Nineteen
The next morning, I wake up to an odd sound. I rub my bleary eyes and try to sit up, but I am prevented from doing so by the cage of Theo’s arms. I turn over to face him, but his eyes are still closed, his chest rising and falling with slow breaths. My lips turn up of their own accord, and a swell of happiness fills my chest just from looking at him. But it’s edged with something else, a bitterness that makes me ache for more time. To rewire the clock above our heads like a cheat and ensure that this—we—never expire.
That’s not the way I should feel about a rebound.
I stare at him until his eyes blink open, hazy from sleep.
“Morning,” he says, voice raspy, mouth lifting into a soft smile. He pulls me in until my head rests against his chest, right below his shoulder.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” I say.
“How’d you sleep?” His arms tighten around my body, pulling me flush against his. There’s a tentative quality to his voice, and at first, I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Then I remember how we left off last night, and the awkward tension that surrounded us.
How has no one snatched you up yet? Because you see, I’ve been in love with your brother for nearly a decade.
No, that definitely wouldn’t go over well.
His body is warm, and I’m dimly aware of the fact that we’re both still very much naked. It’s too late for more boundaries, but now I’m wondering if we should’ve set more clear-cut ones. No sleepovers, no cuddling, no anything that will attach us like superglue, that will rip us both down the middle once this rebound ends.
“Good,” I lie. Truth is, I hardly slept from all the thoughts reeling in my head. I kept thinking back on what he said at Whataburger, about not being able to promise that he’ll never develop feelings for me. All I can promise is to always be honest with you, he’d said. I only wish I could promise the same. Or that the person I’m still pining over isn’t his brother.
I snap out of my thoughts from the sound of creaking floorboards outside. I turn my head before remembering what woke me. It was the creak of the front door opening.
Shit. Angela.
I sit up suddenly as I hear her voice, and then I remember what day it is. Sunday mornings are when we walk the Leon Valley trail together. She must’ve used her spare key to come in. Double shit.
“Who is—” Theo starts to ask when I cut him off.
“You have to go.” I’m about to jump off the bed in search of our clothes discarded on the floor, but before I can, the door bursts open as Angela walks in. Her eyes bug out of her skull. She lets out a shocked squeal, hazel eyes bulging as she covers her mouth with two hands before darting back out the door just as quickly.
I cover my face with a hand, as if that’ll hide my mortification. Theo remains unfazed, resting his chin on my bare shoulder. “You think she likes me?”
I have absolutely no answer to that.
“I knew it!”
How Angela can jog and talk at the same time, I will never know. My breaths come out in huffs as we crest the top of the hill. I have to put my hands on my hips to keep my torso upright because the second I bend over, I’m done for. But Angela, energized by this new revelation, shows no signs of slowing down.
It was hard to miss the way her eyes followed Theo’s every move when we met her in the living room after rushing to get dressed. I all but shoved him out the door before either of them could say a word. Still, that didn’t stop her eyes from sparkling knowingly when he kissed the side of my forehead before he left.
“I knew you guys were hooking up.” She has the audacity to look proud of herself. Until we lock eyes, that is. “But what I don’t get is why you kept it from me for so long.”
“We weren’t,” I say, which is only technically true if you don’t count making out as hooking up. “Last night was the first time anything happened.” This is a more blatant lie, and one she sees through right away. Her brow raises expectantly as she waits for me to cough up the truth. “Okay, fine. Last night was the first time we had sex. We did other stuff the morning after we got drinks together, and then again every time we met up after.”
“‘Other stuff’ as in what, exactly?” she asks. When I don’t respond, she lets out a dramatic sigh and says, “Okay, fine. You’re not the only one with a secret. Confession time? I can go first.”
I tilt my head at her, interest piqued. When I nod, she says, “All right, I’m turning around.”
Sometimes it’s easier to admit what we’d rather ignore with our backs turned, without the pressure of another face staring right at you. Angela turns her back until it touches mine. I grab both her hands and lead her down the path.
“So, you know how I give stellar relationship advice despite the fact that I’ve never really dated?”
“Oh, you mean like the advice you gave me to rebound from Ben?”
