Sixteen
I haven’t heard from Theo in ten days.
I’m somewhere between panicked and pissed, because while this isn’t like him, it’s exactly like the Theo Ben warned me about in the first place. After two unanswered phone calls and five messages left on read, I stopped trying to reach him. I learned a long time ago how useless it is to try to keep people in your life who’d rather not be there. After everything we’d been through the past couple of weeks, I only wish he had a better way of telling me as much.
Maybe I pushed him too far by asking him to go on that double date. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to call off the whole thing. So stupid. Why did I let Alice talk me into trying to convince him?
I have no reason to be mad when I knew exactly what we’d be getting into when we started this. But any teeny trace of abandonment brings me right back to sixth grade. The careful way my mother approached me with the note my father left behind, her arm around my shoulders as my eyes scanned the crinkled paper. The way I lashed out at her afterward, like it was her fault he didn’t want to be a father. My tías crowding the table, the sympathy swimming in their eyes, the unsolicited advice I couldn’t stand.
In the end, my neighbor Miss Yolanda told me something that has always stuck with me. It was on a rare day when I found a chance to sneak out of the crowded house, an opening I took whenever I could. She was tending to her rosebush when I came outside, wearing her outdoor attire: straw sun hat and neon yellow gloves. I don’t remember much of what was said, since she often had a habit of talking at me. I do remember the acute disappointment I felt when I realized I wouldn’t be able to take a walk around the block without her telling my mom I’d snuck out.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Her voice froze me in my tracks on the steps of my house. “Don’t be so hard on her all the time. I know you’re going through a rough time right now, but so is she. Easier to love the parent who stays than hate the one who walked out. Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t change.” She paused once she said her piece. “Go on.” I’d looked up at her with surprise. “I’ll give you a ten-minute head start.”
I thought a lot about what she said, and decided she was right. It was useless to hate my dad for walking out on us when he wasn’t here to take my anger out on. I still had someone left who cared about me.
Love the person who stays.
That was never going to be Theo. We don’t owe each other anything. I’m a means to an end to him, the same way he is to me. For all his talk about not wanting to use me and inability to promise not to catch feelings for me, we’re not in a relationship. I had no right to push him into something he was clearly uncomfortable with. Maybe it’s better that we call it quits now, before we hurt each other later down the line. But the least he can do is be man enough to tell me it’s over to my face.
Friday afternoon, Angela and I spend the day setting up chairs and tables in the YA section, which proves to be a helpful distraction from my ever-consuming thoughts of Theo. Funny how almost an entire month has passed, and now I need a distraction from my distraction. We block off the entrance with shelving carts to set up for tonight’s event. Erica thought balloons would be over the top, but I insisted they give a festive look to the YA shelves. Now I have to wade through a sea of them to find Angela’s whereabouts.
“You good over there?” she asks, not bothering to mask her laughter for my sake.
“Never better.” I readjust my French braids to fall over my shoulders. “How does my hair look? I think the static is making me frizz up.”
“A little bit.” Angela comes over to my side of the table, walking through the bright pink death traps. She looks cozy in a gray cardigan and white capris. The only pops of color in her ensemble are the teal tank top and bejeweled sandals. Only Angela could convince everyone to dress up just to turn around and come up with the most casual costume possible for herself.
She smooths her hands over my scalp, and when that doesn’t work, she retrieves a small bottle of hair serum from her purse. “This ought to do the trick.”
“Not too much. Don’t make me greasy.”
She works her hands over the top of my head with the serum, readjusts my gold folklórico earrings, and then fixes the red poms hanging at the ends of my braids. “That blouse is really cute.”
“Thank you.” I smooth down the ruffles cinching at my waist. The white peasant blouse is detailed with cerulean thread at the neck and sleeves. “You should see the poncho I found at a shop downtown. It matches the preorder art perfectly.”
