Chapter Nineteen #2
Portraits of him.
She’d captured him sitting in the library, reading, his eyes downcast, a faint smile on his face. In another, his face was outlined against a sunny, cloudless sky. In the last, he reclined against the pillows of their bed, shoulders bare, his face alight with happiness.
Swallowing hard, he closed the sketchbook.
She did indeed love what she sketched; the drawings made it all too apparent.
A love she never expressed verbally, but which he now recognized was displayed in all her lovemaking, all the tender companionship and ardent support she’d offered for the burdens of the estate she willingly shared with him.
Would Juliana reject his all-too-late declared love, when she’d so obviously loved him silently, uncomplainingly, without asking for anything for herself? While he dithered on like an idiot about ‘friendship?’
He wasn’t sure. But he hoped that his lack of perception hadn’t worn the fabric of her love so thin that the essence of it had frayed, unable to be patched together again. He prayed that it wasn’t too late now to vow the complete love and devotion he should have given her on their wedding day.
Which he would offer, as soon as he saw her again.
The following afternoon, Rafe returned from his last consultations at the Lords.
As Hart had noted, it wasn’t likely that any measures of importance would be brought forward for the rest of the session, and in any event, nothing that would generate a vote so close that his vote would be needed.
He’d informed his friend of his imminent departure for Cornwall and been grateful that he’d been spared any further observations on his general obtuseness in the matter of love.
He’d left orders with his valet to pack up everything except the one suit of clothes he’d need for tonight’s dinner.
Though he didn’t much feel like going out, since he couldn’t set out until the morning anyway, he might as well keep the engagement and employ his restless energy in winning some blunt off some less-skilled player in the card room.
He’d avoid the ballroom; he didn’t want to dance with anyone but Juliana.
He was consumed with impatience to see her, frustrated that he had a several days’ journey before he would reach Mrs Earnshaw’s home in Cornwall. He couldn’t wait to see the surprise and, he hoped, delight on her face when he turned up unannounced.
Or if he saw annoyance, at least he’d know where he stood. And begin that instant, he vowed, to woo her properly, as he should have from the beginning.
He might be a blockhead, but he was a persistent one. He’d start with ‘friendship’ and ‘respect’ and continue to expand it as far as it would go.
He’d hurried up the entry, handed off his hat and cane to the butler and was striding towards the stairs when a movement on the landing above caught his attention. He’d about dismissed it as a maid leaving the library when something about the motion of the figure arrested him.
‘Juliana!’ he cried, a wave of overwhelming joy washing through him. ‘You’ve come back.’ Taking the stairs two at a time, he rushed up to meet her.
As Juliana saw Rafe in the entryway, her pulse accelerated and her nervousness returned.
She wasn’t at all sure what she meant to do was the right course of action, but after having nearly three weeks of solitude in which to ponder her next step, like a moored boat that drifted with the current, she came always back to the same course.
At least he appeared happy to see her. That was a good sign.
Even better, he enveloped her in a hug and then kissed her with such urgency, she nearly forgot what she meant to do.
Before he could sweep her off to the bedchamber, she recalled her purpose.
‘Shall we go into the library? I wanted to talk with you.’ She blushed, recalling that even being in the library hadn’t always guaranteed they’d do nothing but talk—and it was possible, depending on what happened next, that they might indeed do more.
But first, she must utter the words she’d been bursting to say to him for more than a week.
He followed her in docilely enough and remained silent, not demanding at once—as she half expected he would—to know why she’d returned early and what she needed to discuss. Once she’d settled him in an armchair and poured him a glass of wine, too nervous to sit herself, she stood before him.
‘I know you were distressed to see Lady Altorn again,’ she began abruptly, in her urgency to proceed to the most important part of her speech, forgetting the introductory comments.
‘You know how sorry I am that you were not allowed to marry the woman you truly loved. I also agreed to marry you knowing full well how you felt about her and understanding that one doesn’t forget a love like that.
Knowing that you could promise me only affection and friendship. ’
He made as if to speak, but she waved him to silence.
‘Please, let me finish. Everyone thinks because I’m quiet that I’m meek and biddable, but…
that’s not really true. When there is something I care deeply about, I will speak up for it.
Fight for it. And I care deeply about you.
I had thought to leave London to take time to decide whether or not I could reconcile myself to your loving her while I remained your wife and partner.
