely. Do you want me to be there with you? I can reassure Cheye that she’ll still get to see me often.”
Despite the offer, his voice seemed sad. Would he miss our daily interactions as much as I would? And poor Cheye—she might revert to her pre-therapy days and throw a tantrum.
Moving out might bring up feelings of losing Ellynn and Asher all over again. Part of me wanted to plead my case and ask Chris to consider letting us stay. But the only way I could see him agreeing to that was if we considered marriage.
“ Mawage?” The Princess Bride quote reverberated in my head.
But yes.
Chris was it for me. I didn’t need to date anyone else to know that. I was forty-one years old and knew myself, knew my heart, knew Chris. Honestly, I didn’t need him to take me on an actual date to know how I felt. I wanted a lifetime with him.
So tell him!
Of course. It was that simple. He didn’t have to be the one to set the pace every step of the way. I loved him. And I didn’t want to move out just to move back in whenever he decided to propose. Unless, in fact, he didn’t want that with me. I wouldn’t know unless we discussed it.
I pulled back, moving to a sitting position. “I have something to say, and I want you to think everything over before saying something. I also want us to pray together and separately about it.”
“O-kay.” His gaze darkened with concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” I smiled. I felt good about this. “I want to talk about our living arrangement.”
“I’m listening.”
The words bolstered me. Say what’s on your heart. He love s you and won’t ridicule you. Right. “I don’t think I should move out.” I waited for him to say something, then realized I was supposed to be making a speech.
“I love you. You love me. We’re already a family. We’ve been living like one for months now. Our feelings were just a little slow to...” To what? Admit? Recognize?
“Voice?” Chris offered.
I nodded. “Exactly. I know we both want to honor God, and I’m not suggesting we do away with that. But maybe, just maybe, the answer isn’t in me moving out.” I licked my lips. Could I really suggest this? Breathe.
“Maybe we get married instead.”