Unsurprisingly, we didn’t just dress up as our favorite YA characters—we dressed up as our favorite Latina YA characters. Angela’s outfit, casual as it may be, is an identical match to the one Lila Reyes is wearing on the cover of A Cuban Girl’s Guide to Tea and Tomorrow. Once I put on my poncho, I’ll be dressed as Sofia from Before the Dawn, the book we’ll be discussing tonight. It’s a YA fantasy with a Latinx-inspired setting featuring a corrupt political system and a star-crossed romance between two foes on opposing sides. Sofia hates Enrique from the very beginning, but her situation forces her to gain his trust to avenge her family. In the advanced reader’s copy I received of the sequel, As Dusk Breaks, the duology ends with them teaming up to overthrow the corrupt government that killed Sofia’s family and living happily ever after as the kingdom’s new rulers.
We chose our next lineup of books from across a wide range of authors from different backgrounds. San Antonio has a large Mexican American community, but we also serve people from many different communities. We get lots of kids from the neighboring high school who know exactly which books they’re looking for, and the disappointment on their faces when we don’t have what they want sticks in my brain more than the excitement when we do. I’ve made it my mission to buy as many of these books as possible for our collections. I don’t just want more kids to read—I want them to see themselves in the books they’re reading. If I can do anything to help influence that, I’ll fight in any way I can to make it happen.
“Nice.” Angela nods. “So, what do you think? Will the teenagers think we’re total dorks?”
“I’m pretty sure they know we’re total dorks.”
My smile is wide in the reflection in the window behind her. This is my night. In a few hours, the library will fill up with teens excited to read, and extra excited to talk about what they read. I’ve been writing a list in my phone all month of book recommendations to check out before the second book club pick is announced. When I told Angela about it, she said I should publish it on our library’s blog and include the link in the bio of all of our library’s social media accounts. The link went live this morning and we’re going to announce it to the teens at the start of the meeting.
This is my night. I push all thoughts of Theo and his brother out of my mind and focus on making the YA book club go off without a hitch.
The library begins to fill at ten till seven, and seats are already filling faster than we expected. Erica nods approvingly at the table, and then sends me a pleased smile when our eyes meet. Even she decided to dress up with us. Erica is wearing Noemí’s bold red evening gown from the cover of Mexican Gothic. Her hair is pinned into a bob and she’s wearing maroon lipstick to match. The book may not be YA, but I couldn’t be more ecstatic that she decided to dress up.
Angela kicks off the book club by introducing me, Erica, and herself. Then she sits down and opens up her copy of Before the Dawn as I take over leading the discussion questions. I ask everyone to go around the table and share their favorite part of the book. Most answer things like the atmosphere, the magic, and the characters until Andy Sanchez, my favorite library patron, steals my answer.
“I loved the romance,” she says. The fourteen-year-old is tiny, but her personality more than makes up for her prepubescent build. Her brown hair is pulled up in a high bun at the very top of her head, and black square-framed glasses highlight her dark eyes. “Enrique and Sofia? And that kiss at the end— Swoon.” The table erupts into laughter as she fans herself and pretends to faint in her chair.
“That was also my favorite part,” Angela agrees, nodding vigorously. “Love me a good slow-burn romance.”
“Love me a good enemies-to-lovers, slow-burn romance,” I correct to a chorus of murmured agreement. Angela chimes in with something else, but I barely hear her when I catch sight of a blond head over the row of teenagers. A gasp strangles the back of my throat.
Theo is leaning against a wooden bookshelf, hands in the pockets of his jeans. A small smile tugs his lips upward, but his glittering blue eyes are trained on me.
Ignoring him is impossible, but we continue the discussion until it’s time for the small-group activity. I check my phone under the table to see if he tried to get a hold of me. I find two missed calls and one eerily vague text message on my lock screen.
Can we talk?
My stomach drops at the sight of it. Nothing good ever comes after that question. Especially considering he spent over a week avoiding my messages trying to talk. Now he’s tracked me down on a night that was supposed to be special.
Angela tells everyone to break into groups of two to four people, and to find a scene they want to reenact from the book. I can’t prolong the inevitable for much longer.
“I’ll be right back.”
Angela’s eyes catch on Theo’s form hovering over the table of YA staff picks. “Mm-hmm.” There’s a knowing glint in her expression, the edge of her lips forming a smirk. I don’t like the look of it whatsoever, but I choose to ignore it for now as I rise from my seat. Her suspicions are about to be too little too late if my instinct is right.