I’ve decided that I cannot do that. I will not stand meekly by and allow Lady Altorn to reestablish her hold over you.
On the contrary, I intend to use every wile I possess to lure you away from her and make you forget that you loved her first and better than me. Beginning now.’
With that, she leaned over to give him a kiss. With them both having been deprived of sensual satisfaction for weeks, her tentative kiss soon fired in them both a desperate need neither was prepared to deny.
Rafe stood, picked Juliana up and carried her to the sofa. Kissing her urgently, he lay her back against the cushions. And for long, intimate moments afterwards, neither of them said any more.
As they lay entangled on the sofa in the sweet aftermath of passion, Rafe cuddled Juliana close.
‘My dear wife, although this confession may induce you to discontinue plying those wiles I love so much, I promise you there is no need for you to counter Lady Altorn’s advances.
It’s true she did suggest we renew our acquaintance—and more—and I confess, for a moment I was tempted.
But I rejected her offer in terms so unmistakable, so she could have no doubt about my conviction. ’
She raised up on one elbow to stare at him. ‘You did? With unmistakable conviction?’
‘Yes. Still, I have done you a great disservice.’
‘But if you refused her…in what way, a disservice?’
‘By wedding you with no mention of love. I suppose I’d thought myself in love with Thalia for so long, I blinded myself to anything else.
When in truth, I’ve probably loved you since we were children.
With a true love, based on shared history and interests and affection, not some melodramatic infatuation.
Despite my being an idiot too dense to recognize the emotion for what it is, I hope I may still earn your love in return.
I…have some reason to hope perhaps you might care for me, too. I found your sketchbook.’
‘Oh,’ she said in a small voice.
‘Can I hope that you may love me, fool that I’ve been? And if my blind refusal to see the truth right in front of me has withered your affection, will you let me try to revive it? I promise to work at being worthy of your love every day for the rest of our lives.’
He held his breath, tense with hope and dread, waiting for her response.
At last, she chuckled softly. ‘Foolish man indeed. Did you not guess that I’ve loved you ever since you helped me rescue that squirrel?
I only agreed to marry Ian because he needed me and you were in love with Thalia.
Knowing how deeply you’d loved her, I hesitated to wed you, not sure I could keep buried the love I’d given up on, afraid if you ever suspected, it would make you uncomfortable and ruin the friendship between us.
I never expected you would be able to see me as more than a friend.
Despite that, I’d decided I would fight for you, not meekly give you up to the woman you once loved.
I… I can’t quite believe that the woman you love… is me.’
‘Believe it,’ he said, ‘The only woman I have truly loved. My one Grand Passion.’
‘You no longer believe marriage is best made between friends?’
He shook his head. ‘Forget that idiotic pronouncement. Loving deeply is so much finer, better, more satisfying a basis.’
Chuckling, she moved a hand down to stroke him. ‘It certainly is more satisfying.’
Groaning, he bent to kiss her again. ‘It’s been a long, long, long period of deprivation. You’re right; it’s time for more satisfaction.’
Suddenly she pushed him away. ‘Not just yet. In the shock of your declaration, I almost forgot the most compelling reason for my intention not to allow another woman to claim you. Not when I’m about to gift you with a child. An heir, I hope.’
It took a moment for the news to register. ‘You are with child?’ he asked slowly.
She nodded. ‘Sometime this winter, I should present you with your firstborn.’
An upsurge of joy filling him, he hugged her tight, feeling humbled and grateful. ‘One last thing to make our life complete! I need a son to inherit, I know, but truly I can’t wait to have a daughter with big brown eyes and piercing intelligence, who resembles her mother.’
‘Let us make a new vow,’ he continued. ‘No more hiding thoughts or affections. Only open honesty between us.’
‘As long as honesty allows me to tell you every day how much I love you.’
‘I can certainly agree to that. And now, shall we retire to the bedchamber before a maid wanders in? There’s the small matter of satisfaction that needs to be tended to.’
‘With all my heart, my love, my life.’
Rafe helped her up and hand in hand, led her to their chamber, filled with a euphoria greater than he’d ever experienced.
They’d made a new vow to complement their marriage lines. Ahead lay the promise of a renewed life together and a brand new life to share it with them.
He could ask for no greater blessings.