Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Two weeks feel like yet another lifetime in limbo, but this time it’s a good limbo to be in. Nervous excitement is far better than wallowing on a sofa, afraid of the world.
I give my all to my clients, but outside of my proposals my mind is spiralling with the what ifs. There’s a tension there along with the relief. A rumbling fear that has taken root now that the De Chante has worn off.
I think it’s called reality.
Reality can be a tough one to take. A nasty intruder in fantasy land.
What if Heath is so freaked out, that this proposal is his time to say goodbye?
What if we get swallowed up in a gutting reality that we’ve forever lost the joy we found in Cannes?
What if Heath’s walls are up? Guarded? What if he’s nothing like the man we came to adore?
Or what if it’s the opposite? An explosion of emotions that can never be contained. What the hell do we do about it then?
I get horrible lurches in my stomach. Weird, sickly butterflies at the thought of setting eyes on my gorgeous idol after all these months apart.
I know Josh is battling with the what ifs as much as I am. I see him staring blankly as he stirs coffee on autopilot, or scrolling through his phone feed without even looking at it. Spaced out while his mind is spinning.
It’s him who is key in this. The heaviness is far more on his shoulders than mine.
His relationship with Heath is the foundation at the heart of this situation. It’s him who is going to be the driving force in how things play out from our side.
No doubt about it, this one proposal will change everything. It will set the ground for the future, whatever that might be.
For good, or for bad, it will change our lives.
The one bad that is changing my life for the good is the mess Connor is making of his.
Daddy sure did an excellent job on that front, and the hole my prick of an ex is digging just keeps getting deeper.
The mouthy motherfucker doesn’t help himself, bitching back at fans, trolls and reporters and making an enemy of the whole goddamn world.
I catch snippets of him on social media, and it’s clear from his dilated pupils that he’s off his tits, all too happy to dish out the middle fingers and the fuck yous.
I’m old news now. Ella Edwards is a name rarely mentioned. The ex who allegedly broke his heart is just a flash in the pan of a shit storm. It was one hell of a rough storm to bear, but it’s moved on now. I’m like Dorothy in the world of Oz, dropped back on the ground after the tornado.
With two days left to go before our proposal with Heath, the jitters in both me and Josh are clear to see.
We’ve even been avoiding Tiff so she doesn’t catch wind of it.
Josh moves like he’s buzzing with electric, hardly able to stay still.
He’s twitchy on the sofa, and twitchy in bed, the both of us a pair of fidgets as the hours close in, one by one.
We don’t talk about it, other than giving each other snippets of how brilliant seeing him again is going to be. Smiling about how great it’ll be to see him, right there in the flesh before us. But under the surface, the nerves and the tension are thrumming like a bass note, getting louder.
“Are you going to be alright tonight?” I ask my boyfriend on the morning of the meetup. “You should eat something, you know. Even just a piece of toast. Try to settle your stomach.”
Josh shakes his head, sipping coffee as he avoids breakfast.
“My stomach wouldn’t hack it.”
I chew down a piece of my toast, and I understand the avoidance, because my own guts are churning, too. I hope I don’t barf up when the nerves crash in.
“What do you think will happen?” I ask Josh. “I mean, really happen? You know Heath way better than I do.”
Josh shrugs. Gives me a nervous smile. So uncharacteristic of his usual chill.
“I have no idea. I must have run through at least a thousand scenarios, and I’ve given up on the predictions now. I just don’t know where his head will be at.”
I give up on my toast, dropping my half eaten piece on my plate.
“What about where your head is at? What do you want to happen? What’s the best case in the thousand scenarios?”
His shoulders are tight. His fingers gripping the counter. We’ve been skirting this conversation for weeks.
“Normality,” Josh says. “That’s my best case in the thousand scenarios. The one that makes the most sense.”
“Normality. Ok…”
I try to gauge what normality means. Heath has been a regular client of Josh’s for years now. Normality for him must look like regular meetups, secure and constant. But this summer was… different. We both know it. It wasn’t just a week-long proposal. It was…
Falling in love.