“What are you doing here?” I try to push him out of view, but he doesn’t budge. When I narrow my eyes at him, he lets me steer him away from the group.
He’s dressed casually in jeans and a plain blue hoodie, hands buried in his pockets. His eyes light up as he looks over my shoulder at the groups of teens dramatically reenacting dialogue from the book, as if preparing for the audition of a lifetime.
“What’s all this?”
“You’re about ten days too late, so I think I’ll be asking the questions here.”
He rubs a hand at the nape of his neck, expression suddenly sheepish. As much as I’d love to give him a piece of my mind, now is not the time. I glance over my shoulder, locking eyes with Angela. I tap my wrist in a silent question, and she holds up the timer on her phone. The groups have three more minutes to practice. I tell myself that’s the only reason why I’m letting Theo off the hook.
“You’re interrupting book club.” I cross my arms over my chest, daring him to judge me. But that seems to be the last thing on his mind as his smile spreads wider. When his eyes return to me, all my resolve melts under his gaze. I can’t be mad at him for being curious about a night I’ve been planning for weeks. “Why—” I’m about to ask him why he’s here but he interrupts before I can, feet bouncing up and down with… excitement?
“Is dressing up a requirement?” He reaches out to touch the red pom tied to the end of my braid. He’s far too smiley for the doomed thoughts roiling around in my brain. “Who are you supposed to be? You look cute.”
Cute. The word explodes into a burst of butterflies that take flight in my stomach. My shoulders deflate with the last of my paranoid thoughts. He wouldn’t call me cute if he was here to fake-dump me, right? Then why avoid me for over a week? I’m still mad at him, but I hand him a copy of Before the Dawn and point to the illustration of the protagonist on the cover. He takes the book from my hand to inspect it, brows furrowing as he turns it over for the synopsis. When he doesn’t find it, his eyes narrow in confusion. I take it back from him and open the book to the taped-in flap on the inside.
“The descriptions are on the inside for hardcovers,” I tell him.
“Sounds cool,” he says once he’s read what the book is about. “Is this the book club pick?”
I nod as an idea for a punishment suddenly occurs to me. If he came all this way just to dump me, he might as well make himself useful first. This ought to be good.
“Since you came all this way, you might as well help.” I take his hand and drag him back to the table. He complies easier than I expected him to, even under the curious stares of no less than fifteen teenagers.
“Angela, can you be our narrator?”
She looks Theo up and down as I pick up my copy of Before the Dawn. “Is the big guy joining us?”
“What exactly are we—”
“Found it!” I exclaim over Theo’s question. I’m flipped to page three hundred in the book, the first page of chapter fifty-seven. Andy’s favorite scene, and mine. I hand Theo a spare copy and tell him what page to turn to.
“You’re playing the part of Enrique,” I tell him. “And be dramatic. I’ve spent months gaining your trust, so you’re shocked and betrayed when I pull a knife on you.”
His eyes widen in alarm, but even so there’s a hint of amusement glittering in them. “Et tu, Brute?”
I can’t help the laugh that escapes from my diaphragm.
“Are we going to practice first?” Theo asks.
“What fun would that be?” I flash my most devious smile. “Besides, we’re out of time.”
We call the small groups’ attention back to the front, and then we’re the first group to reenact the scene. Theo’s voice is wobbly at first, but gains momentum as he mirrors my dramatic performance. He tries to take a step back when I hold up Angela’s bottle of hair serum in place of a dagger, eyes widening in alarm, but a chair blocks him from going any farther. I stand on the tips of my toes as I hold the fake dagger to his throat, not quite touching his skin.
“The rumors were true, I see,” he says, eyes scanning me warily. “I was a fool to trust you wouldn’t turn on me.”
“Not so fun playing the fool, is it?” The final scene in Before the Dawn is a reversal for Sofia, whose parents were killed by Enrique’s soldiers when they were promised protection. This is the moment she’s spent the whole book planning, but in the end she can’t do it. She cares about Enrique too much to kill him.