“Bad example from an even worse listener.” I scoff, but she has the gall to chuckle. “Anyway, I think I finally realized why I’ve been ambivalent for so long about dating.” A whoosh of air sounds as she takes in a deep breath. “I’m asexual.”
“Okay.” I’m careful to keep my reaction neutral as we continue up the path. “What made you realize this?”
“Well, you’re the only one who knows I’ve never been kissed.” That was the first secret Angela ever told me. She confessed after finding out I still had feelings for Ben in order to make me feel better. You keep my secret and I’ll keep yours, she’d said afterward. She puts up a good cover when she needs to, but she’s always feared that people would find out and judge her for it.
“My cousins have always said I’m too picky for my own good. And for a long time, I believed them. That’s the only logical explanation for why no one seems to be good enough for me, right? Why I reject literally every guy who asks me out? But…” She takes another deep breath. “The truth is, I could never quite picture myself being with them. Intimately, I mean. I went on one date the summer after high school and freaked out when the guy tried to kiss me. I had no idea why, and to say he didn’t take it well was an understatement.” My heart hurts for her at that admission. She never told me about that. “It’s like, I never realized I didn’t want to kiss him until his face was centimeters from mine. But when I tried explaining that to him, it only made things worse.”
“Oh, Angela.”
“It’s not like I don’t want to date anyone, or fall in love one day. I want that so much I ache, sometimes. But I think I’ve been holding myself back from dating because I always believed sex and love were intrinsically tied. Now that I know they don’t have to be, everything’s been clicking into place for me. Ever since I read Loveless, I finally have an explanation for all this stuff. I have an identity.”
The purple book on her desk weeks ago immediately pops into my mind.
“That probably explains why you never believe anyone who tells you you’re a good flirt, either.” I’m smiling so big, I hate that she can’t see it. “And who says books don’t have the power to change lives?”
“No one literate.” Angela chuckles, gripping my hands so tight. “I’m still sort of figuring out what exactly my identity is. I don’t think I’m romantically attracted to men at all, which would explain why I freaked out the first time a guy tried to kiss me. I might’ve been more amenable if—”
“If it had been Krystal of the ‘beautiful face’ variety trying to kiss you?”
She lets out a groan as the back of her head falls on my shoulder.
“I’ll never tell. Now it’s your turn.” She lets go of one of my hands to walk beside me, still holding on to the other.
I nod, even as my heart starts beating faster.
We’ve both been keeping secrets from each other, and that can’t do. She’s been there for me through everything. Even though I fear I’m making one mistake after another, I know she’ll never judge me as harshly as I’m judging myself.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Theo?”
I’m not completely sure, to be honest. I keep so many truths from so many people. But most of all, the person I lie to the most is myself. There’s this image inside my head of the person I wish I was, and then there’s me. The one in love with an engaged man and fucking his brother to cope.
I don’t keep secrets from Angela because I don’t trust her. Hell, with my host of trust issues she’s probably the person I trust more than anyone else in my life. I’m the problem here. I hesitated to tell Ben I didn’t want to be just friends until it was too late. I refused to tell anyone I still had those feelings because I was scared of their judgment. And now, because Angela is the only one who knows the truth about what happened at the engagement party, I didn’t tell her when Theo and I started hooking up because she’s the only one who knows I’m still hung up on his brother.
I don’t want her to know what a mess I’ve become. No matter how much I trust her, I didn’t want her to see how low I could sink.
“I have no idea what I’m doing.” Tears sting my eyes suddenly. “I thought Ben was the bulk of my problems. But then, I tried to get over him… by hooking up with his brother.” I shake my head. “What the hell kind of a person does that?”
“You got caught between siblings. I can’t say it’s happened to anyone not starring in a CW show, but I also can’t say I’m surprised.” I bark out a sardonic laugh, a humorless sound. “Do you like him?” she asks suddenly. “Theo?”
“We’re friends.” She keeps staring at me, as if expecting something more. “What?”
“I’ve seen you guys together.” She shakes her head. “I don’t buy it.”
I don’t have anything good to say to that.