Even thinking those words makes me feel ill, it hits so hard.
Josh turns away from me, which is unusual. He busies himself arranging the fruit in the fruit bowl, but I don’t let the conversation go. I can’t. I need to know where Josh stands before we face the grand reunion.
“But what about Cannes? That was more than normality, wasn’t it? That left normality in the dust.”
Josh shrugs again, but doesn’t turn around.
“I don’t know about that. We had longer to express ourselves, and feelings build quick in a pressure cooker, but they were always there in the first place. They will always be there. It’s just how we get to express them that’s at stake.”
My brain feels like a whirlwind as I try to digest what he’s saying.
“So normality means being regular again? Regular proposals, regular time together?”
Josh gives up on the fruit bowl and turns back around.
“Normality means being safe again. Secure.” He looks me in the eye. “All of us.”
I push my plate to the side.
“You really think that’s possible? That Heath can just be a client, and we can just go back to being entertainers with a hey there every few weeks? Like the whole thing never happened?”
My tone is angrier than I meant it. The frustration and fear eating me up.
“Sorry,” I say. “I’m just scared. Now it’s here, I’m really scared.”
My gorgeous boyfriend crosses the kitchen and takes my hands in his.
“I’m scared too. I’m scared things with Heath are fucked up from here on in. I’m scared this whole scenario is going to chew him up and fry his senses, like it’s frying ours.” He takes a deep breath, squeezing my hands. “And there’s more I’m scared of. Things that cut deep.”
I stay quiet, my heart thumping.
“I’m scared of getting rejected by him, after all this time. Career over feelings. Because that’s the sensible choice for him. And the sensible choice for us.”
My lip trembles.
“I know. And it’s all my fault. It’s my stupid bullshit history that got us here.”
Josh’s eyes widen.
“No. It isn’t. Don’t think that for one second, because it’s not true.
” His eyes dig into my soul. “Sometimes when you play with fire, you’re going to get burnt.
We played with fire, the three of us, and it was fucking awesome, but it was dangerous for all of us.
Connor or not. The chaos that came after only reinforced the reality that Heath is a major public figure, adored by millions, with a platform worth millions.
It highlighted just how serious playing with fire can be.
” He tries a smile. “So it could be a good thing that life panned out this way. To keep things in check. To keep us all sane. Because you know what the rules are when it comes to clients, Ella. We all do. The Agency lays out the stance very clearly.”
“Heath isn’t just a client, Josh, and you know it.”
“No, he isn’t. But he should be. And he’s a fantastic client, the best there could be. But he’s a client for a reason. The rules are there for a reason. We have to keep that in mind, whatever it takes. That’s how we safeguard our relationship with Heath. Normality.”
I know Josh’s view of things is spot on, but it hurts. It feels unjust, and fake, and like losing a chunk of our soul.
We are seeing the love of Cannes in human form again this evening. That should be enough on its own.
“This is what you’ve been churning over, isn’t it?” I ask Josh. “You’ve been trying to be logical and stable, and…” I take my hands from his and wave them around, struggling for words.
“And me, Ells. I’ve been trying to be me,” he says. “That’s who I am.”
I have to smile at that. I see the genuine love in his eyes.
“Protective. Brave. Steady.” I pause. “Brilliant.”
“Protective, brave and steady. Sure, I’ll take that.” He sighs. “Not so sure about brilliant. Mulling this over hasn’t been easy. I’ve had my wobbles, but we all need protection here. All of us.”
I shake my head. Run my hand down his cheek.
“You’re taking this angle for me and Heath. Don’t lie. You’re at the back of the queue in your world.”
“And that’s where I want to stay, even if it chews my guts up.
” He takes my hands again. “It’ll hurt like a motherfucker if Heath wants to pull away and build the walls of normality back around us at a decent height, but that’s the most sane course of action.