It’s a reversal for Theo and me too, except I feel more like Enrique in this scene. I let myself believe I was safe from him, nearly trusted him not to hurt me. But I can’t blame him, no matter how easy he made it to forget what we really are. That’s not a mistake I’m going to make again. If we’re not already over, that is.
I dig the bottle into his neck, and he feigns a pained wince. His glittering eyes tell me he’s enjoying this far more than I expected him to. He turns his head slightly down to check for his next line.
“You’re no fool, Sofia.” His free arm wraps around my waist, pulling me closer to his body, but not crushing me to him like he would if he were alone. “We both know what you’re really afraid of.”
A whoosh of air, and then the book drops from Theo’s hand as he dips my body, his large hands on my back securing me in place. His face hovers over mine before it closes the distance, his lips landing on my cheek in a chaste kiss, because the book kiss isn’t exactly what I’d call safe-for-work
material.
There’s a distinct cry from the audience I recognize as Andy’s voice, and then everyone else joins in cheering and clapping. Once I’m upright, Theo and I hold hands as we bow to the crowd.
As the first group of teens rise for their performance, Erica finds a chair for Theo to sit in. He scrapes the chair next to mine, so close I can barely breathe. Angela eyes us a few times between performances with a raised brow. I shake my head each time we lock eyes.
After the meeting, we announce next month’s choices and remind them to vote in our social media polls each week. I also let them know about the library blog to check out in case they want to read something else in the meantime.
“Oh, and don’t forget to come dressed as your favorite book character next month!” I say.
“If enough people participate, we might even have a prize for the best costume!” Angela adds. I look at her sideways, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Oh, really?” I ask as the teens bustle around, packing up as they prepare to leave. “I don’t remember deciding that. Do you remember deciding that, Erica?”
My boss looks between us with twinkling eyes, but she doesn’t say a word.
“It’s a good idea though, isn’t it?” Angela jumps up from her seat. “Especially if we want to get more of them to dress up.”
“And just what prize are we going to use as an incentive?” Erica asks, resting her chin in a raised hand.
Before I hear Angela’s answer, a tug at my shirt makes me turn around. Andy links her arm with mine, pulling me away from my boss and friend with surprising strength for a skinny fourteen-year-old.
“What’s up, kid?”
“You holdin’ out on me, Miss Ortiz?” Her brown eyes glance covertly over my shoulder, but when I try to turn around, she stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I meet her alarmed eyes with concern, but it dies away as soon as she asks, “Is he your boyfriend?”
Oh god.
I shake off her hand and turn around. Theo meets my gaze with an easy grin. His hands are in the pockets of his jeans, but he raises one to wave at us. I turn back to Andy with what’s sure to be a goofy smile on my face.
“You’re too young,” I say. “I can’t have this conversation with you, yet.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve had ten boyfriends already!” I let out a gasp at this announcement, failing to hide the shock behind it. Even teenagers are better at dating than I am. “It’s about time you had one. I was starting to worry about you, ya know.”
“Okay, where’s your mom?” I pick up my pace as I lead her out the glass double doors with a hand on her back. “It’s time for you to go home.”
“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” she says. “My mom works a lot of odd hours. I’ll be right back here tomorrow, and I’ll be expecting an answer.”
“Then I guess it’s a good thing I’m off tomorrow.”
“There’s always the next day,” she says cheerily. “And the day after that, and the day after that! I will get an answer from you!”
I don’t bother entertaining her antics, only shake my head as we reach the parking lot. Outside, we’re met with the silver headlights of a navy Honda Civic. Andy’s mother emerges from the driver’s side, waving us over. I walk Andy to her mother’s car.
“How was the book club?” Andy’s mom reminds me a lot of my own. Her curly black hair is beginning to streak through with white, and its cut in a bob that stops right at her shoulders. She looks impossibly young for the mother of a teenager. That is, until she smiles and the lines around her crinkled eyes and mouth show her true age.
“Amazing!” Andy exclaims. “Marcela brought her boyfriend to help reenact the most dramatic part of the book.”
I take a deep breath. One day, when she’s old enough, I’m going to kill this girl.