We take a break at a nearby bench overlooking the hilly terrain. My feet settle in a crumpled leaf pile, kicking them to the side as I sit down. The trees are only just beginning to change color in late October, from vibrant reds to a range of orange and yellow and brown. It doesn’t start cooling down in Texas until this time of year, and our surroundings reflect that. A late autumn blooms as the rest of the country is already starting to get snow.
Angela’s expression turns contemplative suddenly, and when I ask her what’s wrong she says, “I’ve been debating if I should tell you this or not, because I thought it’d just make things worse for you. But since you and Theo are actually hooking up now…” She trails off.
“What?” I ask her. “What’s going on?”
“Ben keeps asking me about you,” she says. “At first, I didn’t listen when he said he was worried about you being with his brother, but then…” She blows out a breath between her teeth. Oh no. Angela has never been a big fan of Ben’s, even before he started going out with Alice and she found out about my feelings. Alice got so sick of their constant bickering that she sat us all down and had them hash it out in front of everyone. Even though Angela was undeterred by the entire thing, she didn’t have much to say other than she didn’t “vibe well” with Ben.
But she’s always stood firm against him, which is why I’m surprised she looks so torn now.
“He’s worried Theo is using you to get back at him,” Angela finally says. “And considering he still has feelings for Alice, it’s not a far-fetched theory.”
“‘Using me’ how?” I ask. “We’re rebounds. We both knew we were into other people when we started this.”
“This seemed different.” She shakes her head. “Does Theo know you used to date Ben? He made it sound like Theo knew he could get back at him by dating you. Because of your history.” Because of our history? Is Ben actually saying what I think he is? But then, Angela bursts that thought by saying, “He’s convinced Theo’s going to hurt you on purpose. I’d think he was acting like a jealous ex, if he wasn’t engaged to Alice. That’s how much he’s been calling me.”
I wince, not expecting that at all. “He’s been calling you?”
“And texting,” she adds. “It could just be that he’s trying to get inside my head, but I can’t risk you getting hurt over something I could’ve warned you about.”
I take a sip from my water bottle so I don’t have to
respond right away. Is there more that Theo’s been keeping from me? I thought we’d settled everything on his end last night.
“I haven’t told him about Ben,” I say. “If Theo knows, it’s not because I told him. But Ben knew how he felt about Alice before they got together.”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “He knew all along and went after her anyway. That would give Theo a reason to get back at him. Alice basically admitted she’s the reason they stopped talking to each other for so long. And she told me she’s been trying to change that, ever since she moved in with Ben. She feels guilty for tearing them apart.”
“Does Theo seem like he wants to make amends with Ben?”
Theo came to town to blow up their engagement. Every time he interacts with his brother, it ends in simmering tension or a complete blow up. He didn’t talk to me for over a week when I told him about the double date and admitted later his brother was the reason. Not Alice.
“No.” I shake my head finally. “No, it doesn’t seem like that’s what he wants.” To be fair, it doesn’t seem like Ben wants to work on their relationship either.
“Look, I don’t know who to trust here,” Angela says. “You know both of them better than I do, so I guess it comes down to who you trust more. Ben or Theo?”
A month ago, this would’ve been the easiest question to answer. I would’ve stood by Ben a hundred percent. Now I have no idea who to believe between the two of them.
“If Theo doesn’t want to make amends, do you think he wants… something else?” Angela asks carefully. “Do you think he’s beyond getting back at Ben for hurting him?”
“I… I don’t know.” Theo’s image comes to mind. Those wide blue eyes. His kind smile. His promise to always be honest with me. It’s hard to imagine him ever doing something so malicious on purpose. To me.
“Well, maybe you should think about it,” Angela says. “Think of all the warnings you’ve gotten about him. Even Alice was worried about your relationship. What if there’s more to him than we think? And you just can’t see it because he’s told you enough of the truth to mask his true motivation?”
I frown, considering her point from all angles, but it just doesn’t make sense. He always seems so open around me, so earnest in his intentions.
All I can promise is to always be honest with you.
Could that really have been a lie? Has hooking up with him clouded my judgment?
“I’ve gotta go,” I say suddenly.
“Be careful,” Angela tells me. I’ve lost count of how many times people have told me this exact same thing about Theo. “And don’t keep any more secrets from me.”