I’ll push it, if he doesn’t. He’s the one in the spotlight, we’re trying to stay out of it.
He’s the one with cameras flashing in his face every day.
We’re trying to stay away from them. That’s how it needs to be. Even if it hurts.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, but I nod.
“Ok. Fine. That sounds cool.”
“It’s not ok. You’re lying. In your world, it sounds like hell.”
“Touche. But you’re right. And normality is safe. It’s good. It’s what we’ve been dreaming of.” I think back to the weeks of desperation, when normality seemed a world away.
“So, we’re in agreement, are we?” Josh asks. “The ideal outcome is that things return to how they were before Cannes? Great fun and great times, with as little risk as possible? Are we going to be on the same side?”
I nod again.
“We’ll always be on the same side, Josh. Even if it sucks.” I sigh as he takes my plate and tips the half-eaten slice of toast in the bin. “Well, this wasn’t exactly how I expected the conversation to pan out.”
He shoots me a glance, a smirk on his face.
“You expected joy and cheers, and we’ll grab him tight and never let go? Believe me, that’s what my heart has been screaming for. I’m glad we had two weeks to prepare for this, because for those first few days, I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. Not in a million years.”
Once again, I’m surprised by Josh’s rational strength, and his dedication to the security of those he loves. It goes so far. And that’s what saved me in the darkness.
It’s what will keep Heath safe, too.
“Heath is a sharp guy,” Josh says. “He’s also an introvert with a massive career.
His head might need a bit of help to rule his heart, and we might need to help him with that.
” He pauses. “Part of me hopes he does need help with that, because I know the feelings in Cannes were all real, for all of us, but the other part of me hopes he’s already reached the sensible zone. ”
I raise my eyebrows.
“His proposal didn’t exactly sound like he has.”
“No, it didn’t. Which is why we might need to help him get there.”
I put my head in my hands. “I’ll try. Not sure how well I’ll do, but I’ll try.”
“You’ll succeed. To have Heath in our lives for the long haul, the safest route is the steady one. That’s what is most important.”
“Regular bookings. Safe and sound. I get it.”
“Regular contact, and the chance to enjoy time with him.”
I feel like a bit of an idiot, because underneath all the scared what ifs were the happy ones.
The excited ones. The crazy ones that dreamt on some stupid level that we’d jet off back to Cannes and jump right back into the insane world of bliss that enveloped us there.
That we’d all be blubbing with I love yous, and can’t live without yous, and insane ideas of how we could make the beautiful energy of Cannes work back here in London.
Josh is looking at me as I stare into the distance. I connect back to his stare with a stomach thump.
“I’ve been dreaming too, don’t worry,” he says.
“A magical fairytale castle, where we could wave each other off to work and live out our lives every day, and be a trio of kinky, loved up romanticists around it. But that isn’t our life.
Our life is here. The two of us. With Heath as a client, now it’s hopefully safe enough to get the proposals booked back in. ”
I slide off my stool and go to him, wrapping my arms around his neck to hold him tight.
“Our life here, the two of us, is fucking amazing. It always has been, even in the dark bits. I’ll never lose sight of that, no matter what.”
“Same goes.”
I try to steady the flutters in my belly, still fighting the craving for the magical dream. But it doesn’t exist in the real world. It couldn’t. Heath is a megastar and we’re a pair of hookers. Hookers who love our job and our life together.
Having Heath as a regular client again would be phenomenal. Better than phenomenal. It would be more than enough excitement to see us through.
Or it should be.
One thing for certain is that under Josh’s calm exterior, no matter how hard he’s trying to maintain it, he’s a hurting soul missing a man he adores. Badly.
It’s not Josh’s feelings that should be at the back of the queue, it’s mine.
His decision is his decision, and his actions are the ones at the forefront, and I’ll be there to support them.
No matter what happens, and no matter how much it hurts, I need to be his strength in the darkness now. His support in the storm.
Just like he was for me.