“Boyfriend?” Her mom raises a perfectly arched brow, the hint of a smile playing on her lips.
“This is how rumors get started, Andy!” I shake my head before turning back to her mom. In a lower tone, I say, “It’s complicated. Neither one of us really knows what we’re doing.”
“Ah, I see.” She smiles wistfully. “I remember those early days all too well.”
I’m not exactly sure what she means by that, but I don’t get the chance to ask. Once Andy is inside the car, they both wave goodbye. I watch them leave before heading back inside. Most of the kids have left already, until it’s just Erica and Angela.
With Theo.
“Code blue,” Angela says as I reach the table. At my furrowed brows, she exclaims, “We’ve got a non-reader in the library!”
“I’m signing him up for a library card,” Erica says, nodding at Theo seated across from her. He’s bent over the table filling out a form. “I know it’s what you would’ve wanted.”
“Done.” Theo drops the pen and holds out the sheet of paper to my boss. “Can I pick out the design for my card?”
He almost sounds… excited.
“You sure can.” She hands the form to me. “Marcela, you remember where they are?”
“Not sure why I’m being paid if I don’t.” I grab Theo’s hand and lead him to the circulation desk.
Now that the buzz of book club night is over, I’m left with a peculiar feeling. Theo is here, in my place of work, talking with my best friend and boss like it’s the most casual thing in the world. Erica signed him up for a library card for fuck’s sake. A couple of hours ago, I thought we were over. What kind of upside-down world are we living in?
This is breaking all sorts of boundaries, but I get the feeling he doesn’t mind so much this time. Not now that they’re my boundaries.
When I’ve got him set up in our system and he’s equipped with a bright purple library card, I walk him out to the parking lot. We stop under a streetlamp, the light casting him in a golden halo. Now that the chaos has died down, I remember why he came here in the first place. Can we talk?
I’m not mad at him anymore, only at myself for not seeing this coming. But more than that, I’m crushed. So much more than I thought I’d be to let him go so soon.
“Are you okay?” he asks, eyes creased with concern.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat, deciding to get this over with as quickly as possible. “What did you want to talk about?” His brows furrow. “You texted earlier… asking if we could talk?”
“Oh,” he says, something shifting in his expression as he remembers. “Right. I… wanted to apologize for not getting back to you sooner. It wasn’t cool of me to keep you hanging for so long. I just had a lot on my mind.”
“We can get out of dinner,” I blurt, because that’s what started all this trouble to begin with. If that’s all that’s holding him back from continuing our arrangement, maybe we can go back to the way things were between us. “I’ll tell Alice I got sick, and we’ll never reschedule. It’ll be fine.”
“No.” He shakes his head, though his expression looks pained. As if getting out the one word is harder than it should be. “Thank you, but I’ll be okay. I promise.”
“Are you sure?” Something isn’t sitting right with me. Why avoid me for ten days if he’s not backing out of dinner? Why is he giving in so easily after nearly two weeks of nothing?
He nods, kissing my forehead. “I’m sure. I can’t keep running away from them forever.”
“You could’ve talked to me.” It shouldn’t hurt so much that he felt like he couldn’t. Not when I’ve kept my own secrets from him, too. I stare down at the pavement, arms crossed over my chest. “What were you thinking about?” When he doesn’t answer, I rephrase. “Who is it you’re more worried about? Alice or Ben?”
“Both.” He heaves a sigh. “But if I had to pick… Ben.” I’m about to follow up with one of the many questions dancing around my head, but before I can, he adds, “Don’t worry about me. I didn’t mean to leave you out of the blue like that, but I realized that if I’m ever going to move on, I have to accept that this is happening.” His chest falls as he lets out a breath. “They’re getting married. I should congratulate them face-to-face, at least once.”
I nod, but I don’t say anything more.
“I won’t do that to you again.” His hand cups my cheek when I look up at him. “Disappear without a trace. You deserve better than that.”
The back of my throat clogs up with some emotion I’m too afraid to name. I clear it and nod, hoping he can’t sense how much that means to me. Even if a part of me doesn’t believe him.